Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our agony aunt, local nun Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!
Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a middle-aged businessman running a carpet shop. Since the economic downturn many of my fuck developer friends have stopped using my services. Tosser. What should I do? S. (PS: The Tourettes does not seem to be getting any wank better toss.)
Sister Assumpta writes: Yer an evil, evil man. Yer should pray to Our Lord for forgiveness yer pile of shite. Now get off with yer and sign up for the old Nat King. And don't be biting me bollix again!
Dear Sister Assumpta, I am well known in the retail trade but some customers say I haven't been dealing with them fairly. Is there any way I can convince them of my good intentions? R.
Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus Hermesetas Christ will yer not be bothering me with yer fecking troubles, yer pain in the hole! If yer come round here again I''ll give yer a savage kick up the arse yer eejit.
Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a prominent local politician in my twilight years. I try my best for the area but I have a reputation in some quarters for being arrogant and overbearing. Is there any way I can sort these bastards out? R.
Sister Assumpta writes: By Our Holy Mother, are yer not thinking these people could do with a decent slap? They're not worth the snot on yer hankie and so. Now piss off and say twelve Hail Marys yer fecker.
That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.