KCC TV!

Shuffling through the small ads in the back of the trade papers this afternoon, I came across an invitation to tender from Kent County Council.

They're looking for a company to run their new broadband TV service for two years from autumn 2007. A quick call to my chum at the council revealed that they've already put together a tentative schedule for a typical evening's viewing:

6pm - Maidstone at Six. That Ruddy-Faced Man From The Council rounds up the latest from the county's capital. Followed by weather.

6.30pm - Tunbridge Swells. Fly-on-the-wall documentary following young rich kids living the high life in Kent's swinging second city.

7pm - Seasiders. Soap. James and Angela Heatherington-Smith have relocated from London to Whitstable, only to find they are allergic to oysters. Starring Janet Street-Porter, Sir Bob Geldoff and Peter Cushing as Uncle Fester.

7.30pm - It's Grim Out East. Gritty drama about a low income family living in, er, what's that place called again? Sort of beyond Canterbury. Right on the end. Just before you get to France and all the cheap booze and ciggies. Anyway, starring Brenda Blethyn and Timothy Spall (hopefully).

8.30pm - Canterbury Tails. Documentary tracks the trials and tribulations of a country vetinary practice based in the Stour Valley.

9pm - Strictly Kent Dancing. Veteran entertainer Bruce Sandy-Lockhart is joined by glamorous Anthea Turner-Centre and a host of other stars from the Assembly Halls in trendy Tunbridge Wells.

10pm - Grand Designs. Documentary detailing the amazing story of how £7m was spent transforming a pile of mud and seaweed off the Kent coast into an entire stable of Bentleys and Ferraris for anyone quick enough to grab a slice (shurely shome mishtake - Channel Controller).

11pm - Camera, Action, But No Police! Some of the best shots from speed and traffic cameras around the county. Hilarious!

11.30pm - News, weather.

11.57pm - Lights out (aren't they always?)

11.58pm - Close down.

11.59pm - Rates up.