Ordinarily at this time of year I would, of course, be rehearsing for my Big Down Under tour, or preparing to pull off my festive Twankey at the Neasden Hippodrome. Alas, however, despite many a meeting with casting directors and agents, the only shouts of 'It's behind you!' appear to be referring to my career. Yes, I'm afraid it's true dear reader. What with that, my shrunken assets, and my credit all crunched, I stand before you a much impoverished millionaire. More like a half millionaire. Or perhaps a quarter millionaire. In Zimbabwean dollars. The old ones. Before they revalued. Sniff. Er, anyhow...
So words are not enough to thank our lovely Labour government for the sackful of goodies they gave away in the Queen's speech yesterday! I need no longer worry about my cliff top mansion being repossessed, and they'll provide me with all the Krug and caviar I can quaff. All I have to do is ask! Praise the Gord! Here's what else is on the list I just posted to 'Santa, c/o 10 Downing Street':
1. Bentley Continental Flying Toss (silver)
2. Beach house in Malibu (for hob-nobbing with other celebs)
3. Mont Blanc pen to replace the one I lost in Joss Bay two years ago
4. Two hours of private shopping in Harrods
5. Perpetual free pass to the Ivy
Hurrah! I just know this is going to be the best Christmas ever!