Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Old Eastcliff's Almanac

Well, it's the time of year when everyone makes predictions for the next twelve months and who am I to buck the trend? Besides, I once stepped out with the daughter of a woman who used to read palms at the end of the pier, so I'm practically Nostradamus. Here goes:

January
The New Year will bring much peace and happiness to the Ile de Thanet, especially the south. Beware, though, of a man coming from the west wearing wellington boots, for he will bring much mud.

February
February will be a short month, and may even end after just 28 days. A millionaire celebrity from the beautiful south of the Ile will be relaxing on holiday as a guest of Sir Richard Branston.

March
An extremely attractive and wealthy man will arrive back in Ramsgate from an island somewhere in the Pacific. This man should be greeted by everyone on the Ile with the happy sound of laughter and singing.

April
Easter will be in this month, or possibly March. Who knows? Why can't they just make it the 25th of December like everything else?

May
Votes will be cast by the inhabitants of the Ile to elect a new chieftain. His name will be heard by an old hag holding a sea shell to her ear the Wednesday before.

June
Unwise men will appear in the north of the Ile promising car parks, luxury apartments, and a shed out the back for an arts centre. Do not listen to them. Men and women in Boredstares will dress in Victorian bathing costumes and address each other as 'Roger' for an entire week.

July
Everyone will bugger off on holiday, but not to Margate, where most of what's left will burn down.

August
Ramsgate will gain Unesco World Heritage status this month after Canterbury is demoted to the bottom of the Vauxhall Conference League.

September
A millionaire superstar who resides somewhere on the Ile in a place whose name begins with the letter 'R' will be acclaimed and lauded, for it will be his birthday.

October
Bloody hell, how many more months are there?

November
Fierce winds will blow all buildings to the north of Dumpton Gap into the sea.

December
A wise man with much foresight and knowledge will write another load of old cods just like this.

Phew! Made it! Now, where did I put that G&T?

6 comments:

Willie Wombat said...

You forgot one, mate.

January. English cricket team returns to the Old Dart with tails firmly planted between legs.

Their own, I hope!

Eastcliff Richard said...

Nonsense oh Antipodean commentator! I expect our lads to rally and come home covered in glory! They've just got off on the wrong foot, that's all!

Frances Oapen said...

Dont tell me... your just an old sage who needs some stuffing Ive heard it all before

Dane Valley Ted said...

Cystic Peg will return soon,she has seen it in the stars(or a bottle of gin)and as usual will bring you news, both good and bad.

Ramsgate Dave said...

By November 2007 a warning will be given to all residents of Wellington Crescent to vacate their premises as due to the crumbling East Cliff these properties are in imminent danger of joining the bandstand which now lies in a crumbled heap in Pleasurama Wasteland.

Anonymous said...

I notice the Harris fencing blew down the other day. Or was it vandalism? And when are we going to get our desecrated lion back?