Sunday, February 26, 2006

Dream Scheme

More wailing and teeth-gnashing precipitated this week by news that the local council is to allow developers to concrete over Dreamland, the moribund amusement park on Margate seafront, over on the deeply unfashionable north side of the Ile de Thanet.

Currently well past its torch-by date, a few stalwarts have nevertheless banded together to save Dreamland, in the hope that it can be revitalised, much as Frankenstien's monster was, by a huge injection of something-or-other.

Meanwhile ASBO-wielding youths, Bryant and Mays at the ready, encircle the site, along with its 1,000,000,000 year old, listed wooden rollercoaster, ready to do the bidding of the first track-suited local property magnate to tip them the nod.

This all seems terribly backward. Instead of erecting yet another hotel/motel development for superannuated poodle-tuggers, why not go the whole hog, and turn the place into something that would really capture the imagination of the locals?

My proposal would be 'Arsonworld'. This would be a theme park loosely based on the film Westworld, starring the late, departed and dearly missed lovely Yul Brynner as an android who runs amuck, shooting the paying public who have come to re-enact the old, wild west.

The idea is simple. People would pay a small fee of, let's say, £30 to park their cars at the Dreamland site. They could then walk along the turd-strewn beach, enjoy a shopping trip to the local Poundstretcher, or savour a lard butty at one of Margate's trendy eateries.

Then, upon returning to their vehicle, they could enjoy the frisson of finding it burnt out.

Simple, exciting, money-spinning.

Fobbed Off

As someone who is at the forefront of promoting Ramsgate's new-found designation as the Millionaires' Playground, it once again falls upon me to berate the local media for their woeful lack of current news.

As I glance through this week's 'Adscene' before consigning it to its rightful place at the bottom of the kitty litter tray, I read:

1. A follow-up to the story about the Thanet man who wants to acquire the world's largest collection of key fobs (he now has a mind-boggling 969),

2. An advertisement for Christmas 2005 dinner dances at a local 'venue'.

One can only assume that these local 'news' papers must be run for the sole purpose of providing the many fish and chip vendors in the area with something to wrap their produce in.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Revved Up

Having been roused from my slumber several times during the wee, small hours by the slamming of doors, a cacophony of diesel engines spluttering into life and revving up, and general grunting noises that may have been sentient speech, but bore more of a resemblance to:

"Kin in the back, kin taters, kin bacon buttie, kin kuuuuun",

my attitude towards the army of builders, plumbers, electricians, and so on currently being employed by the millionaires of Ramsgate to renovate their listed Georgian and Regency properties is, unfortunately, hardening.

Hence I declare that from now until further notice, the entire area be re-named the Isle of Vanet.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Millionaire Spotting

Amazing! Just as I was penning the introduction to that last item, and staring aimlessly out of my study window awaiting inspiration for the next paragraph, along the street walked no less a personage than Sir Richard Branson!

Admittedly he seems to have adopted a slightly John Paul Getty reclusive look, judging by the dishevelled hat and waist length beard, and the fact that he was pausing to do up the string around the waist of his plastic trousers, but it was undoubtedly Sir Richard.

Conclusive proof that Ramsgate is 'virgin' on celebrity status!

Double Standards

Ramsgate in general, and the East Cliff in particular, are now looking the very epitome of a place where one could, at any moment, bump into the likes of Bill Gates, the Duke of Westminster, or one of those Swedish fellows who made a fortune out of ready meals.

This is thanks, in no small measure, to the heroic car crushing and rubbish removing efforts of our local councillor Dave Green.

Alas, however, his plan to replace the ghastly old lamp posts with gold-plated Victorian models has met with a hitch. It seems that the responsibility for this work has been contracted to the French company EDF, who, in a typically double-crossing Gallic plot to prevent Ramsgate from acquiring the same cache and appeal as Cannes or Deauville, have erected the new lamp standards, yet abandoned the old ones in situ beside them.

The result is the whole esplanade now looks like an advert for some shoddy lighting warehouse in Penge.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Green Machine

It's not often that we get a real life elected representative commenting on our humble musings, so I feel I really must go round Councillor Green's with a bottle of bubbly in order to thank him for his hard work in tracking down the plans for the second phase of the Granville Court development, here in the Millionaires' Playground.

He's also come up with details of how to join the local Residents' Association, is personally out there on the streets crushing untaxed cars every night, and has had all the horrible 60s street lights replaced with Victorian style lamps which are much more in keeping with the area.

Councillor Green, the millionaires of Ramsgate salute you!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Spring Clean 2

No sooner was I moaning about the state of Ramsgate and how it could do with a flick round with the duster, than up pops our local councillor Dave Green to tell me that he's organised the whole damn thing. Thousands of abandoned cars have been crushed in the last few days alone, apparently.

That just leaves the council tower blocks and several tons of offensive casual wear, then.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Spring Clean

As I prepare for my annual skiing trip to the Val d'Isere, I can't help noticing that Ramsgate could do with a spring clean. With many of the street lights not working, and those that do merely serving to highlight the rainbow sheen of old engine oil on the pavements, it's hardly looking like a Millionaires' Playground.

With that in mind, I have written to the borough council urging them to have a bit of an old tidy-up. Should be looking spic and span by the time I get back, especially if they take on board my suggestion to demolish the tower block that's simply ruining the view from the kitchen window.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Merde Il Pleut!

At last it's raining!

There's been a lot of gloomy talk recently about there being a drought here on the Ile, with some doom-mongers predicting that we'll be using stand pipes by the summer. That doesn't bother me, as I have an ample supply of Bollinger in the cellar to cope with all eventualities.

What is most pleasing, however, about the non-stop rain this morning is that it will have washed most of the barkers' nests off the pavement by the time I step out for my evening constitutional. There's always a silver lining!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Fossett Fcuks Up

Millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett has just landed - in Bournemouth!

I'm afraid he won't find many millionaires to play with there, only toothless old crones.

Looks like I'll have to drink all that champagne on my own. Useless tosser.

What the Papers Say

Glancing between the double glazing and conservatory ads in one of the 498 'newspapers' which are crammed through my letterbox every week, I notice that a Thanet man has set himself the mind-numbing challenge of building the world's largest collection of keyrings.

I can't help feeling that the local media has yet to cater for the type of people that Ramsgate is now attracting.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Fossett Gets It Up

At last! Millionaire Steve Fossett has finally got his private jet up in the air, and is six hours into his 26,000 mile flight from Florida to Ramsgate's International Airport.

The in-flight service, however, appears to be lacking something, since Steve is quoted as saying he will only be drinking milkshakes during his three-and-a-half day trip. No worries, Steve, the Dom Perignon's already on ice, and I'll stock up on some pork pies for when you land. Actually, the champagne's been on ice for quite a few days now, so I'll probably have to change the bucket.

Ike and Tina Turner Centre

News has finally filtered through to BBC South East news in Tunbridge Wells that there may be rather a large story happening way out east on the Ile de Thanet.

They have now dropped their previous lead story about a man from Faversham who has manufactured the world's largest pork sausage, and are running the Turner U-Turn at the top of their show.

Curses, though, on Councillor Sandy Beach, our glorious leader, who was interviewed on the programme. The Bela Lugosi lookalike wants to re-locate the gallery to a Margate car park. Surely, Sandy, Ramsgate would be the sensible choice?

So far neither of our local MPs, Sir Roger Wind and Stephen Ladyboy, have commented.

Twists and Turners

It's official! The Anthea Turner Centre is coming to Ramsgate, the Millionaires' Playground!

Kent County Council announced this morning that the latest estimate for building the flagship arts centre in the North Sea, somewhere off Arsongate, had jumped from £30m (up from £20m just a few months ago), to a whopping £50m. And the contractors could not guarantee that it would stop at that, or that the thing wouldn't float away and sink, taking a number of priceless paintings with it. A test pylon they implanted in the sea bed on the proposed site last year blew down within 24 hours, as did Margate Pier, which was in exactly the same spot, in 1979.

The decision has therefore been taken to relocate the centre, and, of course, Ramsgate, home of art-loving millionaires, is the obvious candidate. I shall telephone Elton with the good news immediately.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Worm Turners

News just in from my spies over in Margate, the Arsonists' Playground. Apparently there's to be an announcement about the Anthea Turner Centre tomorrow. Word has it that it is definitely being relocated from its current putative position somewhere in the Thames Estuary to a more suitable site on shore.

Hurrah! Sense has clearly prevailed, and we look forward to sipping our macchiatos among the Picassos here in Ramsgate.

Branson in a Pickle

Our local BBC news deviates today from its usual diet of marrow growing competitions, mass stabbings, and mass stabbings at marrow competitions. Interviewed live from Florida is none other than Sir Richard Branson, the world famous entrepreneur and millionaire.

Apparently Sir Branston was due to fly over to Ramsgate International Airport with millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett (see below). He's probably booked himself a cut and blow dry at Sweeney Todd's, next to the pie shop. They specialise in the 'older man verging on a pony tail' look, which appears to be de rigeur around here.

Anyhow, Sir Pickle was bemoaning the fact that Steve's private jet couldn't take off after all, due to it having a bit of a leak and the wrong kind of wind. Sounds like one of his trains.

Flying Down to Ramsgate 2

Latest news is that millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett is about to set off from Florida in his private jet to come and view some Georgian properties here in Ramsgate, the Millionaires' Playground.

Judging by the maps published in some of the papers, however, Steve doesn't have much of a sense of direction, as he appears to be taking a most circuitous route. Oh well, it's his jet, he can fly it wherever he wants, I suppose. The real story is that Steve is putting Ramsgate on the map, and I would be only too delighted to welcome him as a neighbour, so long as he's fairly quiet.

See you in the Ramsgate Casino, Steve!

Monday, February 06, 2006

PC Plod

My visit to the local 'cop shop' to report the damage to the TT confirms my suspicion that the local constabulary are not up to the task of patrolling a millionaires' playground.

"You know the likelihood of us finding the person who did this is very small, don't you?" mutters the officer in charge of stating the bleeding obvious, as I hand over my particulars.

Time to call in that nice Sir Ian Blair from the big city. He knows how to get tough on crime, and he's got the nostril hairs to prove it.

Crime Wave

Back from lunch at the local cafe, I notice some blighter has smashed into the TT, and duly buggered off without leaving their details.

I assume it was one of the hoards of white van men who swarm around the area, due to the amount of renovation work being done by millionaires like myself. But it could have been one of those gnarled old gippers that hoon around here, propelled by some sort of battery-powered undercarriage, much like that creature Davros who was supposed to have created the Daleks in Dr Who. I must say, there are thousands of them here, and you often see them spinning out of control due to the top half succumbing to a sudden stroke, or merely dozing off for its afternoon nap.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Dream On

A lot of kerfuffle in the Ile de Thanet Gazette today about what to do with Dreamland, Margate's seafront theme park, which has now become a bit of a nightmare.

The place has been left to rack and ruin over the past couple of decades, and now tracksuited teenagers are circling it like pyromaniacal sharks, matches at the ready.

According to an opinion poll, most people on the Ile want to turn it into 'somewhere for the bored youngsters to enjoy themselves inexpensively'.

In that case, I suggest all the council need do is fork out for a few gallons of petrol, and let the youth of Margate continue doing what it enjoys most!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Moving Experience

The local rag now says that Councillor Sandy Beach is thinking of building the Anthea Turner Centre somewhere else. From what I can gather, it was supposed to have been built floating in the sea off Margate, but now it seems he wants to park it on the foreshore somewhere.

Surely it wouldn't take much more effort to drag it across the Ile to Ramsgate? A much more appropriate location for a £300m cafe/arts establishment, surely?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Ramsgate to Rio

Everyone here seems very excited, the BBC has announced that there are to be more flights to more destinations from Ramsgate International Airport. So popping in for afternoon tea with Aunt Betty in the Ramblas will now be easy-peasy.

That reminds me, I must get the roof tiles looked at.