Thursday, July 17, 2008

Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our agony aunt, local nun Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a middle-aged man in a prominent position on the local council. I believe I may be suffering from Tourette's as every time I open my fucking mouth the most dreadful language comes out of it. Tosser. What should I do? S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer an evil, evil man. By all that's holy have yer not thought to wash yer filthy, dirty hole out with soap? I will pray for yer soul every night, yer evil little gobshite.

Dear Sister Assumpta, as a property developer with a large portfolio I am getting deeper and deeper into debt because of the current credit crunch. Should I set fire to some of my buildings and claim the insurance? J.

Sister Assumpta writes: Mother Mary and all the saints! Now why would yer be wanting to do that, yer fecking crapbag? Surely now yer could pay for some boss-eyed, crack-toking eejit to do it for yer? I will pray for Our Lord to intervene.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I run a local blog which campaigns against plans to build a Chinese business park on the island's water supply. Now people are calling me 'lacist'. Is this 'porritical collectness' gone mad? B.

Sister Assumpta writes: For the love of God, will yer not be using that kind of language with me young man? Now why don't yer stop acting the bollix and get a proper job, or I'll be after giving yer a slap.

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.


Anonymous said...

Dear Sister

I run a prominent jewelery business in Thanet and wondered if you might have any crosses icons or artifacts that we might be able to clean up for you and make pukka again.
Those stories about weighing things before you send them to me are rubbish. Everyone knows the buffing up sometimes knocks a couple of kilos off the weight.
You might want some of the stones replaced with ,"hiltonite" which is a special mixture of ground glass and boiled sweet that is impossible to tell from the real thing.
Waiting for you call Rodge

satan said...

Dear sister,

I am known by many names, beelzebub, satan, the antichrist etc, and I was wondering whether Thanet might be a good place to invest in?. I am slightly worried by the unsavoury accounts I hear of local business, and if now is a good time to build up my buy to let portfolio.

Cheers Old Nick

sister assumpta said...

By Our Lord and all the holy disciples, I haven't got a baldy what yer on about there. Sure a bigger bollix never put his arms through a coat. I'll pray for yer soul.

sister assumpta said...

And yers too, yer sack of shite.

Kos Sovan said...

I'm an immigrant to this land and haven't got used to the customs here.

Firstly, when ripping out the copper pipe from unoccupied flats is it considered rude to not turn the water off first?

Secondly, on fire extinguishers it says "strike hard", is it improper to do this on the back of a policeman's head?

sister assumpta said...

By the Holy Stone of St Rickets! Will yer not stop biting the back of me bollix? I'll say a couple of Hail Marys for yer, yer mentaller.

Anonymous said...

I saw sister Assumpta and a novice in Harbour Street last week. A flasher ran by, the novice fainted, Sister Assumpta had a stroke.

sister assumpta said...

Too fecking right I did, yer bollix.