by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Political Editor Gerry Mander
Thanet is in the grip of Euro election fever! And with everything to play for, a host of eager candidates are pounding the doorsteps looking for your vote - and a ticket to ride the Brussels gravy train!
But who are they? What do they stand for? We've been to meet the area's election hopefuls...
President Jacques Chirac, 81 (UKIP). A surprising choice for UKIP, but Jacques doesn't see being French as a barrier to being elected on an anti-European ticket. 'I 'av retired from ze day job, and I need ze new challenge,' he told the Gazunder. 'Ze Sous East of Ongland is very close to France, I can be in my constituency at ze drop of ze chapeau.' And Jacques is promising to bring a taste of the continent to Thanet if he's elected. 'I will 'ave a stall in ze French markets selling ze pigs testicles. I 'ave ze stripey T shirt and everyzing!'Bill Watney, 34 (UKIP). Bill makes no bones about the love of his life - beer! 'It's chuffing lovely it is, magic, bloody magic. Bloody lovely,' he quipped. 'I love it, I really love it. Me? Can't get enough of it mate.' Asked about his position on drunken yobbery in the high streets at the weekends, Bill responded: 'Wankers the lot of them. I'd chuffing show them where to go. Soft as shite the lot of them. Wankers.'
Brittany Barker, 19 (UKIP). As if being a single mum to 33 little 'uns wasn't enough of a challenge, Brittany's now set her beady eyes on Europe. 'I'm fed up with Europe putting us single mums down,' she says. And she's got another bone to pick with the Eurocrats. 'Public lighting. There just aren't enough lamp posts.'
Barry Nutter, 62 (UKIP). Barry's claim to fame is that he once ate an entire suite of dining room furniture. 'I used to go in for these wacky eating competitions,' he told the Gazunder. 'I've also done a sofa, three armchairs and a bicycle.' He set up the Barry Nutter Party last year to highlight the derelict buildings in Cliftonville, but has since joined UKIP. 'There's an empty B&B in Dalby Square I've got my eye on. It should go down a treat with some HP Sauce!'
Wing Commander Professor Sir Rodney Joystick OBE, 87 (UKIP). Considered one of the UKIP 'new bloods', Sir Rodney was knighted for work on hush-hush government projects during WW2. Since then he's pursued a career in hairdressing. 'I've been persuaded to stand by fellow members of UKIP,' he says. 'Most of them are a lot older than me, and despite occasional help from their teenage Thai brides, they generally can't stand at all without the help of a Zimmer frame.' If elected, Sir Rodney has pledged to outlaw young people and nancy boys. (That's enough candidates - Ed.)