Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your personal problems!
Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a politician who has recently acquired a number of big ticket items. Wank. Now people are saying they were presents from my developer chums. Fuck tosser. Should I give them back? S. (PS: The camomile tea you recommended for the Tourettes does not fuck seem to be working wank.)
Sister Assumpta writes: Sure yer a bit of a feckin chancer aren't yer? Stop actin the feckin maggot and get down on yer knees and pray for forgiveness yer arsehole.
Dear Sister Assumpta, I am a property developer with an important meeting to attend. Should I go in a suit or 'smart casual'? K.
Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus feckin Christ will yer not be botherin me with yer feckin questions? God I've got a scaldy ring like the back of Batman's car after listenin to yer whinin! Now piss off yer Bombay shitehawk.
Dear Sister Assumpta, I have an important decision to make due to my political status. Should I defer it and hold out for a new Bentley? K.
Sister Assumpta writes: Sure you're a feckin eejit. Why would yer just be standin around with yer lad in yer hand when you could be havin a good old pray? Now feck off, yer pain in the Swiss!
That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.