What's Black And White And Red All Over?

Why, Ramsgate's new, super-duper library, of course!

Pootling down to Waitrose earlier to stock up on Millionaire Shortbread for the weekend, I was accosted by a KCC representative canvassing my views on what colour the interior of the rebuilt bibliotheque should be. My first instinct was, of course, to opine that it should be reminiscent of the glorious red, gold and green interior of Pugin's Grange here in the Millionaires' Playground.

That suggestion was, however, greeted with what I took to be rather huffy disdain, and I was shuffled over to a board covered in photos of municipal (urgh!) libraries from around the county. I must say they all looked more like something Linda Barker might have designed for a children's ward after a bad night on acid, but I eventually settled on a not-too-tawdry puce-coloured scheme. Having pointedly asked if the library, which burnt down in 2004 and is due to re-open later this year, would contain a museum as before ('No'), and whether we would be consulted on which books would be stocked ('No, we've already bought them'), I turned to the thorny question of whether it would be mostly a 'One-Stop Benefits Shop' as has proved all the go in Margate. 'No, that hasn't exactly been a rip-roaring success,' came the rather sharp response.

Meanwhille I see that our local biblio-bloke, Michael Child, met with a lukewarm reception when he tried to take photos of the ongoing works the other day. You can see his report, and pictures, here.

The Red Cliffs Of Ramsgate

Reader Roger writes:

What with the ongoing work on our crumbling East Cliff here in Ramsgate, and the large number of parakeets that inhabit the area, I have been inspired to re-write the lyrics of that old, wartime classic The White Cliffs of Dover. I enclose some sample verses. Would you be able to pass them on to your old showbiz pal Dame Vera Lynn?

There'll be green birds for sure mate
On the Red Cliffs of Ramsgate
Tomorrow
Just you wait and see

There'll be crap apartments
Small as railway compartments
Tomorrow
Just down by the sea

There'll be builders' lorries
And more dog borries
Tomorrow
Just you wait and see

Hmm. Not sure it's quite the thing for Vera, but I'll run it by her.

The Naked Truth

Crikey! I see Thanet Council may give the green light for nudists to cavort in Pegwell Bay!

The bay, which is a Site of Special Scientific Interest, has already been dogged by dogging and deluged by dead starfish. According to top Thanet nudie Peter Checksfield, the council has now offered it as a special spot for those with no clothes. The naturists normally enjoy letting it all hang out at Botany Bay, near Kingsgate, but have been told that's, er, not on.

Well, earlier today I stopped Mr Ceaucescu (no relation) in the middle of masticating the upstairs shower room and sent him out in his best birthday suit to see if he could come up with any alternatives. The result? Broadstairs... of course. And it seems he made a friend!

Airport For Sale - One Careful Owner

Unfortunately not a plan to sell off Manston and turn it into a wind farm. Although that would probably be for the best, given last night's experience.

No, this is Maypole Airfield, just off the Thanet Way between St Nicholas-at-Wade and Hernia Bay. It also happens to be where our local doctor/councillor tugs many a banner from. And where some of the local residents object to the aforementioned banner tugging.

It's on the market for £1.25m, and for that you get 56 acres, 'five spacious hangars', a toilet block with two WCs, a club house, equestrian facilities, and a three bedroom bungalow. Lovely. I suggest the Doc gets down there quick with a wad of folding, before the locals club together and, er, queer his pitch.

Click here for details of sale at Browns Country Property
Click here for Maypole Airfield website

Rocket Man(ston)

According to our local flying doctor/councillor, NASA could land the Space Shuttle at RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport (Not according to this list - Ed.). In the small, wee-wee hours of this morning, however, it sounded as if they were launching one!

I was having a nightmare about Biggin Hill anyway, when at precisely 2.48am by the luminous dial of my Rolex Oyster (Whitstable Edition), a thundering sound that would have woken the dead rattled the roof of my cliff top mansion, and dislodged all the Baftas from my mantelpiece. I had to spend the next hour reading the memoirs of the late, lovely, dearly-departed Sir Alec Guinness before slumber returned to the Eastcliff eyelids.

Anywhere else and they would have been fined for disturbing the beauty sleep of local residents. Especially that of sensitive, celebrity types like moi. But not round here. And the airport's boss, Matt Clarke, can't even be bothered to turn up to consultative committee meetings. What an absolute ruddy shower!

Margate Blighted By 'Surf 'n' Turf Wars'?

Bit of a gear change, as we say in the trade, but rumours are rife over on the seedy north side of the island that last week's arson attack on the Tivoli Arcade was not a random occurrence.

Her Majesty's Rozzers have confirmed that two men were seen dowsing the seafront slot palace with petrol, before setting fire to it and scarpering in a blue, D-reg Volvo, which was later found burnt out a few hundred yards away in Grosvenor Place. Ten people who were in the arcade at the time escaped with their lives, and £500,000 worth of damage was caused to gaming machines.

According to today's Thanet Times, the arcade is owned by the same firm that runs the DV8 nightclub next door. And we know that David O'Leary, the businessman who was shot dead at his home in Lydden, just outside Margate, eight weeks ago was 'known to the police' and had been involved in an altercation at DV8 that very evening. Now the local Morses are putting two and two together and coming up with 'turf wars'. Or, according to another suggestion, it could even be 'Turk wars', as rival Turkish gangs slug it out over the Margate seafront patch.

Of course, there's nothing to substantiate any of this wild speculation, and the cops have specifically denied making any link between the O'Leary shooting and the Tivoli fire. But I can't help feeling that the biggest loser in all this is poor old Margate. Already on its knees, it surely doesn't deserve to be shot in the back of the head. Then set fire to. Then pissed on to put it out. Does it?

Spaghetti Grows On Trees

Oh go on then. While I'm in the mood, we might as well take a peek at the grandaddy of them all. Panorama 1957.

Pigs Might Fly

Yikes! It seems the BBC has discovered a new colony of penguins that have evolved an extraordinary ability to fly! Thanks to Dane Valley Ted for the link.

Click here to see flying penguins on BBC iPlayer.

Isle Have Some Of That!

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder News Editor April Furst

Thanet Council has launched an ambitious, multi-billion pound plan to get the island back on its feet. Speaking at the launch of the new scheme, which the council has dubbed Plan it! Thanet!, Tory Leader Sandy Beach said: 'We've really pulled the rug out from under the noses of our critics this time. Plan it! Thanet! is winning praise from all sides of the political plectrum.'

The scheme, which the council hopes will be completed by 2010, includes:

£100m indoor beach and pool on Margate's derelict Dreamland site
£50m state-of-the-art aquarium on Margate's derelict Lido site
£20m refurbishment of Margate's run-down Winter Gardens
£50m Imax cinema at Ramsgate's derelict West Cliff Hall site
£50m ice rink at Ramsgate's run-down Royal Pavilion
£40m to revamp Ramsgate's run-down seafront
£120m state-of-the-art fencing around the entire island

Plan it! Thanet! also proposes the purchase of several Turner paintings to hang in Margate's proposed £25m Turner Contemporary gallery and a brand new, 1000 foot landmark replacement for Arlington House to rival London's 'Gherkin', which will house Thanet Council staff. £5bn is also earmarked to relocate Manston Airport to the Goodwin Sands.

Internationally acclaimed celebrity blogger Richard Eastcliff, a long term critic of the council, told the Gazunder: 'I'm gobsmacked. It's like all my birthdays and Christmases have come at once!' Sounding a note of caution, he added: 'Are you sure this isn't some kind of sick, April Fool's joke?'

Could Ramsgate Be The Next Biggin?

With smoke still rising from yesterday's crash site near Biggin Hill, it may appear a trifle unseemly to speculate about what might happen here in Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula should, heaven forbid, one of those 400 tonne lumps drop out of the sky on its way to or from RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport. But people have been emailing me with that question. And you know me, I was never one to steer clear of controversy.

The houses that were destroyed in Farnborough, giving the unfortunate residents their very own unwelcome air show, were about six miles from London Biggin Hill Airport. Which is reassuring, since that would put any similar accident here well out to sea, or somewhere near Herne Bay.

However, only a couple of houses were destroyed by a five tonne Cessna Citation private jet, whereas the jumbos flying over the Millionaires' Playground weigh more than 70 times as much. Furthermore, Bromley Council limits movements at Biggin Hill to 125,000 per year, whereas dear old Thanet Council don't seem to give a flying whatsit. The current agreement governing Manston was drawn up with the now defunct Planestation in 2000, and the council's current line is that they don't need to do anything else until the present owners Infratil ask them to. Training flights a few hundred feet over Ramsgate every 8 minutes? No worries!

Of course, the chances of one of these 'modern and reliable aircraft' (©2008 Dr S Moores) dropping out of the sky onto 40,000 people and hundreds of fine Victorian buildings are pretty remote, aren't they? Well, one of the freight jumbos that flies into Manston belongs to MK Airlines. The people of Halifax, Nova Scotia got a rather rude awakening on 14 October 2004 when a Ghana-registered MK Airlines freighter crashed on take-off killing seven people. The crash investigators put that one down to overtired pilots, who mistakenly instructed the 747's speed and thrust measurements to handle the weight from a previous takeoff, when the plane was 100,000 kilograms lighter.

And, of course, even sophisticated BA 777's drop out of the sky, as we saw at Heathrow in January. I'm off to buy a hard hat!

Click here for report of MK Airlines 2004 crash in the Halifax Star
Click here for latest on Biggin Hill crash on BBC website

My Big Poll Gets Results

Apologies for the headline but I've just spent an hour or so deleting 500 'enhance your manhood' emails which have clogged up my inbox over the weekend, and I think some of it's rubbed off.

Well, it looks as if you do want to see our beloved council's juicy bits after all. So I've dispatched my wrinkled retainer Scrotum off to Staples to buy enough Pritt to glue a small housing estate next to a Kent airport back together, while I rescue the bits from the shredder. For the record, here's the final tally:

Question: Would you like me to expose our beloved council's juicy bits?

Yes - I like a good snigger: 91% (44 votes)
No - I can't think of anything more dull: 8% (4 votes)

Former Thanet Blogger Spotted At Meeting

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Political Editor Hugh Jorgan

Former Thanet blogger Councillor Seamus McSniggles was spotted alive and well recently - at a meeting in Westgate.

Looking fit and relaxed, Tory Councillor McSniggles attended a meeting of the campaign to save Westgate Pavilion (What that? - Ed.). One eyewitness told the Gazunder: 'He wasn't on the panel but was playing the role of responsible ward councillor to a tee, making sure those asking the questions in the audience were handed the mike by him and that sort of thing.'

The eyewitness, who didn't want to be named, added: 'At the end he tried to take control and wrap it all up in a way that made me realise just how slick he thinks he is.' (Are your sure that's not libellous? - Ed.)

Councillor McSniggles, 83, used to run the 'popular but beseiged™' Thanet Spoons website, but retired recently to pursue a lifelong interest in breadcrumbs.

Fency That!

Oh dear. I think the hangover's beginning to kick in. That must be the worst pun yet. Anyway, moving swiftly on... Regular contributor Samantha writes:

I heard that the council was going to do something about the dreadful eyesore-cum-flytip-cum-toilet round the back of Granville Court in Ramsgate, so I was pleasantly surprised when several Mears vans turned up in the pouring rain yesterday. However, once the workmen had gone I was shocked to see that all they had done was put up yet more temporary fencing in true Thanet Council style.

When will our council properly get to grips with these problems? What they have done is the equivalent of putting up barbed wire around a dog turd and saying: 'Job done!' I attach some photos for your blog.

Well, I must say that I prefer the more salubrious sobriquet 'barker's nest', Samantha. But I take your point.

Before Thanet Council's clean-up operation

After Thanet Council's clean-up operation

Green Piece

Lumme! My item about Charlotte Green getting the giggles on Radio 4's Today Programme yesterday has already attracted almost 12,000 25,000 30,000 viewers on ECR TV! That's more than treble the viewers your ratepayer-funded Kent TV gets in a week!

So in true BBC style, here's a repeat.

Arcade Flames

As promised, photos of the Tivoli arcade conflagration on Margate front late this afternoon. Well, er, not so much a conflagration as a small bonfire judging by these shots. According to my eyewitness damage was pretty limited. There were, however, rumours circulating that someone had entered the building and thrown some sort of firebomb down on the floor. Charming.




Update: Kent Police have now confirmed this was an arson attack, and are looking for two men seen escaping in a blue, D-reg Volvo which was later found burnt out in Grosvenor Place. Ten people were in the arcade at the time, and £0.5m worth of damage was caused to slot machines. Click here for more details on Kent Police website.

For latest story click here.

Margate's Burning (Again)

Unholy smoke! Just had a call from one of my chums in the Arsonists' Playground to say that the front's on fire again. Apparently four pumps and a turntable have been in attendance for the last half an hour or so.

This time it's the Tivoli arcade, which has been closed for a few months. Yes, well, er, that seems to be the usual pattern of things around here. Should have some piccies for you later.

Update: Kent Online are now reporting 10 pumps and 60 firefighters, but despite initial reports of people trapped no-one found inside and the blaze is now out.

Charlotte's Corpse

Cripes! It's every performer's worst nightmare! Did anyone else hear normally straight-laced-sounding Radio 4 newsreader Charlotte Green cracking up on the Today Programme this morning? Apparently some joker in the studio had whispered in her ear that a newly discovered, 150 year old recording of somebody singing Au Clair de la Lune sounded like 'a bee in a jam jar', and it all went downhill from there.

Take a listen. And I defy you not be be cracking up too by the end of it!

Rank Hypocrisy

Yet more evidence of the marvellous, reinvigorating effect that Westwood Cross is having on the economy of our local towns!

As you know, leisure group Rank has upped sticks from our splendid, listed Royal Pavilion here in the Millionaires' Playground to re-install its casino in a shed up Westwood Chaos, leaving the Pav in a right old state by all accounts. The building was leased to Rank by the the predecessor of our beloved council eons ago, when even Brucie was in short trousers. Reader 'Walter of Ramsgate' has done a Freedom of Information search at the council asking how they intend to go about getting the place ship shape and Bristol fashion, and they've replied thus:

A lease was granted by Ramsgate Borough in 1969 for a term of 75 years on a fully repairing and insuring basis. The lease is covered by the various Landlord and Tenant Acts. The Council, as landlord, is aware of current disrepair and a full schedule of dilapidations has been prepared. The Council is looking to the tenant to address these in accordance with the terms of the lease and provisions of the relevant Acts. Costs associated with remedying the disrepair should be borne by the tenant either in directly undertaking the works or via the judicial system.

Meanwhile Rank have been treating City types to tours of their new Westworld Cross casino-cum-shed, according to Guardian Unlimited, in an attempt to prove they've got a full house of people wanting a, er, full house. GU's Market Forces Live reports:

Take up of good quality electronic bingo offer appeared to be high. The casino used the G Casino format we have seen elsewhere, designed to appeal to a mass-market audience. We saw no radical new departures last night but we did see a business with ideas for the eventual improvement of its product.

Overall there was a good atmosphere in a club with a pleasant design and it was easy to see why admissions were running above budget, particularly after a brief look at the centre of Margate where what was not run-down was boarded up.

Seems like one of those self-propelling prophecies to me!

Click here to see Rank report in Guardian Unlimited
Click here to see photos from City analyst visit to Westwood casino

Have A Go On My Poll

I've received a sackload of emails (two) begging me to whip my Pritt out and start gluing together all fifteen pages of that Thanet Council internal consultation document I put in the shredder last week. Blimey, what a dull lot you are!

Still, in the interests of democracy I've popped a quick poll in the sidebar on the right. You've got until midnight on Sunday to make up your minds. And remember, it's totally anonymous - no 'trails of breadcrumbs', guaranteed. I would urge you, though, not to vote yes. Otherwise I'll be spending all next week with sticky fingers!

Turneround Moscow

While you lot debate whether there will or won't be actual Turner paintings in Margate's proposed Turner Gallery (see Open F-All Hours below), one place that is going to get a lend of the master's splendid daubs does indeed begin with an 'M'. Unfortunately it ends with an 'oscow'.

Apparently, Russian millionaire Alisher Usmanov, who owns 25% of Arsenal Football Club, has underwritten the enormous insurance costs of putting on a Turner exhibition, and now Moscow's Pushkin Museum will display 112 oils and watercolours for three months this coming November.

The Turners are currently on display in Dallas, and I detect a pattern emerging here. It would seem that, in order to get Turner's works displayed in your home town, you need to be in possession of great quantities of oil, gas and millionaires. Well, oil we might be able to scrape off the beaches. Our council can provide the gas. And Ramsgate's got the millionaires! Sorted!

Click here for full story in The Times