Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a businessman and am also a local Tory councillor, for which I receive almost £5,000 a year in expenses from the taxpayer. Unfortunately, due to the nature of my business, I spend the majority of my time in Panama. Should I do the decent thing by my constituents and step down? Or should I get a friend to sign me into meetings and continue to collect the dosh? S

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me! D'yer think I'm some cow with a box the size of a reasonably priced tent? Yer givin me an arse like the back of Batman's car with all that shite. For feck's sake yer clatty prick, say some Hail Marys before I gnaw me own rasher off.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I do run an aviashun bizness in the airea and I do do do do really do do do want to fly my ickle aerioplanes and evun sum of those really really big airoplains over Ramskate at 500 feet all nite with lots and lots of narnies on them. But some nasty boys have been saying they do not wont me to fly my airoplains and have been writtening things on the beach and I think they are very very nasty. M

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus Hermesetas Christ yer a feckstick and make no mistake! What a ball of crap! God yer've probably got an arse like a bag of rats! Now feck off and do some old prayin to Mother Mary!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a senior politician and have promised everybody in Ramsgate that they will get a shiny new ferry service. However, I am beginning to wonder whether I have not been hoodwinked by some dubious types. Should I resign? Dr (Really) S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Sure yer enough to give me a scaldy ring. Yer tugging at me fartstrings so much yer about to blow me hoop! Stop playin with yer lad and feck off!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.