Thursday, December 28, 2006


My Fellow Thanetians,

Since thawing out from cryogenic suspension in a warehouse at Port Ramsgate earlier this year, courtesy of the intermittent nature of your French power supply, I have moved among you as the man you have grown to love and trust, Mr Richard Eastcliff.

However, with the new year approaching, the time has come for me to address you directly about the year that has passed, and the year to come. (Applause.)

I have been greatly saddened by the recent demise of my Vice President and Chief Pardoner, President Gerald Rudolph Ford, but am gratified to learn that a space has been found for him in a spare freezer round the back of Iceland. I look forward with anticipation to the day when we will be able to reminisce about the good times again, and feel sure that, thanks to EDF, that day is fast approaching. (Applause.)

I have presided over many changes on your island over the past twelve months. Neglect, scandal and incompetence have grown, which is good. Yet there are many improvements still to be made. I have personally witnessed people being nice to each other (gasps of shock and disbelief), and there are still far too many beautiful coastal areas which would benefit from a watergate (surely 'waterfront'? - Ed.) style development. (Cries of 'Here, here'.)

It is with a joyous heart, however, that I see our God-given gift of wind is to be harnessed over the coming months and years, and look forward to the benefits that will accrue to my property portfolio on the unblighted south of the island.

2007 will be an election year, and I trust you will be taking the opportunity to re-elect me. I feel certain that you will agree when I say that the prospect of a Thanet without a tremendous great Dick in charge would be a cause of great anxiety among the populace. To that end, I will be keeping my ear to the loudspeaker in order to stay one step ahead of my opponents. (Rapturous applause followed by cries of '90 more years!!')

By the grace of God, and with your support, I am confident that my trusted policies of ignoring your problems, ruining your life, and destroying your future will guarantee my place in history.

May God continue to bless the United States of Thanetia.

Richard M Nixon, President


Deepstoat said...

As Tricky Dicky said "Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too." Ever thought about standing for office yourself? You could become the first candidate to have a cyberspace only manifesto and campaign. Hell you might even get elected - couldn't do too much harm. Might even get those railings down.

Eastcliff Richard said...

You're too kind Mr Deepstoat but I'm more suited to being an observer of political life than a participant. Besides, we already have a car-crushing, superhero councillor here on the East Cliff - Greenman would be a pretty tough act to follow!