Friday, July 25, 2008

Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our agony aunt, local nun Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a middle-aged businessman running a carpet shop. Since the economic downturn many of my fuck developer friends have stopped using my services. Tosser. What should I do? S. (PS: The Tourettes does not seem to be getting any wank better toss.)

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer an evil, evil man. Yer should pray to Our Lord for forgiveness yer pile of shite. Now get off with yer and sign up for the old Nat King. And don't be biting me bollix again!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am well known in the retail trade but some customers say I haven't been dealing with them fairly. Is there any way I can convince them of my good intentions? R.

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus Hermesetas Christ will yer not be bothering me with yer fecking troubles, yer pain in the hole!
If yer come round here again I''ll give yer a savage kick up the arse yer eejit.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a prominent local politician in my twilight years. I try my best for the area but I have a reputation in some quarters for being arrogant and overbearing. Is there any way I can sort these bastards out? R.

Sister Assumpta writes: By Our Holy Mother, are yer not thinking these people could do with a decent slap? They're not worth the snot on yer hankie and so. Now piss off and say twelve Hail Marys yer fecker.

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Dear Sister Assumpta

I am a local councillor who also serves the police by sitting on their police authority.

From time to time I have phoned persons to indicate that their evidence is not required. All part of my public duty to serve the police needs in the community.

One would expect the same in return. That my evidence would not be required.

So some fecker has only gone and asked the Rosemary Nelson Judicial Inquiry to examine its terms of reference with a view to seeking my witness appearance.

And where's the ex Police Area Commander, the ex area police range licensing officer, the ex Chief constable, the ex Deal Bombing CID team when you need them.

I thought they were all my leather pinnie mates. But they say that they are leather pinnie well pensioned off mates now. But they will pray for me during their contemplative perambulations and toast my health at many a festive board.

So how come I could be facing the third degree alone then ?

Can you have an insider word with the Grand Architect of the Universe and get me off the hook here Sister ?

Best wishes

Bully Bill

sister assumpta said...

By all the saints will yer not feck off yer leather-pinnied twat? And pray to the Good Lord that he reunites yer with yer left diddy when yer present yerself to Saint Peter.