Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore Aaaarrrgghhh!

Phew! Now the swine flu's gone I've been able to toddle around the town again and enjoy the delights of the sea air accompanied by Test Match Special in my lugholes, courtesy of the iPhone. It doesn't get much better than that!

During my post-prandial on Saturday I clocked the parlous state of the Mayor's parlour, otherwise known as Albion House. Here are some piccies:


I'm told by regular contributor Millicent that green netting has since been erected over this balcony, presumably to prevent passers-by being bashed on the bonce by the crumbling concrete. Quite how such an historic building came to be in such a state beggars belief. I mean, didn't Queen Victoria herself hang her smalls out on those railings back in the day?

Anyway, minus the swine flu I'm firing on all one cylinder and can't wait to get my snout back in the trough again. As regular readers will know, I've always been a bit of a ham, so imagine my delight when I was approached this morning by the Harley Street Vasectomy Clinic to front up their latest video epic - A Snip At £900! I have, however, been assured that they'll be using a body double when it comes to the actual procedure!

Reports Of My Death...

..have been greatly exaggerated! Having passed a huge, burny, splitting stool earlier the runs seem to be on the run, and I'm back feeling my old self again! More soon!

In The Pink And Feeling Perky

Yes. Well. Thanks for all the messages of swine flu sympathy. My favourite so far being the above. The fever seems to be going down now, but, um, not the other thing. I'm beginning to suspect these Tamiflu tablets are hookie.

Anyhow, I'm now sitting up and joking with the nurses, which as we all know is tabloid code for 'He'll be worm food by the morning'. I'll keep you posted.

Don't Feel Well

Er, I don't feel well. *Spew*

Things Are Looking Up

Cripes! I didn't realise those Tamiflu tablets I got off the internet would have such, er, interesting side effects. Should have stocked the panic room with some lads mags methinks! Or one of these. At this rate I'm going to be up all night!

Dirty Rotten Swine Flu

Alas, dear reader, I appear to have succumbed to the lurgy. After a night of dyspepsia-induced tossing and turning, I awoke to find the Egyptian cotton sheets on my Comfilux bed here at the cliff top mansion awash with sweat.

In a moment of desperation during the small wee hours I called the NHS swine flu line, who were more of the opinion that my discomfort was due to making a pig of myself on a rather excellent vindaloo at a local curry house with some millionaire chums last night. And admittedly, I wasn't suffering from the blood under the skin, inability to breathe, drooling and fitting that they seemed to feel were important symptoms. But I'm taking no chances and have decided to seal myself in the filtered air environment of the Eastcliff panic room for the next few days. I have a plentiful supply of retroviral drugs prophylactically purchased from a Canadian supplier over the internet, and a freezer full of tasty Waitrose treats, so there's no need for any of you to offer to be my flu buddy, thanks all the same.

It'll also mean I won't have to suffer the ignominy of people around me shouting 'Oink!' every time I sneeze. 'Bless you' was so much more polite, I feel!