My Fellow Thanetians,
Since thawing out from cryogenic suspension in a warehouse at Port Ramsgate in 2006, courtesy of the intermittent nature of your French power supply, I have moved among you as the man you have grown to love and trust, Mr Richard Eastcliff.
Now, with the new year approaching, the time has come for me to address you directly about the year that has passed, and the year to come. [Applause.]
2009 has been a year of considerable progress. The topping out of the Turner Centre, funding for the New Old Dreamland, and round the clock banana flights from Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport are just some of the achievements we can be rightly proud of. Thanks to my ground-breaking visit to Angola in 1972, a runner bean grown in Africa, using slave labour at a rate of less than $2 a day, can now be whisked in first class luxury to a supermarket near you in less time than it takes a small child to die of malnutrition, allowing our new Chinese friends to enjoy the true taste of Thanetian democracy with their wan ton soup. I feel certain that they will soon be voting with their feet, as they will be too busy with their hands, injecting lethal substances into the mentally ill of the area. [Applause.] Ha, ha, er, no, that was just my little joke there. [Laughter.]
Over the past twelve months, neglect, corruption and incompetence have grown. Yet there are many other improvements still to be made. I have personally witnessed people questioning authority, and asking whether planning permissions have been granted courtesy of brown envelopes or rolled up trouser legs [gasps of shock and disbelief], and there are still far too many beautiful coastal areas which would benefit from a Watergate [surely 'waterfront'? - Ed.] style development. [Cries of 'Hear, hear'.]
Sadly many of you will, however, be facing difficult times in 2010. Your luxury apartments will be repossessed and your jobs handed over to Freemasons. The few remaining shops in your high street will almost certainly close. That is why I have taken strong measures during the year to stimulate the economy and ensure that, no matter how bad things become, no Thanetian called Richard need suffer the ignominy of having to tread barefoot on anything less than lambswool shagpile. [Three choruses of: 'Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!']
I feel certain that you will agree when I say that the continuing prospect of a Thanet with a tremendous great Dick in charge will give great comfort to the populace. To that end, I will be keeping my albeit rather trembly finger poised on that big red button in my plushly carpeted office in Margate. [Rapturous applause followed by cries of '90 more years!!']
By the grace of God, and with your support, I am confident that my trusted policies of ignoring your problems, ruining your life, and destroying your future will guarantee my place in history.
May God continue to bless the United States of Thanetia.
Richard M Nixon, President