Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Ask Sister Assumpta

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a politician who has recently acquired a number of big ticket items. Wank. Now people are saying they were presents from my developer chums. Fuck tosser. Should I give them back? S. (PS: The camomile tea you recommended for the Tourettes does not fuck seem to be working wank.)

Sister Assumpta writes: Sure yer a bit of a feckin chancer aren't yer? Stop actin the feckin maggot and get down on yer knees and pray for forgiveness yer arsehole.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a property developer with an important meeting to attend. Should I go in a suit or 'smart casual'? K.

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus feckin Christ will yer not be botherin me with yer feckin questions? God I've got a scaldy ring like the back of Batman's car after listenin to yer whinin!
Now piss off yer Bombay shitehawk.

Dear Sister Assumpta, I have an important decision to make due to my political status. Should I defer it and hold out for a new Bentley? K.


Sister Assumpta writes: Sure you're a feckin eejit. Why would yer just be standin around with yer lad in yer hand when you could be havin a good old pray? Now feck off, yer pain in the Swiss!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

5 comments:

Ben Wallets said...

I'm just praying for a yes vote, I can't any more.

Blimey I though my developer chums were sleazy but these politicos

Ben Wallets said...

I meant I can't take it any more

they've frazzled my brain.

Imagine being polite to that lot for a week Christ

Anonymous said...

What would one of those items be - a big sea worthy item might i ask?
Perhaps if you drown in it that might solve all your problems and maybe the people of Thanet too, just so long as you take some of your cabinet member with you - not too much to ask i trust

Dick Rubin said...

Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.

Lucy Mail said...

Really?
I thought you lot could go to sleep with a light on but not a hard on.