You're Torched!

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RAF Cleared For Take-Off On Runway 2010

My spies at last night's well-attended kick-off meeting for the proposed Ramsgate Arts Festival tell me the decision was taken to postpone the inuagural shindig until next year, rather than attempt a crash landing this August.

Well, as it's going to be the bestest, loveliest arts fest in Thanet's bestest, loveliest town there's no point going off half cock, is there?

No Cuppa - And A Hippo In Your Toilet

Yikes! Is it any wonder our councillors are so foul-mouthed and ill-mannered? According to a report on the Gazunder website, kettles have been banned at TDC and now there are 'plans to put Hippos into councillors’ toilets'. Quite how they're meant to pass the steaming great lumps they regard as 'policy' with a two tonne artiodactyl occupying their privy seat, lord only knows!

Click here to read more on Gazunder website

Councillor In Need Of A Counsellor?

Like me, you must have wondered why Margate's putative arts emporium changed its name from the Turner Centre to 'Turner Contemporary' a while back. Go on, of course you did!

Well if you Google-ise Turner Centre the top spot is held by The Turner Centre... for Counselling and Psychotherapy! According to their website, the Colchester centre 'occupies a grade II listed building and is beautifully furnished to a high standard'. Among the therapeutic services they offer are counselling for anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I presume Margate's Turnip people decided on the name change to avoid any confusion, given that the sponds wasted on the gallery had already caused 'anxiety, depression and panic attacks' among the general, taxpaying public of Thanet.

The Turner Centre (Colchester) also offers help for 'anger and rage'. It strikes me that, given our Sandy's recent, er, carpeting by the Standards Comittee for his outburst at the Edinburgh Woollen Mills, and his previous for calling the Mayor of Margate a 'f*cking tosser', he might well be advised to check himself in for a session or two!

Click here to go to Turner Centre website

A Song For Thanet

With apologies to The Crystals

Ezekiel and Latchford coming down the street
They do run run run, they do run run
They've heard there's a petition that they gotta beat
They do run run run, they do run run
Yeah, it's in the Woollen Shop
Yeah, they gotta make it drop
And when they get inside
They do run run run, they do run run

Iris and the manager are having words
They don't run run run, they don't run run
They think the council's policy is for the birds
They don't run run run, they don't run run
Yeah, Sand and Rodge barge in
Yeah, they make a right old din
And when the petition drops
They do run run run, they do run run

Thom and Nick the hacks are looking quite aghast
They don't run run run, they don't run run
Sandy's misbehaviour isn't in the past
They don't run run run, they don't run run
Yeah, the standards chaps step in
Yeah, the Gruesome Twins can't win
And when it came to the crunch
They did run run run, they did run run

RAF Ready For Take-Off In Thanet!

Before all you planespotters out there start getting over-excited and fiddling with your joysticks, I'm talking about the first ever Ramsgate Arts Festival.

The delightful Harriet Jump-Jet (Now that's just silly - Ed.), co-proprietor of the island's premier restaurant here in the island's premier town, is planning the shindig for the end of August and has asked the island's premier blog to rally the troops. Or is that ground crew? Er, ahem, well anyway if you're interested in getting involved and demonstrating that Ramsgate still has a thriving arts scene, despite cynical attempts to syphon off all the money and resources to the seedy north side of the island, then get along to Age & Sons for 6.30pm this Tuesday 17 March. The meeting will be upstairs in the restaurant.

Click here for Age & Sons website

Nasty Complaints Procedure

I'm indebted to regular contributor Walter Mitty for highlighting an interesting snippet from last week's cabinet meeting at our beloved Thanet Council.

In between congratulating themselves on what a splendid job they're doing and scoffing all the buns, the Duffers debated a new policy on 'unreasonably persistent and/or vexatious complaints'. Now, of course, that all sounds incredibly worthy and dull, so let me paraphrase it for you. Basically it's an Anti-Whingers Charter. The upshot is, if you happen to get the hump about your street looking like the Gaza Strip and complain every week that it hasn't been swept, or if you think funds are being misappropriated and pop in a Freedom of Information request every other fortnight, you could now be put on a list and legitimately be ignored, or worse, deemed mentally ill.

Not, of course, that there's anything to complain about in the first place, I hasten to add! No, according to the latest Audit Commission report on TDC, which will be presented to the Uranians next week, they've been classified 'fair'. Which is, er, one up from 'weak' and two down from 'excellent'. The Audit Commission seemed particularly impressed by the claimed user satisfaction with Margate Gateway ('Library' in old money), which goes to prove the old adage that if you do the same survey in an infinite number of ways you're almost bound to end up with the results you want in the end.

The chaps from the commission also found 'improved satisfaction with street cleaning'. Really? Well here's something I found on Victoria Parade this afternoon which made me, and presumably the two coachloads of tourists who were parked up nearby, feel less than 'satisfied':

Narrowstairs

Having only recently made the Dickensians' teeny-tiny streets even teenier and tinier, from tomorrow Kent Highways will again be narrowing the arteries of Broadstairs, presumably in an attempt to ensure that nothing wider than Victoria Beckham can get through the town.

A year ago they put two proposals forward for public consultation, both of which were rejected. My spies with the curly moustaches and Victorian bathing costumes tell me that Kent County Council feel there were 'elements' of both proposals which 'some' people wanted, so that's what they're going to get. Even though the majority didn't particularly want any of it. Ah... Kentish democracy in action!

By tilting the old Eastcliff cranium 90 degrees, I was able to establish that the roadworks will be ongoing for xx 4 weeks. Just in time to bugger up Easter then! And if the time it took to improve Margate's Lower High Street is anything to go by, I should imagine it'll be buggering up Easter 2010 too!

Sandy's Thanet Diary

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week top Thanet politician Sandy Beach gives us his insight into the island!!!

Bloody 'ell! The fuckin' Standards Committee 'as got me by the short an' bleedin' curlies!!!??? Fuckin' tossers!! An' there's me wiv a fuckin' yot an' five 'arses to support!!! Evvrywun's fucked off wiv me. All 'cos ov some fuckin' pertishun!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's all the fault ov them flamin' reporters. Tossers. Wankers. Fuckin' tossers!!!! I woz gonna giv 'em a job but they can stick it up their arses!!! In my face, yer friggin', whinin' bar stewards! In my chuffin' face!!!!

I say 'shut yer fuckin' pie holes yer leftie twats'. We owe it to the island's carpet shops to maxermise oppertunities an' 'elp acheeve our electers dreams an' asperations by 'andin' over their 'ard earned fer a luvvly bit of shagpile!!!!!??????!!!!!

That's enough diary - Ed.

Comically Relieved Of Sixty Quid

Eurgh! Just getting over last night's after party. Still, 'twas a memorable evening. Indeed the memory of accidentally walking in on Dawn French while she was changing will almost certainly haunt me for the rest of my life.

Thanks to everyone who commented for my very own Green Nose Day. We had a record 52 comments which, with regular reader Walter Mitty promising to bung me a fiver next week, makes a grand total of £57. I've rounded that up to £60 out of the goodness of my very own comedy heart. And with Gift Aid, that'll make £75, so well done everyone.

Well done too to reader Richard of Boredstares who claimed he'll be donating 150% of whatever I raised. All in all, not a bad night for the kiddies and starving millions. It makes you feel glad to be a celebrity!

Click here to donate to Comic Relief

Prince Charles To Back Dreamland Plans By Stiltwalking Across Car Park

More on page 5.

Other news:

Page 3 - some councillors are a bit naughty

Page 4 - Sandy declares historic zoo cages 'open for monkey business'

Page 7 - 130 year old Doris takes up pole dancing

Page 12 - youngsters hide hedgehogs for charity

Page 21 - fat birds get their kit off, plus all the other entertainment news around the island!

Green Nose Day

Recession? What recession? As I sit here awash with Canadian export dollars from my recent trip, my mind has naturally turned to what every good meedja type thinks of when they've got a bob or two - cocaine. No, no, er, no, that's not right, er I meant - chariddy.

Long term readers of this drivel will recall that I held a Green Nose Day back in 2007 to raise money for the last Red Nose Day. So before I'm whisked off in the stretched limo to slave my petooty off and hobknob with the fromage de la fromage of British comedy at TV Centre, I'm giving you an opportunity to lend your support.

Here's how it works. For every comment appended to this post today, I'll donate a gleaming new oncer to Comic Relief. So whaddya waiting for? Get commenting! And let's see if we can beat the 2007 total of 40 smackers!

Ferry Story

Holy hulls! BBC South East's Glenn Campbell has been investigating the ferry industry! The roving, rhinestone-clad reporter appears to have drawn a blank whilst trying to track down Euroferries, the new fast service that purports to be running from Ramsgate to Boulogne at the end of the month.

By the time he got to the Millionaires' Playground he'd certainly lost that loving feeling for the company, and the whole situation was far from gentle on his mind, given that there's no sign down at our lovely port of any new buildings or infrastructure. He then decamped to a sheltered accommodation flat in Kingston upon Thames which is apparently the registered office of Euroferries, before reminding us that they'd tried to set up once before in 2006 from Dover. That particular nautical venture came to nought.

Funniest of all was GC's interview with deputy duffer Rodge down at the port. Blustering his way past our intrepid's questions, his last word on the subject was that he didn't think Euroferries would be starting in March after all!

Click here to watch Inside Out on BBC iPlayer
Click here for Euroferries website
Click here for Euroferries story in Kent Messenger

No Happy Landings For BA At Manston

I'm afraid the jet lag got me there for a bit... and I was having a lovely dream that British Airways World Cargo had decided against flying their crappy 747s over my lovely cliff top mansion all day and night!

Must have been the flight from Canada... but no, hang on, what's this headline in Thanet Extra? 'Blow for Chas 'n' Dave International as BA Cargo stays at Stansted'? Surely it can't be? I must still be dreaming!

Now regular readers will know that I'm not one to crow every time I'm proved right, which is nonetheless frequent and often. But I did say months ago that Manston was just being used by BA to get a better deal at Stansted, end of. I know these airline Johnnies quite well, and they'll try any shonky manoeuvre to rinse the last red cent out of their existing suppliers.

What this whole sorry episode does demonstrate, however, is the willingness of our supine council to lick any squillionaire's, er, rusty sherriff's badge until it's white as a soda cracker. When one of the island's top restaurants wanted planning permission to set up here it took them three months. Now it attracts hundreds of visitors to the island every week. Contrast that with the fact that TDC were rimming BA's ringpiece in less time than it takes to say 'KY or Vaseline, Sir?' And cargo 747s? Well, you might get a few planespotters parked up in their P reg Peugeots over at the airport of a Sunday, but they'd almost certainly bring their own soggy egg sarnies in a Tupperware box!

Click here to read full story in Thanet Extra

From Newfoundland To Poundland

I'm indebted to my regular correspondent Mr Dickens of Broadstairs for suggesting the headline for this item. Yes indeed, dear reader, I have drunk Canada dry and have now staggered back onto Thanetian soil!

I must say, I was expecting to see bunting and the massed bands of the 1st Thanetian Sea Scouts. But it appears my return has gone unremarked and uncelebrated. However, I've turned comments back on so you can send your messages of goodwill and congratulations. Along, no doubt, with the occasional 'prick', 'c*nt' and 'paedo'!

Posted from Ramsgate via Royal Mail

Dreamland? Dream On!

I can't tell you how much I'm dreading this flight back to Blighty later. Not that I'm a bad flyer, you understand. No. It's because our Production Manager has booked us on the awful British Airways. Economy.

It may just be me, but I generally find BA high-handed, patronising and mumsy. And that's just the senior management I've worked with! OK, OK, the check-in chicks and trolley dollies try their best most of the time, and first class is usually acceptable. But if ever there was an airline that needed to buy into the dictum that the customer is always right (apart from during emergencies, granted - of which they seem to have a few) it's our national flag carrier.

Any-old-how, I've been using these last couple of hours to catch up on Thanet news, and I see there have been further developments in the plan to place knackered old heritage rides on the Dreamland site over in the Arsonists' Playground. According to the BBC News website, plans for the 'thrilling theme park from the past' will go on show on Sunday. I don't know about you, but there's something about the phrase 'thrilling theme park from the past' that doesn't quite get my pulse racing, or my boat floating, if you catch my drift.

Ah well, I expect things will look a lot different once I've touched back down on Duffer Island tomorrow. No, really, things will look different, won't they? Please God, tell me they will!

Posted from Montreal via iPhone

Tories To Turn The Lights Out

Vive la difference! The team and I have now washed up in Quebec City... and I must say it's a place I could learn to like if I wasn't being accompanied by a knob of a director, a neurotic production co-ordinator, a dyslexic presenter and a camera crew whose brains appear to be primarily located in the trouser area. Hey-ho.

Still, a big, ECR 'mwah!' to everyone back on the Ile de Thanet for keeping me in touch via email. This latest missive from reader Carol seems to prove once again that the Ruddy-Faced Man in charge of Kent County Council has a limited knowledge of geography east of the Medway:

Hi ECR!

Hope you are enjoying your trip around Canada. I was watching the local BBC News at lunchtime when your favourite Tory politician Paul Carter was on talking about his plan to turn out the street lights at night around the county to save money.

As an example of where this ridiculous plan might be implemented he mentioned the Thanet Way which he said went from 'Whitstable to the airport at Manston'. Talk about a one track mind. Does he not realise there are 130,000 people living in Margate, Ramsgate and Broadstairs and only about 100 people connected to his hobby-horse airport?

I often have to come back from town at night and personally think this crackpot idea would be exceedingly dangerous.

Well Carol, I think I'd have to agree with you there. But after January's serious accident on the A299, which appeared to have been caused by KCC failing to grit the road, do you honestly imagine the Tories in Maidstone give a tuppenny stuff about anyone in the tip of Kent?

Posted from Quebec via iPhone

Cold Wind And Hot Air

Holy cajones! They didn't stint on the old whatsits when they erected this magnificent statue here in Moose Jaw, did they?

I've just popped in to say a cheery 'What ho!' after a gruelling day's filming in the wilds of the Canadian north yesterday. We're on a day off, and blimey it's cold! I've also had time to do a spot of poo-jabbing around the Thanet blog scene and oh dear oh dear oh dear... things really have gone pear-shaped without the rapier wit of yours truly, haven't they?

First off, I see that Councillor Unemployed from Newington has me down as 'working the clapperboard on some obscure travel show for an even more obscure cable TV company'. Hmm. Well if you must know, CU, I'm producing this epic under the auspices of my own production company, and earning some much-needed export dollars off the Canadian Tourist Board to boot! What are you doing to haul the UK economy off its arse, eh? Gone on, tell me, I'm all ears... go on... toddling back and forth to the Jobcentre is it?

And secondly it seems as if BigNews Margate has found a new boyfriend in the Kiwi boss of Chas 'n' Dave International Airport, Matt Clarke. The simpering tone of his report on Clarke's lecture last night at Canterbury Christ Church Uni had me reaching for the sick bag, in much the same way as the footage of Our Gordon Master cosying up to Prez O'Bama did earlier in the week. I can just imagine Tony sitting there with that same, sycophantic gaze of admiration. Only it would be twice as nauseating, given that Tony would presumably have had two doe eyes, whereas Gordon can only manage the one. Our Tone used to be an opponent of unfettered, unmonitored, unregulated foreign conglomerates riding roughshod over UK citizens, but one look at Matt's baby blues appears to have turned him weak at the knees.

Still, it's not all bad news. I see the new fast ferry service to Boulougne will be starting at the end of the month, once again cementing Ramsgate as the island's premier town. And presumably it'll be generating real jobs for Thanetians, not the pie-in-the-sky ones Matt Clarke's so fond of promising!

Posted from Moose Jaw via iPhone

Ant-Sized Dick

The director I'm working with out here in Cana-da-da-da appears to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He'd been hoping to pitch a new game show to ITV, but feels that today's announcement of £3,000,000,000,000,000 losses and squillions of redundancies has put the tin hat on it. Consequently he's tailspinned into a terminal decline.

Personally I have to agree with my fellow Thanetian Adem. I can't remember the last time I tuned in to ITV. The news is shite, Corrie's crap, and the entertainment programmes appear to consist mostly of Z list celebrities falling on their arses. And then there's Ant and Dec (shudder). I should imagine ITV's audience profile goes something like this:

50% - Old gippers staring aimlessly at the 21 inch Bush in the corner of the day room at their residential home
49% - Crack addicts who've lost the remote down the back of their Argos sofa
1% - Quadriplegics whose mouthpieces have fallen out.

The only glimmer of hope for Michael Grade and his cohorts is my old showbiz chum Harry Hill. I shall be emailing Mike forthwith to suggest that Harry presents News at Ten and plays all the parts in Coronation Street and Emmerdale, starting first thing Monday.

Posted from Vancouver via iPhone

You Can't Get Rid Of Me That Easily!

Even out here in the rugged Canadian wilderness (Vancouver), word has reached me that the professional propaganda peddlers who work for Chas 'n' Dave International Airport are rejoicing at my absence.

Maxim PR are apparently cock-a-hoop that yours truly has exited the building/island/county/country. The Tunbridge Wells firm (no chance of being buzzed by a knackered old jumbo there) will presumably now be inviting Cllr/Dr Biggles, BigBoy Margate and all the other drooling planespotters who think an airport the size of Stansted in Ramsgate's back yard is a bright idea to one of those slap-up PR lunches in celebration! Judging by their client list, though, Biggles, BigBoy et al will have already paid for the lunch in spades, given the amount of public tit-sucking Maxim indulge in.

Still, if they think I've disappeared for good, they don't know me very well, do they!?!??!

Posted from Vancouver via iPhone