by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Transport Editor Wynn Screenwiper
Here in Thanet we love our motors! Whether it be a bashed up banger, a white van the size of a double-decker bus, or that cherished P plate Peugeot with the hand painted bonnet, there's one thing you can say about Thanetians - we gotta have wheels! But with the price of petrol and diesel busting the £28 per litre barrier, keeping your motor running is fast becoming the sole prerogative of the posh, poncy few.
So how can you improve your MPG without going to all the hassle of GBH? (Eh? - Ed.) We asked a panel of motoring experts for their top tips (that didn't involve having a mate down the harbour with unlimited access to cheap marine diesel).
1. Yabadabadoo! Take a tip from the Flintstones - get a mechanic to cut a hole in your footwell, then in slow-moving traffic just turn off the engine and move your motor by manpower! Note: owners of Italian vehicles can save on the mechanic by merely applying a hefty boot to the floor panel.
2. It's a breeze! Make sure you always have a following wind whenever you set off on your journey. Be sure to check weather forecasts regularly for the right conditions to make your return trip.
3. Get hitched! If the car in front has a tow bar, gradually creep up until it hooks onto your front bumper. Then pop her in neutral and hey-presto! You're on your way to visit their Auntie Doris in Dorset!
4. Watts up Doc! It's a well known fact that it costs much less to power a vehicle using electricity. But the price of conversion is prohibitive. Not to worry - you already have an electric starter motor! Just drain the tank dry then travel everywhere by merely selecting first gear then turning the key in your steering column. Don't forget, though, to carry some high voltage cables to charge up whenever you're near a handy lamp post.
5. Put a Tiddles in your tank! Fed up with the cat just eating, sleeping and pooing all day? Turn it into biodiesel and make it earn its keep! One moggy makes around 2.5 litres, according to the inventor of the process, Dr Christian Koch.
(That's enough tips - Ed.)