Urological Song

Irregular contributor Richard Eastcliff writes:

'Hello Samantha! Mwahs for looking after the big blog while I'm banged up! Things are pretty dull here in the Actors' Convalescent Home in Bournemouth. So betwixt the old pethidine injections I've been penning my first musical!

Inspired by the proposed night flights over Ramsgate, it's about an incredibly suave, sophisticated and handsome young blade who lives in a cliff top mansion in the Millionaires' Playground (played by me, natch). In the small, wee hours whenever the knackered old cargo planes full of rotten bananas roaring overhead disturb his beauty sleep, he climbs up onto his chimney stack and aims a large, gushing wee at the offending 747s. I've called it Widdler on the Roof.

And I've already written the first number. Here goes.... (give me an F minor please, Norman)... ahem... right... here goes...

[ECR (spoken)]
You see, Sandy...

[sung] In this life, one thing counts
Lots of kip, large amounts
Knackered old planes as low as trees,
You've got to have a snoodle or two

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys,
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Knackered planes as low as trees.
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[ECR (spoken)]
Let's show Sandy how it's done, shall we, my dears?

[sung] Why should we, break our backs
Paying you, council tax?
Better to sit on benefit
Better have a snoodle or two.

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Why should we pay council tax?
Better have a snoodle or two.

[ECR (spoken)]
Who says brarn envelopes don't pay?

[sung] Brian White, what a joke!
On jet fumes, he can choke.
He doesn't care, what's in the air
When we need a snoodle or two

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Brian White on fumes can choke!
We want to have a snoodle or two.

[ECR]
Take a tip from Richard E
Whip it out and start to pee.
Climb up tall and expel it all
He'd rather have a snoodle or two.

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
We should be like Richard E
So we can have a snoodle or two.

[ECR (spoken)]
Effin' night flights!

Jumbo jet, passing by
Ancient heap, can barely fly
Scull all the beer, piss on its gear,
So you can have a snoodle or two.

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Scull your beer, piss on its gear
So you can have a snoodle or two.

[ECR]
When I hear, planes that whine,
I protest, with urine.
Only to find some peace of mind
We have to have a snoodle or two.

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Just to find some peace of mind

[ECR AND RAMSGATONIANS]
We have to have a widdle or two!

Ahthankyou. Gros bisous! Mwah!'