Ask Colonel Bufton

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our Commander-in-Chief of all agony uncles, Colonel Bufton, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Colonel Bufton, I am a gay man living in a civil partnership. My partner and I are thinking of relocating to the Isle of Thanet, but we have heard that the area is a UKIP stronghold. Do you think we should reconsider? T.

Colonel Bufton writes: Oh do shut your bone box and give your bellows a rest, there's a good fellow. It's fart catchers like you who give the place a bad name, causing the Wantsum to fill up again an' all, what! Get a bit of dash-fire in your loins and find yourself a memsahib! What!

Dear Colonel Bufton, I am Bulgar woman please excuse bad English. I want field picking job in England and think to relocate with the Isle of Thanet. But I am hearing from friends that bad men who hate Europe come and spoil things with it. Do you think I reconsider? Ж.

Colonel Bufton writes: You are undoubtedly off your chump. We don't want sauceboxes like you here, what! Tell your chums in Bongo Bongo Land, or wherever it is you come from, that they are not welcome in Blighty! Now cut your stick, you snotter! What!

Dear Colonel Bufton, I am a thoroughly British gent who likes a pint and a ciggie. As the next step in my political career, I am thinking of relocating to the Isle of Thanet, but I have heard the area is a stronghold for the smelly socks brigade. Do you think I should reconsider? N.

Colonel Bufton writes: My dear chap, we would be absolutely delighted to see you here in Thanet, what! You sound like just the sort of decent cove we're looking for. I would be chuffed to buggery to welcome you into my home, as would Mrs Bufton, who has asked me to add that she would be privileged to let you take her up the smeller. Chin chin! What!

That's enough Colonel Bufton - Ed.

Ramsgate To Get Bayeux Tapestry

As my picture shows, the local youth have already discovered the new hoarding around the old hoarding on the Royal Sands (aka Pleasurama aka Titanic) eyesore here in the Millionaires' Playground.

Now comes a circular from Ramsgate Firster and not so teeny-tiny councillor Gerry O'Donnell saying he's got permission from the site's (extraordinarily slow) developer SFP Ventures and their contractor Cardy to 'paint murals' on it. Gerry witters: 'I have agreed that Ramsgate Town Council should take some overview leadership to ensure that the artwork is of the highest standard achievable in all circumstances'. Hurrah! Let's re-animate Van Gogh!

Er, not quite, as Family Guy lookalike G'OD's missive concludes: 'There should be an element of continuity to underline that we are a community - think Bayeux Tapestry.'

Oh, right you are Gerry. Bayeux Tapestry eh? Hmmm. I'm thinking. I'm thinking bows, arrows, Norman invasion. I know! Seeing as it's not unknown for the locals to stand on the cliff top flicking what I believe are called 'vickies' at the cliffs of France on a clear summer's day, how about this?

Update: I've now put in a request for funding to set up mypleasuramahoarding.com, along the lines of the famous mydavidcameron.com. To get the ball rolling, leave your suggestions below and I'll see what I can do!

Ask Doctor Fraudstein

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week our celebrity psychoanalyst, Dr Fraudstein, tackles your personal problems!

Dear Dr Fraudstein, I am a politician who has recently been described as looking like a 'Mini-Me' of another, much larger politician. Does this mean I have a smaller or larger ego than the larger politician, and will I some day get to lead the council if I just do what he says? J.

Dr Fraudstein writes: Hmmmm. You have been described as a 'Mini-Me', but how does that make you feel? My fee for this session will be £100.

Dear Dr Fraudstein, I am a politician who has recently been described as 'Pinocchio' by another politician. I think this may be because I work with national politicians and sometimes have to tell 'porky pies' on their behalf. Would it be wrong to spin this in my favour by implying that my nose isn't the only thing that gets larger whenever I'm 'economical with the vérité'? M.

Dr Fraudstein writes: Hmmmm. You have been described as 'Pinocchio', but how does that make you feel? My fee for this session will be £100.

Dear Dr Fraudstein, I am a politician who has recently been chastised by the Standards Committee for my behaviour in a cardigan shop. Wank. This has happened twice now and I'm flippin' browned off with it. Fuck tosser. Should I resign and retire to my yacht on the Med? S. (PS: Somebody else advised St Johns Wort for the Tourettes but it does not fuck seem to be working wank toss knackers. Axminster.)

Dr Fraudstein writes: Hmmmm. Please see the nurse on the way out for your haloperidol injection. My fee for this session will be £100.

That's enough Dr Fraudstein - Ed.