Creature Feature

Now that we've established Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula has the finest climate in Britain, what we need is a cheap attraction to replace all the burnt out attractions on our coast. And what better than to take a leaf out of the Kilties' books?

I therefore present to you - THE CHANNEL CREATURE! Yes, folks, there's something incredibly large and mysterious lurking in the water. And no, it's not that hairy, obese bloke who dives off Broadstairs Jetty come rain or shine. According to the 'Association of Marine Research' a 'gigantic' and 'extremely fast moving' creature has been spotted off our shores, and they've even got a rather murky video to, er, prove it.

It all sounds like a load of cods, but what with UFOs and panthers being spotted on and over the island on a daily basis (presumably by the sort of people who've just polished off their third slab of Stella for the day), we could have the makings of Thanet - Mystery Island here!

Is it a borrie? Is it a submarine? No, it's THE CHANNEL CREATURE!

Update: Thanks to a tip-off, I understand that this is some crappy ad campaign being driven by a bunch of oh-so-clever types at Unruly Media. Apparently they're offering 75 smackers to any blogger that carries it. So come on then, where's my 75 quid? Or you could just tell us what you're 'advertising'! Tossers.

Climate Chance

With yet another clear blue sky and brilliant sunshine over the old cliff top mansion, it's got me pondering the magnificent micro-climate we enjoy here in the tip of Kent.

After all, when Thanet Earth started growing tomatoes the size of footballs and cucumbers that would make a porn star green with envy, they said this was the only area in the UK with the right growing conditions for their exotic crops. Although the transport links and regeneration status also came into the equation. So why shouldn't our Mediterranean-style beaches attract carbon-anxious, pound-poor Brits this summer?

Yes, yes, I know we've been told the bucket and spade holiday is dead (©1970-2009 Thanet Council), but just take a look at the average summer sunshine figures from the Met Office for 1971-2000:

There we are, bathed in a bright band of orange, and I'm not talking about the rivers of piss running down Broadstairs high street on a Friday night! And our rainfall figures knock those West Country yokels into a cocked proverbial:

The more brown, the less rain. Or possibly the more barkers' nests. Any old how, proof positive that the Ile de Thanet is well on its way, climatewise at least, to becoming the new St Tropez. And with the Met Office saying today that this summer will be 'hot and dry', I for one predict cocktails by the pool all season!

More stats from the Met Office
Met Office forecasts 'hot and dry' summer this year

Flights Of Fancy

Discharged from the QEQM and back home here at the old cliff top mansion, I've been overwhelmed by all the flowers I've received. Thanks to everyone who took the time to pull them out of the council flowerbeds and chuck them over my hedge.

I see the BBC News website is currently trumpeting the success of Locate in Kent, one of those pointless quangos that uses our money to, er.... Hmm. Well, apparently they've created 2,891 jobs in the last financial year, up 33% on the year before. Hurrah! A quick squiz at their website elicits the news (in several places) that there are 67 golf courses in Kent, clearly a priority for all those fat businessmen in disastrous casualwear they're trying to tempt here.

More seriously, it also appears that lying out of their arses has helped attract all these lovely new jobs. Under the section 'Areas of Kent', they describe our little tip in the usual terms - regeneration, blah, transformational, blah, development, blah blah blah. The description is topped off with this little gem: 'Kent International Airport, attracting six million passengers a year, is leading regeneration in Thanet.' Six million passengers a year? Six million passengers a year? Chas 'n' Dave International would be lucky to be doing a hundredth of that!

Meanwhile, the agency's delightfully named chief executive Paul Wookey said: 'Aoacworcwo rarcwo cahkaoro-cwohowowh rrooanww oaoohurccwoc ahwh orwowhao' Han Solo was unavailable for comment.

Read all about it
Locate in Kent (if you believe them)
Translate Wookie

Update: Locate in Kent have now changed this bollix to read: 'Kent International Airport and the commercial development which is likely to occur around the airport will play a major role in regeneration in Thanet' after the excellent Yourthanet followed up my story. The actual number of passengers Chas 'n' Dave International carried in 2008 was 11,657.

Click here to read full story in yourfannitinnit

Ostend Game

Phew! That was a close shave! But thanks to the fantastic doctors and nurses here at the QEQM, I'm now sitting up and keeping patients and staff entertained in my own inimitable fashion. The nurse even promised to warm the colonoscope up first, and it doesn't get much better than that.

They have a terrific variety of reading matter here too, and one paper which caught my glass eye was the Belgian Het Nieuwsblad, which they must stock for fluey Flems coming off the TransEuropa ferries in Ramsgate. An article about a 'crisis' in the port of Oostende (Ostend in old money) leapt out. I'm afraid my Belgian's a bit rusty, but it would seem that the local MP, who's also the chairman of the Oostende port authority, was saying:

There is no positive expectancy for a cooperation with a British port. A joint venture with Ramsgate is not for tomorrow, because the British are suspicious and there is much criticism and opposition from Dover.

So Dover are cutting our lunch here in the Millionaires' Playground, eh? What are our lovely council, who run the port, doing to counter that may I ask? Apart from being 'suspicious'?

Coincidentally, there's a salty seaman in the bed next to me who's in to have his pegleg revarnished, and he swears blind that TransEuropa Ferries want to buy one of those super-duper ferries for their Ramsgate - Oostende route, but won't make the investment until the council promise to dredge the port to at least 6.7 metres. And the council won't make the dredge pledge until TransEuropa have bought the ferry. Talk about chickens and eggs!

Vande Lanotte blijft alert voor gevolgen crisis in haven

Swine Flu Fever Sweeps Isle

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Medical Editor Dr R. de Cocke

Swine flu fever is sweeping Thanet as more and more islanders panic about the pandemic that is predicted to kill up to half the world's population.

The QEQM hospital, local GP practices and pharmacies are on a high state of alert, with one Cliftonville pharmacist, who didn't want to be named, saying: 'We've stocked up on the anti-viral drug Tamiflu and now have more of that than we have methodone, which is a first.'

Sales of face masks at B&Q were also said to be up, and local shops report people stockpiling frozen chips and tinned Stella. 'We're down to our last case of 1664,' said one shopkeeper. 'We've ordered more from the wholesalers, but they're also short on supplies. It looks as if we'll be down to the White Lightning by tomorrow.'

Meanwhile the island's Chief Medical Adviser has warned people to be vigilant and report any unusual symptoms to their doctor. They include:

- Loss of appetite for burgers and kebabs
- Sudden urge to work
- Atypical use of consonants

One victim of the pandemic panic was last night recovering at Thanet Hospital. Celebrity millionaire Richard Eastcliff was said to be 'improving' after a fault occurred in the air filtration system of his fallout shelter in Ramsgate, rendering him unconscious. A spokesman for the hospital said he was now sitting up and joking with nurses. [He'll be dead by Thursday - Ed.]

Rent Boy

Although I'm well supplied here in the cliff top bunker for the essentials - tinned food, bottled water, chemical khazi etc - I'm a bit light on entertainment. All that's down here is a pile of old magazines and back issues of the local rags, awaiting recycling as liners for Bertie's litter tray.

I've been through a two foot pile of previously unread of PR Weeks and Televisuals, but there's only so many carefully posed photos of double-chinned PR execs with Osmondised teeth, and TV directors with that shrewdly creative look on their faces that they've been practising in front of the bathroom mirror since they were 12, that a man can take. So it's no wonder that this front page from a recent Isle of Thanet Gazunder leapt out at me.

'Breed Landlords - Save Money!' What a splendid idea! Once this crisis is over I'll need to repopulate the world and what better way than by breeding landlords!!! Of course, there'll be no Mexicans left, so Chihuahua landlords would be a no go. But there's no reason why I shouldn't breed miniature landlords or toy landlords. Think of all the rent I'll collect!!!!!! Hahahahaa!!!!

Hang on, I'm feeling a little queer. There seems... to be something wrong... with... the air filtration unit.... [Thud]

Keep Rubbing On The Oinkment

I'm in lock-down here at the old cliff top mansion, with my security consultant Fat Kev posted at the door under strict orders to turn away all visitors, and shoot any pigs or Mexicans on sight. I shall, of course, continue to post items from my hermetically sealed panic room.

As a precautionary measure, I also eschewed the BAFTAs last night not wishing to catch flu from the various showbiz swine on display. Good to see my old chum Harry Hill carrying off a gong though.

I thought it was bird flu we were meant to be panicking about. Now the pigs seem to have the upper hand. Which will win? I suppose there's only one way to find out...

East Of The Wantsum

As well as pollution news (see below), here's another thing you won't find in this week's Gazunder. My weekly photo strip, East of the Wantsum (click on the image to enlarge).

I'm assured by Rebecca, the lovely editor, that it's a mere oversight and that she forgot to put it in. Of course, the conspiratorial amongst you will assume that she's been nobbled by the duffers in Cecil Square. Any old how, we'll soon find out next Friday!

Don't Drink The Water

I see both former Irritating Bloke Billo Wright's and bibliobloke Michael Child are running the story the Isle of Thanet Gazunder passed up on today - the investigation of medical conditions possibly related to serious pollution incidents here on our septic isle.

Thanks to Irritating Bloke's tireless and sometimes tiresome efforts, we discovered last year that Cyclohexanone had been dripping into our aquifer over a period of years at the old Sericol site, and that there'd been serious leaks of noxious crud at Thor chemicals more recently. Not that anyone in authority saw fit to inform us, of course. Now IB has brought this to the attention of the Kent Health Protection Unit at Maidstone, who have assured him that they 'will be investigating this matter fully'. The question being whether there is a statistically higher chancing of carking it from diseases associated with the nasties in our water course than in areas whose water remains unsullied by a cocktail of organophosphates and mercury, with the occasional barker's nest thrown in for luck.

Quite why the Gazunderers, who were given the exclusive on this water story, haven't, er, splashed it across the front page is frankly beyond me. Oh well, maybe they're under orders not to panic the populace! In the meantime, here's the late, great lovely Tom Lehrer [He's not dead yet - Ed.] singing about pollution back in the days when Sericol first started leaking hundreds of tonnes of Cyclohexawhatsit into the Thanet soil:

Thanet Twosome Should Go - Poll

The result of my latest 7 day poll is in - and it's an overwhelming vote of no confidence in the Blue Rinsers at the top of Thanet Council. For the record, here's how you voted:

Question: Should the current Thanet leadership bow out?

Yes: 92% (114 votes)
No: 7% (9 votes)

Gosh! It seems all of Sandy and Roger's friends voted in that one! Still no sign of purported the leadership challenge that prompted the poll, though. I'm beginning to wonder if my top Tory source was pulling my plonker!

On a related note, one of my lovely readers has pointed out that Thanet's political bloggers are now in 'purdah' in the run-up to the parish, county and Euro elections on 4 June. Cllrs Moores and Gregory (blue corner) and Green and Nottingham (red corner) are under strict orders to be nice to each other, with bitchy tit-for-tats banned. I'm not a councillor, though. So I can still be as bitchy and tit-for-tatty as I like, and no returns. Hurrah!

By George! It's The BNP!

Surely it's no coincidence that a leaflet for the BNP dropped through the letterbox here at the old cliff top mansion this morning? With today being St George's Day, perhaps they're attempting to ride on the back of whatever English national fervour is knocking about in these parts.

Among the serried ranks of happy (white) smiling supporters, the leaflet promises that the BNP 'does not 'hate' anyone', whilst explaining that our taxpayers' sovs 'shouldn't be wasted on expanding 'Europe' so that millions of Muslims in Turkey can join the invasion of foreign job-snatchers'. I was tempted to fill in their membership form under the name of 'Mr P Niss, 2 Bollocks Street, Shuvitupyerjacksington, CL1 NTS', but that would just be petty, wouldn't it? Besides, despite a sign on the form assuring me that my information would be 'Data Protection SECURE', wasn't it the BNP whose membership list was comprehensively leaked last November?

Mind you, it wasn't just the BNP cashing in on, er, St George fever today. The lovely Laura Sandys, Tory candidate for South Thanet, also dropped by with her latest literature which among other gems tells us that the Blue Rinsers have been 'pushing KCC to secure a pedestrian crossing for Queens Street' here in the Millionaires' Playground, and had 'brought Keith Ferrin who is responsible for roads to see for himself the traffic along Queen Street'. Well is it 'Queens Street' or 'Queen Street' where you want the crossing, Laura? Do make your mind up, it could make all the difference!

Of course, all this leafletting is courtesy of the county and European elections on 4 June. We're also meant to be voting for our very own, teeny-tiny town council here in Ramsgate on the same day. But it all seems to have gone very quiet on that front. I was expecting to have heard the word of G O'D by now, but not a sausage!

Reboot?

Up in the smoke (London) for more filming mullarkey this week, I spotted an interesting suggestion in yesterday's Metro freesheet concerning world-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, who was on the critical list at Addenbrookes Hospital in Cambridge on Monday.

The cartoon, by Brook, ponders whether the specialists have tried turning the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics off and then on again. Well, it seems to work for most technology!

No More Sweet Dreams At Dreamlanders' Hotel

Lumme! Reader Linda informs me that the Forbury Hotel in Reading has gone into administration!

'Wassat gorra do with Thanet?' I hear you ask. Well, be patient and I'll reveal all. The Forbury was opened with many a trump in 2006. Described as 'Reading's poshest hotel' (not hard) and the home of Daniel Galmiche's (Who he? - Ed.) fine dining restaurant Eden, the Forbury was created by parent company Waterbridge, none other than the owners of Margate's very own car-park-cum-charcoal-factory Dreamland!

The administrators have now been called in, and the local goss is that, you've guessed it, the development will now be transformed into 'boutique' apartments!

Read it in the Reading Evening Post

Lydd Skid

As you know, these days I don't often get involved in aviation matters. I leave that to the Smegheads. But one of my eagle-eyed readers has spotted the Lydd Airport Action Group which is campaigning against a planning application to expand Kent's Other International Airport, pointing the finger at our very own Chas 'n' Dave International as 'operationally superior' to Lydd, even if the expansion goes ahead, quoting 'unrestricted airspace'.

Now I may be wrong, but the last time I saw Romney Marsh it was mainly inhabited by sheep, as opposed to Ramsgate which is home to more listed buildings than Bath and more millionaires than a Moscow brothel. Sure, there's the small issue of a couple of nuclear power stations on the Lydd flight path, but really! I'm reliably informed by the rocket scientists at British Energy that all nuclear power stations are built to withstand the impact of a 747 anyway, so no problem there. Plus Lydd is soooooo much handier for the high speed Chunnel rail link!

Presumably the only real concern the Lydd Airport Action Group has is that 400 tonnes of low-flying, jet-propelled aluminium might blast the thatch off their twee, 16th Century hairy-roofed bastard. Which, er, is pretty much my concern actually. Except I've got a listed Victorian with Kent pegs. At least the Lyddites have been presented with a planning application. Here on Chavvy Island it's a quick council meeting and, whoops, 747s 24/7!

So in a spirit of tit-for-tat, I must now declare Lydd/London Ashford Airport the 'airport of the future'. And, in my capacity as an experienced consultant to the likes of British Airways, I shall be heartily recommending Lydd as London's Fourth Airport!

Lyddites' website
London Ashford Airport - Airport of the Future!

Vexillatious Question

Many thanks for all your sackfuls of entries to my Find A Flag For Fannit competition! Special appreciation goes to regular contributors Mark, Dick, Millicent, and Mr Dickens of Broadstairs. Er, actually they were the only people who entered.

So, the competition is now closed, and the panel of judges (me) have made their final decision. And the winner is... [drum roll] Dick! I've had my team of highly trained graphic designers cast their glass eyes over your design, and they've made some alterations. Here's the final look:

The background colours have been changed to reflect our glorious sandy beaches, chalk cliffs and clear blue skies, whilst retaining your motif of the North Foreland lighthouse surrounded by the sand and grassy tussocks of Joss Bay. Oh, and following an unaccustomed attack of modesty, I asked them to keep my physog off it. I look forward to seeing the flag flying proudly from all our public buildings, and engraved into the walls of Thanet's toilet cubicles, in the very near future.

Congratulations Dick, and your bottle of Dom(estos) is chilling here at the old cliff top mansion ready for you take advantage of at your convenience!

Strip Tease

Well if you haven't gone out and got your copy of the Isle of Thanet Gazunder yet, here's what you're missing (click on the image to enlarge):

Breaking News - Tory Leadership Challenge?

Crikey! A fairly reliable rumour has just reached the Eastcliff lugholes that there's likely to be an imminent challenge to the hegemony of our beloved Thanet Tory twosome, Sandy Beach and his deputy, Roger OBE-Wan Kenobi!

It's not the first time speculation about their departure has rocked the isle. But this time there seems to be a real momentum of discontent after Sandy and Roger's latest rap from the standards wallahs. Given the hostile nature of politics here on Kent's Ramsgate Peninsula, it's not surprising that Pleistocene Conservatives, who could probably hold their own in a bar brawl let alone the council chamber, have been kings of the Thanet jungle for the last million years. But if you hadn't noticed (they certainly haven't), they're rather out of step with Cuddly Dave and his chums, with their greenwash and mutterings of 'consensus politics'.

From a personal viewpoint I've made quite a few Fannit friends through this blog, a fair number of whom are Tories who've felt quite repelled by the vituperative nature of local politics and the old stylee emphasis on locking of horns, rather than getting together to take on the monumental task of pulling the area up by its bootstraps. So if a change at the top leads to more walk and less talk, I, for one, am all for it.

To gauge wider opinion, I've popped another of my 7 day polls in the sidebar on the right. It's a simple 'yes' or 'no' question - 'Should the current leadership bow out now?' Preferably gracefully, so we don't have to spend any more taxpayers' sponds on all that standards mullarkey!

Turnip Growing

Having been put in charge of thumb twiddling this week (with special responsibility for arse scratching), I thought I'd don my CelebProtect™ Kevlar stab vest and point my immensely powerful motorcycle and commensurately miniscule dangly bits in the direction of the Smoke (Margate) yesterday evening.

The Anthea Turner Centre, due to open in 2010 or 2011 depending on which statement by that ruddy faced man from KCC you believe, is already beginning to dominate the skyline, serving as a beacon of hope for Bentley loving architects, builders, developers of luxury apartments and arts consultants for miles around. That said, it really is quite impressive. Although the inhabitants of the 5 star Fort Road Hotel and Arcadian gated development opposite look set to be robbed of their sea views. And future visitors might well be put out by the trundlings of Margate's Thunderbirds-style lifeboat which will still have to go past the front of the gallery to launch.

There's only hoarding to see from the pointlessly de-dualled Fart Hill, but if you sneak round the front, as I did, you get a much better view:


Cleary the place is going to be well-appointed for khazis with all this pipework they're putting in:

Let's hope the millions of visitors they predict spend more than just a penny!

Carry On - Follow That Hearse!

In Memoriam
Peter Rogers
Producer of the Carry On films

So farewell
Then, Peter Rogers.

'Infamy, infamy
They've all got it
In for me!'
That was
Your catchphrase.

'I want to be
Wooed!'
'You can be as
Wude as you like
With me, Matron!'
That was another.

I can't really
Top that.

Bungdit Din of Jacksie,
King of the Burpas (29)

The Train Corridors Of Power

Photo: Michael's Bookshop

Regular contributor Mr Dickens of Broadstairs writes:

Good morning Dick,

Mrs Dickens of Broadstairs was taking the kids to London for a day trip this morning via Broadstairs station. Who should get on at Margate but Minister for Transport Lord Adonis, who is on a five day journey on the railways to experience travel from the punters' perspective.

His first unpleasant experience, familiar to us all, was being approached by an old nutter who started jabbering on to him about Manston airport. No problem with flights, planes come in over the sea, very little housing blighted etc. The old gipper carried on in this vein, saying that South Eastern railways were reluctant to put in a gateway station from Manston because of their franchise being rather short etc. The earbending continued until the geezer got off at Faversham (probably worried about ticket inspectors) and his Lordship could finally enjoy his latte in peace.

Fortunately the wizened earbender gave away his identity by leaving behind his rolled up copy of Sporting Life with 'R Gale' scrawled in the top left hand corner. I thought they had a large building in London where this sort of thing gets discussed, not a public carriage for all to hear. Perhaps the signs saying 'No personal stereos', 'No feet on the seats' etc could also have an extra line, viz: 'No boomy-voiced local MPs pushing Manston'.

Your rail correspondent, The Fat Controller

Well Mr D of B, it seems Lord Absolutely-Gorgeous had his lughole well and truly chewed off there by Sir Rodge. Shame most of it was probably twaddle!

Lord lords it on the trains in The Times