Friday, December 01, 2006

An Oapen Letter To Frances

Cliff Top Mansion
Victoria Parade
Ramsgate
Kent

Dear Ms Oapen,

I feel I must apologise for the way I jumped the gun the other day and announced our impending nuptials. It was rash and silly of me, and I was motivated purely by self interest. I admit now that I faked the photograph of us together, and that I have never met you in person. All talk of a fairytale wedding was entirely the product of my fevered and rather over-active imagination.

If you have it in your heart to forgive me, I'm certain that we could have a friendly and purely platonic blogging relationship going forward, and to that effect I have added your blog to my list of 'local millionaires'.

Who knows, we could even become pals, and I'd be delighted if, at some stage in the future, you would handle my rather substantial portfolio bugger I think I've blown it again.

Yours sincerely,

Richard Eastcliff

10 comments:

Lucy Mail said...

What's a 'portfolio bugger' and how would it be substantial?

Jeremy Jacobs said...

Oh for God's sake. Stop using silly corporate-speak like "going forward".

I suppose in a mo. you'll be saying things like, "drilling-down, push the envelope and get with the programme"

(Speaking of which, can you pop along to Hartsdown Park tomorrow. The 'Gate is playing some fairly crappy side called Carshalton - can you get me a prog?)

Would be grateful.

Listen can we do fish & chips at Peters by the harbour at some stage? I have a couple of ideas concerning the fairer sex.

Eastcliff Richard said...

My dear JJ, you're not the only one who has to present the odd corporate bash, and I'll have you know that I've done some blue sky thinking on many an occasion. I'm not complacent, you know.

Margate FC? Fish and chips? Who do you think I am???

BTW Lucy, have you never indulged in a portfolio bugger? I'd swear I caught a glimpse of you performing one in that rather rude film Elton showed me once.

Lucy Mail said...

I'm ok with the odd fiver or even a tenner but I think a portfolio of your proportions might be difficult to accomodate!

Coming up to dribble with me over the Sharpees tonight, at Churchills?
I'm getting closer and closer to actually drooling on his instrument!
They start at 9, I believe.
Don't worry, it won't be like a date or getting engaged or anything like that!

Eastcliff Richard said...

'Twould be nice Lucy old gal but I'm otherwise engaged. Well, not engaged, I mean, er, busy. Do you think if I pop up to Churchill's tomorrow morning I'll be able to follow the snail trail back to where you live?

Snailspace said...

Snailtrail!!
Don't ask me I've never met the fair maiden.

Jeremy Jacobs said...

I'll let you off. Match postponed, waterlogged pitch.

Frances Oapen said...

Listen Mr Dickhead Im not one to hold grudges but dont mess with me again, you have been warned!

Lucy Mail said...

Snail trail? I've got legs, y'know!
Though coming to think about it, they weren't that much use when I left Churchills last night.

Eastcliff Richard said...

All four went did they?