Blue Is The Colour

In the county council elections, that is. The duffers will be running the county for another four years. I'm off to open a vein.

Update: Green (LAB) and Kirby (CON) elected to KCC in Ramsgate. Biggest loser was the racist from the BNP, with Gerry O'Ramsgate second last.

Update: Ramsgate's teeny-tiny council has no single party in control. 7 CON, 7 LAB (including car-crushing councillor Dave Green, hurrah!), and two independents - Ralph 'Mr Ramsgate' Hoult and Gerry 'Ramsgate First' O'Donnell. Click here for full results.

Click here for KCC's results map. However it crashed under the strain this afternoon. Piss-ups, breweries, etc etc

Thanet Earth Leaves Bad Taste In Mouth

This new G-Swiz I'm 'driving' isn't a patch on the old Toyota Priapus! It seems to spend most of its time plugged into the mains. Which is why I was forced to run the gauntlet of the Thanet Loop earlier on a trip to the quack.

Adhering to the half gallon of sticky stuff that some kind soul had redecorated the floor of the bus with was today's Daily Wail. Now ordinarily I wouldn't even use the thing to wipe the Eastcliff derriere, but a headline caught my eye: The Franken Veg Factory - UK Scientists Will Soon Be Artificially Growing Millions Of Lettuces That'll Never See The Sun, Rain Or Soil. A typically snappy Wail headline, as I'm sure you'll agree, but at least it wasn't the usual claim that monkey toenails are the new wonder cure for cancer, or that lip balm can give you Alzheimers.

Quick as a flash, the Eastcliff braincells pondered: 'I wonder if they're talking about those delicious, juicy toms and tasty green peppers from Thanet Earth that our local rags are constantly telling us about?' So I scraped the paper off the floor, and there among the talk of 'factory farms', 'nightmares' and 'grown in Rockwool' was, indeed, Thanet Earth! How dare they put the wind up us with their tales of 'huge mountains of almost-impossible-to-recycle waste', their 'massive drain... on local water resources' and their 'huge carbon footprints'. Kuh! Scaremongering Tory bastards!

Oh well, the quack says it should clear up if I keep applying the lip balm. If only I could remember where I put it. About half past one, seeing as you ask.

We've created a monster! in Daily Mail
Curry may fight dementia

Did You Know?

Matt Clarke, the fresh-faced Kiwi boss of Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport, is also the editor of the Marlowe Academy's teenzine Oi!

Oi!
Oirport!

Green Day

Now that the beer-à-rear's finally cleared up after Tuesday night's garglethon, I suppose I ought to be making my mind up (as Thanet's newest celeb would say) about who to vote for in today's electoral bunfight.

As you know, we're blessed with three elections in one day here in the Millionaires' Playground - Euro, county and for the first time ever, teeny-tiny town council. Now, any unfortunate who has studied this outpouring of unadulterated drivel since its inception way back in 2006 will know that I'm naturally of a Libdem bent. But there's no Libdem action in these parts to speak of, and I'd rather stick pins in my willy than vote Conservative. Which is why my ballot paper will be green all the way. That is - caff-crushing, car-crushing Councillor David Green (Lab) for the teeny-tiny council; Mrs caff-crushing, car-crushing Councillor Elizabeth Green (Lab) for the county council; and the lovely Caroline Lucas (Green) for the Euro nonsense.

Why? Well all three seem prepared to stick up for the rights of individuals over international conglomerates like Infratil who want to fly knackered old 747s over my head all night every night, that's why. Yes, I know there are other candidates who have similar views, but frankly they are jokes. At the local level, both Lord and Lady Green have been councillors in these parts for yonks. And in my opinion they do a pretty good job. Yes, I know they belong to a party whose leader is about as much use as a chocolate teapot and whose cabinet appears to be even shakier than the one my Aunt Mavis bought from the late, lamented MFI last year. But local is what counts in these elections, and they're the best people for the job in my humble opinion.

This may seem rather disloyal to the man responsible for gaining us a town council in the first place, Ramsgate First's One and Only Gerry O'Donnell, who is also standing in the East Cliff ward for both county and town councils. And it's true, he's a nice enough fellow, and his teeny-tiny ice cream kiosk is a real asset to the area. His heart is definitely in the right place - Ramsgate - but on a broader political front he has some rather, er, quaint ideas which don't chime in with my showbiz liberal streak. He really does appear to have dropped an enormous political bollock by telling SmegHead Steve Higgins that he has no right to complain about the airport because he hasn't lived here long enough. Not very inclusive of the DFLs (comme moi) who are the town's lifeblood there, eh Gerry?

Still, whoever you're voting for, the main thing is - make sure you vote!

Ramsgate BNP Candidate Offered Kent Journalist £5000 To 'Go Home'

Now you might think the best way to treat the BNP would be to ignore them. And ordinarily I'd do just that. But Dennis Whiting, their county council candidate for Ramsgate, deserves an outing.

The 75 year old former librarian, who hails not from Ramsgate but Whitstable, offered Whitstable Times reporter Constance Lee £5000 during an interview in 2006 to return to her parents' homeland of Malaysia. Remember, this is the party that claims it's not racist. Dennis the Pennis told Lee, who was born in Kent: 'People from the Far East, Asia and Africa are less capable of being able to assimilate because different racial characteristics lead to different cultural characteristics. We don't think it's a good thing that the whole world should end up coffee-coloured.'

Tell that to the Gurkhas, Dennis. Among his other electoral gems, the prospective county (without the 'O') councillor calls Ramsgate 'run down', says he plans to fine any company that employs foreign workers, and lauds St Augustine for landing in Cliffsend to 'evangelise the Anglo-Saxons' so 'we became a great Christian nation'. Hmm, for a former librarian, he ain't got much of a handle on history, has he? Last time I looked, St Augustine was an Italian immigrant, and Jesus Christ was from Judea. Using Dennis's twisted logic, they should both have been banned, surely?

Dennis the Racist story in Press Gazette
Full list of candidates in Ramsgate

How Does Your Garden Grow?

I'm indebted to regular contributor Walter for pointing me towards the Natural History Museum's Postcode Plants Database. The idea's simple. You just pop in the first part of your postcode et voila! All the native flora recorded in your area is listed!

So having entered CT11, I found an extensive list of everything from Annual Beard Grass (something you see a lot down the Belgian Bar), to Black Bog-rush (the morning after a night in the Belgian Bar). Yep, from Nipplewort to Rough Chervil, from Stinking Goosefoot to Man Orchid, it's all there. It even gives Latin names, lists everything under type (e.g annual, biennial, perennial, creeper etc), has photos of many of the plants, and recommends which would be suitable for the garden here at the old cliff top mansion.

Right! I'm off down the garden centre toute de suite to grab myself a Stinking Iris!

Postcode flora at Natural History Museum

From Drags To Riches

In Memoriam
Danny La Rue
Cross-dressing entertainer

So farewell
Then, Danny La Rue.

You were sort of
A former-day
Eddie Izzard.
But with
More songs.

Like many of the
Old timers
You lived
In these parts.
My dad
Once worked
With you at
The Winter Gardens.

Dad died
On that
Occasion.
Now you have
Too.

E. C. Richard (29)

PS: Mr Eastcliff Senior was invited to a celebrity wedding in Great Yarmouth in 1977. D La R was giving away some old tug from Corrie or Crossroads or some such. Pater took along his super 8 camera, so here's a short clip from the Eastcliff home movie archive. It's silent. And, er, a bit shaky. But then showbiz and the DTs tend to go hand in hand like that. Danny's the one in the beige suit, not the orange dress, in case you're wondering.

Restaurant News

Hurrah! It looks as if the Millionaires' Playground is to get yet another fine dining experience! Not only is the Cannes of Kent home to one of the best eateries in the south east, Age & Sons (dubbed 'the finest restaurant in Thanet' in today's Observer), but now top chef John Burton Race is re-opening Harveys, on Ramsgate's rip-roaring royal harbour, as a fantastic fish restaurant.

According to the excellent yourfannitinnit, JBR has coughed up 250 big ones to transform this formerly hideous boozer, which has been boarded up for the last year, into the dogfish's bollocks of piscine cuisine. The celebrity chef already has Michelin-rated nosheries under his belt. Shame, though, that Thanet College alumnus Gary Rhodes, who was once rumoured to have been in the frame to open up here, seems to have got cold feet. His puddings are yum! Of course, we already have one fish restaurant on the Croisette - Atlantis. But being a Thorley establishment I have to say from experience that that's more like Captain Digby Deluxe.

So, Ramsgate now has two top restaurants to Margate's one (the superb Indian Princess). And as reported exclusively by yours truly, Eddie Gilbert the fishmonger on Ramsgate's 'King Street will soon be serving fish and chips fit for a, er, king. But what about the poor old Dickensians? Surely the betweeded grannies, second homers and perma-tanned builders' wives in Boredstares deserve something a bit better than scampi in a basket? The deliciously delightful Oscar Road Cafe is all well and good for the best crab sandwiches in Kent during the day, but what about sophisticated dining once the sun's gone down? Well, step forward this joint:

Restaurant 54, the new gaff at the top of Harbour Street, opposite the Dolphin meat market. It's had umpteen different guises in the past few years, prompting the double glazing and conservatory millionaires who were leaving as I passed by last night to ponder whether the name referred to the number of owners it's had since the turn of the century.

Still, from what I overheard they appeared to have enjoyed their meal, and of course it was only a short waddle for them down the hill to Harpers wine bar, where they no doubt rounded off the evening by larging it with the WAGS (of other double glazing and conservatory millionaires) before belling the missus to come and chauffeur them back to Kingsgate in the old V8 Range Rover.

Harveys in yourfannitinnit
The Observer raves about Thanet - and Age & Sons
Er, John Burton Race declares himself bankrupt

East Of The Wantsum

For those of you too mean, or poor, to cough up 60p for your Isle of Thanet Gazunder, here's this week's East of the Wantsum (click on image to enlarge). And if you want to see your idea turned into newsprint next week, just drop me a line at:

richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk.

Not that, um, I'm getting desperate for ideas or anything.

The paper currently appears obsessed with spooky goings on. The front page was devoted to Councillor Mark Nottingham's house being struck by lightning, and I see they're running a story on their website about a huge, triangular object spotted a mile off Ramsgate on Google Earth, thus cementing the island's place as the UFO capital of Britain. Not to mention the Stella capital, spliff capital, methodone capital and generally silly-as-a-bum-full-of-Smarties capital.

All this talk of UFOs gives me the perfect excuse to publish a hitherto unpublished snap which one of my lovely Thanet readers sent me back in February. Is it a star? Is it the International Space Station? And, more importantly, why is it tugging a banner with all those numbers on???

Bad Sign

Apologies for the bluriness of this snap, but it's rather hard to focus as you're hurtling down the Thanet Way at a breakneck 40mph in the brand new G-Wiz that you've just picked up from the London dealer, desperately looking for a power point to plug into in the next three miles.

Anyhow, have you spotted the deliberate error in this new tourist sign yet? No? Well I'll tell you then. According to my copy of the Highway Code, that 'M' next to Margate denotes 'Museum'. And as we all know, the council closed Margate's museum a while ago. So now we have a new, out-of-date sign which replaces the old, out-of-date sign which directed everyone to the closed/burnt out Dreamland. Kushti!

The Apprentice - Ramsgate Was Robbed!

The persistent word among the local millionaires is that the BBC initially wanted to bring Sralan and his apprentices to Ramsgate rather than Margate for this series of the popular business cock- (or increasingly hen-) fights.

The Beeb's researcher apparently rang one of the council's Ramsgate offices, but was referred under standing orders to the Cecil Square propaganda unit who presumably rubbed their hands with glee and said: 'Nah - you don't wanna go there. Come and see how we're spending £60m (allegedly) regenerating Margate instead!' The rest, as we now know, is history.

While we're on the topic of the Margate episode, I must extend my sincere apologies to Mr Dickens of Broadstairs whose Apprentice-related email has been languishing in my inbox for the past couple of weeks, awaiting a suitable peg to hang it on. Mr D of B had some very sound ideas about promoting Margate, including a large poster of our beloved leader in his Cecil Square office with the caption: 'Margate welcomes tourists - you f*cking tossers!' and a traditional view of the Margate skyline in flames with the tagline: 'Experience the excitement of the Blitz from your guest house window.' Nice one, Mr D of B!

My Other Plane's A Herc

Holy earplugs! Is it open day at Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport or something? What with an unmarked military Hercules going round and round in incessant circles, the Pfizer exec jet, a helicopter and a knackered old 737 doing the rounds, anyone would think they were trying to persuade a potential buyer that it was a going concern. I've had to turn the old Bang and Olufsen up to 11 just to hear myself think!

As one reader who's just emailed me put it: 'Perhaps it's like the last days of Saigon and that nice Kiwi chap who's in charge will be the last one to leave from the roof of the terminal building at sunset.' Or are San Dee Zeek-il and his North Thanet junta preparing their last minute escape? One can only hope, I suppose.

Will the last person to leave please turn out the landing lights?

Swarm Weather

Regular contributor Walter has sent me this splendid snap, adding that he had 50-80 of these Painted Ladies in his Ramsgate garden yesterday.

According to that font of all lepidopteral knowledge, The Sun, millions of these huge African butterflies are invading Britain because they love our weather. Hmm. Haven't seen that on the BNP's election leaflets. The paper adds:

More and more Painted Ladies are expected to make the 1,000-mile flight from their native North Africa if climate change continues to bring milder winters and warmer summers. Richard Fox, of the Butterfly Conservation charity, said: 'If we have a good year there will be one in every garden in Britain.'

Did you know? The term 'painted lady' can also refer to gaily decorated Victorian and Edwardian houses, and to the majority of builders' wives in Broadstairs.

Butterflies in The Sun

San Dee Zeek-Il Spotted In Margate

Margatonians were treated to a rare glimpse of their normally reclusive leader San Dee Zeek-il at the North Thanet Party Rally and People's Motorcycle Festival yesterday. Reader Adem managed to whip out his Box Brownie in time to snap off a piccie. As you can see, Chairman Zeek-il was accompanied by his lovely wife Cher-il Zeek-il, Deputy Chairman Roh Char Lach-for, and Party Administrator Ree Char Samoo-el:

May's Bank Holiday

Good to see my old Top Gear chum James May meandering around the Arsonists' Playground this afternoon. Unlike last year's washout, today's sunshine made Margate Meltdown, and the Ace Cafe's throbfest was rocking with rockers. And one or two mods.

What with the harbour arm packed with stalls and visitors too, it actually looked as if some thought had been put into it. Shame that stallholders were given free parking, though, while ratepayers were made to pay. But hey-ho, you can't have it all.

If only our beloved council would make an effort to put on these sorts of events here in the south. However, as previously reported, they managed to balls up our only annual shindig, the Powerboat Weekend. Seems like all we pay our council tax for here in Ramsgate is the privilege of having knackered old jumbos fly over us. Still, there's a grand old thunderstorm rumbling around the Millionaires' Playground right now. At least they can't take that away from us!

Outrage Over North Thanet S-Bomb Test

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder World Affairs Editor Hugh Jorgan

North Thanet has made good on its threat to carry out a second test of its biological 'stink bomb', provoking a strong reaction from South Thanet leaders.

The device was let off in the Margate harbour area this weekend, creating a stench that scientists say may well outlast religion. Previously it was thought that North Thanet lacked the technology to deliver the dirty bomb, but experts now believe the mad boffins in Cecil Square have made a breakthrough and could soon be targeting other towns on the Thanet peninsula, including the South Thanet capital Ramsgate.

South Thanet spokesman Richard Eastcliff told the Gazunder: 'Our highly sensitive pong detectors registered an event at around low tide with its epicentre somewhere north of Margate old town. This is the same area where the last test was conducted in 2006'. North Thanet is currently constructing a 'Turner Centre' on the site which some think may be a cover for processing the large amounts of rotting seaweed and raw sewage needed for the S-bomb.

World leaders have rushed to condemn North Thanet's volatile Chairman San Dee Zeek-il following the news. At a hastily arranged press conference, prime minister Gordon Brown said he would be keeping an eye on the situation as soon as he'd fished it out of its case on the bedside cabinet.

Sand Dee Zeek-il is 59.

Going Through The Motions

Confirmation (if it was needed) today from the Marine Conservation Society that you're better off in Ramsgate if you want to avoid E. Coli this bank holiday weekend.

The MCS's 2009 Good Beach Guide describes Ramsgate Main Sands as 'an excellent family beach' which 'receives regular awards', and gives it the five star seal of approval borriewise. Hurrah! Contrast that with Margate, which failed to get a recommendation and could only manage a 'basic pass' for water quality, adjacent to the ominous words 'combined sewer overflow, tertiary discharge'. Yurgh! The MCS also had a downer on Viking Bay in Broadstairs, which the many people who have returned from a swim there only to find themselves fetching up with a touch of the old bubonic plague will no doubt testify to.

What with that and Ramsgate being the only Blue Flag beach of the three this year, plus today's forecast predicting a scorching weekend for the tip of Kent, you'd better get down to the Millionaires' Playground and grab your champagne sorbets before they're all gone!

Good Beach Guide 2009
Borries bring down the tone of Britain's beaches
Ramsgate gets the Blue Flag
Phew! It's going to be a scorcher!

Ripper! It's Ramsgate!

Merde! It's Margate!

Sign Wave

Crumbs! Tooling back from a cheese and wine evening in Whitstable last night, I noticed the Dreamland signs at the end of the Thanet Way had finally disappeared. And only three years after the pleasure park itself became defunct!

A new brown sign (how appropriate) now directs drivers to the varying delights of 'Thanet'. Ramsgate's there, although I'm wondering how long it'll take the local wags to scrawl a 'W' next to the anchor underneath. Other posts were awaiting signage, presumably to the Ike and Tina Turner Centre, and Chas 'n' Dave Margate International Airport. Or perhaps we'll be getting the long awaited 'Thanet - Home of Chinese Globalisation'!

Election Fever

So far only the LibDems, UKIP and the British Nazi Party have poked their election literature through the letterbox here at the old CTM.

The similarity between what UKIP are flogging and the BNP's strident shite is striking. Whilst Nigel Farage's lot have gone for well-known former UKIP leader Winston Churchill on the front cover (whatever happened to that mahogany-stained ex-TV presenter who used to be in charge?), the white supremacists feature a cuddly, Anglo-Saxon family alongside a suitably sepia-ed Spitfire and the slogan 'The NEW Battle for Britain'. I have to say, in purely literal terms, the BNP's message is the more positive: 'YES to putting British People First', contrasted with UKIP's 'SAY NO to European Union'.

Meanwhile, the LibDems showcase a totally faceless gimp in a suit cosying up to a couple of unknown, middle-aged harridans dressed in what I like to refer to as 'Human Resources mufti'. All three are grinning like loons. Presumably this is the LibDems' idea of what the average British family looks like these days, viz one gay guy and his bull dyke flatmates. Typically, they have a less than catchy slogan: 'Britain and our neighbours - stronger together, poorer apart'.

So far nought from the Blue, Red or Green Rinsers. No doubt it's on its way. Of course, these guys are after our Eurovotes on 4 June, but here in the Cannes of Kent we have two other elections occurring simultaneously, namely county council and teeny-tiny council. I look forward to seeing what the Ramsgate First And Only candidate, Gerry O'Ramsgate, has to say. My only recollection of his policies is that he favours marked out parking spaces over residents' permits as a solution to the East Cliff's congested streets, on the basis that it would prevent confused and hormonal lady drivers from taking up too much room. Clearly going for the female vote there, eh Gerry!

Dry And Windy

Just back from a druid meet at one of the local caves, and toddling along our trendy East Cliff I was struck by the amount of traffic going in and out of our splendid port here in the Millionaires' Playground. A veritable armada of specialist barges, tugs and lord knows what, much of which seems connected to the two offshore fart farms that will soon be blighting the sea views off Margate and Boredstares. No sign of those fast cats from Euroferries yet, though.

Whilst Ramsgate cements its environmental credentials as the Windy City, further along we appear to be suffering a drought:

Our Mediterranean style Madeira Falls have been dry for weeks now. The council sign appended to the railings explains:

Albion Gardens Waterfall Refurbishment - Thanet District Council apologises for any inconvenience during the cleaning and repairs to the waterfall. Following the cleaning of the silt and cutting back of vegetation, work is being undertaken to infill any cracks in the pulhamite rocks with specialist sands and material to match the original render provided in the 19th Century. This work required warmer weather and could not be carried out in the winter. It is hoped to have the works complete and the waterfall in operation at the start of June.

So now you know. No sign on the Festival of Britain fountain next to the luxury Granville Theatre and Cinem, though. That's also been dry for weeks. And this area:

where the council overturned a preservation order so they could grub out the trees and shrubs doesn't look as if it'll be replanted any time soon. As we know from recent events in Cliftonville, the Cecil Square duffers don't seem to rate flowers beds at the moment. Or are they just reluctant to spend any money in Ramsgate in the hope that the Town Council, when it's elected on 4 June, will have to pick up the tab?