Swine Flu Fever Sweeps Isle

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Medical Editor Dr R. de Cocke

Swine flu fever is sweeping Thanet as more and more islanders panic about the pandemic that is predicted to kill up to half the world's population.

The QEQM hospital, local GP practices and pharmacies are on a high state of alert, with one Cliftonville pharmacist, who didn't want to be named, saying: 'We've stocked up on the anti-viral drug Tamiflu and now have more of that than we have methodone, which is a first.'

Sales of face masks at B&Q were also said to be up, and local shops report people stockpiling frozen chips and tinned Stella. 'We're down to our last case of 1664,' said one shopkeeper. 'We've ordered more from the wholesalers, but they're also short on supplies. It looks as if we'll be down to the White Lightning by tomorrow.'

Meanwhile the island's Chief Medical Adviser has warned people to be vigilant and report any unusual symptoms to their doctor. They include:

- Loss of appetite for burgers and kebabs
- Sudden urge to work
- Atypical use of consonants

One victim of the pandemic panic was last night recovering at Thanet Hospital. Celebrity millionaire Richard Eastcliff was said to be 'improving' after a fault occurred in the air filtration system of his fallout shelter in Ramsgate, rendering him unconscious. A spokesman for the hospital said he was now sitting up and joking with nurses. [He'll be dead by Thursday - Ed.]

Rent Boy

Although I'm well supplied here in the cliff top bunker for the essentials - tinned food, bottled water, chemical khazi etc - I'm a bit light on entertainment. All that's down here is a pile of old magazines and back issues of the local rags, awaiting recycling as liners for Bertie's litter tray.

I've been through a two foot pile of previously unread of PR Weeks and Televisuals, but there's only so many carefully posed photos of double-chinned PR execs with Osmondised teeth, and TV directors with that shrewdly creative look on their faces that they've been practising in front of the bathroom mirror since they were 12, that a man can take. So it's no wonder that this front page from a recent Isle of Thanet Gazunder leapt out at me.

'Breed Landlords - Save Money!' What a splendid idea! Once this crisis is over I'll need to repopulate the world and what better way than by breeding landlords!!! Of course, there'll be no Mexicans left, so Chihuahua landlords would be a no go. But there's no reason why I shouldn't breed miniature landlords or toy landlords. Think of all the rent I'll collect!!!!!! Hahahahaa!!!!

Hang on, I'm feeling a little queer. There seems... to be something wrong... with... the air filtration unit.... [Thud]

Keep Rubbing On The Oinkment

I'm in lock-down here at the old cliff top mansion, with my security consultant Fat Kev posted at the door under strict orders to turn away all visitors, and shoot any pigs or Mexicans on sight. I shall, of course, continue to post items from my hermetically sealed panic room.

As a precautionary measure, I also eschewed the BAFTAs last night not wishing to catch flu from the various showbiz swine on display. Good to see my old chum Harry Hill carrying off a gong though.

I thought it was bird flu we were meant to be panicking about. Now the pigs seem to have the upper hand. Which will win? I suppose there's only one way to find out...

A Shot In The Arm For Thanet

Reader Doc Atherton writes:

Hello sir! First off, as ever I'm enjoying the blog! And second, thanks for joining my Pierremont Pharmacy Group. It may be in Broadstairs but there's an East Cliffer at the helm!

Would it be possible for you to put something on your blog about flu? It's very sad but most GP's in Thanet will only give the flu jab to high risk patients and only after they've done them (and only if they have any vaccines left over) will they offer healthy patients the flu jab.

The thing is, it's the healthy people who get around more that carry the virus around with them and it's these people who get annoyed as they are the ones who usually end up with flu because they haven't been able to get a flu jab. So we are offering a Flu Clinic so these people can actually get one!

Now I know that we're in Broadstairs but we are an independent local business in Thanet up against people like Boots etc. Actually, I don't think Boots are offering the vaccine. There's only one independent pharmacy in Ramsgate (Newington) and they're not doing it.

I know a lot of people read your blog so it would be really nice if you could let the people of Thanet know that there IS something they can do about it. Also, as readers of ECR they can get 10% off the usual price of £14.99 by going to this link: http://www.pierremontpharmacy.com/OFFER.html

No Hacking Cough But Hacks Hacked Off

Whilst the Kent Messenger is shedding 10% of its workforce, plans are afoot at Gazunder owners Northcliffe Media to ensure their hacks will be the only ones left to report it when the end of the world finally arrives.

The Daily Mail owned group is offering all 17,000 employees free doses of the anti bird flu drug Tamiflu at a cost of £850,000, according to journo website Hold The Front Page. Ken Thompson, the group's Employment Director, has written to staff saying scientists believed a flu pandemic was 'inevitable' and would lead to 'significant and sustained disruption to our businesses'. He continues: 'The development of a vaccine to treat a pandemic virus cannot begin until there is an outbreak of the emerging strain. A vaccine would therefore not be available to the general population for six months after the start of the pandemic. Antiviral drugs such as Tamiflu provide an alternative to vaccines but will not provide immunity to influenza. They limit its effects and increase the chances of survival.'

Mr Thompson added that the UK government has been stockpiling Tamiflu but they only have sufficient supply to cover 25% of the population which includes all essential workers. He said the Daily Mail recognised the importance of its talented people and that it had taken the action in an attempt to protect all its employees from the threat of pandemic influenza. Workers' close friends and families will also be offered the drug.

How comforting to know that, come the pandemic, a small group of Daily Mail and Gazunder hacks will survive to re-populate Thanet and the rest of the UK!

Meanwhile I hear that not all the bunnies at Gazunder Towers are happy ones. With lovely editrix Rebecca Smith on six months maternity leave, her stand-in has not exactly been winning friends and influencing people, according to word reaching the old Eastcliff shell-like. The paper is already advertising for a news editor, and other scribblers are said to have the collywobbles following a vicious rumour that's spreading like bird flu that Rebecca is planning to make her absence permanent. However, I have it from a number of horses proverbials that as soon as her six months is up, the newsroom will again be resounding to the joy of Bex!