Election Candidates In The Hot Seat

By Isle of Thanet Gazunder Political Editor Gerry Mander

Yes folks, it's election time again! Unless you're dead, living on a different planet, or a crack-crazed, alcoholic meth whore (You've just described 99% of the Thanet population - Ed.), you're probably already caught up in the excitement leading to polling day tomorrow! Will Kent County Council swing to the left? Or will it swing even further to the right and end up bashing into Essex? Or will it split down the middle like some kind of geo-political Terry's Chocolate Orange?

Here at your super, soaraway Gazunder we've gone to the ends of the earth and left no stone unturned to bring you the inside track on all the candidates by asking them to email us something which we've printed verbatim. So it's make your mind up time, Thanet!

UKIP

Candidates: Adolf Hilter, Ron Vibbentrop OBE

Policies: More things to do for the young people would be nice, wouldn't it? To that end we have already established UKIP Youth to help indoctrinate our precious young people with right thinking. Also, we're not racialists, but there aren't 'arf a lot of foreigners around here, aren't there? And while we're at it, you can't visit a public convenience these days without some homosexualist waving their great, big, hairy todger at you. Wouldn't it be great if all these people were rounded up and shot?
 
CONSERVATIVE

Candidates: Nigel Bentley, Prunella Learjet-Joystick

Policies: A vote for UKIP is a wasted vote. We will do everything UKIP are pledging and more. As the national government we have already reduced the appalling deficit we inherited from the filthy socialists by 0.00003 percent through a stringent policy of sacking doctors, nurses, policemen, and firemen. We have steered the country into three recessions, whilst encouraging rich people like bankers to do what they do best - run off with huge bags of fifty pound notes marked 'Swag'. A vote for us is a vote for common sense.

LIBDEM

Candidates: Tony Van Driver, Harry Bleachedanus

Policies: Er, can we get back to you on that? Oh, yes, I've just been reminded that we're basically the Greens, but differ from them in that we hate Labour and love airports. We're BFFs with that nice Mr Cameron although we resent him a bit because he is proper posh, and we only went to a grammar school. Is that enough policies?

GREEN

Candidates: Dr Mick Beard, Amy Hempsweater

Policies: We say 'NO' to giant Tescos, polluting factories, cars, lorries, ferries, planes, trains, Chinese imports, meat, leather, personal hygiene and gas central heating. We say 'YES' to wind farms, mung beans, bicycles, yurts, composting toilets, smelly feet and anything made out of, or rolled up with, hemp.

LABOUR

Candidates: Sophie Ballbreaker, Jason Middlemanagement

Policies: Three years of coalition government have left our county in an appalling state. With every street light switched off, it is now becoming almost impossible to drive one's Toyota Prius to Waitrose in the evenings. And why there isn't a John Lewis closer than Bluewater, lord knows. Let alone the poor miners. With a Labour controlled Thanet Council and a Labour controlled Ramsgate Town Council, we are working hard to ensure that every Thanet citizen receives their basic human rights of a latte and a mozzarella and sundried tomato ciabatta - all day, every day. Let alone the poor nurses.

INDEPENDENT

Candidates: Reginald Loonytoon, Ronnie Motormouth, 'Mad' Maggie Maddingley

Policies: WHAT DO WE WANT? TIME TRAVEL! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER! MAGGIE MAGGIE MAGGIE - OUT, OUT, OUT! KINNOCK, KINNOCK, KINNOCK - IN, IN, IN! CECIL, CECIL, CECIL - IN, OUT, IN, OUT! Also, please take your pick from the following: more renewables, less renewables, no live exports, more live exports, less Pleasurama development, more Pleasurama development, less town councils, more town councils, no filming council meetings, filming council meetings. (That's enough policies - Ed.)