Buried among the adverts for silicon bras and Davros undercarriages in this week's Adscene, I spy the following headline:
'Focus On... Bird Control'
It's an advertisement for Gullbusters, and their website makes frightening reading:
'Do they Nest on your chimneystack?
Do they call out from your ridge tiles, or bombard you in your garden when the chicks are born?
Have you had enough of clearing seagull debris from your gutters?
Well you don't have to put up with it any more!'
No, I don't have to put up with it any more! What else?
'Seagulls can seriously damage your health. "Anyone contemplating gourmet gull-tasting should think twice as they may harbour the organisms responsible for salmonella poisoning and botulism, as well as possibly carrying dangerous e-coli bacteria" - Chris Harbard, RSPB, Sandy, Beds.'
Oh my giddy aunt, and I was just about to boil one up for lunch.
'A seagull chick that may fall down your unused chimney will be within the fabric of your house potentially carrying all of the disease that the RSPB spokesman has made us aware of, which in turn means that you are living with the risk of this spreading. Worse, if the chimney is blocked-off at the fireplace the dying chicks behind in the grate will eventually become parasite food.'
Blurgh! I think I'm going to vom.
'And, if that did not worry you enough in many cases seagull nests will be causing an obstruction to gas flues, which can cause carbon monoxide poisoning.'
No wonder I've been feeling a bit chesty. That's it, I'm calling them straight away.
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