Piss Poor Joke

Reader Samantha writes:

With ITV announcing annual losses today of more than £100m, I was wondering if anyone else had noticed the similarity between their latest station ident and Broadstairs high street after the revellers have departed on a Friday night? With Folk Week about to hit us, will ITV be urinating even more money up against Tesco's wall?

Broadstairs by day

Broadstairs by night

Street Cleaners Take A/The P*ss

Regular reader Kate writes:

A couple of weeks ago my mother and I spotted one of our TDC street cleaners in the shared communal alleyway opposite our place. Originally I thought he was clearing away some of the left over rubbish. But he did not, he unzipped his fly and pee'd.

He then made a great pretence of looking to collect rubbish and walked off. We had noted in the past he had some unusual habits like drinking leftover bottles of alcoholic liquid.

Anyway we did nothing and thought best to let it pass. Then earlier this week we passed a communal courtyard again to a block of flats. There was a dust-cart/trolley all on it's own, with a different road sweeper peeing up against the wall beneath one of the windows of the flat. This time mum told him that it was not acceptable, and he grumbled off saying: 'I don't bloody care'.

We phoned the TDC customer relations line to speak to the head of the waste disposal team, who had his voicemail on, so mum left a message. We waited all day for a return of our call. The very next day the original offender was back in the alleyway and we saw him yet again unzip and pee.

So in light of it all, you may have rubbish in your street, but at least your operatives aren't adding to it!

Give My Regards To Broadstairs

Just back from a night of carousing with my Dickensian chums in Boredstares. Actually the place seemed eerily quiet, with landlords complaining that business had slumped. Still, I only had to tiptoe past a couple of rivulets of urine rather than the usual torrent that gushes down the high street at the witching hour, so every cloud has a silver lining.

Looking up from my pint of Masterspew (I've yet to find an establishment that stocks the Gaddfather's finest over there), I spotted a familiar face. None other than my old showbiz chum Simon, er... Simon... of Trevor and Simon fame! Or, er, it might have been Trevor, I could never really distinguish between the two. Trevor and Simon were, of course, the comedy duo on the BBC's Saturday morning kids show Going Live! Sort of the Ant and Dec of the 90s. Except that Ant and Dec were the Ant and Dec of the 90s. And the 00s come to think of it.

Sadly I haven't seen much of Trevor and/or Simon on the old idiot lantern recently. Perhaps, like me, his and/or his career is suffering from the Thanet Effect. Although not a day goes by without me bumping into Timothy Spall trundling around our Royal Harbour, and he's in everything. There's hope yet!

Museum Destined To Be History

Those blighters at the council look set to close our Royal Harbour's splendid Maritime Museum! The news is tucked away in the corner of this week's Gazunder feature on the council's 2008 budget. The Blue Rinsers are apparently considering withdrawing the museum's grant as part of urgent cost-cutting measures.

But the news is not all bad, as they'll be diverting more resources into keeping the town centre spick and span - by closing the public khazis. Presumably the idea is that the resulting rivers of piss running down the high street will sluice the litter into the harbour. And with no museum to attract visitors, a wee smell or two in the harbour won't go amiss! Genius!

Hello Clampers

Regular reader Wee Willy Watcher has sent me this photograph, along with the following text:

I spotted the Operation Cubit car crushers out today taking this away. It almost perfectly matches the description of the car used by the Phantom Urinator of Olde Ramsgate Town who I've emailed you about before. Almost because teh make and model is the same but its not a Latvian plate. I may have made a mistake about that in the dark so I apologise to our Eastern European guests (the guy was speaking some kind of Eastern European lingo though).

Ah, justice. It's a wonderful thing! Although crushing someone's car for having a tinkle in the street might well be construed as taking the p*ss!

Bit Of A Pisser

Reader Wee Willy Watcher (presumably not his/her real name) has emailed the following:

Are there any laws in this country against urinating in public? I have witnessed the same man urinate in public on Augusta Road twice now. He is of Eastern European origin as he always indulges in this little ritual come rain or shine, day or night, before he gets into, or just after he gets out of a 1980s Latvian plated blue Golf Polo with his mate.

Is there nothing that anyone can do to stop this appalling antisocial behaviour?

Well, er, Willy, I think the poor chap deserves our potty, I mean pity, as there's clearly something wrong with his plumbing if he's getting caught short in the street.

Still, the distinct whiff of stale wee-wee around the place isn't doing much for property prices I can tell you, so does anybody have a suggestion as to how to stop the Phantom Urinator of Old Ramsgate Town?

Yellow River

Cripes! I'm going to have to change my route to the blasted newsagents. After almost being mown down by half a dozen burly rozzers on their way to a drug raid yesterday, this morning I came across a fellow urinating up against a building in precisely the same spot.

It's bad enough having to dodge the barker's nests, let alone tip-toeing through human waste as well. Needless to say all I got was a grunt and the finger when I asked him if he had a wee problem.