Who Wants To Eat A Meal On Air?

Bev rang to say that Channel 4's resident rocket scientist and borry sniffer Dr Gillian McKeith is planning a celebrity edition of her show, and they're considering me for it.

Frankly I'm not sure if I want that woman going through my motions, but it's a big job, and my profile's currently lower than Ronnie Corbett standing in a very deep trench, so I've said yes.

Besides, what with a diet consisting principally of champagne, truffles and caviar, I should definitely be able to give her a run for her money.

Poetry Corner

In Memoriam
Ram Skate Raider
Popular Blogger

So, Farewell
Then Ram Skate
Raider.

'Steaming
Great twat',
That was
Your catchphrase,
Which got up
The nose
Of Dr Moores.

So much so
That now he's
Buggered off too

Are you by any chance related?

E.C. Richard (27½)

Graffiti Break

If you recall, I'd been wondering what the rozzers had been doing down at Dumpton Gap at 11.30 on Saturday night.

Dr Biggles has the explanation - they appear to have been on the trail of a very dangerous gang of armed graffiti artists.

Let me be the first to congratulate the boys in blue on the apprehension of this 'posse' of lunatic vandals, and retract my earlier insinuation that they should have been concentrating their resources on the drunk drivers, street spewers and random urban urinators on Broadstairs High Street.

I'm sure everyone will agree that we'll all sleep more soundly in our luxury water beds tonight!

Bandstand Set For Blast-Off!

Isle of Thanet Gazunder Exclusive


The East Cliff's new-look, out-of-this-world bandstand is set for blast-off - thanks to a visit from Status Quo!

Several long-haired men, one with a pony tail, were spotted inspecting the bandstand last week. Two of the men bore a striking resemblance to Status Quo legends Rick Parfitt and Francis Rossi! It's thought other members of the party were 'roadies', checking out the venue's fantastic new sound system in preparation for the gig of the century!

Asked whether the Quo would be performing 'Down Down, Deeper and Down' as a tribute to the site's crumbling cliff, a spokeswoman for the wrinkly rockers told the Gazunder: "I don't know what you're talking about."

Gazunder Goes Under

So much for becoming a publishing magnate. Honestly, it would be less hassle to draw the money out in cash, stuff it into black plastic sacks, and proceed straight to the nearest drain.

But you'll be pleased to know I've found jobs for all the Gazunder staff - on the Big Issue. And I've told them if they come up with any scoops, I'd be happy to publish them here.

Religious Experience

Thought I'd swan over the seedy side of town yesterday afternoon, and take a squiz at the Baldwin and Bushell exhibition at Gallery IOTA on the West Cliff.

Mr Bushell's rather eerie paintings appear to be selling like the proverbial hot cakes, with more red dots next to them than you'd find in a measles epidemic. Even Mr Baldwin's mechanical sculptures appear to have been well received, with his huge, rusty donger already snapped up for a few thousand smackers.

As I was toddling back I wondered if there was any way of looking around the imposing flint monastery opposite that architect Plugin's place. Overcome by curiosity, I peeked through the small grate in the door, only to jump out of my skin when a Bede-y eye peeped back. Seconds later the door opened and a very jolly Irish monk emerged for a chat.

Bearing a faint resemblance to Father Ted's friend Father Jack, the only word I could make out was "Anorak", although "Feck", "Arse", "Drink" and "Girls" may have been in there somewhere. Still, it was more enjoyable than the conversation I had with the fellow who emerged rather mysteriously from the Gents across the road brandishing a cup of tea, who tried to bludge 'a couple of quid' off me.

Beach Ball Jugglers

Picture the scene. The mean streets of Broadstairs on a Saturday night. It's 11.30, the pubs are turning out. The sound of drunken revelry and spewing cuts through the October air.

But the Dickensians can sleep soundly in their beds. The cops have got it covered. They know where the trouble spots are. They're poised for action - on the beach at Dumpton Gap.

Well that's where they emerged from in their Kent Police Transit as I was doing a bit of a nocturnal reccie in the Smart Car last night. I can't recall ever seeing anything bigger than a bicycle making it up that steep slope from the Dumpton Gap prom, let alone an enormous van full of Kent's finest.

Judiciously avoiding the horrors of Albion Street on a Saturday night, they turned left up Boredstares High Street, heading straight back to HQ. Needless to say, the convoy of cars packed with beer-sodden youths that were by then behind them pulled over until the coast was clear.

Oakleigh Doakleigh

Nope, Ramsgate is definitely the place to invest, as evidenced by the announcement this week of planning permission for another 6000 luxury apartments and several five star hotels on the old Pleasurama site.

And Oakleigh Developments, those nice people who lovingly restored the Granville here on the East Cliff, this week erected a new, er, sign.





Why not take a look at their website, I thought. It's there on the sign: oakleighdevelopmentsltd.com. Can't see it? No, neither could I. Must be awaiting planning permission.

Although that's not the case with Phase 2 of the Granville development, round the back, which has had planning permission for some time. Ever curious, I thought I'd take to my twin-engined Squirrel, get above the hoardings, and sneak a peak at how things were progressing...



Hmmm... about the same as their website, it would seem.

Property Coldspot

Going over a few curtain swatches with Angela yesterday, she had the barefaced cheek to suggest that Broadstairs was now being tipped as the Ile's property hotspot. Really.

Anyway, it prompted me to have another look, so for this morning's constitutional I took a walk on the Dickensian side. I would have to grudgingly admit that it does have a certain olde worlde appeal. Especially if you're a coffin dodger.

I had to smile, though, when a couple of obvious inward investors walked past, scouting the Ile, cameras at the ready, and one turned to the other with the question: "What's this place called?" Needless to say, his companion returned the enquiry with a blank stare.

Dream Cottage

I've decided that, as part of the renovations here at the old cliff top mansion, a log cabin would be a nice feature in the garden. I can just picture myself, on those balmy summer evenings, sipping a G&T and holding forth on the veranda.

Flicking through some of the local glossy colour supps, I came across an ad which looked promising:



The splendid cabins being advertised include The Alamosa, The San Luis, and The Denver. Last on the list comes:



As you can see, it's at a rock bottom price, and despite being a millionaire, I'm always on the lookout for a bargain.

And where can I purchase The Broke Back?



Why, none other than Johnsons of Whitstable, of course!

Monet Monet Monet

I see my old pal and interior designer Claude Monet has been commenting on my blog, so I've put up a picture of one of the daubs he did for the new extension at my cliff top mansion.

Not bad for an old French bloke with a beard, eh? Not sure the photo does it justice, though, as it's now reminding me of the mould that used to grow on the bathroom walls in that dingy old flat in Wandsworth I used to rent many years ago.

That's Sandy!

Suck my old boots! It must be Ramsgate Day at the BBC!

I was just tucking into my lunch (quails eggs on toast), and thought I'd pop the old Sony 50 inch flat screen on. What's the first thing I see? None other than our council leader, Sandy Beach, pontificating about the new Pleasurama development deal.

Doing a live 'two-way', as we call it in the biz, he looked about as relaxed as a man who's just begun to suspect a snake is crawling up his trouser leg. Still, the elocution lessons appear to be paying some dividends, and he'd clearly received a full briefing from the Cecil Square spin doctors, judging by the number of times he uttered the words 'luxury' and 'prestigious'.

No mention, though, of whether this means our crumbling cliff is going to be repaired any time before the onset of the next ice age. Does anyone else remember him promising urgent remedial action as soon as the ink was dry on the deal?

Count Your Blethyns

Whilst performing my ablutions in the East Wing ensuite this morning, I happened to tune to Radio 4 on the built-in B&O system.

Imagine my surprise to hear the dulcet tones of the 2nd Greatest Ramsgatonian (after me, of course), actress Brenda Blethyn, coming through the speakers as I scrubbed the old broccoli. Although I have to admit at first I mistook her for dear old Wendy Richard.

Our Bren was holding forth on Midweek with Libby Purves. Ramsgate got plenty of mentions, as of course did Bren's new autobiography. It was, however, a trifle harsh of Libby P to opine, when Hunter Davies spoke of wearing clogs during his childhood up north: "Brenda, you probably used to dream of wearing clogs in Ramsgate."

Flight Of Fancy

Still catching up with the local comings and goings after my short break, I see that American tourists are being given a guide to the Ile in order to tempt them to flock here once flights to and from Nowhere, Virginia begin next year.

The spokeswoman for the company arranging the tours is quoted as saying: "Margate has some lovely sunsets, so that might be a lovely romantic destination."

Clearly the poor, deluded woman has never been anywhere east of Cape Cod, let alone Arsongate, so just to put her in the picture, here's a shot of a typical Margate 'lovely sunset'.

North Thanet Lets One Off

North Thanet has made good on its threat to carry out a pre-emptive strike of its biological 'stink bomb', provoking a strong reaction from South Thanet leaders.

The device was let off in Broadstairs harbour last week, creating a similar stench to the North Thanet test site in Margate Harbour. Previously it was thought that North Thanet lacked the technology to deliver the bomb, but experts now believe that boffins in Cecil Square have made a breakthrough, and could soon be targeting other beauty spots on the Ile.

Full story in the Isle of Thanet Gazunder.

Caff-Crushing Councillor

Not content with just crushing abandoned cars, I see our local councillor Dave Green is now turning his attention to crushing abandoned greasy spoons. Apparently he's going to demolish this eyesore in King Street with a single blow of his mighty, viridescent arm any time now.

Good to see our local Labour man taking the totally opposite view to Tory council leader Sandy Beach, who only last week was banging on about how he was going to transform the Ile de Thanet into a 'café society'.

Service With A Snarl

I must say, standards at the best hotels along the Croisette in Cannes definitely appear to be slipping.

More of my jolly holiday snaps soon, you'll be oh-so-pleased to hear!

No News Is No News

I've just realised I haven't received any of those awful free newspapers this week.

Maybe it's because our local 'foot distributor' (as I believe they're called) can't be bothered to go out in all this wind and rain. Either that, or my super, free, rip-roaring Isle of Thanet Gazunder has seen off the competition already!

Clean Sweep

I chuffing well do not flipping believe it!

Here I am, sitting in my James Bond style, gadget-strewn nerve centre at the old Cliff Top Mansion, and what do I see? The sweepy-broomy man from the council is only cleaning up the road minutes after the bin men have been. Normally the detritus is left on the street for at least 24 hours to give the KFC gulls a chance to pick over it.

What next, wheelie bins for Disgusta Road? Has there been a revolution on Uranus while I've been away?

Gazunder Blunder

Flaming Murdochs! This newspaper lark isn't quite what it's cracked up to be, is it?

While I've been away on my hols, my highly-paid pack of newshounds on the Isle of Thanet Gazunder have only managed to write a paltry four stories.

Just tootling around the Ile in the old TT earlier, I saw at least five remarkable sights that would make a good story, viz:

1. Margate Harbour actually full of water. Must be a very high tide. The council have ramped up the sands all along the beach. Presumably they're worried about the sea rising too far and putting all the fires out.
2. An 'Acquired On Behalf Of Clients' board on the splendid old Lido sign in Cliftonville. Coming soon, luxury apartments?
3. Truckloads of hairy-arsed film crew making some sort of drama on Kingsgate Bay. Just follow the pink arrows with 'LOC' (for 'location') on them.
4. Traffic chaos in Boredstares, as, for reasons known only to themselves, the Dickensians make their streets even narrower.
5. More arrows painted on the surface of Dumpton Park Drive than Davey Crockett had in his hat, including one directing road traffic up what appears to be a footpath.

Anyway, I've given all the Gazunder hacks a bollocking and told them to get their news noses to the grindstone. That should do the trick.