The Daily Thanet Christmas Quiz

Yes, it's that time of year again! When Thanetians settle down after stuffing a bird, skin up a Camberwell carrot and roast their Superdrys in front of a blazing amusement arcade with a huge helping of Daily Thanet Christmas quizzing, a tradition which has spread joy around the island ever since 2013.

We've based our questions on the events and people that have shaped Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula during the past year. So throw another Grade II listed building on the yuletide blaze, grab yourself a plentiful portion of Heston's hand-pounded spatchcock, and settle down to test your noddle with our Thanet brainteasers!

January

Which world-acclaimed Thanet blog was NOT published in January (or the previous two years, for that matter)?

A: Peter's Pantsless Porkers
B: Thanet Wives
C: Eastcliff Richard (now The Daily Thanet)

Answer: C - But it returned in February, thus bringing much-needed cheer and laughter back to the isle.

February

The Great Wall of Ramsgate was whitewashed by some numpty with a roller and a pot of Wilko's finest, ruining priceless works of art in less time than it takes to jackhammer a Banksy off the side of Poundland. But who was eventually fingered for the crime?

A: A professional Painter
B: A flappy-mouthed, castanet-lipped local councillor
C: Nobody

Answer: C - Apparently the woodentops failed to decipher the writing on the wall.

March

Former Thanet Council leader and Tory stalwart Sandy Ezekiel was banged up for 18 months at Maidstone Crown Court. What was he found guilty of?

A: Misconduct in a public office
B: Misconduct in a public lavatory
C: Misconduct in a public library

Answer: A - Three guilty pleas of calling public officials 'f*cking t*ssers' were also taken into account during sentencing.

April

A famous politician, beloved of the island's Blue Rinsers, died this month. Who?

A: Maggie Thatcher
B: Thatcher, Thatcher The Baby Milk Snatcher
C: The Right Honourable Baroness Voldemort of Kesteven

Answer: All three, depending on your political viewpoint.

May

UKIP trounced the Tories in the Kent County Council elections, but what nationality were the bricklayers who paved Kent UKIP leader Roger Latchford's new driveway?

A: Bulgarian
B: Irish
C: Kentish through and through

Answer: B - despite quotes from local firms, Rodge fell for the blarney.

June

The Ferrygate scandal was in full swing after it was revealed that Thanet Council had secretly subsidised failing ferry firm TransEuropa, without so much as a 'by your leave' from the taxpayers. How much of our dosh did Bayford, Hart, McGonigal et al pour down the gurgler?

A: £3.4m
B: £26 for every man, woman and child on the island
C: £340,000 for every job 'saved' at the port of Ramsgate.

Answer: All three - or to put it another way, only 28 times Thanet Council Chief Executive Sue McGonigal's annual salary.

July

The original plans emerged from more than a decade ago for the Royal Sands aka Pleasurama eyesore development on Ramsgate front. The drawings sported a Whitbread logo, but what did Whitbread say when they were asked what their involvement would be?

A: Nothing to do with us, guv.
B: We're only here for the beer.
C: It'll Costa lotta money! (Geddit!!!???!!!??!)

Answer: A - Whitbread's Acquisitions Manager, when told about the plans, said he had not seen them, and that the company was 'in no negotiations with any party in respect of any development in Ramsgate'.

August

Margate has traditionally always taken first prize for being the biggest shithole on the island. But this month a report found that one of Thanet's other towns was even crappier. Which?

A: Broadstairs
B: Ramsgate
C: Birchington

Answer: B - the report's authors had clearly overlooked the fact that the local pronunciation of Acol is 'Aaah-soul'.

September

New figures revealed the number of fines Thanet Council had dished out in the previous year to dog owners who had not cleared up after their pooches had pooed on the pavement. How many?

A: Four
B: Four million
C: Four billion

Answer: A - the figures also revealed that enough barkers' nests are deposited on Thanet's pavements each year to build four Boris Islands - with sufficient left over for half an Isle of Wight.

October

Kiwi owners Infratil offloaded loss-making Manston Airport to Scottish millionairess Ann Gloag for the princely sum of one entire British pound. What new name did she give it?

A: Manston Poundland Airport

B: Manston Skyport Airport

C: Manston Pickle Airport

Answer: B - whilst also managing to keep quiet the fact that 'Ann Gloag' is an anagram of 'Anal Gong'.

November

South Thanet's Tory MP Laura Sandys announced on her Facebook page that she would not be standing at the next general election. What reason did she give?

A: She wants to spend more time with her family, including husband Randy Sandys

B: She's bored with cleaning up the streets of Thanet single-handedly

C: Roger Gale is having her baby

Answer: A - apparently Randy is living up to his name and has asked for more early day motions.

December

Oscar winning actor Tom Hanks starred in the latest Disney blockbuster Saving Mr Banks. Where was he born?

A: Concord, California

B: Calgary, Canada

C: Cliftonville, Kent

Answer: C - he was born in Thanet while his father was serving with the USAF at Manston, and spent his early months in a flat in Northdown Road.

So how did you do?

0 - 4 correct answers - Thanet Council is your mum
5 - 8 correct answers - Your airport has doubled in value to £2
9 - 12 correct answers - Aldi Shampagne all the way!

May we also take this opportunity to wish all our readers a very merry Christmas and the best of British for 2014 (you'll need it). And to those who have been offended by this blog during the course of 2013, a very heartfelt and sincere 'tough titty'.

Peas On Earth And The Little Baby Cheeses

Well, it's already Christmas Day down here in the southern hemisphere, so ho-ho-ho! May I wish you all (well most of you) a great Yuletide and a fantabulous 2010!

Christmas Served Up On A Plate

Holy Yuletide! Since I ran that item about a local author who found Jesus in her Christmas dinner, I've been inundated by an email from another Thanet writer saying she spotted Santa in her lunch! While attending her works festive bash yesterday, the big fat man with the snowy white beard materialised before her very eyes in a plate of gammon and chips:

Personally I think she's hamming it up. (Geddit!!!?!?) But you know me, I'm easily egged on. (Geddit again?!???!???!???!?!!!!) Or maybe she's got a chip on her shoulder, and the yolk's on me. (Geddit yet again??!!!!??!??!???!!!!!!!)

Er, I think I've used up all my best material on that. Still, good luck to yer ma'am! And let's hope when Santa comes this year he doesn't get stuck up your chimney while he's emptying his sack!

Thanet Woman Finds Jesus In Xmas Dinner

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Food Editor Gordon Ramsgate

A Westgate woman is praying that her pooch will pop out an early Christmas present following a foodie find that could be bigger than the last supper!

Author 'Dizzy' Lizzy Lumsden was noshing her turkey and trimmings at a Christmas dinner organised by a Birchington book club when she scooped up a forkful of peas and potatoes and screamed 'Jesus Christ!'

King of the Chews

'I looked at it and there was the very image of Our Lord sitting on my fork,' Mrs Lumsden told the Gazunder. 'I'd never seen anything like it. Once I got over the shock, I passed it round the table. Everyone agreed that it was the spitting image of the Messiah!'

Stable Condition

Mrs Lumsden asked the waiter to pop her find in the freezer so it would keep, and later took it home with her. 'I was going to auction it on eBay,' she said. 'I thought it would make a great Christmas present for somebody with religious views, or failing that somebody who collects decorations.'

Stigmata Sauce

But her dreams of jumping on the Jesus and Mary gravy train later came to nothing when her husband found the Son of God sitting in the freezer, popped it in the microwave and fed it to the Lumsdens' dog, Woofie.

'I could have crucified him,' said Mrs Lumsden. 'But in the true spirit of Christmas I forgave him. We're now hoping that, after its journey through Woofie, it'll turn out alright in the end.'

Mrs Lumsden is 38.

Big Down Under

There, that's better! I've managed to shake off my cold. And I've put my Christmas deccies up to boot! And having just watched the Giant Panda of the Exchequer telling us everything will be alright next year, what more could an impoverished sleb wish for?

Well, actually, now you come to mention it, I do wish I was reprising my Big Down Under tour of a few years ago. Y'know, when I pulled my Twankey off with a big spread in The Age, amongst others. But alas, dear reader, even though the Aussie economy seems recession proof, I've been told by my agent Bev that my antipodean panto career is behind me. Even the Neasden Hippodrome said they'd rather have Joe Pasquale. So the only chance I've got of having them rolling in the aisles this year is if that shelf stacking job at Tescos comes off.

Not so regular reader Millicent, however, who is just back from the Big Brown Land and has sent me her first impressions on catching up with the latest Fannit news. Take it away, Millicent!

Notes from a Small Island after returning from a Big One
(With apologies to Bill Bryson)

Have just returned from visiting family in Australia so have enjoyed catching up with all the freebie papers full of local news which had been stuffed through my letterbox while I was away!

This is my take on the last month’s exciting events in Thanet!! After recovering from the shock that our KCC councillor Mr John Kirby had jumped off the cliff at Screaming Alley I read on to discover that he was taking part in the annual abseil for charity. Phew! Good for you John – but you had me worried there for a moment.

Air passenger numbers cut by cash crunch
Glad to see our Matt has been cut down to size and that his 116 page master plan has already had to be revised - only 2.2 million passengers instead of 2.7 million predicted - I’ve yet to meet one person who has actually flown from Manston this year but I’m happy to support his plans as long as they do not include night flights from 11pm to 7am

The Lights are on but everybody’s (sic!) at home
Sorry to hear that not many people turned out to see Ramsgate’s Christmas lights switched on but the ones in the photo are on all year anyway so what is all the fuss about? Birchington have gone over the top this year with a Santa’s grotto, snow machine, ice rink etc, etc. Whatever next?? Still with free parking vouchers on offer and our local loyalty scheme hordes of shoppers are obviously being encouraged into our town centre to part with their pennies - has anyone opened a 98p shop in my absence? Personally I shall hibernate on Christmas Day and will probably give it up for Lent next year!

Joined-up rubbish plan
On the same page Mark Seed, named as 'bins boss' at Thanet Council, was given the go-ahead for his joined-up rubbish plan combining the isle’s rubbish collection service with those of Canterbury, Folkestone and Dover - does that mean we can soon look forward to one rubbish collection a month? After all our bin lorries can only be in one place at once. Sounds like somebody has done some joined-up thinking - but maybe they should concentrate on learning joined-up writing first? By the way you might all be interested to learn that wheelie bins have invaded Australia too – quite a blot on the landscape in places.

Your worst nuisances
Dog fouling, cycling on pavements, and nuisance youths were identified by Thanet residents in a recent survey as three of the main problems!! Who on earth do they ask when they do these surveys? Has anyone you know filled one in? My worst nuisances would include:

Noisy aircraft doing circuits and bumps
Smokers outside cafes and pubs polluting the environment and blocking the pavement so I have to walk in the road
Split rubbish bags everywhere
Not enough loos
Mobile phone users on buses who have nothing to say saying it very loudly
Thanet District Council

Eco home owner to honour wife’s ideas
A man from Birchington who already has solar panels on his roof wants a wind TURNINE (sic!) to go with it – isn’t that being just a little bit greedy? Anyone know what a 'Turnine' is? It must be right because I saw it in the Thanet Times (Dec 1st)

Thanet could be a green powerhouse
Apparently I missed the biggest bash of the century when Thanet held it’s own mini Copenhagen climate change energy summit in November. It must have felt considerably warmer that day when all the hot air blew across Thanet. Hope all the influential visitors in the renewables sector (who writes this stuff?) enjoyed having their lungs full of beautiful Thanet air for a change. Good on ya Laura Sandys - keep it up!

Northdown House is open for business
Apparently this rather neglected, unlisted but magnificent Georgian building is now available for hire for 'Conferences, Weddings, private parties, craft fairs etc'. Sadly without a complete makeover I don’t hold out much hope, but I would love to see this building re-furbished and fully-functioning again.

Ferry Christmas
This is more than can be said for our promised ferry service - apparently there are now firm plans for it to start in March - where have we heard that before? [Steady on Millicent! You probably missed that Eurof*****s' m'learneds got rather shirty during your absence! - Ed]

Council gets a carpeting
Also apparently Margate’s dreams are about to come true because Mrs Hodge, the culture and tourism minister, has awarded them £3.7 million to transform the former Dreamland site into the world’s first heritage park. I only hope it will happen, but can’t help wondering how TDC are going to pay for the Turnip Centre?? £3.7 million would certainly help, especially now that the offices in Cecil Street have been re-carpeted in pink! This wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that a certain local carpet company offers to dispose of your old carpet while at the same time advertising that over 30 rolls of discounted stock have just arrived in store? Anyone remember what colour the old carpet in the council offices was?

There has been some good news however while I’ve been away!
The delightful Tom Thumb Theatre in Cliftonville is re-opening on December 10th so please support their Christmas show if you can. More info at www.tomthumbtheatre.co.uk

And finally...
A local dignitary, who shall remain nameless, has asked me to be his friend on Facebook (fame at last), and the Dept of Transport has promised an extra £500,000 so pensioners can still travel free on local buses. So I’m off now to Loop the Loop one more time just in case they change their mind!

Millicent
Your intrepid Thanet Planet explorer

The 12 Days Of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my council gave to me:
A business park from CGP

On the second day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the third day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Three French markets
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the fourth day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Four empty eyesores
Three French markets
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the fifth day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Five gold ASBOs
Four empty eyesores
Three French markets
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the sixth day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Six burnt out buildings
Five gold ASBOs
Four empty eyesores
Three French markets
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the seventh day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Seven jobs at Manston
Six burnt out buildings
Five gold ASBOs
Four empty eyesores
Three French markets
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the eighth day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Eight 'fucking tossers!'
Seven jobs at Manston
Six burnt out buildings
Five gold ASBOs
Four empty eyesores
Three French markets
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the ninth day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Nine knackered jumbos
Eight 'fucking tossers!'
Seven jobs at Manston
Six burnt out buildings
Five gold ASBOs
Four empty eyesores
Three French markets
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the tenth day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Ten greenhouses glowing
Nine knackered jumbos
Eight 'fucking tossers!'
Seven jobs at Manston
Six burnt out buildings
Five gold ASBOs
Four empty eyesores
Three French markets
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the eleventh day of Christmas my council gave to me:
Eleven closed museums
Ten greenhouses glowing
Nine knackered jumbos
Eight 'fucking tossers!'
Seven jobs at Manston
Six burnt out buildings
Five gold ASBOs
Four empty eyesores
Three French markets
Two old duffers
And a business park from CGP

On the twelfth day of Christmas I moved to Brighton.