Thanet Council Gets New Chief Exec

I must say it's been a long time coming, but at last those duffers at Thanet Council have seen the light and put me in charge. Well, according to 'vertical search engine' ZoomInfo, that is. Which will probably come as a surprise to the incumbent, Dr Sue McGonigal.

It just goes to show that t'internet ain't perfect yet. For example, Google on my smart phone seems to think that Thanet is synonymous with Margate...

And as for the National Lottery, it thinks Ramsgate is outside the UK...

Which sort of drives a lorry through Farage's chances round here!

Meanwhile, I can only get French TV on Freeview. Call me old-fashioned, but a Gallic discussion about piles doesn't, er, sit too well at lunchtime when you're trying to munch your way through the old buffalo mozarella and sun dried tomato bruschetta!

Unhappy Landings

In Memoriam 
RAF London Kent Manston
Margate Tracey Emin
Chas 'n' Dave Maggie Thatcher
Schipol Skyport Poundland
International Airport

So farewell
Then, RAF London
Kent Manston
Margate Tracey Emin
Chas 'n' Dave
Maggie Thatcher
Schipol Skyport
Poundland
International Airport.

You had the
Longest runway
In Britain
According to
Roger Gale MP.

And planes flew
'Straight out to sea'
According to
Paul Carter
Leader of
Kent County Council.

None of which
Was true.

You were supposed
To create
'10,000 jobs'.
That wasn't true either.

Now you have gone
To that great
Airport in the sky.

E. C. Richard (29)

Click here to read more about airport consortium pulling out on KM website.

Time Out

What with Conservative councillors questioned under police caution for conspiracy, and The Duffers in a fighting mood over the Pleasurama Eyesore, it's hard to know which way is up here on the septic isle these days.

Let alone divining the difference between Miles Bar, Milo's Bar, Miles and Barr and a Mars Bar.

So I'm going to be taking a few days respite at the Skegness Home For Bewildered Thespians. Hopefully, once the tablets kick in, I'll be right as rain and back firing on all one cylinder. A bientot!

Deloitted To Meet You

So there you are, a dufferish district council that has attracted a fair amount of controversy over its asset disposal plans on a sea front in deepest, darkest Kent.

You're trying to reassign the leasehold to a listed building. The whole sorry saga has been mired in claims and counter-claims, to the point where you've even been accused of seriously misleading your electorate, the people who vote you in and pay your wages and expenses.

What you really want is a great, big pub company to take the whole thing off your hands. But now so many questions have been raised that you're going to have to at least pay lip service to public opinion and be seen to be doing the right thing.

Perhaps you need some independent advice to get yourself out of the mire? Call in some unbiased experts so that you could demonstrate there was no conflict of interest once the lease has been handed over to the pubco? Good thinking!

Now, who do you hire? Yes, that's right, the same people who do the accounts for the great, big pub company.

No, dear reader, I haven't made it up. You couldn't.

Update February 2014: Since this item was published, TDC have given Deloittes the boot. Another victory for me! Hurrah!

Putting The Willies Up The Old Folk

Which in another context may well be termed gerontophilia. But no, this is about Halloween. My neighbour Betty, who's 76, finds all the trick-or-treating quite scary. So this year she's fashioned this rather esoteric pumpkin, or 'bumpkin' as I like to call it, in the hope that the sight of it in her front window will put the little blighters off. Good luck with that, Betty. My guess is that it may well attract something a bit scarier than a couple of 8 year olds dressed as vampires, but hey-ho.

Personally I don't mind the rascals, and have shipped in a box of Charbonnel et Walker Champagne Truffles especially for the occasion. Not only are they delicious, but they could well redirect the local oiks onto a more aspirational path!

Breast Implants Caused Manston Radar Boob

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Beauty Correspondent Piers D'Nipple

A Manston firefighter has claimed her boob job joy turned to misery when it caused radar at Kent International Airport to malfunction.

The firefighter, who asked not to be named, says the problem only came to light when air traffic controllers spotted a pair of giant bosoms on their screens, heading for Ramsgate. She told The Gazunder: 'I was off duty at the time and enjoying my new bust. But then I got a call from the airport on my mobile to say there was an emergency, and to prepare for a pollution incident as they thought the two enormous, flying breasts might be leaking contaminated milk.'

She added that it was only when she was preparing to dash to the airport that she realised her new 36Ds could be causing the problem. 'I called the control tower back and they asked me to jiggle them around a bit. Sure enough, they were jiggling around on their radar screens too!'

The emergency services were stood down once the source of the blips was identified.

A spokesman for the airport said: 'I know we have our knockers, but this is ridiculous.'

'Aving A Larf

Up here in the Smoke (London) there are plenty of places where you can go and have a jolly old chortle. But a chum of mine is trying to write a piece about stand-up and open mic comedy on the Ile de Thanet. Can anyone point him in the right direction?

I've told him about the regular, trouser-wetting guffaws to be had in the council chamber, but he didn't seem that impressed!

And talking of larfs, here's a trailer for next week's Mary Queen of The High Street show on Margate....

Mary Queen Of The High Street trailer on YouTube

Whatever Floats Your Vote

Yippee! It's voting day!! Although an early straw poll of the usual pissed up and superannuated knob-knuckles dragging themselves along the street outside the old cliff top mansion resulted in a variety of reactions to my simple question: 'Morning! Election?', ranging from blank stares to the downright pugilistic.

Of course, as this is a vote for Kent County Council, and as KCC is currently bluer than my old showbiz chum Roy 'Chubby' Brown, the outcome is a foregone conclusion. Much of the county appears to be in the grips of a perpetual, true blue voodoo session in the desperate hope of bringing The Witch back from her grave to save/ruin the nation again.

Consequently Ruddy-Faced Man can comfortably look forward to another 1000 years of lording it over his Kentish reich from his Maidstone bunker, methinks. As you may be able to tell, I don't like Tories.

The real question is, how should I vote if I want to make any kind of difference here in Ramsgate?

UKIP? Well, on the Ile de Thanet at least, they seem to consist of disaffected Tories who are so right wing they think Thatcher was a commie plant. Or just outright, former Nazis. Strange how so many flabby, old decrepit men living with young, pneumatic, Thai brides can still object to foreigners swamping their country without a hint of irony, isn't it?

Greens? No, I already have a Toyota Priapus, thanks.

Yellows? Nope. Can't forgive them for becoming Bum-Faced Cameron's new bum chums.

Independents? Nobody can have failed to notice Ian 'Pile' (take that whichever way you like) Driver. He's been accused of being a motormouth and a 'career politician'. Er, hello! That's what most politicians are, ne c'est pas? I'd rather have someone representing me who was vocal and local, and spent his entire time gobbing off about Pleasurama, live exports, our derelict seafront, pooey beaches, and council corruption than the usual, mealy-mouthed, bent and pissed 'yes' men we have around here. And I admire his big, hairy, northern balls in publishing 'confidential' council documents that we all have a right to see. It's our money they're pissing away, after all. In fact, he reminds me a little bit of me (except I'm in no way northern, I hasten to add).

Two minor problems though. He isn't local. He lives in Boredstares, which is barely forgivable. And he has some cockamamie plan to declare UDI from Kent and Europe. But then that will never happen.

Then there's the lovely Liz Green, our local Labour lass. Not only does she actually live in the heart of Ramsgate, she also fights tirelessly (albeit quietly) on the town's behalf. She's helped me out of Duffer-induced pickles on many occasions. Oh, and have I mentioned she's lovely, too?

So I guess those latter two will get my vote when I stroll down to the jolly old polling station later. But who knows? As ever, I might always change my mind as I walk in!

East Kent Bids For City Of Culture 2017

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Arts Correspondent Jenny Tals

Culture vultures across the isle are celebrating the news that East Kent has thrown its hat into the ring to become UK City of Culture 2017!

The bid will see East Kent competing against the likes of Aberdeen, Chester, Hastings and Bexhill, Hull, Leicester, Plymouth, Portsmouth and Southampton, Swansea Bay, Sarfend, London, Paris and New York! (Er, those last two aren't in the UK - Ed.)

East Kent Head of Arts and Culture Mary Hinge, who's heading up the pitch for the area, told the Gazunder it was a great opportunity to showcase Thanet's burgeoning arts scene. 'What with the Turner Contemporary, links with Tracey Emin, and the Turner Contemporary, Margate is fast becoming the centre of the arts universe,' said Hinge. 'There's so much going on, it's like an explosion in a custard factory!!!'

She added that 'Explosion in a Custard Factory', by 23 year old Lithuanian artist Biggas Lottadudu-Ueverseenas, which is currently showing at the Turner, would be one of the keystones of the bid. Rejecting claims that East Kent is not technically a city, Hinge added: 'If there's taxpayers' money up for grabs, it could be a banana for all I care.'

Highlights of Thanet's culture bid will include:

•  Exhibition of 3D pavement art by the Thanet Pit Bull Owners Club
•  'Stella Mountain', a new site-specific installation designed by the Premier Convenience Store Customers' Collective
•  'Concrete Sticks in a Row', a permanent installation on Ramsgate seafront by reclusive Swiss artists' commune SFP
•  Thanet Tories have pledged to hand out free planning permission, should they get back into power by 2017, to any artist with an idea for an installation who turns up with a back pocket full of 50s and plane tickets to 'somewhere nice'.

 That's enough culture - Ed.

One of the high points of Margate's cultural year - the annual

Sticking Your Head in a Box and Bad Anagrams Show

UPDATE 19 June 2013: It didn't even make it into the final four. Click here for more.

Rubbish News

Regular contributor Samantha writes:

Is anyone else fed up with the state of Camden Square in Ramsgate? Every week rubbish is dumped there willy-nilly, not to mention the ever-present seagull problem on bin bag collection days. I have attached some photos of the disgraceful mess this square is almost constantly in.

The residents have been told their properties are not suited to wheelie bins and that they cannot participate in the trial of seagull proof bin bags that is taking place elsewhere on the East Cliff. Emails to councillors rarely receive a response, and I know of one councillor who actually believes that the seagull proof bags are 'ugly' and that the final solution is spraying bin liners with bleach on bin day. How's that supposed to help?




Well Samantha, it certainly looks like a land fill from your photos! I wonder how long it'll be before the entire area is infested with rats and bubonic plague?!?!!??

And talking of rubbish news, I've just been sent a press release from Duffer Central entitled HERITAGE OPEN DAYS COME TO MARGATE. According to our beloved council's spin doctor:

Some of Margate ’s many historic buildings and sites will be throwing open their doors next month (September), as part of Heritage Open Days.

A total of 12 different venues will be taking part in the initiative, which runs from Thursday 9 September until Sunday 12 September. It’s been organised under the banner of Margate Arts, Creativity, Heritage (MACH) [Who they? Ed], an innovative partnership between English Heritage, the Arts Council and Thanet District Council.

There's more, but it's all about Margate. Yet a sneak peek at the English Heritage website reveals that there are two events in Broadstairs, and two in Ramsgate. So why no mensh of those by Cecil Square? Have they forgotten that our council tax pays their wages too? Or are they just eager to take credit for what seems to be some much needed joined up thinking from outside their bureaucratic box? I think we should be told!

Bum And Bummer

Phwoar! I see Ramsgate's prude-defying hairdresser Marcello has, er, turned the other cheek!

If you recall, the top tonseurist caused a nationwide stir recently with a controversial erection featuring his lovely Cuban wife's booby bits. Now he's flipped her over and chucked up her backside!

The new look is featured in today's Daily Star Sunday (click on pic for full story). It's bound to get the old duffers at our beloved council all hot under the collar again!

Sack The Council Say Boat Owners

Lumme! I see from the front page of this week's yourfannitinnit that the paper's top newshound Tom Betts has been sniffing around our marina!

Although his nostrils won't have been as offended as mine were standing on Margate's Harbour Arm (pier in old money) the other day, he's dredged up a story about the Marina Association unanimously voting to oust our beloved council's harbour management team. According to the salty seamen, the place is now so badly run that it's 'embarrassing'.

One of the main gripes is, of course, the woeful lack of dredging. The association reckons that around two metres of silt has built up and that pontoons now sit on mud at low tide. Presumably the boats do too, lending an unusual slant to canapes and sundowners.

What with that and the loss of one of the marina's YHA Gold Anchors recently, you'd think that Acting Harbour Master and Thanet Council's Director of Regeneration, Brian White, would be on the case. But no. I'm told by my spies in the brass buttoned blazers and deck shoes that, far from getting out there with his bucket and spade, he's busy with yet another Maritime Services 'staff reorganisation'. Kuh!

Click here to read more in yourfannitinnit

Update: Talking of sackings, I've been told that former harbour master Dominic Evans, who was suspended by the council back in September, has this afternoon won his industrial tribunal case against unfair dismissal in Ashford. TDC have apparently caved in and offered him a settlement. Good news for him. Not so good news for us taxpayers who have to fork out for the useless council apparently sacking the chap unjustly in the first place.

Thanet Council - An Apology

Thanet District Council has apologised for the inconvenience and distress it has caused the island and its inhabitants over the past 36 years.

In a statement issued to mark the anniversary of its formation in 1974, the authority formally admitted that it had got just about everything wrong and would consequently be turning itself in to the European Court of Human Rights.

The announcement follows widespread national coverage of the council's ineptitude over the years. From 'dole-by-the-sea' in the 80s and 90s, to scandals involving senior council members, the authority has become a byword for incompetence and corruption. Planning disasters such as Westwood Cross, Dreamland and Pleasurama have blighted the isle for decades.

Cllr. Roger Latchford, Cabinet Member for Regeneration and Economic Development, said: 'This is fantastic news for Thanet. We are delighted that, by admitting our mistakes and handing ourselves in to the police, the island can now move forward into the green and pleasant uplands of social, economic and environmental progress.'

For further information contact:

April Fule
Press and Media Manager
Thanet District Council
www.thanet.gov.uk

Tel: 01843 577 034
Fax: 01843 295 343

£20,000? I'll Eat My Hat! And His Too!

A little bird tells me that mARgaTe's mad hatter's sea party on Saturday (see item below) was bounteously funded from the public purse to the tune of 20 grand!

Well, er, probably not just that event, but the month long 'Dead Season Live Art Margate' project apparently rinsed that amount out of the Arts Council of the South East. And has mostly been attended by the artists and, er, other artists.

For 20K I certainly would expect more than a few boxes on heads. Surely if we'd handed out a fiver to the first 4,000 people to arrive at Margate station it would have attracted more visitors and done more for the town's economy?

Mad Hatter's Sea Party

Whitstable reader Liz writes:

Having read in yesterday's Guardian that the 'wonkiest art event of the week' was going to take place in Margate I was intrigued enough to drive the 20 minutes to find out more.

Although Harold Offeh's 'Margate's First Beaux Arts Ball' courtesy of the town's Limbo Arts did not seem very well attended it did seem more authentic than the Turner Contemporary's recent bogus walk around a swimming pool. Locals were invited to dress up as their favourite buildings in the town and a parade was held in the afternoon.

Quite why it needed two video cameramen to capture this small group for posterity was however beyond me. Surely whatever funding went into that element could have been better used on materials etc? I have sent you some photos please feel free to use them on your excellent website.

Malice In Blunderland?

Hurrah! Now I don't even have to leave my cliff top mansion to explore the delights of those grimy back streets behind Ramsgate's trendy East Cliff!

With the launch of Google Street View in Thanet today, I can now fester in front of the computer, trusty bottle of Morrisons Morrinov vodka by my side, and stumble around the Millionaires' Playground without even lifting a foot. Plus my foot will now be less plastered in dog doo-doo from having to negotiate the festering pavements hereabouts! It's a win-win! Although Google will insist on labelling Ramsgate as Margate. Idiots.

Hang on. What if the local ne'er do wells get wind of this new service courtesy of California's billionaire internet boffins? They could case my cliff top mansion without even having to mooch around outside, looking suspicious. Nah. On second thoughts, they're all way too stupid. I've had a good sniff around our Sandy's gaff in Broadstairs though. Nice carpets!

Click here to read about Google Street View in Thanet

President Who?

Whilst not wishing to alienate my ever-growing readership in Oostende (Ostend in old money), Belgium and the wider European continent, I find I now have a President whose name I had never even heard of until ten minutes ago! I am not, like many of the Thanet bewildered, a detractor of the European project, nor am I a supporter of Tony Blair. But having to swear allegiance to the Prime Minister of Belgium, and address him as 'President' van Rumpy-Pumpy is not, frankly, floating my boat!

Putting The Willies Up The Old Folk

Which in another context may well be termed gerontophilia. But no, this is about Halloween. My neighbour Betty, who's 76, finds all the trick-or-treating quite scary. So this year she's fashioned this rather esoteric pumpkin, or 'bumpkin' as I like to call it, in the hope that the sight of it in her front window will put the little blighters off. Good luck with that, Betty. My guess is that it may well attract something a bit scarier than a couple of 8 year olds dressed as vampires, but hey-ho.

Personally I don't mind the rascals, and have shipped in a box of Charbonnel et Walker Champagne Truffles especially for the occasion. Not only are they delicious, but they could well redirect the local oiks onto a more aspirational path!

We're All Agadoomed!

As if the Home Secretary's hubbie, er, splashing out on porn at home alone (thus leaving poor Jacqui with nothing more interesting than egg on her face) wasn't enough of an indicator of the downfall of western civilisation. No, the re-release of the worst song of all time (as voted by Q readers in 2003) must surely put the tin hat on it!

Agadoo by Black Lace, which is being re-released 25 years after it reached, rather fittingly in my opinion, the number two slot, is said by band member Dene Michael to be 'just what we need' with all the doom and gloom around at the moment.

Yes, I'm sure it is Dene. I'm sure that all we need is your song, a mullet and rolled up jacket sleeves, and a couple of gallons of Bacardi and Coke and the whole world will seem a much better place! Why don't we pull the stake out of Thatcher's heart and re-animate Ronnie Reagan while we're at it?! Then we could really party like it's 1984! Dunno though. That could well be a vote winner round here!

More Agadoo-doo on BBC News website

Ant-Sized Dick

The director I'm working with out here in Cana-da-da-da appears to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He'd been hoping to pitch a new game show to ITV, but feels that today's announcement of £3,000,000,000,000,000 losses and squillions of redundancies has put the tin hat on it. Consequently he's tailspinned into a terminal decline.

Personally I have to agree with my fellow Thanetian Adem. I can't remember the last time I tuned in to ITV. The news is shite, Corrie's crap, and the entertainment programmes appear to consist mostly of Z list celebrities falling on their arses. And then there's Ant and Dec (shudder). I should imagine ITV's audience profile goes something like this:

50% - Old gippers staring aimlessly at the 21 inch Bush in the corner of the day room at their residential home
49% - Crack addicts who've lost the remote down the back of their Argos sofa
1% - Quadriplegics whose mouthpieces have fallen out.

The only glimmer of hope for Michael Grade and his cohorts is my old showbiz chum Harry Hill. I shall be emailing Mike forthwith to suggest that Harry presents News at Ten and plays all the parts in Coronation Street and Emmerdale, starting first thing Monday.

Posted from Vancouver via iPhone