Art Attack

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Handyman Barry Chuckle

People often ask me: "Barry, I'm thinking of building a large art gallery in the North Sea. Do you have any tips?"

First thing to do is get your tools together. For a job this size I'd recommend at least a power screwdriver, and, of course, your underwater breathing apparatus (Netto do an own-brand aqualung at £9.99). Don't forget to source some rustproof six inch nails from your local DIY store. A tide table might also come in handy.

Once you've drawn up your plans (Snohetta's have some good ones at £7m), it's just a matter of putting in some piling to a depth of 45 metres, and you're away! Oh, and don't forget to buy some paintings for when it's finished (Woolworths do some terrific Jack Vettrianos at £19.95).

And remember my golden DIY rule: If it ain't broke, you haven't fixed it!