Thursday, March 30, 2006

Who're You Gonna Call? Gullbusters!

Buried among the adverts for silicon bras and Davros undercarriages in this week's Adscene, I spy the following headline:

'Focus On... Bird Control'

It's an advertisement for Gullbusters, and their website makes frightening reading:

'Do they Nest on your chimneystack?

Do they call out from your ridge tiles, or bombard you in your garden when the chicks are born?

Have you had enough of clearing seagull debris from your gutters?

Well you don't have to put up with it any more!'

No, I don't have to put up with it any more! What else?

'Seagulls can seriously damage your health. "Anyone contemplating gourmet gull-tasting should think twice as they may harbour the organisms responsible for salmonella poisoning and botulism, as well as possibly carrying dangerous e-coli bacteria" - Chris Harbard, RSPB, Sandy, Beds.'

Oh my giddy aunt, and I was just about to boil one up for lunch.

'A seagull chick that may fall down your unused chimney will be within the fabric of your house potentially carrying all of the disease that the RSPB spokesman has made us aware of, which in turn means that you are living with the risk of this spreading. Worse, if the chimney is blocked-off at the fireplace the dying chicks behind in the grate will eventually become parasite food.'

Blurgh! I think I'm going to vom.

'And, if that did not worry you enough in many cases seagull nests will be causing an obstruction to gas flues, which can cause carbon monoxide poisoning.'

No wonder I've been feeling a bit chesty. That's it, I'm calling them straight away.

2 comments:

sfdretywu said...

Carbon monoxide poisoning will not make you feel chesty. Your body cannot distinguish it from the real McCoy, that being oxygen. More importantly, it will be taken on board as oxygen, only to have the carbon atom say NO! it's mine and I'm keeping it. Poor old system has it, but is not allowed to use it! Unfortunate side affect of any system having something that is unusable without realising it, is that said system won't be looking for what it needs elsewhere, as it thinks it has it already.
Suffocation results.
Ring true with anyone?
I believe, some sixty years ago (maybe before or even today), a similar method was used to exploit workers by feeding them, exclusively, rice.
Their bodies would be under the illusion that they were being fed but, would be gaining very little in the way of nutrition. Eventually they would starve to death. However, as anyone who has travelled to Burma by train will attest, great things can be achieved with a handfull of rice!!!
Carbon dioxide is easy. It's occured everywhere since the dawn of anything living. To some it's breath poo, to others it's food. Either way, we're built to deal with it.
Your chest complaint more likely stems from over-crowding. Ingestion of under-diluted faecal matter.
When the crowds have gone and all that remains here are millionaires, I think you will feel a great weight lifted from your chest!
Maybe.

RamSkateRaider

sfdretywu said...

Brings to mind a recent scare that has been addressed. A chemical (alarmingly abundant on our fair Earth) called dihydrogen monoxide has been called to question. I don't want to scare monger but, this chemical has been PROVED to cause severe burns in its gaseous state, cause death almost instantaneously by inhalation, cause many metals to oxidise at an alarming rate, level mountains, cut deep gouges into our planet and most pubs are introducing it to our drinks in its solid form.

And we're expected to ingest two litres of it a day???

Has the World gone mad?

RamSkateRaider