Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A SEASONAL MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT RICHARD MILLHOUS NIXON

My Fellow Thanetians,

Since thawing out from cryogenic suspension in a warehouse at Port Ramsgate in 2006, courtesy of the intermittent nature of your French power supply, I have moved among you as the man you have grown to love and trust, Mr Richard Eastcliff.

Now, with the new year approaching, the time has come for me to address you directly about the year that has passed, and the year to come. [Applause.]

2009 has been a year of considerable progress. The topping out of the Turner Centre, funding for the New Old Dreamland, and round the clock banana flights from Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport are just some of the achievements we can be rightly proud of. Thanks to my ground-breaking visit to Angola in 1972, a runner bean grown in Africa, using slave labour at a rate of less than $2 a day, can now be whisked in first class luxury to a supermarket near you in less time than it takes a small child to die of malnutrition, allowing our new Chinese friends to enjoy the true taste of Thanetian democracy with their wan ton soup. I feel certain that they will soon be voting with their feet, as they will be too busy with their hands, injecting lethal substances into the mentally ill of the area. [Applause.] Ha, ha, er, no, that was just my little joke there. [Laughter.]

Over the past twelve months, neglect, corruption and incompetence have grown. Yet there are many other improvements still to be made. I have personally witnessed people questioning authority, and asking whether planning permissions have been granted courtesy of brown envelopes or rolled up trouser legs [gasps of shock and disbelief], and there are still far too many beautiful coastal areas which would benefit from a Watergate [surely 'waterfront'? - Ed.] style development. [Cries of 'Hear, hear'.]

Sadly many of you will, however, be facing difficult times in 2010. Your luxury apartments will be repossessed and your jobs handed over to Freemasons. The few remaining shops in your high street will almost certainly close. That is why I have taken strong measures during the year to stimulate the economy and ensure that, no matter how bad things become, no Thanetian called Richard need suffer the ignominy of having to tread barefoot on anything less than lambswool shagpile. [Three choruses of: 'Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!']

I feel certain that you will agree when I say that the continuing prospect of a Thanet with a tremendous great Dick in charge will give great comfort to the populace. To that end, I will be keeping my albeit rather trembly finger poised on that big red button in my plushly carpeted office in Margate. [Rapturous applause followed by cries of '90 more years!!']

By the grace of God, and with your support, I am confident that my trusted policies of ignoring your problems, ruining your life, and destroying your future will guarantee my place in history.

May God continue to bless the United States of Thanetia.

Richard M Nixon, President

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy the fireworks!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Thanetians and ECR

Rejoice as this year ends and a new end is in sight!!!

We (member's of the AIA)are now well placed to rear end Thanet?

We must also rejoice in the way the local Authority has fully implemented its Fractile Dimension fiscal policy.

The AIA ( not to be confused with the other AIA).

Enjoy the fireworks my A**E

To be Anal Retentive is to be a politician

Anonymous said...

To save money, why don't the council shut down the planning department and sell off the premises. Afterall planning is usually granted in the East Kent Lodge isnt it?

Anonymous said...

11.12 am - that seems a very sensible move. And why have all those planning officers when you only need one to attend the Lodge meetings. Job description should include 'should be male and able to roll up trouser leg'.

Anonymous said...

Mr. President

How wonderful to have you back in the Brian Whitehouse. Will you sit at the piano tonight, surrounded by your appointed cabinet of men of the highest integrity, and sing some of the old favourites like 'I wonder who's Kissinger now?' and 'How much is that Dead Kitty in the window?'

When you last were President of Thanetia, you were hounded from office due to the unwelcome attention of some nosy 'bloggers' called Woodshed and Biggles, I seem to recall many of your appointees going to jail for conspiring to burgle and bug the offices of your political opponents and then the covering up of various bribes and threats of imprisonment and murder.

As we know now, all those allegations were formulated in the febrile and sordid imagination of Mr. Mark Felt. What history will record, is your brave initiation of 'Detente' with China. It's incredible to think how far we've come since then.

In place of hostility, we now look forward to a Thanetia covered in millions of tons of Chinese concrete, transforming our quaint regional backwater into an economic powerhouse. Members of your new administration regularly journey there and sample the finest things China has to offer. Some even return in their own time to take their holidays there, sated as they've become, of jellied eels and pearly kings and queens.

I predict that there will come a time when the hallowed floors of 'Duffer Towers' will be adorned with expensive Chinese rugs rather than just ordinary pink carpet from some anonymous supplier from Margate.

Let's rejoice. With the return of you Mr. Nixon, we'll have our very own 'Upright Dick' to take his rightful place amongst all the others in the government of the United States of Thanetia.

Anonymous said...

ECR best wishes to you and yours for the New Year. Keep it up. CM.

Anonymous said...

生活盡可低,志氣當高潔..................................................

Anonymous said...

Gosh, I remember the good old days when this blog was replete with humour in the comments section too.
These days it seems to be full of childishly political sniping and social inadequates, who think they're clever because they can produce bullshit which is so tenuous, that noone else can understand it.

Shame!

Bertie Biggles said...

I see those scantily dressed young ladies from Japan (?) are back with you Dickie, old chap.

Anonymous said...

Talking of scantilly clad women (not!) I see that Peter Checksfield now wants us to pay him to photograph the slappers of Margate.

Anonymous said...

Anon 8.27, there are a lot more that would pay him not to take his Margate works of art or whatever you like to call them.

Peter Checksfield said...

Yes you're right 4:41. Other photographers mainly... : )