It's It's A Pothole Blitz!

I see that ruddy-faced man from Kent County Council has announced a 'pothole repair blitz'. Tory leader Paul Carter declared 'an army of road maintenance crews' will be mobilised to tackle the county's crumbling roads.

Two points here. The first is that whenever Paul Carter talks about 'Kent', he is invariably referring to an area within a ten mile radius of Maidstone. I don't know about you, but it's barely possible to drive more than a few yards in Thanet without the jalopy jiggling around like an old nana's knockers at a Graham Norton taping.

Secondly, I rather thought the word 'blitz' referred to what the Germans did to Blighty in WWII. There are still gaping great holes on the island where the Teutons carried out urban regeneration by carpet bombing. Exactly the opposite of a repair job, in fact. 70 years on and they still haven't been, er, filled in. Still, that's Cllr Carter for you. Always putting his foot in his pothole!

Click here to read about KCC's 'pothole blitz' on BBC News website

Confibula Comeodi

Or 'Clamp Comedians', as we say in the Queen's English. I see intrepid yourfannitinnit newshound Tom Betts has followed up his video of Dreamland's queer clampers with an exclusive front page splash today!

According to the paper at least one of the CSS Parking Solutions operatives who've been clamping little old ladies and demanding £120 for the release of their vehicles has not been properly licensed by the Security Industry Authority. It could mean that the poor, disabled 80 year olds with terminal illnesses that these people have been preying on at Dreamland, the Lido and other north island beauty spots may be able to reclaim their folding. Hurrah!

But that's not the end of Tom's revelations! The kitten-loving former Tory Mayor of Margate Ted Watt-Ruffell, who used to be Chief Clamper at Dreamland, reveals in the story that absentee former Tory councillor Panama Steve Broadhurst's company Probe no longer has the Dreamland security contract from our Jimmy's Margate Town Centre Regeneration Company. So who's keeping an eye on the place now? A carelessly discarded cigarette end, a clumsily knocked over can of unleaded, and it could be 7/4/08 all over again!

Click here to read full story in yourfannitinnit

Update: Knickers! Thanks to all who pointed out my link to yourfannitinit was bogus. It's fixed now. That's what you get for having to drink half a bottle of Buckfast just to take the edge off in the mornings.

Arse Gratia Fartis

Testes! Ego am finding this Latin mullarcius a bit of a dolor in the rectum! So I'll probably just restrict the old lingua latina to headlines from now on.

Any-old-quam, I hear that a date and name for the putative Ramsgate Arts Festival has finally been, er, finalised. So put 28, 29 and 30 August (August Bank Holiday weekend in old money) in your diaries for... da-dah... Summer Squall! Click on the pic to go to their websitium.

Quite what they'll be putting on, though, is anyone's guess. I'm thinking jugglers, fire eaters, wind sculptures and scary-yet-somehow-arty clowns. But what do I know? (Don't answer that). The Ramsgate summer season is filling up, what with the rotters at Thanet Council organising their own rival Monster Bass arts festival in the Millionaires' Playground, the possibility of an open air rock festival in the park, Ramsgate Week courtesy of the Shirley Temple Yacht Club, and another rock concert to go alongside powerboat racing in September.

I haven't heard much talk about Ramsgate Rocks though. Usually it's in July and diverts enough folding into the pockets of the bar owners on the front to keep them in Range Rover V8s with personalised number plates (class!) all year round!

Sic Transit Gloria Mariportae

Eheu! Omnes Mariportani tristes erunt! India Regis Filia sine dubio solvendo non est. Hic proscriptio in Acta Diurna Tenetis erat (clickus photum ut augere).

Lingua Latrina

Seeing as I've been ousted on the UK list of most influential blogs by both our local biblio-bloke and Bertie Biggles, I'm taking a bold (some may say desperate) decision to add some class to these jottings.

Both aforementioned organs are distinguished by their lengthy and erudite postings, whereas my musings tend to be short and to the point, often with a touch of toilet humour to help lighten the load. But from now on I'll be posting only in Latin.

Not only should this see the number and quality of readers increase substantially, it'll also have the added benefit of befuddling the bewigged, seeing as this is Big Libel Week. As Cicero once said: 'Caesar adsum iam forte, Brutus adarat. Caesar sic in omnibus, Brutus sic inat.' Benedictus benedicat!

China Gateway Sold For £5m

Haha! No, not that China Gateway, silly! No, the one in Dover.

Reuters reported late on Friday that China Gateway International PLC (formerly Commercial Group Properties, prop. Ken Wills) had exchanged contracts for the disposal of its properties at Western Heights and Farthingloe, Dover to Dover Gateway Limited for a cash consideration of £5 million. Proceeds will be used to reduce the company's indebtedness to Israel Discount Bank Ltd.

What that means for the future of our very own China Gateway, which was granted Phase 1 planning permission in 2008 after much controversy, only Bertie Biggles and his Tesco bag of goodies can tell. Perhaps with another five mill in his pocket, our Ken can now afford another junket to China for Sandy Ezekiel, Roger Latchford and Richard Samuel? Or perhaps not, as 'Dover Gateway Limited' appears to be 40% owned by Ken and co anyway, with 60% owned by something called Priory Land Ltd, registered at a Regus business centre in Bracknell.

Ah, but then Priory Land are providing an interest free loan which will be repaid at some future date. So CGI net three million mazolians! Hurrah! Treble Maotais all round!

Update: The Priory Land Ltd website's now working. I've updated the link. Thanks to MC Bookman for the update!

Click here to read CGI press release

Quad Pro Quo?

Just to prove I can speakus Latinus, just like our local biblio-bloke, my headline's a reminder that quad bikes and assorted other crotch rockets will be whizzing all over Margate Sands for the next two days (click on the pic for details).

That's if they can see the beach for the smoke, as I gather another former hotel that was being converted into apartments went up in flames in Cliftonville this morning.

Carousing with the Margate millionaires last night, the consensus was that the Arsonists' Playground would be better served for publicity and visitors if one of its many teenage mothers gave birth to quads. But that's just an opinion. To be honest the Westcoast bar was kicking, and later in the evening punters spilled out from the Mike and Bernie Winter Gardens having spent a splendid two hours in the company of my old showbiz chum Dara O'Briain. Yes, the Turnip does look like a multi storey car park, but I gather our Frank has bought up most of the property opposite and plans to put a classy establishment in, along the lines of his, er, fashionable Digby and Fayreness gastro pubs. Whether the chattering classes who visit the gallery will be satisfied with chicken in a basket remains to be seen.

Meanwhile I see Communities Secretary John Denham has urged poor old Redcar, which has just had the guts ripped out of it by Corus, to model itself on Margate by building an arts centre and painting murals on all the shop fronts. So at least Margate can look forward to Redcar overtaking it as the emptiest high street in Britain!

Click here to read about John Denham in the Northern Echo

Having A Quick Rank

Yippee! I see I'm up 33 places in Wikio's UK blog ratings this month! I'm now the 521st most influential blog in Britain. Hurrah! The Krug's on me tonight!

East Of The Wantsum

Here's this week's EotW. For once it's been reproduced with total clarity in today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder, unlike other weeks when it's looked as if it's been printed by an arthritic baboon with cataracts.

And Mike Pearce's column is also worth a gander. The turmoil over the Turnip Centre, and the 'very senior TDC officer' who described Turnip naysayers as 'arseholes', continues!

Muddy Waters

Regular readers will know that I often tool around our lovely Royal Harbour in my captain's cap, deck shoes and brass buttoned blazer, cheerily waving my Rolex at all the salty seamen in our naval basin.

On one such occasion earlier this week, I was shocked by the amount of water in the harbour. Er, there wasn't any! I know the tides have been particularly low recently, but there was so little of the beautiful briny in the outer reaches that I'm sure it would be preferable for any craft entering the harbour to be equipped with brakes rather than an anchor.

Now I know El Presidente and his jurassic junta have initiated a costly dredging programme in the port in preparation for the arrival of LD Lines' giant superduperferry Ostend Spirit later in the month. But what about the harbour and marina? Are they preparing to turn it into yet another car park? Or has some local developer chum of theirs put down a brarn envelope deposit on planning permission for a block of luxury flats on the land that's accumulating there? Deputy Rodge is on the record as saying: 'The council is undertaking a major investment programme in the Port and the Marina, the future regeneration initiatives will create jobs and facilitate future investment. This is good news for Ramsgate which, we are convinced, has a very exciting future ahead.' So when do the harbour and marina get the half a mill dredging treatment, eh Rodge? And, um, where's the dosh coming from?

Let's hope some water arrives before Ramsgate becomes the new Davos on 17 March. Yep, that's right, top City firm Bloomberg New Energy Finance is coming to the Millionaires' Playground in a couple of weeks as part of its third annual summit, described as 'the new Davos' (the Swiss resort where I and the rest of the world's economic elite club together once a year). 400 guests and 75 speakers will descend on the Saatchi Gallery, the Science Museum, the London Olympic Park and, er, Thanet Offshore Wind.

As well as some water in the harbour, hopefully there'll also be some businesses left in the harbour arches for the bigwigs to browse in. A bird tells me the Duffers have stopped renewing their leases. Why?

Click here to read more about the dredging in Dredging News
Click here to read more about Ramsgate - the new Davos!

A Statement From Lord Eastcliff

The following statement has been released by Lord Eastcliff's London solicitors Bentley Bugatti Veyron:

There has been considerable speculation in the last few days concerning my tax status. I would like to reassure the British electorate that the £238m I have so far donated to the Conservative Party to help win marginal seats such as Thanet South is in no way 'dodgy'.

Whilst I do spend a considerable amount of time attending to my businesses in the Virgin Islands, Turks and Caicos and Panama, I nonetheless shoulder a hefty tax burden in the UK. Only yesterday I had to pay a substantial amount of VAT on a case of Chateau Lafite Rothschild from Berry Bros. Moreover, while it is also a matter of record that I promised Mr Hague I would pay tens of millions into the Exchequer upon my elevation to the peerage in 2000, it is not my fault that he failed to spot that my fingers were crossed behind my back when I did so.

I trust this will put the ordinary voters' minds at ease. I would urge all right thinking people to vote for my Old Etonian chum Dave in the forthcoming election, and look forward to being elevated to Royal if not God status when he romps home.

Lord Eastcliff
Cliff Top Mansion
Ramsgate

Bloggus Interruptus

I've been flooded with emails (one) saying you can't access my musings here on Thanet's Premier Blog! I assume this is some despicable denial of service attempt by the evil Tory boffins in Cecil Square. Er, or it might be some kind of compatibility issue with Internet Sexplorer.

Right now my team of crack-crazed, teenage platform technicians are working through the night to restore normal service. If you're having problems, do let me know via richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk. Although if you're not seeing the blog, you won't be seeing that either, will you? Bugger it. Pass me the crack pipe Josh.

Should Have Gone To Catsavers

With Thanet featuring yet again in Private Eye this week it makes you wonder whether Lord Gnome should rename his Rotten Boroughs column Rotten Thanet and be done with it. What with all the petition tossing, 'f*cking tosser' calling, absentee councilling and kitty killing that goes on around here. Kuh!

As an antidote to mayoral cruelty against innocent little animals, I thought I'd highlight a Thanet charity that's only recently developed a web presence. Thanet Animal Group has a Pet Rescue Centre which is offering hordes of cute little purrers and woofers to rehome, none of which will be going to Mayor Ted. I'm especially enamoured of Cookie, their Special Cat of the Month, and am seriously contemplating bringing him home to meet Bertie, my pedigree Burmese!

Just click on the pic to visit the TAG Pet Rescue Centre.

Assets Under The Hammer

Sold! For £370,000 to the man in the trilby hat and sheepskin coat standing at the back. And may I say, sir, you've got a bargain. The deeds will be with you as soon as your brown envelope is deposited behind the the third cistern from the left at Ramsgate station.

Thanks to everyone who bid in my online auction of Albion House. We can all take comfort, I think, in the knowledge that the money will be going towards helping the isle's disabled lead more active and fulfilling lives, once a small, er, commission has been taken to carpet my office and double glaze the old cliff top mansion.

Thanks, too, for the hundreds of emails I've received following yesterday's item about the swinging member of Thanet Council. One particular name keeps cropping up, but as I've said before, unless they've hopped it to Panama or killed a kitten, what our elected officials get up to, perfectly legally, in their private lives really doesn't concern me.

Russian About

Make sure your aged Aunt Doris's teeth are firmly glued in on Thursday, as rumour has it one of these heavy lift Russky cargo carriers is due in to Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport. That should make the ming on the old mantelpiece rattle!

I suppose it would be fruitless to speculate on what kind of freight will be in its hold, given the recent queer deliveries at the airport. But I'm told it's coming in to 'pick up something big', and they're 'bringing their own crew in to move whatever it is, with Manston's staff not being allowed to touch it, so there is some degree of secrecy surrounding it.' It's also rumoured to be flying under CCCP markings.

Anyone got any clues what our former Soviet friends could want with something top secret from Thanet that weighs around 40 tonnes?

Click here for more on the Ilyushin Il-96

I See No Ship

Well I thought I'd give them a day's grace. But it really doesn't seem as if the ferry company that I couldn't possibly mention is any closer to starting a service between Ramsgate and Boulogne than it was last year. Or the year before. Despite yesterday being the day they said they were going to launch. For the fourth time.

Even dat dair Dr Steve Ladyman must be despairing by now. After all, it's 417 days since he publicly promised the launch was 'imminent'.

But so far nada. Nix. Nuffink. Just more rumours about another possible fast craft, more refunded fares to disappointed punters and a recorded message on their telephone number. Still, that hasn't stopped Visit Britain (the British Tourist Board in old money) saying they've been running since 14 November.

Meanwhile it looks as if our beloved council will be shelling out something in the region of arfer miwwion knicker to dredge our much neglected harbour to accommodate the Ostend Spirit, LD Lines new superduper ferry that's due to start on the 27th. I wonder where the dosh for that's coming from? Probably out of the flea-bitten kitty they were supposed to use for maintaining their potholed lorry park!

Wherever it's coming from, they'd better get a wriggle on!

Update: The council announced today that the dredging has begun, with some kind of floating super Hoover doing the honours. Click here for more.

King Of The Swingers

Word has reached me through the old millionaires' grapevine that a prominent member of our esteemed council was recently caught with their proverbials down at a 'swingers' party'.

Being rather untutored in matters of the heart, I had to look this one up. And I have to admit, dear reader, I was rather shocked! Apparently these events involve a few shandies followed by the chaps placing some sort of anonymous identifier, such as a set of car keys, in a hat. Lady participants then take it in turns to remove said keys from said hat hoping, one assumes, to have picked a Bentley or Range Rover V8 rather than a J reg Sierra. They then retire to the boudoir with the vehicle's owner for what can only be described as, um, a full service.

Naturally I'm not going to name the member who's been fingered. Whatever people do in their private lives is really no concern of mine. This blog isn't the News of the Screws. Besides, it could well put my source in jeopardy! I'm not having you lot wildly speculating either, so I've disabled comments for this item!

Click here to read more about swinging on Wikipedia
Click here for porn star key cover by Broadstairs firm Elgate

Wow! It's The Summer Of Our Disco Tent!

Hey baby! If you're looking for a summer of lurve and groovy sounds, Thanet's the place to be! No fewer than 417 rock, pop and arts fests are planned for the isle this year. From Peruvian nose pipes to the latest licks from Lady Gaga, we've got the lot!

The fun kicks off in July with outdoor rock festival Thanet Fest planned in King George VI Park, as well as the annual Sound Island Festival at Quex Park with X Factor singing sensations JLS topping the bill. The mood changes for August, when hairy men and women are invited to chillax with a pipe or two of the good stuff to the mellow sounds of Broadstairs Folk Week. Then it's back to headbanging with Ramsgate's Rock on the Dock! The Millionaires' Playground will also be hosting an arts festival in August and, er, another arts festival enticingly dubbed Monster Bass. Then September bangs with another open air rock concert for Ramsgate, alongside the finals of the National Powerboat Championships!

Plus there's heaps of stuff going on in the seedier north of the island. But as that's all coming out of the council tax, I'm sure they can pay for their own publicity!

Blow For Manston

Cripes! Yet another consignment of rotten bananas flown into Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport has been discovered laced with something to sniff at! 3kg of cocaine was found in amongst veggies on a flight from Ghana on Tuesday, according to the Kent Messenger.

It's not the first time cargo flights have concealed contraband. At this rate, it'll be snowing in Thanet all year round!

Click here for more on KM website
Yams. Apparently it was yams.

North Of Yer Transom

Yes, the memoirs are coming along nicely, since you ask. I'm just in the process of writing up my encounter with Matt Lucas at the checkout at Budgens in Finchley.