Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Driving The Thanet Way

I was in a bit of a panic yesterday, rushing around Thanet in the Smart car (I reserve the TT for motorway munching), in a last minute attempt to purchase a set of false Dracula teeth for my guest appearance on 'Psychic Fright Night Live'.

As I was dashing about, it struck me that the rules of the road on the Ile are slightly different from those that pertain in the rest of the United Kingdom. Unfortunately there did not appear to be a 'Thanet Highway Code' on the shelves of W H Smith at Westwood Cross, so I can only annotate the few rules I have noticed so far.

Rule One: I'm 96 And I'll Drive How The F*** I Like. Practically universal rule, applies to 90% of drivers in Westgate.

Rule Two: Never Indicate Where You Are Going. This rule apears to be especially observed on roundabouts, or as you are about to turn left into a road from which a car has been waiting for several days to turn right.

Rule Three: Never Park Between The Lines In A Car Park. Always, if you can, skew your vehicle so that you take up at least two spaces. At least one of the spaces should be reserved for the disabled. If anyone complains, respond with the words: "What are you looking at, I'll park where the f*** I like".

Rule Four: My Car Is DEFINITELY Faster Than Yours And If You Attempt To Overtake Me I Will Prove It.

Rule Five: The Diesel Is At Least 0.5p Cheaper At This Petrol Station, I Will Fill My Crummy Old White Van To The Brim So That Diesel Sloshes Out Of The Filler On Every Bend For The Next Six Miles, Spelling Certain Death For The Next Motorcyclist That Has The Temerity To Come This Way.

Rule Six: This Is My Road And I Will Continue To Drive For The Next 20 Miles In The Outside Lane Of This Dual Carriageway At 65 MPH Despite The Fact That There Are No Other Vehicles Ahead Of Me.

Rule Seven: This Baked Bean Can Which I Have Welded To The End Of My Exhaust Pipe So That My Vehicle Sounds Like A Flatulent Walrus Certainly Increases My Chances Of Getting Laid.

If you have any more tips for safe driving in the area, do let me know.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What about the driving rule that allows lazy, fat-assed drivers of 4x4's with several fat-assed offspring to park right outside the entrance to Tesco's instead of slumming it in the usual parking bays like the rest of us.