Earner Burner

Flaming heck! It seems that our beloved council has just spent £1.5m on revamping Margate Crematorium, according to their latest press release. Unusually for The Duffers it was brought in on time and under budget.

Among the improvements are a back-up generator, new electric coffin trolleys, new CCTV, a new staff canteen and a new cold store facility (let's hope there's a degree of separation between the latter two). They've also managed to cut emissions by 100%. Hurrah!

But tucked away in the small print is this little gem: 'Installation of heat exchanger to run heating from excess heat from filtration equipment which will massively reduce utilities cost.'

Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that when your beloved Aunt Doris goes up in smoke, she'll be helping to pay TDC's utility bills! 

Hmmm. I wonder if they'll offer a discount for bulk? My Uncle Gerald's really not very well at the moment, and he's an enormous fat bastard. He should help keep the heating on for at least a couple of days. And luckily the refit includes 'the ability to cremate larger bariatric coffins'!

We're Illegally Parked On The Road To Nowhere

It was such a lovely weekend here in the Millionaires' Playground that I decided to whip out my old throbber and give it a bit of a thrashing!

Now that the powers-that-be have opened up the barrier between the harbour and the port, us millionaires are spoilt for choice - take the high road out of town, along London Road, or the low road along Military Road, then out along the port access road and through our lovely, multi-million pound tunnel. I prefer the latter as, fittingly for the Cannes of Kent, it feels just like taking a spin along the jolly old Corniche!

Oddly, though, there were still a number of illegally parked foreign lorries waiting for ferries, which ferries, as we now know, will probably never come. The port itself was deserted. Not a sausage...

To their credit, Kent Highways have done some excellent work installing wooden bollards along the cliff, thus preventing lorries parking illegally on that side. But that, the £32m on the tunnel, £87m on the new dual carriageways around Cliffsend, and the £500,000 spent by TDC on dredging the port for the Ostend Spirit all seem a little, er, pointless now.

I guess it's a case of 'will the last lorry leaving Port Ramsgate please turn out the lights.' Oh, silly me. Kent County Council have already thought of that one too!

The Average Wall Of Ramsgate

Flaming eyesores! The Great Wall of Ramsgate seems to have gone the same way as TransEuropa Ferries!

Has G O'D smitten (smited?) the graffitied artworks down in a fit of pique? Has Tiny Terry Painter peevishly removed them because the people of Ramsgate have had the audacity to rise up and thwart his plans to blight our lovely seafront with concrete sticks? Or have the developers, SFP, done the decent thing, fallen on their Swiss sword, and de-rigged them in preparation for the removal of the hoarding and landscaping the site as a park? (I think you've overdone it on the Tramadol again - Ed.)

Whatever the reason, isn't it about time someone organised a Swampy-style, tunnel-building, Occupy eco-war and reclaimed the site for us Ramsgatonians??? To the yurts everyone!!!!!

Ramsgate Ferry Firm Finally Runs Out Of Steam

Sadly it seems that our lovely TransEuropa Ferries here in the Cannes of Kent have gone into administration. That's what my spies in the anoraks with the binoculars tell me, anyway. The latest dispatch from Ostend reads:

The company has gone into administration today. Administrators will now try to find someone to take over the company. There seems to be one company who are keen to operate the line. They want to put a fastcraft on the line capable of taking trucks and cars.

We have to be a bit careful, as my understanding is that TEF is composed of a number of different companies, any one of which may, or may not, still be operational. And we all know that going into administration is not the same as going bust.

What does seem to be clear is that the Ostend Spirit has been repossessed by P&O, that its Slovenian crew are staging an old skool sit-in up at Tilbury claiming they haven't been paid for months, the TEF website is on the fritz, and the two remaining TEF vessels are laid up in Ostend.

It's a bad day for the town, and, of course, a bad day for those people who might lose their jobs as a consequence. But who knows, something may arise from the ashes. Anyone for Euroferries?!!?!

Meanwhile, don't forget that while most of the island's 'journalists' and political commentators were getting their proverbials in a twist about what may or may not be filmed at council meetings, I was bringing you the real news first! Hurrah for ECR!

Click here for the full story in The Gazunder (wot followed up my scoop!).

Trains And Boats And Planes

Trundling around the old Millionaires' Playground earlier, I thought I'd snap a few off. So here goes. I'll start with the trains...

Well, you would have seen trains there 100 years ago, as it used to be our lovely Ramsgate Sands station. Now it's a delightful row of, er, concrete sticks, part of the ever-to-be-constructed Royal Sands (aka Titanic) development of luxury dwellings, sanctioned by The Duffers. If you pop over to the developer's website, and have a spare two grand handy, you can put down a non-refundable deposit and look at an artist's impression of your splendidly appointed apartment. Which is probably all you'll ever get for your money.

Next some boats...

Oh dear! There don't seem to be any there either! In fact, as I've said before, I haven't seen a TransEuropa ferry in ages. Never mind, there are still some boats in the marina...

Then to cap it all, this thing flew over...

Hey-ho! Just another day in paradise!

Ostend Of An Era?

Effortlessly piloting my graceful Bentley Continental Flying Toss back to the Millionaires' Playground this afternoon, following a week at my Chelsea pad for the funeral of the century and a recording of the new series of Celebrity Nipples for Dave, I couldn't help but notice that our lovely TransEuropa Ferries in our lovely Royal Harbour/Port had been replaced by a floating hotel!

It got me to pondering what was going on with TransEuropa Ferries (TEF), as I rarely see the old tubs wending their way across to Belgium from my captain's lookout here at the cliff top mansion these days. So I emailed my old chums with the anoraks and binoculars on the other side of the briny, and this is their response:

You may well have noticed that Ramsgate port is 'ferryless' at the moment. Yesterday the Ostend Spirit (formerly the Pride of Calais) returned to their owners P&O for lay up at Tilbury. Strange that the Thanet press didn't pick up the story.

In short Transeuropa have some problems, and it seems that the owners the Dias brothers are wrapping up the company their father left them. They have sold two ferries that operated in the Med to Russian interests. The two ferries were moneymakers as they were chartered to the biggest Spanish ferry operator TRASMED for service between Spain and Morroco.

If TEF goes then at least 10 jobs will go directly with some indirectly such as security, cleaning and jobs at Orbit import-export, based at Ramsgate ferry port.

Blimey! Now, following a little, er, misunderstanding with Euroferries (Where are they now?! - Ed.) a few years back, I hasten to add that no-one is saying that TransEuropa have sunk. Let's be absolutely clear on that. But it does seem a little fishy! (Geddit??!!!!!???!!!??!!!!!!!!)

Especially as a visit to TEF's website is currently resulting in a big, fat empty load of white space.

Meanwhile I suppose we must welcome C-Bed to the Cannes of Kent. They provide floating hotels for windfarm workers, enabling them to be on the job 24/7. According to C-Bed's website, they use 'leather and other luxurious materials' to make sure their floatels 'are a place to unwind, sit back and get ready for the next day without worrying about cleaning, cooking, or getting to or from work'.

Fit for a millionaire, I'd say!

Click here for more on the current state of TEF in the Belgian newspaper De Tijd.
Update: The Gazunder has finally caught up with this story. Click here for more.

That Thatcher Funeral Buffet Menu In Full

STARTERS

Assorted Nuts

Pickled Scargills

 MAINS

 Minted Burgers

Roast Rump Of Argentinian Belgrano Beef With Delorsradish Sauce

Falkland Island Lamb Cutlets

French Fries

Irish Potatoes

Brussels Sprouts

Foraged Heath Turnips

DESSERTS

 Sour Grapes

Essex Mandarins

Nutty Slack

Cabinet Pudding

Eton Mess

Bombe Surprise

Finchley Blue Cheese And Crackers

DRINKS

 Bitter Pils

Chateau Callaghan 1979

Privatised Port

Coffee And Humbugs

Catering supplied by Nigel Lawson

Handbags at Dawn

Putting The Fun In Funeral

OK, OK, I take it all back! Mrs/Lady/Baroness Thatcher was the best thing that ever happened to this country!!!

Not only was she an attractive, sexy woman, but she also single-handedly beat off hordes of filthy, revolting miners, the entire, unwashed Irish nation, the disgusting, money-grabbing union types and the loony socialist lefties who wanted us all to become part of the USSR, AND, let us not forget, THE ARGIES!!!!!!!!!

Of course, I was a mere twinkle in Mr Eastcliff Snr's eye for most of her reign. But having read up on her a bit, I now know she was the Iron Lady who put the 'Great' back in 'Great Britain' and bestowed upon us the fabulous wealth that we enjoy today.

Frankly a state funeral is nowhere near enough of a tribute to the woman. Nothing short of sainthood and an airport named after her would be sufficient to commemorate her magnificent achievements. In fact I have today started a petition to rename our very own RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Schipol International Airport as the RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport. You can't say fairer than that.

My volte face is, natch, nothing to do with the fact that I today received my invitation to what is being described as 'the funeral of the century', along with my other old showbiz chums Jeremy, Jeffrey, Dame Shirley, Sir Andy, Sir Terry, Sir Brucie, Sir Trevorie and Sir Davidie. Together we're planning to give her a good, old-fashioned, hoofing send-off. The rumour is I may even be called upon to render my tribute version of 'Candle In The Wind'. 'Twould be an honour, Ma'am!

The Lady Is For Burning

In Memoriam
Margaret Thatcher
Former Tory Prime Minister and Society Denier

So, farewell
Then Margaret Thatcher.

'The lady's not for turning!'
That was
Your catchphrase.
And 'There is no such thing as society.'

Keith's Dad says you invented
Mr Whippy ice cream.

And that he made
Loadsa money when you
Privatised the Gas Board.

Hopefully the current
Price of gas
Will not delay
Your departure
Via Finchley Crematorium.

E. C. Richard (29)

Going Dutch

I see Councillor Biggles is getting his joystick in a lather over on Thanet Life about the new KLM flights that began today from the Ile's RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Schipol International Airport.

Bizarrely, I find myself in agreement with our very own teeny-tiny banner-tugger for once!

After all, Thanet is now connected to everywhere in the world, and soon we'll be swamped with gazillions of foreign visitors, all cramming their way onto the island to get a glimpse of our lovely attractions! According to a UKIP pamphlet which flopped through my letterbox this morning, at least 29 million of them will be coming from Bulgaria and Romania! Hurrah!

Of course, I won't be using the service myself as I have my own private Lear jet permanently parked at RAFLKMMTESIA, ready to thrust me off to my other homes in Provence, Bali and the Virgin Islands. But at least this latest development means the radar will work and the runway will be swept. And all with only a £100,000 subsidy from our taxpayers' pockets. Just the ticket!