Friday, December 19, 2008

Old Eastcliff's Thanet Almanac

Yes, it's that time of year again when I stare into my uncannily accurate crystal balls! Last year I predicted museum closures, non-spontaneous combustion in Margate, and the renaming of the island 'Hong Kong' in honour of its new Chinese owners. Pretty much a 100% hit rate! Here's what 2009 holds:

January
The new year will bring great gusts to the island. Thanetians will be grateful, however, as a man from the north wearing a comedy tie will create wind-related jobs in Ramsgate.

February
February will be a short month, and may even end after just 28 days. A former millionaire celebrity from the beautiful south of the Ile, who would ordinarily be relaxing in the Caribbean as a guest of Sir Richard Branston at this time of year, will be seen collecting barkers' nests for the fire.

March
Following the success of last year's Closing of The Museums, Thanetians will celebrate a new festival - The Nailing Up of the Khazis. A well known developer will accidentally-on-purpose burn down and/or demolish a listed building.

April
This will be the fourth month of the year. A magnificent beer festival will be held in the north of the island, bringing great wealth to local stockists of Neurofen. A fat man with grey hair and glasses will be seen campaigning for election to Ramsgate's teeny-tiny council.

May
A Tesco bag will be found in the wild west of the island containing three pairs of underpants, a signed photograph of Rhydian, and a quote for 3000 sq ft of shagpile.

June
Victorian bathing costumes will be all the rage in Broadstairs. (What's new? - Ed.)

July
Scheduled services to Rockall will begin from RAF London Kent Ramsgate Manston International Airport.

August
Millions of cash-strapped British tourists will descend on Margate for their annual holidays, only to find it's been closed for the past ten years.

September
Thanet's foremost citizen will be celebrating his birthday by shopping at Poundstretcher this year. Please send your gift or food parcel in advance to: Richard Eastcliff, Cliff Top Mansion, Victoria Parade, Ramsgate, Kent.

October
Westerly autumn gales will cause a great drift of empty White Lightning, Stella and Strongbow cans to wash up on the shores of Belgium.

November
The island's water table will be discovered to have been polluted by a spillage of crystal meth in Cliftonville, leading to many islanders being hospitalised after becoming Barrymored. A large pall of intoxicating smoke will also hang over Ramsgate.

December
New, fast trains will whisk Ramsgatonians to London in less than 30 minutes. A wise but impecunious man will write another load of old cods like this. The birth of cheeses will be celebrated on the 25th.

Phew! That's enough almanac, pass the Aldi Shampagne!

3 comments:

Lucy Mail said...

Cheeses, quite! As Jonathon Ross might say, if he were allowed to talk to anyone.

I'm sure some lovely things will happen next year, too!

Eastcliff Richard said...

As the late, great, lovely John Lennon said: All we are saying is give peas a chance.

Although I must say I do prefer our delicious, fresh, locally grown sprouts at this time of year!

Lucy Mail said...

I'm told they're much tastier when they've had a hard Frost on them.
I think that's why I'm not all that keen on them. Who on Earth wants to eat a vegetable that's been shagged by an aged TV presenter?