Election Fever!

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Political Editor Gerry Mander

Thanet is in the grip of Euro election fever! And with everything to play for, a host of eager candidates are pounding the doorsteps looking for your vote - and a ticket to ride the Brussels gravy train!

But who are they? What do they stand for? We've been to meet the area's election hopefuls...
President Jacques Chirac, 81 (UKIP). A surprising choice for UKIP, but Jacques doesn't see being French as a barrier to being elected on an anti-European ticket. 'I 'av retired from ze day job, and I need ze new challenge,' he told the Gazunder. 'Ze Sous East of Ongland is very close to France, I can be in my constituency at ze drop of ze chapeau.' And Jacques is promising to bring a taste of the continent to Thanet if he's elected. 'I will 'ave a stall in ze French markets selling ze pigs testicles. I 'ave ze stripey T shirt and everyzing!'Bill Watney, 34 (UKIP). Bill makes no bones about the love of his life - beer! 'It's chuffing lovely it is, magic, bloody magic. Bloody lovely,' he quipped. 'I love it, I really love it. Me? Can't get enough of it mate.' Asked about his position on drunken yobbery in the high streets at the weekends, Bill responded: 'Wankers the lot of them. I'd chuffing show them where to go. Soft as shite the lot of them. Wankers.'
Brittany Barker, 19 (UKIP). As if being a single mum to 33 little 'uns wasn't enough of a challenge, Brittany's now set her beady eyes on Europe. 'I'm fed up with Europe putting us single mums down,' she says. And she's got another bone to pick with the Eurocrats. 'Public lighting. There just aren't enough lamp posts.'
Barry Nutter, 62 (UKIP). Barry's claim to fame is that he once ate an entire suite of dining room furniture. 'I used to go in for these wacky eating competitions,' he told the Gazunder. 'I've also done a sofa, three armchairs and a bicycle.' He set up the Barry Nutter Party last year to highlight the derelict buildings in Cliftonville, but has since joined UKIP. 'There's an empty B&B in Dalby Square I've got my eye on. It should go down a treat with some HP Sauce!'
Wing Commander Professor Sir Rodney Joystick OBE, 87 (UKIP). Considered one of the UKIP 'new bloods', Sir Rodney was knighted for work on hush-hush government projects during WW2. Since then he's pursued a career in hairdressing. 'I've been persuaded to stand by fellow members of UKIP,' he says. 'Most of them are a lot older than me, and despite occasional help from their teenage Thai brides, they generally can't stand at all without the help of a Zimmer frame.' If elected, Sir Rodney has pledged to outlaw young people and nancy boys. (That's enough candidates - Ed.)

Scobie-Dobie-Don't!

In the spirit of totally ignoring what our local flying doctor has revealed in the last 24 hours over on the seedy north side of the island, here's some more chucklesome Scobie snaps sent in by my readers. Keep 'em coming!

Scobie Snaps

One of my regular contributors has clearly been inspired by the Gazunder's weekly photos of Will Scobie, our foetal Labour parliamentary candidate for Sarf Fannit, who is invariably posed standing next to a pothole/sandwich/knitted ambulance...

Hmmm. It just goes to show, he does get around a bit!

Have you spotted Scoobie? Send your pics to the email address on the right, and I'll publish them here.

And speaking of parliamentary candidates for Sarf Fannit, the Green Party's Cllr Motormouth has recently espoused the idea of setting up a cannabis cafe on the island. Writing on Facebook, he says that the cafe would be 'a relaxed place where people could meet up with friends, have something to eat and drink and bring their own cannabis to smoke in a safe and tranquil place.

'In Manchester and Brighton people are discussing setting up cannabis cafes. Across the world attitudes to cannabis use are changing so lets start a discussion in Thanet. I appreciate that like alcohol and tobacco, cannabis can damage health but its time to think about developing a new approach to drugs because it's clear that enforcement is becoming an incredibly expensive waste of money.'

And there was me thinking Thanet had already gone to pot! Geddit??!??!??!!

Whatever Floats Your Vote

Yippee! It's voting day!! Although an early straw poll of the usual pissed up and superannuated knob-knuckles dragging themselves along the street outside the old cliff top mansion resulted in a variety of reactions to my simple question: 'Morning! Election?', ranging from blank stares to the downright pugilistic.

Of course, as this is a vote for Kent County Council, and as KCC is currently bluer than my old showbiz chum Roy 'Chubby' Brown, the outcome is a foregone conclusion. Much of the county appears to be in the grips of a perpetual, true blue voodoo session in the desperate hope of bringing The Witch back from her grave to save/ruin the nation again.

Consequently Ruddy-Faced Man can comfortably look forward to another 1000 years of lording it over his Kentish reich from his Maidstone bunker, methinks. As you may be able to tell, I don't like Tories.

The real question is, how should I vote if I want to make any kind of difference here in Ramsgate?

UKIP? Well, on the Ile de Thanet at least, they seem to consist of disaffected Tories who are so right wing they think Thatcher was a commie plant. Or just outright, former Nazis. Strange how so many flabby, old decrepit men living with young, pneumatic, Thai brides can still object to foreigners swamping their country without a hint of irony, isn't it?

Greens? No, I already have a Toyota Priapus, thanks.

Yellows? Nope. Can't forgive them for becoming Bum-Faced Cameron's new bum chums.

Independents? Nobody can have failed to notice Ian 'Pile' (take that whichever way you like) Driver. He's been accused of being a motormouth and a 'career politician'. Er, hello! That's what most politicians are, ne c'est pas? I'd rather have someone representing me who was vocal and local, and spent his entire time gobbing off about Pleasurama, live exports, our derelict seafront, pooey beaches, and council corruption than the usual, mealy-mouthed, bent and pissed 'yes' men we have around here. And I admire his big, hairy, northern balls in publishing 'confidential' council documents that we all have a right to see. It's our money they're pissing away, after all. In fact, he reminds me a little bit of me (except I'm in no way northern, I hasten to add).

Two minor problems though. He isn't local. He lives in Boredstares, which is barely forgivable. And he has some cockamamie plan to declare UDI from Kent and Europe. But then that will never happen.

Then there's the lovely Liz Green, our local Labour lass. Not only does she actually live in the heart of Ramsgate, she also fights tirelessly (albeit quietly) on the town's behalf. She's helped me out of Duffer-induced pickles on many occasions. Oh, and have I mentioned she's lovely, too?

So I guess those latter two will get my vote when I stroll down to the jolly old polling station later. But who knows? As ever, I might always change my mind as I walk in!

Election Candidates In The Hot Seat

By Isle of Thanet Gazunder Political Editor Gerry Mander

Yes folks, it's election time again! Unless you're dead, living on a different planet, or a crack-crazed, alcoholic meth whore (You've just described 99% of the Thanet population - Ed.), you're probably already caught up in the excitement leading to polling day tomorrow! Will Kent County Council swing to the left? Or will it swing even further to the right and end up bashing into Essex? Or will it split down the middle like some kind of geo-political Terry's Chocolate Orange?

Here at your super, soaraway Gazunder we've gone to the ends of the earth and left no stone unturned to bring you the inside track on all the candidates by asking them to email us something which we've printed verbatim. So it's make your mind up time, Thanet!

UKIP

Candidates: Adolf Hilter, Ron Vibbentrop OBE

Policies: More things to do for the young people would be nice, wouldn't it? To that end we have already established UKIP Youth to help indoctrinate our precious young people with right thinking. Also, we're not racialists, but there aren't 'arf a lot of foreigners around here, aren't there? And while we're at it, you can't visit a public convenience these days without some homosexualist waving their great, big, hairy todger at you. Wouldn't it be great if all these people were rounded up and shot?
 
CONSERVATIVE

Candidates: Nigel Bentley, Prunella Learjet-Joystick

Policies: A vote for UKIP is a wasted vote. We will do everything UKIP are pledging and more. As the national government we have already reduced the appalling deficit we inherited from the filthy socialists by 0.00003 percent through a stringent policy of sacking doctors, nurses, policemen, and firemen. We have steered the country into three recessions, whilst encouraging rich people like bankers to do what they do best - run off with huge bags of fifty pound notes marked 'Swag'. A vote for us is a vote for common sense.

LIBDEM

Candidates: Tony Van Driver, Harry Bleachedanus

Policies: Er, can we get back to you on that? Oh, yes, I've just been reminded that we're basically the Greens, but differ from them in that we hate Labour and love airports. We're BFFs with that nice Mr Cameron although we resent him a bit because he is proper posh, and we only went to a grammar school. Is that enough policies?

GREEN

Candidates: Dr Mick Beard, Amy Hempsweater

Policies: We say 'NO' to giant Tescos, polluting factories, cars, lorries, ferries, planes, trains, Chinese imports, meat, leather, personal hygiene and gas central heating. We say 'YES' to wind farms, mung beans, bicycles, yurts, composting toilets, smelly feet and anything made out of, or rolled up with, hemp.

LABOUR

Candidates: Sophie Ballbreaker, Jason Middlemanagement

Policies: Three years of coalition government have left our county in an appalling state. With every street light switched off, it is now becoming almost impossible to drive one's Toyota Prius to Waitrose in the evenings. And why there isn't a John Lewis closer than Bluewater, lord knows. Let alone the poor miners. With a Labour controlled Thanet Council and a Labour controlled Ramsgate Town Council, we are working hard to ensure that every Thanet citizen receives their basic human rights of a latte and a mozzarella and sundried tomato ciabatta - all day, every day. Let alone the poor nurses.

INDEPENDENT

Candidates: Reginald Loonytoon, Ronnie Motormouth, 'Mad' Maggie Maddingley

Policies: WHAT DO WE WANT? TIME TRAVEL! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER! MAGGIE MAGGIE MAGGIE - OUT, OUT, OUT! KINNOCK, KINNOCK, KINNOCK - IN, IN, IN! CECIL, CECIL, CECIL - IN, OUT, IN, OUT! Also, please take your pick from the following: more renewables, less renewables, no live exports, more live exports, less Pleasurama development, more Pleasurama development, less town councils, more town councils, no filming council meetings, filming council meetings. (That's enough policies - Ed.)