Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our agony aunt, local nun Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!
Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a middle-aged man in a prominent position on the local council. I believe I may be suffering from Tourette's as every time I open my fucking mouth the most dreadful language comes out of it. Tosser. What should I do? S.
Sister Assumpta writes: Yer an evil, evil man. By all that's holy have yer not thought to wash yer filthy, dirty hole out with soap? I will pray for yer soul every night, yer evil little gobshite.
Dear Sister Assumpta, as a property developer with a large portfolio I am getting deeper and deeper into debt because of the current credit crunch. Should I set fire to some of my buildings and claim the insurance? J.
Sister Assumpta writes: Mother Mary and all the saints! Now why would yer be wanting to do that, yer fecking crapbag? Surely now yer could pay for some boss-eyed, crack-toking eejit to do it for yer? I will pray for Our Lord to intervene.
Dear Sister Assumpta, I run a local blog which campaigns against plans to build a Chinese business park on the island's water supply. Now people are calling me 'lacist'. Is this 'porritical collectness' gone mad? B.
Sister Assumpta writes: For the love of God, will yer not be using that kind of language with me young man? Now why don't yer stop acting the bollix and get a proper job, or I'll be after giving yer a slap.
That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.