You're Torched!

Click here for full story on The Mirror website

RAF Cleared For Take-Off On Runway 2010

My spies at last night's well-attended kick-off meeting for the proposed Ramsgate Arts Festival tell me the decision was taken to postpone the inuagural shindig until next year, rather than attempt a crash landing this August.

Well, as it's going to be the bestest, loveliest arts fest in Thanet's bestest, loveliest town there's no point going off half cock, is there?

No Cuppa - And A Hippo In Your Toilet

Yikes! Is it any wonder our councillors are so foul-mouthed and ill-mannered? According to a report on the Gazunder website, kettles have been banned at TDC and now there are 'plans to put Hippos into councillors’ toilets'. Quite how they're meant to pass the steaming great lumps they regard as 'policy' with a two tonne artiodactyl occupying their privy seat, lord only knows!

Click here to read more on Gazunder website

Councillor In Need Of A Counsellor?

Like me, you must have wondered why Margate's putative arts emporium changed its name from the Turner Centre to 'Turner Contemporary' a while back. Go on, of course you did!

Well if you Google-ise Turner Centre the top spot is held by The Turner Centre... for Counselling and Psychotherapy! According to their website, the Colchester centre 'occupies a grade II listed building and is beautifully furnished to a high standard'. Among the therapeutic services they offer are counselling for anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I presume Margate's Turnip people decided on the name change to avoid any confusion, given that the sponds wasted on the gallery had already caused 'anxiety, depression and panic attacks' among the general, taxpaying public of Thanet.

The Turner Centre (Colchester) also offers help for 'anger and rage'. It strikes me that, given our Sandy's recent, er, carpeting by the Standards Comittee for his outburst at the Edinburgh Woollen Mills, and his previous for calling the Mayor of Margate a 'f*cking tosser', he might well be advised to check himself in for a session or two!

Click here to go to Turner Centre website

A Song For Thanet

With apologies to The Crystals

Ezekiel and Latchford coming down the street
They do run run run, they do run run
They've heard there's a petition that they gotta beat
They do run run run, they do run run
Yeah, it's in the Woollen Shop
Yeah, they gotta make it drop
And when they get inside
They do run run run, they do run run

Iris and the manager are having words
They don't run run run, they don't run run
They think the council's policy is for the birds
They don't run run run, they don't run run
Yeah, Sand and Rodge barge in
Yeah, they make a right old din
And when the petition drops
They do run run run, they do run run

Thom and Nick the hacks are looking quite aghast
They don't run run run, they don't run run
Sandy's misbehaviour isn't in the past
They don't run run run, they don't run run
Yeah, the standards chaps step in
Yeah, the Gruesome Twins can't win
And when it came to the crunch
They did run run run, they did run run

RAF Ready For Take-Off In Thanet!

Before all you planespotters out there start getting over-excited and fiddling with your joysticks, I'm talking about the first ever Ramsgate Arts Festival.

The delightful Harriet Jump-Jet (Now that's just silly - Ed.), co-proprietor of the island's premier restaurant here in the island's premier town, is planning the shindig for the end of August and has asked the island's premier blog to rally the troops. Or is that ground crew? Er, ahem, well anyway if you're interested in getting involved and demonstrating that Ramsgate still has a thriving arts scene, despite cynical attempts to syphon off all the money and resources to the seedy north side of the island, then get along to Age & Sons for 6.30pm this Tuesday 17 March. The meeting will be upstairs in the restaurant.

Click here for Age & Sons website

Nasty Complaints Procedure

I'm indebted to regular contributor Walter Mitty for highlighting an interesting snippet from last week's cabinet meeting at our beloved Thanet Council.

In between congratulating themselves on what a splendid job they're doing and scoffing all the buns, the Duffers debated a new policy on 'unreasonably persistent and/or vexatious complaints'. Now, of course, that all sounds incredibly worthy and dull, so let me paraphrase it for you. Basically it's an Anti-Whingers Charter. The upshot is, if you happen to get the hump about your street looking like the Gaza Strip and complain every week that it hasn't been swept, or if you think funds are being misappropriated and pop in a Freedom of Information request every other fortnight, you could now be put on a list and legitimately be ignored, or worse, deemed mentally ill.

Not, of course, that there's anything to complain about in the first place, I hasten to add! No, according to the latest Audit Commission report on TDC, which will be presented to the Uranians next week, they've been classified 'fair'. Which is, er, one up from 'weak' and two down from 'excellent'. The Audit Commission seemed particularly impressed by the claimed user satisfaction with Margate Gateway ('Library' in old money), which goes to prove the old adage that if you do the same survey in an infinite number of ways you're almost bound to end up with the results you want in the end.

The chaps from the commission also found 'improved satisfaction with street cleaning'. Really? Well here's something I found on Victoria Parade this afternoon which made me, and presumably the two coachloads of tourists who were parked up nearby, feel less than 'satisfied':

Narrowstairs

Having only recently made the Dickensians' teeny-tiny streets even teenier and tinier, from tomorrow Kent Highways will again be narrowing the arteries of Broadstairs, presumably in an attempt to ensure that nothing wider than Victoria Beckham can get through the town.

A year ago they put two proposals forward for public consultation, both of which were rejected. My spies with the curly moustaches and Victorian bathing costumes tell me that Kent County Council feel there were 'elements' of both proposals which 'some' people wanted, so that's what they're going to get. Even though the majority didn't particularly want any of it. Ah... Kentish democracy in action!

By tilting the old Eastcliff cranium 90 degrees, I was able to establish that the roadworks will be ongoing for xx 4 weeks. Just in time to bugger up Easter then! And if the time it took to improve Margate's Lower High Street is anything to go by, I should imagine it'll be buggering up Easter 2010 too!

Sandy's Thanet Diary

Only in your super, soaraway Eastcliff Richard! Each week top Thanet politician Sandy Beach gives us his insight into the island!!!

Bloody 'ell! The fuckin' Standards Committee 'as got me by the short an' bleedin' curlies!!!??? Fuckin' tossers!! An' there's me wiv a fuckin' yot an' five 'arses to support!!! Evvrywun's fucked off wiv me. All 'cos ov some fuckin' pertishun!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's all the fault ov them flamin' reporters. Tossers. Wankers. Fuckin' tossers!!!! I woz gonna giv 'em a job but they can stick it up their arses!!! In my face, yer friggin', whinin' bar stewards! In my chuffin' face!!!!

I say 'shut yer fuckin' pie holes yer leftie twats'. We owe it to the island's carpet shops to maxermise oppertunities an' 'elp acheeve our electers dreams an' asperations by 'andin' over their 'ard earned fer a luvvly bit of shagpile!!!!!??????!!!!!

That's enough diary - Ed.

Comically Relieved Of Sixty Quid

Eurgh! Just getting over last night's after party. Still, 'twas a memorable evening. Indeed the memory of accidentally walking in on Dawn French while she was changing will almost certainly haunt me for the rest of my life.

Thanks to everyone who commented for my very own Green Nose Day. We had a record 52 comments which, with regular reader Walter Mitty promising to bung me a fiver next week, makes a grand total of £57. I've rounded that up to £60 out of the goodness of my very own comedy heart. And with Gift Aid, that'll make £75, so well done everyone.

Well done too to reader Richard of Boredstares who claimed he'll be donating 150% of whatever I raised. All in all, not a bad night for the kiddies and starving millions. It makes you feel glad to be a celebrity!

Click here to donate to Comic Relief

Prince Charles To Back Dreamland Plans By Stiltwalking Across Car Park

More on page 5.

Other news:

Page 3 - some councillors are a bit naughty

Page 4 - Sandy declares historic zoo cages 'open for monkey business'

Page 7 - 130 year old Doris takes up pole dancing

Page 12 - youngsters hide hedgehogs for charity

Page 21 - fat birds get their kit off, plus all the other entertainment news around the island!

Green Nose Day

Recession? What recession? As I sit here awash with Canadian export dollars from my recent trip, my mind has naturally turned to what every good meedja type thinks of when they've got a bob or two - cocaine. No, no, er, no, that's not right, er I meant - chariddy.

Long term readers of this drivel will recall that I held a Green Nose Day back in 2007 to raise money for the last Red Nose Day. So before I'm whisked off in the stretched limo to slave my petooty off and hobknob with the fromage de la fromage of British comedy at TV Centre, I'm giving you an opportunity to lend your support.

Here's how it works. For every comment appended to this post today, I'll donate a gleaming new oncer to Comic Relief. So whaddya waiting for? Get commenting! And let's see if we can beat the 2007 total of 40 smackers!

Ferry Story

Holy hulls! BBC South East's Glenn Campbell has been investigating the ferry industry! The roving, rhinestone-clad reporter appears to have drawn a blank whilst trying to track down Euroferries, the new fast service that purports to be running from Ramsgate to Boulogne at the end of the month.

By the time he got to the Millionaires' Playground he'd certainly lost that loving feeling for the company, and the whole situation was far from gentle on his mind, given that there's no sign down at our lovely port of any new buildings or infrastructure. He then decamped to a sheltered accommodation flat in Kingston upon Thames which is apparently the registered office of Euroferries, before reminding us that they'd tried to set up once before in 2006 from Dover. That particular nautical venture came to nought.

Funniest of all was GC's interview with deputy duffer Rodge down at the port. Blustering his way past our intrepid's questions, his last word on the subject was that he didn't think Euroferries would be starting in March after all!

Click here to watch Inside Out on BBC iPlayer
Click here for Euroferries website
Click here for Euroferries story in Kent Messenger

No Happy Landings For BA At Manston

I'm afraid the jet lag got me there for a bit... and I was having a lovely dream that British Airways World Cargo had decided against flying their crappy 747s over my lovely cliff top mansion all day and night!

Must have been the flight from Canada... but no, hang on, what's this headline in Thanet Extra? 'Blow for Chas 'n' Dave International as BA Cargo stays at Stansted'? Surely it can't be? I must still be dreaming!

Now regular readers will know that I'm not one to crow every time I'm proved right, which is nonetheless frequent and often. But I did say months ago that Manston was just being used by BA to get a better deal at Stansted, end of. I know these airline Johnnies quite well, and they'll try any shonky manoeuvre to rinse the last red cent out of their existing suppliers.

What this whole sorry episode does demonstrate, however, is the willingness of our supine council to lick any squillionaire's, er, rusty sherriff's badge until it's white as a soda cracker. When one of the island's top restaurants wanted planning permission to set up here it took them three months. Now it attracts hundreds of visitors to the island every week. Contrast that with the fact that TDC were rimming BA's ringpiece in less time than it takes to say 'KY or Vaseline, Sir?' And cargo 747s? Well, you might get a few planespotters parked up in their P reg Peugeots over at the airport of a Sunday, but they'd almost certainly bring their own soggy egg sarnies in a Tupperware box!

Click here to read full story in Thanet Extra

From Newfoundland To Poundland

I'm indebted to my regular correspondent Mr Dickens of Broadstairs for suggesting the headline for this item. Yes indeed, dear reader, I have drunk Canada dry and have now staggered back onto Thanetian soil!

I must say, I was expecting to see bunting and the massed bands of the 1st Thanetian Sea Scouts. But it appears my return has gone unremarked and uncelebrated. However, I've turned comments back on so you can send your messages of goodwill and congratulations. Along, no doubt, with the occasional 'prick', 'c*nt' and 'paedo'!

Posted from Ramsgate via Royal Mail

Dreamland? Dream On!

I can't tell you how much I'm dreading this flight back to Blighty later. Not that I'm a bad flyer, you understand. No. It's because our Production Manager has booked us on the awful British Airways. Economy.

It may just be me, but I generally find BA high-handed, patronising and mumsy. And that's just the senior management I've worked with! OK, OK, the check-in chicks and trolley dollies try their best most of the time, and first class is usually acceptable. But if ever there was an airline that needed to buy into the dictum that the customer is always right (apart from during emergencies, granted - of which they seem to have a few) it's our national flag carrier.

Any-old-how, I've been using these last couple of hours to catch up on Thanet news, and I see there have been further developments in the plan to place knackered old heritage rides on the Dreamland site over in the Arsonists' Playground. According to the BBC News website, plans for the 'thrilling theme park from the past' will go on show on Sunday. I don't know about you, but there's something about the phrase 'thrilling theme park from the past' that doesn't quite get my pulse racing, or my boat floating, if you catch my drift.

Ah well, I expect things will look a lot different once I've touched back down on Duffer Island tomorrow. No, really, things will look different, won't they? Please God, tell me they will!

Posted from Montreal via iPhone

Tories To Turn The Lights Out

Vive la difference! The team and I have now washed up in Quebec City... and I must say it's a place I could learn to like if I wasn't being accompanied by a knob of a director, a neurotic production co-ordinator, a dyslexic presenter and a camera crew whose brains appear to be primarily located in the trouser area. Hey-ho.

Still, a big, ECR 'mwah!' to everyone back on the Ile de Thanet for keeping me in touch via email. This latest missive from reader Carol seems to prove once again that the Ruddy-Faced Man in charge of Kent County Council has a limited knowledge of geography east of the Medway:

Hi ECR!

Hope you are enjoying your trip around Canada. I was watching the local BBC News at lunchtime when your favourite Tory politician Paul Carter was on talking about his plan to turn out the street lights at night around the county to save money.

As an example of where this ridiculous plan might be implemented he mentioned the Thanet Way which he said went from 'Whitstable to the airport at Manston'. Talk about a one track mind. Does he not realise there are 130,000 people living in Margate, Ramsgate and Broadstairs and only about 100 people connected to his hobby-horse airport?

I often have to come back from town at night and personally think this crackpot idea would be exceedingly dangerous.

Well Carol, I think I'd have to agree with you there. But after January's serious accident on the A299, which appeared to have been caused by KCC failing to grit the road, do you honestly imagine the Tories in Maidstone give a tuppenny stuff about anyone in the tip of Kent?

Posted from Quebec via iPhone

Cold Wind And Hot Air

Holy cajones! They didn't stint on the old whatsits when they erected this magnificent statue here in Moose Jaw, did they?

I've just popped in to say a cheery 'What ho!' after a gruelling day's filming in the wilds of the Canadian north yesterday. We're on a day off, and blimey it's cold! I've also had time to do a spot of poo-jabbing around the Thanet blog scene and oh dear oh dear oh dear... things really have gone pear-shaped without the rapier wit of yours truly, haven't they?

First off, I see that Councillor Unemployed from Newington has me down as 'working the clapperboard on some obscure travel show for an even more obscure cable TV company'. Hmm. Well if you must know, CU, I'm producing this epic under the auspices of my own production company, and earning some much-needed export dollars off the Canadian Tourist Board to boot! What are you doing to haul the UK economy off its arse, eh? Gone on, tell me, I'm all ears... go on... toddling back and forth to the Jobcentre is it?

And secondly it seems as if BigNews Margate has found a new boyfriend in the Kiwi boss of Chas 'n' Dave International Airport, Matt Clarke. The simpering tone of his report on Clarke's lecture last night at Canterbury Christ Church Uni had me reaching for the sick bag, in much the same way as the footage of Our Gordon Master cosying up to Prez O'Bama did earlier in the week. I can just imagine Tony sitting there with that same, sycophantic gaze of admiration. Only it would be twice as nauseating, given that Tony would presumably have had two doe eyes, whereas Gordon can only manage the one. Our Tone used to be an opponent of unfettered, unmonitored, unregulated foreign conglomerates riding roughshod over UK citizens, but one look at Matt's baby blues appears to have turned him weak at the knees.

Still, it's not all bad news. I see the new fast ferry service to Boulougne will be starting at the end of the month, once again cementing Ramsgate as the island's premier town. And presumably it'll be generating real jobs for Thanetians, not the pie-in-the-sky ones Matt Clarke's so fond of promising!

Posted from Moose Jaw via iPhone

Ant-Sized Dick

The director I'm working with out here in Cana-da-da-da appears to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He'd been hoping to pitch a new game show to ITV, but feels that today's announcement of £3,000,000,000,000,000 losses and squillions of redundancies has put the tin hat on it. Consequently he's tailspinned into a terminal decline.

Personally I have to agree with my fellow Thanetian Adem. I can't remember the last time I tuned in to ITV. The news is shite, Corrie's crap, and the entertainment programmes appear to consist mostly of Z list celebrities falling on their arses. And then there's Ant and Dec (shudder). I should imagine ITV's audience profile goes something like this:

50% - Old gippers staring aimlessly at the 21 inch Bush in the corner of the day room at their residential home
49% - Crack addicts who've lost the remote down the back of their Argos sofa
1% - Quadriplegics whose mouthpieces have fallen out.

The only glimmer of hope for Michael Grade and his cohorts is my old showbiz chum Harry Hill. I shall be emailing Mike forthwith to suggest that Harry presents News at Ten and plays all the parts in Coronation Street and Emmerdale, starting first thing Monday.

Posted from Vancouver via iPhone

You Can't Get Rid Of Me That Easily!

Even out here in the rugged Canadian wilderness (Vancouver), word has reached me that the professional propaganda peddlers who work for Chas 'n' Dave International Airport are rejoicing at my absence.

Maxim PR are apparently cock-a-hoop that yours truly has exited the building/island/county/country. The Tunbridge Wells firm (no chance of being buzzed by a knackered old jumbo there) will presumably now be inviting Cllr/Dr Biggles, BigBoy Margate and all the other drooling planespotters who think an airport the size of Stansted in Ramsgate's back yard is a bright idea to one of those slap-up PR lunches in celebration! Judging by their client list, though, Biggles, BigBoy et al will have already paid for the lunch in spades, given the amount of public tit-sucking Maxim indulge in.

Still, if they think I've disappeared for good, they don't know me very well, do they!?!??!

Posted from Vancouver via iPhone

Past My Own Sell By Date

Yes ECR fans, as the late, great, dearly departed Eric Idle once wrote: 'My old knees have started to knock, I've just got too many miles on the clock.'

So with 1,132,324 visits on that clock, no, wait, er, 1,132,325... 1,132,326... oh well, you get the picture... what I'm trying to say is I have my retirement speech here. No, well, it was here, um... oh yes:

'It's been a great privilege to serve the people of Thanet for more than three years.... blah blah... it's been a rollercoaster ride but now it's burnt down... blah... can't get rid of me that easily... etc etc.'

Now it could be that recent bouts of the Delhi jip, combined with prolonged welfare sponging/axe grinding (©2007 Dr Simon Moores) have just worn me down, and what I really need is a rest. This happens to most bloggers sooner or later, and it's happened to me more times than I care to mention. Once my holiday tokens have come through from the JobCentre (Plus!) and I've had a couple of exhilarating weeks at the Derbyshire Miners' Holiday Camp in Skegness, I may be right as rain. But at the moment I can't see any future for a blog that takes the piss out of people who seem have forgotten that they live in a quiet corner of Kent and not Number bleedin' 10 Downing Street!

So, AMF as my American producer used to say! Or is it au revoir?

Update: Thanks to the literally hundreds of emails of support, I've had a slight change of heart and opened this site back up to public viewing. I shan't be posting, but at least you'll have the opportunity to search it using the facility in the top left hand corner. As the most talented person ever to have set foot in Thanet, I at least owe you the opportunity to read the best written and best informed blog the island has ever seen. A member of staff at the cliff top mansion will update the sidebar, and there'll still be short snippets and goss on Facebook and Twitter.

Heritage Schmeritage

Photo: Margate Architecture

Those of you who've been following me on Twatter will know that I've been laid low with the lurgy yet again. Must be something in the Thanet water.

However, I'm still dragging myself to the computer at least once a day to bring you the latest news nibbles and frankly yes I do deserve at least a medal if not a flaming knighthood. Through the paracetamol haze, I see the excellent Margate Architecture blog is reporting yet more unauthorised destruction of Thanet heritage by a cowboy developer. The historic buildings in Reeves Yard, owned by local estate agent Roger Crittenden and the oldest industrial buildings in Margate, have been demolished without so much as a 'by your leave'. Quite how our beloved council let's people get away with this type of behaviour is beyond me. One can only imagine it's down to gross incompetence, or brown envelopes stuffed full of fifties changing hands.

Today's news is reminiscent of the way the Marina Restaurant met its maker here on Ramsgate front. On which topic, my spies tell me that the owners now have until the end of November to restore the building otherwise it'll be compulsorily purchased by TDC. A new design for the extension has been submitted which is much more in keeping with the building's Grade II listed status (see below), but it has yet to go before the planning committee. Why is it that I get the feeling it'll still be a pile of rubble in twenty years time?

Click here to go to UK Planning website (application L/TH/09/0052)

Arson About

Not for nothing is the seedy north of the island dubbed the 'Arsonists' Playground'. According to the BBC News website, Foreness Water Ski Club in Palm Bay has received a visit from the chaps in the Swan Vesta sponsored tracksuits, and may now have to be demolished.

As ever, Kent's finest are on the case. And as ever, that's probably the last we'll hear about it.

Click here to read full story on BBC News website
Click here for picture on Thanet Extra website

Recession? What Recession?

Although I'm perfectly happy with the old Toyota Priapus, I'm always on the lookout for a motoring bargain. And let's face it, there are plenty of cars which do better on the mpg than the Toyota these days.

Which is why I was pootling around the interfrangle just now, scanning the motors on the Teletext site. I must say, I was surprised to see our local Invicta asking 48 big ones for a Ford Ka. Haven't they heard there's a credit crunch on?

Tim For A Change?

Photo: yourthanet

So Tim Garbutt, Ramsgate ad man and restaurateur, has declared himself the 'Green Independent' parliamentary candidate for South Thanet. As such he'll be up against Dr Steve Ladyman MP (Lab), Laura Sandys (Con), Gerry O'Donnell (People First), Uncle Tom Cobbly (Lugworm Diggers First), Anne All (Ice Cream Sellers First, Poodle Trimmers Second, Window Cleaners Third, 7/2 bar) and... er... Not that the general election has even been called yet, you understand.

Anyhoo, Tim's policies include closing Chas 'n' Dave International Airport and sealing it off with a police guard, seizing Infartil's assets, and withdrawing airport boss, Kiwi Matt Clarke's passport pending a police statement from him on alleged pollution breaches. Oh, and he'll sack Sandy and Deputy Rodge, TDC Chief Exec Richard Samuel and planning boss Brian White.

Well, although it might all sound a bit OTT, I'm surprised to find myself in total agreement with Tim's policies! Right, must dash now. There's a couple of baskets left to weave, and it's been ages since I watered the brains!

Click here to read Tim Garbutt's manifesto

All At Sea

Following my recent item about the RNLI, reader Michael writes:

Interesting bit of film you posted about the rough seas and the old cruise ship. Seeing as you are in nautical frame of mind here is a still photo from January 26th this year of Fred Olsen's Balmoral (ex Norwegian Crown) which sails from Dover and Southampton pitching alarmingly in the Bay of Biscay rather perilously close to land. This was just one incident out of many in a few hours of rough weather and possibly poor seamanship.

Yes it did come up again but cut short the cruise and returned to Dover with a few injured passengers and some damage.

I don't know if I am your furthest away regular reader but it's great to be able to keep in touch with all the wonderful things happening on the Plannit Fannit while I suffer here in Florida in sunny 75 degree temperatures and limited to two pina coladas per hour by a cruel mistress.

Hmm. I wonder if Michael is indeed my furthest flung follower? No, probably not. Stephen Broadhurst, the Blue Rinse councillor for Dane Valley, lives in Panama and phones his votes in, I seem to recall. He's bound to be an avid reader!

Click here to read about 'nightmare' cruise on BBC News website

Côte De Rubble

The observant among you will have clocked the new ticker in my sidebar on the right, counting up the number of days since Isle of Man based Auclair Properties gave the listed Marina Restaurant on Ramsgate front a right old, er, developing. It's now been 380 days, 21 hours, 28 minutes and 32, no, 33, no 34... oh you get the picture, since we were promised it would be restored to its former glory. Personally I think it should stay as it is, since it makes a fine addition to the tourist attractions down there, viz:

- Lido turned into car park with EU money
- Decade long eyesore that was Pleasurama
- Deserted casino
- Festering Motor Museum
- Smoothie hut

Auclair have submitted plans for rebuilding the joint, albeit with what Prince Jug Ears would describe as a 'monstrous carbuncle' of a modern annex on the side, but this was rejected by the planning department. There's been a meeting this evening about the Marina Restaurant, and TDC's proposed sale of the Maritime Museum and Albion House, so we should hear more on the morrow.

Meanwhile it's not all destruction and desolation here in the Cannes of Kent. Regular contributor Millicent has sent me this photo of a new, Unidentified Frame-like Object that's appeared on the Rec. Apparently it's going to be an indoor basketball court when they get around to finishing it!

The G Of The Bang

Regular readers will know that I often cavort with the salty seamen down on our lovely Royal Harbour here in the Millionaires' Playground. In fact I can be spied most weekends, tooling around the marina in my brass-buttoned blazer, captain's cap and deck shoes, sporting, of course, the old Rolex Oyster (Whitstable Edition). It's on these occasions that I often get a nibble on a tasty titbit or two.

And this weekend was no different. One of those lifeboat chaps told me that the maroon has finally gone up for good, and there'll be no more banging to let us know when the brave RNLI types are on a shout. If you recall, the maroons were banned a while back for health and safety reasons. But then they were reinstated locally on appeal. Until such time as the stocks ran out. Which they now have, as Pains Wessex apparently no longer make them. 'It's all done by pager now,' moaned the morose, de-marooned matelot. 'Which is a shame as we come tearing along Military Road, but of course the town hasn't had a warning that there's an emergency'.

Fortunately, the RNLI have developed a 'desktop pager' which you can download for your PC or Mac here. While you're at it you can also make a donation to the guys in orange and blue, if you're feeling generous. Meanwhile if you want to know what a heavy sea looks like, I recommend you take a gawp at this cruise liner on BoobTube, narrowly avoiding a recreation of The Poseidon Adventure:

Rivers Of Latte

Isle of Thanet Gazunder Leader Comment

Rich people from up there in London are beginning to talk about the isle as 'the new Monaco' or 'the new Marbella', following high profile features on national TV and in national newspapers.

Many are packing their YSL suiters, jumping in their Bentleys, and making their homes in Ramsgate and Broadstairs (what about Margate? - Ed.)

But how long will they stay, once they really get to know the island? Where will they get a decent latte? Where will they send little Nathaniel and Saskia to school? Where will they get their Porsche Cayennes serviced? And do they really want their carpaccio garnished with the fumes from a low flying 747?

There is still a long way to go before Thanet becomes Notting-Hill-on-Sea. But if our leaders and business people fail to rise to the challenge, we may, before too long, witness the sorry sight of burnt out Ferraris at Westwood Cross, and rioting ABC1s torching the local chippy.

Tony Flaig - An Apology

Tony Flaig, the author of Margate's premier blog, seems to have taken some comments I made about him to heart. They were meant in the spirit of jocular banter, but I guess tempers were rather frayed yesterday, and I have today received a personal email from him detailing my failings and culminating in the word 'Prick'.

It was never my intention to alienate Tony, or disparage his good name. He and I agree on many things. However, the airport is not one of them. I take it rather personally when the council votes to build an overhead motorway for 24/7 747s above my house without so much as a 'by your leave'. Tony, who lives in Margate, seems to think it's a good idea and that I should move to Poole.

I have now personally apologised twice to Tony, and removed any offending remarks from his 'ECR Censorship' post. I do happen to think it rather rude to post comments in capital letters, which is why I deleted his initial remark about the airport on this blog. He is not banned from commenting on this blog generally.

I wish to make it clear that I generally rate Tony's views. Just not on the airport.

Finally, for those of you who were expecting Sister Assumpta to return to your screen today, I'm afraid she's been called away urgently to cap an oil well in the Ukraine. Which is to say, I'm really not in the mood.

Good News!

Hurrah! Having had a quick chat with my local diminutive developer this morning, I'm told that my cliff top mansion could be a, er, hot property if marketed as a potential cannabis factory, or converted into ten bedsits for crystal meth crazed, swivel eyed, Stella swigging knuckle-shufflers! Kushti!

Just for the record, I suppose I should post the results of my Big Manston Poll. After an all time high of 254 votes, the results were:

Question: Do you support the proposed extension of night flying over Ramsgate?

No: 51% (132 votes)
Yes: 48% (122 votes)

As a postscript, I must say I find it a rather unfortunate irony that just a few days after Councillor/Doctor Simon Moores, our beloved council's aviation 'expert', wrote this...

The safety record of modern aircraft, certified to operate in the UK, is remarkably good and should hardly give cause for deep concern at Ramsgate... In fact, last month's 'Miracle in the Hudson', should illustrate this quite well, what can be done with a large passenger aircraft when the engines are suddenly shut down after departure, the most safety critical time of the flight.

...a plane plummets into a densely populated suburb in New York state on its approach to Buffalo airport. Hmm, yes Simon. I'll sleep much more soundly in my bed when it's relocated back in London!

Click here to read plane crash story on BBC News website

Will The Last Person To Leave Ramsgate Please Turn Out The Lights?

According to Thanet's 'Popular But Beseiged™' weblog, the council have passed the night flight extension. I can't quite see how it's 'one small step for Infratil perhaps but one giant leap for Manston', as Dr Moores puts it. Or that 'laying aside the inconvenience and noise of 'out-of-hours' flights, this may represent one of the biggest opportunities for Thanet in a long time' is either justification, or, indeed, an accurate prediction of the outcome. Click here to read on.

What they have just done, in fact, is sign the death warrant for Ramsgate.

Any road, I expect I'll get the usual tirade of abuse for daring to speak the unspeakable. I'm off to bed to get some kip in while it's still possible! Tomorrow morning I'll be straight round the estate agents.

Click here for full report of council meeting on Cllr Nottingham's blog
Click here for full report on Stop Manston Expansion Group blog
Click here to read the selfish view from unaffected Margate
Click here for story on BBC News website

Manston Pickle

Apologies for the lacuna, but the Freeview SuperRoulette channel called me in to do a couple of overnight stints at the last minute. Well, you've got to pay the lecky bill somehow!

With just a couple of hours to go in my Big Manston Poll, it seems the Wantsum Want-Nots have carried the day ahead of tonight's council meeting. Unless there's a last minute surge from the Wants. So that's a slightly underwhelming 'No' to BA World Cargo's arm-twisting tactics to get night flying extended over the Millionaires' Playground.

Still, if I was a local MP or councillor with a marginal seat, I'd be worried by even a few percentage points one way or t'other, wouldn't you?

Meanwhile I see the chairman of the Chas'n'Dave International Airport Consultative Committee has come out in favour of more time to think about BA World Cargo's proposals. Click here to read his letter on Councillor Nottingham's blog. Interestingly, I see Cllr N has just changed the headline of that story from 'Manston - How To Bounce People' to the rather more anodyne 'Manston - A Late Submission'. I wonder why?

Poll Chance

And just for balance (Tony), here's another picture of a plane. The Wantsum Want-nots are currently ahead, I see!

Four Legs Bad

What more appropriate symbol for a county led by old skool Tory duffers and self-serving stuffed shirts than this £2m 'Donkey of the South', unveiled today! Standing 5000 metres tall, this, er, artwork will greet drivers on the A2 just as they enter the Patio of England.

One consolation is that it surely won't be long before some Kentish wag dumps a 400 ton pile of horse manure at the arse end, and chops its moon-sized knackers off with a chainsaw. Still, at least there was a Margate angle - our very own, lovely Victoria Pomery was chair of the judges that chose it. Although some critics might argue she's already done enough to redistribute your taxpayers' wonga by curating that future white elephant at this end of the county - the Turnip Centre!

Click here to read full story on BBC News website

Enormous Poll Still Up

Er, nothing more to say really. This one's just for you, Tony!

Have A Go On My Enormous Poll

With two days left still to vote, my airport poll has already smashed previous records! 133 of you have voted so far, and it's neck and neck, demonstrating that there really is a rift between the Wantsum wants and want-nots.

Voting is totally anonymous, so come on, whaddya waiting for?!?!?

Jazz Festival Goes West

Cripes! Those rotters over on the West Cliff have nicked our jazz festival! The swinging sensation has been held at our very own super-duper, out of this world East Cliff bandstand here in the Millionaires' Playground for the past two years. This year, though, it'll be held in Spencer Square, which as we all know is a den of iniquity inhabited only by a few seedy barrister, journo and City slicker types. Kuh!

Mind you, I must say that, given the icy force 10 blasts that blow across our once-crumbling cliff here in the east, the most appropriate kind of wind instrument is not so much a clarinet as an anemometer. And considering that the biggest part of last year's audience was probably one man and his poodle 70 miles away in Belgium, you can't really blame them, can you?

Why An Aeroplane Could Never Crash On Your House

Wing Commander Jimmy Joystick, Tory member for Buftingtontuftington ward, explains why modern aircraft never crash.

Many people have asked me recently: With all this talk of expanding our local airport, could an aeroplane crash on my house? I must say, this question really does make me laugh. What these poor blighters do not understand is that aeroplane technology has come on by leaps and bounds since the days Chalkie, Ginge and I were forever pranging our kites and bailing out over the briny in World War 1.

Nowadays, with all the modern flying aids at our disposal, it is unheard of for anything ever to go wrong. With literally 100,000,000 aeroplanes flying over our heads every hour, not a single one has crashed to my knowledge, so there is no need for any concern. Pilots these days receive much more training and are told that, when approaching an airport, they should be on a 'flight path' that enables them to 'touch down' on the 'runway' rather than crashing in Mr Jones's cabbage patch, which might have been acceptable in my day!

This new technology is beamed directly into the pilot's brain, enabling him to concentrate entirely on the task in hand without being distracted by such thoughts as what colour knickers the stewardess is wearing, or whether he would prefer a gin and tonic or scotch and soda upon arrival.

That's enough flying news - Ed.

Nightmare On Wellington Crescent

Here's what a British Airways World Cargo 747 would sound like going over Ramsgate. I shot this bit of tape during the training flight, er, nightmare of 2007, in daylight hours. So you'll just have to imagine what effect it would have on you while you're snuggled up in your luxury, Hungarian goosedown doona. And no, I haven't doctored the sound track one iota.

Once you've had a peek at that, do take a moment to vote in my latest poll in the sidebar on the right. It's timed to end on Thursday, while the chaps at our beloved council are meeting to rubber stamp debate the proposed extension to night flying. Sweet dreams!

Stats The Way To Do It

Crumbs! Visitor numbers seem to be soaring here on the island's premier blog! Must be all the controversy over night flights at Chas'n'Dave International Airport. The graph shows the daily stats from my county-uppy-ometer as they stood first thing this morning. Yesterday, 5 Feb, I almost topped 1000!

Still, drilling down (as they say), at least some people out there are embracing the news that an expanded C'n'DIA will create local jobs:

And talking of expansion, KCC seem to be well on the way to achieving their masterplan for world domination!

Shit Sandwich

Before I toddle off and crack open my last magnum of Pétrus 1961, I thought it fair to warn you that if you're planning to go to Sandwich over the weekend, or indeed any weekend between now and November, my advice is don't bother.

Tucked away on page 39 of last week's Gazunder was this ad, detailing plans to spend the next 45 weekends or so digging up the A256.

It's all in a good cause, though. Well, they've got to get the juice from the fart farm into Richborough somehow!

Click on image to enlarge
Click here to go to Thanet Offshore Wind website

Pilot Hits Buoy

On my afternoon stroll around our lovely Royal Harbour here in the Millionaires' Playground, I witnessed some salty seafaring types hoisting one of those channel buoys out of the water.

Being the nosey sort who likes a good earwig, I meandered around in circles for a bit trying to catch their drift. Here's the upshot:

Matelot 1: What 'appened 'ere then Dave?
Matelot 2: The pilot boat 'it it, didden it.

Now call me old fashioned, but I thought the pilots were supposed to be the experts at not hitting things out on the briny, let alone their own deep sea channel markers!

Click here for more on ShipSpotter.co.uk (4.2.09 post)

Tell Laura I Love Her!

Ding dong! Piloting the old Toyota Priapus to the Smoke (Margate) last night, a vision of loveliness appeared to me out of the gloom! I'm talking about the new posters that are springing up all over the island for the Tories' South Thanet candidate, the lovely Laura Sandys.

Much like that road to Damascus thing in the bible, it was a revelation. So much so, that I only narrowly avoided careering off the highway and ending up in the ditch, thus emulating the only other tale I know from the good book, that good Samaritan thing.

I don't care if she hasn't got planning permission for the posters. I don't care if she espouses environmental issues whilst supporting the expansion of Chas'n'Dave International Airport. I don't care if she's already got a husband called Randy. This is one Blue Rinse babe that gets my vote! I'd be happy to take her on a 'night flight' any time, if you catch my drift!

Click here to read more on yourfannitinnit website

BREAKING NEWS - Council Set To Green Light Night Flights

This just in from Thanet Extra:

Controversial plans for even more night flights above Thanet are being considered. The shock proposals, which could become a reality as early as this May, would see dozens more flights into Kent International Airport every month.

The first planes would take off or land at Manston from 6am and would operate until 11.30pm.

Click here to read on
Click here for follow-up story on Thanet Extra

Batman Goes Bats

Like most showbiz luvvies, I have to admit to having had the odd hissy fit on set. But this four minute outburst by Batman actor Christian Bale takes the biscuit! Bale was filming as John Connor in the latest Terminator movie, Terminator Salvation, when the director of photography crossed his eyeline during an emotive scene, darling.

Warner Bros sent this audio tape to their insurers, just in case Bale, er, bailed out. Listen out for the not-so-winsome Welshman's LA drawl reverting to something more akin to Tom Jones as he gets increasingly wound up! (WARNING: contains very strong language):

One In The Eye For KCC

Cripes! I see my old chum Lord Gnome has published a piece about Kent TV's rather ham-fisted attempts at silencing Tony Flaig of Bignews Margate fame! The article, in the 'Rotten Boroughs' section of this week's Private Eye, begins:

FOCKING KENT

KENT county council’s bold experiment in being the first local authority to run its own internet TV station has not been universally welcomed in the Garden of England. Or universally watched, for that matter.

One man of Kent who thought he had a democratic right to criticise the use to which his council tax was put got a shock when he did so. Bob Geldof’s production company Ten Alps, which makes Kent TV, threatened him with m’learned friends for having the temerity to say he didn’t think it was up to much.

Margate blogger Tony Flaig had been a regular critic of KTV. Not only did he describe the £1.6m spent on the channel - launched in September 2007 by Nigel Dacre, brother of the Daily Mail’s Paul - as 'Kent’s most contentious waste of money' but he also claimed that it devoted too much time to interviews with members of the ruling Tory party.

Although Mr Flaig wasn’t glued to KTV, they were paying close attention to his blog. He received a pompous letter from Jo Phillips, 'director of communications' for Ten Alps, claiming he had made 'inappropriate, unlawful and damaging defamatory allegations about Kent TV and the people who work there'. Ms Phillips, who has since left the company, concluded: 'Please therefore ensure that your blog does not publish any further defamatory statements about Kent TV. I trust you will not do so, but if you do, you should note that Ten Alps reserves the right, if appropriate to protect the reputations of our staff, to initiate legal proceedings without further reference to you.'

The letter had the desired effect. Since receiving it last year Mr Flaig, a railway tracklayer, has desisted from criticising KTV for fear of a writ. 'What next?' he asks the Eye. 'Will Tarmac sue me if I say Kent’s roads are crap?' He has been unable to establish whether council leader Paul Carter endorsed Ten Alps’s threatening letter. Last week he received an opaque missive from Geoff Wild, Kent CC’s director of law & governance, containing the line: 'If you continue to choose to exercise your right to free speech in the manner that you do - as is your right - you must expect to take whatever consequences the law provides…' Very reassuring.

Kent resident Geldof - he lives in a modest priory near Faversham - countered criticisms of KTV by appearing on it before Christmas. With his customary exactitude, Saint Bob explained: 'It’s the old establishment versus the new kids on the block. This spurious beating up of Kent TV on the notion that it’s political is rubbish, it’s a commercial attack. It’s a great service - it’s precisely what should happen with this amazing thing.'

Oh, do fock off, Bob!

Oops, silly me. I seem to have reprinted the entire article there. I'd better scarper before Lord Gnome's m'learneds come after me for copyright infringement!

Art Attack

No, that really is a brand of kitchen roll. Click here if you don't believe me.

Any old hoo, that's not the point. My spies over in mARgaTe™ report some dischord in the rarified world of arts regen. Apparently, just like Mr Brawny there, the Turnip is sucking up all the good funding juices, leaving very little behind for the minnows. I've already reported the trouble at t'IOTA gallery, who are rumoured to be exiting the new super-duperised harbour arm due to a contretemps with the developer and a grant drought. Now I hear that the Substation space off the Lower High Street is finding it difficult to come by the folding. Not only that, but they were also apparently approached by the Turnip to use their space for three months - gratis! What a diabolical liberty!

No wonder the Margate wags have renamed the Turnip's latest exhibition Superabundant Funding!

Click here to go to Superabundant exhibition on Turnip website
Click here to read review of Superabundant on Independent website

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
14-2-08

Plankenstein's Monster

Holy, er, ligneous substances! I see the lovely Receiver of Wreck, Alison Kentuck, has made a huge pile down at the port here in the Cannes of Kent!

Although quite how secure it is from local white van men is questioned by an email I received yesterday:

I was doing my bit for the local economy earlier today (Sunday) by frequenting Churchills Public House. From the window you can see down into the harbour and you can see the piles of wood that have been recovered from the beaches.

Having been told by one of the contractors that the wood was utterly worthless and no good for anything, I was surprised to see some ant-like figures in yellow vests crawling all over the pile. Who would be paying them to crawl all over piles of trash? But next to the piles were two ******* lorries and one of them was piled up with wood. As I watched it became clear that the figures in yellow were sorting the useless wood out.

It wood appear that it may not all be useless after all. Now, I can't say that the yellow-jackets worked for *******, nor can I say that the timber being loaded onto the back of their lorries is destined for use in the building trade. But I wood like to know what they were doing with it. Presumably, they will be telling the Receiver of Wrecks which bits they took and giving them back to the Receiver if he/she so wishes?

I've ****ed the identity of the local building supplies company there, as I, er, woodn't want to get anyone into any kind of trouble.

Still, it's heartwarming to know that Timberland continues to attract visitors to this beautiful part of the world. And it's not the only attraction we have down at the port. Here's a shot of The Big Wheel(ie Bin Maze):

No Snow Business

With the rest of the UK grinding to a halt under 30 metre snow drifts, and our capital shut (apart from the Chinese takeaways), how lucky we are here in the Millionaires' Playground to enjoy such a Mediterranean microclimate!

As you can see from the photo I took this morning of the dates growing in the back yard at the old cliff top mansion, we've been barely troubled by the white stuff. Indeed, as I toddled down to the Costcutter earlier for my copy of Gra*ia, happy, tanned Thanetians were promenading in the balmy breeze, clad only in their traditional Primark T shirts and shorts, needing only a tin or two of Kronenburg 1664 to warm their cockles!

Surely we should be publicising our unique climate a bit more? After all, why build pebbly snowmen in Brighton when you could live here and sunbathe topless, making sandcastles on our lovely, sandy beach!

Wen Will We See You Again?

With Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao spending three days in Blighty this week, I was rather expecting him to pay a ceremonial visit to Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula. After all, he's here to promote trade with China, and here we are - 'The Home of Chinese Globalisation'.

But no. Alas, Thanet has been snubbed. Perhaps the TDC cufflinks, glass paperweights with Thanet scene at bottom and Turner picture enlarged as a scroll of Margate seafront weren't enough to tempt him after all!

Click here to read about warm welcome for Wen on BBC News website