Gone Philming

Phew! Feeling less groggy today, which is a good thing, as I'll need my wits about me for the new show I'm shooting this week for one of the, um, cable channels.

It's called 'Philthy Rich!', and the hilarious idea is that I'm secretly filmed in shopping malls and high streets trying to con members of the public into parting with their hard earned mazonga. Sort of like those internet phishing scams that keep popping up in my email.

I did express a concern that I might not be the best person for the job, as I'm bound to be recognised. But the producer said they couldn't afford Davro, and then made some off-colour remark about me not even getting recognised if I was chucking £50 notes off the top of Nelson's Column dressed in nothing but my birthday suit.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Wino Blog

Eurgh! My head! That Dr McJobby turned out to be a bit of raver. After our Channel 4 meeting, she took me on to her juice bar, and things just snowballed from there.

Where's the Alka-Seltzer?

We apologise for the interruption to our scheduled programmes. This is due to a fault on our Ramsgate transmitter. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

In the meantime, here is some music.

Firming Up My Next Job

Just finished lunch with that Dr Gillian McJobby woman, here in the busy cyber caff at Channel 4. We've discussed the finer points of the show, and now she's nipped off to the ladies.

She's asked me to keep a stool free, but I'm not sure how long I can hang onto it.

What Shall We Do With A Drunken German?

While away the office tedium, that's what!

My old chum Scottie, that chap with the dilithium crystals in his Reg Grundies, has sent me a link to a splendid game, in which you're required to keep a drunk German upright on his late night trek home from the bar for as long as possible. Just move your mouse from left to right, and you'll soon get the hang of it. Or not, as the case may be. The furthest I got was 59 metres, perhaps it helps to be drunk when you play it.

I was tempted to refer to it as the 'Lucy Mail Simulator', given all her alcohol-fuelled antics over on Ramsgate Tourettes. But then I realised she hasn't got a beard.

Well, not as far as I know.

Turner Centre Required Massive Piles

More news about that Turnip Centre those chaps from the council wanted to erect in the, er, mud off the Arsonists' Playground.

According to Kent Online, who have managed to get hold of a copy of the report into the 'Turnip Offshore' debacle, the thing would have needed 45 metre piles just to avoid being blown over by a strong puff of wind!

Now I'm sure I could come up with a joke that involved the words 'wind', 'piles', and 'art'. But you'll have to pay me £8m first.

Crappy Christmas

I'm thinking of bringing out one of those cheap and cheerful Christmas books, so yesterday I had a shufti around W H Smith to get a feel for the competition.

I must say, I was shocked at the number of titles incorporating the S-word. In addition to the above work of literary genius, you could also fill your Auntie Doris's stocking with Old Shite's Almanac, I'm Dreaming Of A Shite Christmas, and How To Shit Around The World.

Assuming your Auntie Doris is compos mentis and hasn't done all the stocking filling herself, that is.

Des-olated

I'll have to call Jack Barclay again and cancel that Bentley order. I've just heard that Des O'Flipping Connor has pipped me to the post for Countdown. If I'd known they wanted another Des, I'd have changed my name to Des Res.

Property News

Yippee! My cliff top mansion has increased in value by 15%, and I've only been in Ramsgate a year! I think I'll re-mortgage and buy a Bentley!

Back In The U$$R

Yikes! I missed out on a bit of a treat in Amsterdam last month, The Millionaire Fair 2006.

One of my commentators, a Mr Milo Sovich, has pointed me in the direction of the Fair's website. Organised by Russkies, the blurb spells out who it's aimed at:

The target audience is consumers of the high-end luxury segment, VIP’s, the political, administrative, business and cultural elite.

Sounds like my kind of thing. What could I have seen there?

For four days all odors of luxury lifestyle was able to see and buy the best the international luxury industry has to offer.

All odors, eh? Well I'm a big cheese. But what I'm really after is a squire meter.

In compare with last year Millionaire Fair becomes twice bigger, as for quantity of participants as well for squire meters.

No worries on that score, then. Must book ahead for next year!

Eamonn Low

Look, I'm not normally one to gloat about a fellow celeb's bad luck, but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Remember I auditioned for a new game show back in March, The Rich List? Eventually I lost out to TBA Noel. Later, though, he said he was too busy shifting some boxes to take up the offer, and so it was passed to Eamonn Holmes.

Now the trade papers are reporting that The Rich List has been pulled by Fox in the US after just one show! That's a whole 60 minutes of US fame for our Eamonn! Eamonn's no Sherlock, I can tell you, but even he must be getting the message that he's not wanted.

Meanwhile, ABC have beamed up William Shatner for a new, blockbuster, primetime game show. I wish Bill the best of luck, you need a lot of bottle for these big money bunfights.

Hopefully, though, the captain's log has got a lot firmer since he did those All-Bran commercials.

Cigar Butts And Butt Cigars

Stuck here in my domicile at 'the edge of teh known world', I've been feeling increasingly less important. I suppose it would be different if I lived near a throbbing metropolis like, say, Birchington.

So to puff myself up a bit, I spent yesterday at the old pied-a-tèrre in Chelsea. It's just a small terrace on Cheyne Walk, nothing too flash. I've been renting it to a producer pal of mine, who made the odd bob or two out of some game show. Entangled in a few domestic difficulties recently (= ran off with the production co-ordinator), he needed a bolt hole.

He's moved out now, but cripes, the way he's left it! Beer bottles, old Havana cigars, and as for the state of the dunny. Well, I've heard of roll your own, but that's taking it a bit too far.

I'll have to call in those cleaning ladies from Channel 4.

Things That Go 'F' In The Night

You know me, I'm all for 24 hour cafe culture, but the number of times I'm woken up in the middle of the night by people shouting and swearing since the licensing laws were changed is definitely on the rise.

The last thing I want to know at four in the morning is that somebody's 'effing mother is effing pregnant again and in effing prison for effing knifing someone'. Really!

Bit Of A Fizzer

The Broadstairs fireworks display tonight was a bit of a fizzer. Not least because it's tomorrow night.

Like most of the large crowd standing around listlessly on Preacher's Knoll this evening, Angela and I had read in the local papers that tonight was the night.

A serious case of Boredstares all round.

EDF Off

Those garlic-munching muppéts at EDF blew another fuse this afternoon. Now I'll have to set the clock on the blinking Bang and Oluffsen.

It's sabotage, I tell you. They just can't bear the thought of Ramsgate being more chic than Cannes!

Apartment-heid

Flaming bungalows! That Gazunder reporter must be a rampant leftie or something! What does he mean, deriding our local planning department like that?

As one of the pillars of the regeneration community, I'll have you know that I've had many successful dealings with Plan-It Thanet.

They're especially good when it comes to understanding the needs of your average property developer, and helping out with all those awkward rules and regulations that seem to get in the way these days. Like having to incorporate a 'social housing' (yurgh!) element into your luxury block.

For example, I've got my eye on this little number in Cliftonville:


A snip at £5.6m. What do the agents say?

We our privileged to be offering this prime residential site for re-development. Located on the seafront in Cliftonville, Margate, where, the wider regeneration story is attracting extensive inward investment to the area.

Sounds great! Sea views, and there's planning permission to knock it all down and bung up 140 luxury apartments! But what about that troublesome 'social housing' (yurgh!) element? No worries:

The planning consent includes an approved 106 agreement, which confirms the social housing element of the consent as 19 apartments, which are all located off seafront position.

So the oiks have to sit in the cheap seats! Hurrah!

I expect those nice Paigle people who did up the Sea Bathing Hospital will get something like that written into their planning consent for the Lido.

And I have to applaud our glorious council leader Sandy Beach taking a firm stance, during his recent interview about Ramsgate's new Pleasurama development with BBC South East News. Asked whether it would include a social housing (yurgh!) element, his response was: 'We are building social housing, but not here.' At which point he gestured vaguely in the direction of Westwood.

Still, there are some nice views to be had at Westwood. I hear the sun setting over Wickes is very Turner-esque. Plus, if you get inspired, you don't have to go too far for the paint!

New Measures Ordered By Council Planning Chiefs

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Staff

Stationers and DIY stores across Thanet have reported a rush on rulers and tape measures after bungling council experts were fined for saying a three storey building would only be two storeys high.

The knob-knuckled bureaucrats have already been described as one of the worst planning departments in the country. Now they stand accused of not knowing their roof from their basement.

Other developments which are thought to have been affected by oversize oversights are:

• Pleasurama development. Planners say that the new, £200m development of 1400 luxury apartments and five luxury hotels will be no higher than the crumbling East Cliff, but a source told the Gazunder that he'd seen drawings which 'made the Empire State Building look like a kiosk'.

• Turner Centre. Far from coming 'onshore', according to the Gazunder's source plans drafted by the department show it covering much of the Thames Estuary.

• Dreamland. Again, our source says that the council's planners have included huge new rides and attractions to rival the likes of Disney World! Shurely shome mishtake - Ed.

Christmas - It's Great!

by Thanet SadScene staff

Yes, your super, soaraway SadScene's got everything wrapped up for Christmas in Thanet!!!

So if you're looking for great gift ideas, festive family fun, or something a bit different, we've saved you the bother of shopping around!

GET PLASTERED
Christmas is a time for inviting friends and family into your home. But they won't feel at ease if the plaster's hanging off the wall. Call Wantsum Walls on 01843 777777.

OLD BOILER
What could be worse than cold turkey on Christmas Day? And with the winter weather here, now's the time to service that old boiler in the kitchen. Call ThanetGas on 01843 888888.

DECKING THE HALLS
The holly's up, the Christmas lights are working, but there's something missing. A patio! No Yuletide is complete without one! Call Slab-O-Rama on 01843 999999.

HAIL TO THE BEEF!
Get your glad rags on for Christmas! Don't miss out on Asda's new range of snug fit, £5 leggings for the larger woman. George 'W-bush' range available at all local stores.

Are you sure about that last one? Ed.

Rocket Science

Angela calls to say she'll be down at the weekend, and would I like to go to a bonfire party?

"Of course," I say. "I like to let one off at least once a year."

"Where shall we go, then?"

Hmmm. Apparently she'd like me to take her to an organised display. Trouble is, being new to the area, I'm not sure which would be the best, and I don't fancy schlepping all the way to Edenbridge to see that portly chap from Channel 4 Racing fry.

Must do a bit of research. Where to start? What about the council website? Nope. Nada. Maybe fireworks and Uranus don't mix.

Noel Show

One thing I'm certainly not doing tonight is watching my old chum Sir Trev hand out those rather ornate ear trumpets at the National Television Awards on ITV1.

The show was taped last night, my ticket must have somehow been lost in the post. Good job too, as TBA Noel picked up a gong for Best Daytime TV Show, although he wasn't there to collect it personally (thus saving many of the audience from having to re-acquaint themselves with their dinners).

But I have made a date to watch Madonna's first BBC interview since adopting a child from Malawi on Newsnight later. I've seen the previews, and she seems to be hell-bent on parading her black roots. The state of her hair!