Back To The Future?

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed a recent trend towards blasting on the past when it comes to the future of the Millionaires' Playground?

For example, the excellent Ramsgate Music Hall has recently opened. Its Victorian branding and moniker resonate more of unicycling Basset Hounds and plate spinning contortionists than the groovy sounds that are actually emanating from the place.

Then there's Albion House, rapidly being transformed into a boutique hotel which will very much draw from the heritage of the place. I hear rumour that there'll even be a King and Country Bar!

And now we have the imminent arrival of The Empire Room, a splendid looking restaurant addition to The Royal Harbour Hotel, over on the west side of town. Click on the pic above to visit their website.

I dunno. I guess with all the magnificent Victorian architecture around Ramsgate, and perhaps with a little sprinkling of the WW1 Centenary this year, nostalgia is rapidly getting back to what it used to be! Which is why, once the previous bodgers have been swept away from the Pleasurama Eyesore next month, I'll be putting in my bid to build a Barnum and Bailey style freak show on the site. After all, there's certainly no shortage of exhibits in these parts - bearded ladies, man-monkeys, cigar-smoking five year olds, skeleton women, elephant women, women who bang six inch nails into wood with their foreheads.... the possibilities are endless. Who knows, with my plan for a tattooed chav enclosure, I might even get public funding!

Urological Song

Irregular contributor Richard Eastcliff writes:

'Hello Samantha! Mwahs for looking after the big blog while I'm banged up! Things are pretty dull here in the Actors' Convalescent Home in Bournemouth. So betwixt the old pethidine injections I've been penning my first musical!

Inspired by the proposed night flights over Ramsgate, it's about an incredibly suave, sophisticated and handsome young blade who lives in a cliff top mansion in the Millionaires' Playground (played by me, natch). In the small, wee hours whenever the knackered old cargo planes full of rotten bananas roaring overhead disturb his beauty sleep, he climbs up onto his chimney stack and aims a large, gushing wee at the offending 747s. I've called it Widdler on the Roof.

And I've already written the first number. Here goes.... (give me an F minor please, Norman)... ahem... right... here goes...

[ECR (spoken)]
You see, Sandy...

[sung] In this life, one thing counts
Lots of kip, large amounts
Knackered old planes as low as trees,
You've got to have a snoodle or two

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys,
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Knackered planes as low as trees.
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[ECR (spoken)]
Let's show Sandy how it's done, shall we, my dears?

[sung] Why should we, break our backs
Paying you, council tax?
Better to sit on benefit
Better have a snoodle or two.

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Why should we pay council tax?
Better have a snoodle or two.

[ECR (spoken)]
Who says brarn envelopes don't pay?

[sung] Brian White, what a joke!
On jet fumes, he can choke.
He doesn't care, what's in the air
When we need a snoodle or two

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Brian White on fumes can choke!
We want to have a snoodle or two.

[ECR]
Take a tip from Richard E
Whip it out and start to pee.
Climb up tall and expel it all
He'd rather have a snoodle or two.

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
We should be like Richard E
So we can have a snoodle or two.

[ECR (spoken)]
Effin' night flights!

Jumbo jet, passing by
Ancient heap, can barely fly
Scull all the beer, piss on its gear,
So you can have a snoodle or two.

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Scull your beer, piss on its gear
So you can have a snoodle or two.

[ECR]
When I hear, planes that whine,
I protest, with urine.
Only to find some peace of mind
We have to have a snoodle or two.

You've got to have a snoodle or two, boys
You've got to have a snoodle or two.

[RAMSGATONIANS]
Just to find some peace of mind

[ECR AND RAMSGATONIANS]
We have to have a widdle or two!

Ahthankyou. Gros bisous! Mwah!'

Let's Shoot The Harbour Master!

Not the new slogan for the Sunseeker Owners' Club's Campaign for Real Dredging. No, somebody wants to make one of those fly-on-the-wall series about our port and Royal Harbour!

Given my experience in the TV game, and my prominence on the interdoo-da regarding all things Ramsgate, it's not surprising I get approached by production companies after a bit of free advice. If you recall, last year I was in discussions with a TV outfit that had the rather outlandish idea of making Ramsgate - The Musical. Now a researcher for the people who bring you such student cult classics Cash in the Attic and Car Booty has sent me the following email:

I'm after some stories about the port of Ramsgate. Although the council can provide me with (limited) statistics, it's more annecdotal stuff I'm after. The reason I'm asking, is that we may be doing an observational documentary about the Port of Ramsgate, but I need to know if there's enough going on there to fill a series of programmes.

I'm not sure how many jolly, fat, gay men with goatees or homicidal bottle blondes work down the port, but go on...

What's the story with the Ferries? What's the main reason people catch them? Is it mainly booze cruises? Someone mentioned antique hunters as well. What's the draw of Ostend/Belgium?

You may well ask.

Illegal immigrants. What have been the main busts? What else has been memorable in this area? I heard about a Russian people smuggler sentenced recently.

Yikes!

Is there a lot of activity with regards to (the aforementioned)? We can fill programmes with human interest stories, but obviously it would be great to have stories related to the unique challenges working in a port provides? Any help you can provide would be appreciated.

So, anyone got any answers? The researcher concludes:

If you can keep this to yourself for the time being.

Oh dear. Didn't notice that bit before. Me and my big mouth!

The Lonely Boat Nerd

How marvellous to be back in the thick of the showbiz action! This offer to star in Ramsgate! - The Musical has reinvigorated the old Eastcliff imagination. I've even started writing the songs!

[ECR:]
High on a cliff was a lonely boat nerd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Rich was the name of the lonely boat nerd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

Down in the port an old matelot heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
Lusty and clear from the boat nerd's throat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

[the Ramsgatonians:]
O ho lay dee odl lee o, o ho lay dee odl ay
O ho lay dee odl lee o, lay dee odl lee o lay

[ECR:]
A mate on the bridge of a ferry boat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
[Councillor Green:]
A scrote in the sky with a jet to fly heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

[the Ramsgatonians:]
Blokes in the midst of a roofing quote heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
[ECR:]
Chaps drinking Gadds with the foam afloat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

A twonk with a vote who had proved turncoat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
[Councillor Turncoat:]
I fingered back to the lonely boat nerd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

[ECR:]
Soon had a man with a gleaming gloat heard
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo
A pain with a plane and an anecdote heard
[ECR and the Ramsgatonians:]
Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo

[ECR and the Ramsgatonians:]
Ummm (ummm) . . .
Odl lay ee (odl lay ee)
Odl lay hee hee (odl lay hee hee)
Odl lay ee . . .
. . . yodeling . . .

[Sandy Beach:]
One cheeky git in a bright blue coat heard
[ECR:]
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hoo hoo
[Sandy Beach:]
He yodeled back to the lonely boat nerd
Effing odl tosser odl-oo

[ECR and the Ramsgatonians:]
Eff-ing tosser odl lay ee
Tosser odl lay lay hee hee
Eff-ing tosser odl lay ee
Tosser odl lay hee hee!