Things have reached such a low ebb over on the north side that even Roy Chubby Brown won't go there.
According to our local red top today, the comedian has pulled out of his June gig at the Winter Gardens 'due to unforeseen circumstances'.
I suggest that the 'unforeseen circumstances' were that somebody finally plucked up the courage to tell him he'd been booked in Margate.
Not to worry, however, because on the very next page I see that our magnificent boys in blue have come up with a plan to find a replacement. After a brainstorming session in their canteen across the road from the venue, they're "building a portfolio" on some pot smoking, foul mouthed drunks that are causing havoc here in the Millionaires' Playground.
Fans of Chubby's unique style of humour shouldn't get their hopes up too quickly, though. A Thanet police spokesman is quoted as saying: "It may not seem as if anything is happening on the surface".
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Pillock Of The Community
I say, I've woken up this morning with a terrific thirst and a thumping great headache.
Looking over the past few posts, I have absolutely no recollection of writing them. The last thing I remember was Angela popping in late on Sunday afternoon. As ever, she'd been house hunting in the area, and had brought along a bag full of home made cakes that her niece Daisybell had prepared. They were delicious, and I pigged the lot.
Oh well, the cliff's still crumbling, the lift's still not working, Madeira Falls is still dry, the multi-storey flagpole's been vandalised, and there's still a cloud of thick black smoke to the north. I even accidentally touched base with a barker's nest on my walk this morning.
Good to know that all's still wrong with the world.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Pull Your Socks Up
As if car crushing wasn't a unique talent in its own right, our viridescent local councillor Dave Green is now applying his superhuman powers to the Uranian accounts department.
I don't really understand the small print (I usually leave all that sort of stuff to Raymond, my business manager), but it would seem that a lot of stuff that should have gone out to tender, er, hasn't. Oh yes, and there's not been any proper internal auditing, whatever that means.
Let's hope they haven't spent all our money on 'hosiery'! (If you don't get that, ask your Grandad).
Anyway, I don't care about any of that stuff any more. I'm off to pimp my ride.
I don't really understand the small print (I usually leave all that sort of stuff to Raymond, my business manager), but it would seem that a lot of stuff that should have gone out to tender, er, hasn't. Oh yes, and there's not been any proper internal auditing, whatever that means.
Let's hope they haven't spent all our money on 'hosiery'! (If you don't get that, ask your Grandad).
Anyway, I don't care about any of that stuff any more. I'm off to pimp my ride.
Blue Peter Flag
The hurdy-gurdy loving, train set building Dickensians in Broadstairs will be pleased to see that Viking Bay got it's Blue Flag award back today. Arsongate appears to have done well, too, so that's definitely the end of all my comments about 'floaters' and 'going through the motions'.
Anyway, I don't care about that any more. I've got plenty of pot, and a 22 stone prostitute to keep me happy. Nobody touches the bear, you dig?
Anyway, I don't care about that any more. I've got plenty of pot, and a 22 stone prostitute to keep me happy. Nobody touches the bear, you dig?
Huggy Bear
That pen/gun, watch/laser chappie over on Thanet Life appears to have got the measure of me. He's painted a pretty accurate picture of my secret life as a dope dealing pimp, and now, I'm afraid, I have to come clean. Let's look at the facts:
1. I'm a millionaire with a cliff top mansion and a posh car.
2. I know lots of celebrities.
3. I once met David Soul.
It all stacks up, doesn't it? And now I cannot stand the pressure of maintaining my anonymity any longer. I am, in fact, Huggy Bear out of Starsky and Hutch.
1. I'm a millionaire with a cliff top mansion and a posh car.
2. I know lots of celebrities.
3. I once met David Soul.
It all stacks up, doesn't it? And now I cannot stand the pressure of maintaining my anonymity any longer. I am, in fact, Huggy Bear out of Starsky and Hutch.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Spying A Bargain
Gently surfing the internet this afternoon, I came across a mention of Ramsgate on the MI6 website. In their feature, the super spies sing the praises of East Kent, and predict a massive rise in property prices once the new high speed rail links are in place in 2009.
"All of a sudden, places such as Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Sandwich and Deal will become not just seaside holiday destinations, but viable residential locations for working people who want to get to town and back in a day - and still have time to take the dog for a walk when they get home."
Music to my ears, of course, and, even better, no mention of those shabby locations in the north of the Ile!
"All of a sudden, places such as Ramsgate, Broadstairs, Sandwich and Deal will become not just seaside holiday destinations, but viable residential locations for working people who want to get to town and back in a day - and still have time to take the dog for a walk when they get home."
Music to my ears, of course, and, even better, no mention of those shabby locations in the north of the Ile!
Lunch
Just back from a long lunch and a spot of retail therapy at Bluewater with Elton. He just had to have the £400 pepper grinder from John Lewis for his new house in Brussels. I told him that, if he had waited a couple of years, he could have bought a new house in Brussels for a lot less, just up the road at Westwood.
I couldn't help noticing that the shopping centre was bedecked with banners advertising a new 'Five in One' bra. I suppose one must rejoice that at last the lingerie industry is catering for the udder woman.
I couldn't help noticing that the shopping centre was bedecked with banners advertising a new 'Five in One' bra. I suppose one must rejoice that at last the lingerie industry is catering for the udder woman.
Beach Blanket Birchington
In the first of a series of exclusive extracts from our glorious leader Sandy Beach's soon-to-be-published 'Thanet Diaries', the carpet laying council chief has been summoned to a meeting at the North Thanet Conservative Association...
"Cor blimey! As if I ain't gort enuff on me plate, that lot darn the NTCA go and 'old a bleedin' leadership election. It was like the blinkin' third degree darn there. I told 'em, it's abart bleedin' time they put darn a nice bit of Axminster. I could do 'em a deal.
"Lord luvva duck, all this bleedin' fuss over Dreamland, what a two and bleedin' eight. I told 'em, you wanna turn the place into a carpet ware 'ouse. I could do 'em a deal.
"Strike a bleedin' light, you can't please everyone, can yer. I dunno, now the blinkin' Turner Centre's gorn tits up. I told 'em, Rome wasn't built in a day, they said: 'We don't want bleedin' Rome, all we want is a bleedin' arts centre.' I said when it's up and running I'd do 'em a deal on a nice bit of Wilton offcut."
That's enough diary entries, Ed.
"Cor blimey! As if I ain't gort enuff on me plate, that lot darn the NTCA go and 'old a bleedin' leadership election. It was like the blinkin' third degree darn there. I told 'em, it's abart bleedin' time they put darn a nice bit of Axminster. I could do 'em a deal.
"Lord luvva duck, all this bleedin' fuss over Dreamland, what a two and bleedin' eight. I told 'em, you wanna turn the place into a carpet ware 'ouse. I could do 'em a deal.
"Strike a bleedin' light, you can't please everyone, can yer. I dunno, now the blinkin' Turner Centre's gorn tits up. I told 'em, Rome wasn't built in a day, they said: 'We don't want bleedin' Rome, all we want is a bleedin' arts centre.' I said when it's up and running I'd do 'em a deal on a nice bit of Wilton offcut."
That's enough diary entries, Ed.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Wilkinsons Word
Well that's football fever over and done with until, oh, er, let me see, oh yes, the World Cup next month.
Just before the Cup Final, I pottered down to Waitrose to purchase some goodies for Scottie, aka Snailspace, aka dilithiums etc etc, just to say thanks for the fine portrait he did of me. On the way back, I made the mistake of nipping into Wilkinsons, the, um, er...
Sorry, but I'm at a bit of a loss to describe Wilkinsons. If anything, it's a cross between your Dad's shed, the drawer of crap in your kitchen, and that old refrigerator that's been stuffed up the alley by the side of number 22. Needless to say, all the women in there looked as if they dipped their heads in a bucket of bleach every morning, and both sexes gave every appearance of subsisting almost entirely on a diet of six inch nails.
Give me Waitrose any day!
Just before the Cup Final, I pottered down to Waitrose to purchase some goodies for Scottie, aka Snailspace, aka dilithiums etc etc, just to say thanks for the fine portrait he did of me. On the way back, I made the mistake of nipping into Wilkinsons, the, um, er...
Sorry, but I'm at a bit of a loss to describe Wilkinsons. If anything, it's a cross between your Dad's shed, the drawer of crap in your kitchen, and that old refrigerator that's been stuffed up the alley by the side of number 22. Needless to say, all the women in there looked as if they dipped their heads in a bucket of bleach every morning, and both sexes gave every appearance of subsisting almost entirely on a diet of six inch nails.
Give me Waitrose any day!
Friday, May 12, 2006
Snakes Alive!
According to the BBC News website, a woman from Margate has discovered a snake in a pot plant bought from the Westwood Homebase.
Both snake and woman were unharmed. The RSPCA has now taken the snake to Burger King where it is said to be recovering from a severe case of the munchies.
Both snake and woman were unharmed. The RSPCA has now taken the snake to Burger King where it is said to be recovering from a severe case of the munchies.
The Smell Of Success
So, a thousand new homes are to be built over at Westwood Cross (or Fart Bush City Limits, as Elton and I prefer to call it).
I presume all the properties on the development will be specified with non-opening windows, and a year's free supply of Airwick as standard.
I presume all the properties on the development will be specified with non-opening windows, and a year's free supply of Airwick as standard.
Bad Mouth
I see from the trade press that Piers d'Organ is set for stardom as a judge in some new US talent show created by the sartorially challenged Simon Cowell.
Personally I've never seen eye to eye with the little gobshite. I bumped into him at my club once, and, during the pained smalltalk, asked him on what grounds he was there.
"I'm a country member," he replied.
I'm afraid that, at that point, the veneer cracked, and I responded with the rather acidic: "How could I ever forget?"
Personally I've never seen eye to eye with the little gobshite. I bumped into him at my club once, and, during the pained smalltalk, asked him on what grounds he was there.
"I'm a country member," he replied.
I'm afraid that, at that point, the veneer cracked, and I responded with the rather acidic: "How could I ever forget?"
Gone To Pot
I don't know, I'm away for 48 hours and the whole blinking place seems to have gone to pot. Must be something in the air.
You'll be pleased to hear the gig in Manchester went off alright, although there must have been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line, as when I pressed the big red button to open the hideous tower block thing, the entire edifice blew up.
But the developers seemed pleased enough and took me to lunch in the Pennines. Mind you, the conversation was dull as, and seemed to revolve for the most part around some local geographical feature called Rooney's Foot.
You'll be pleased to hear the gig in Manchester went off alright, although there must have been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line, as when I pressed the big red button to open the hideous tower block thing, the entire edifice blew up.
But the developers seemed pleased enough and took me to lunch in the Pennines. Mind you, the conversation was dull as, and seemed to revolve for the most part around some local geographical feature called Rooney's Foot.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Chocks Away!
I've asked Nigel to rub the Lear jet down with a damp cloth, as I'm off to Manchester for a couple of days. They desperately needed an A-lister to open some new tower block they've built, and, well, frankly they couldn't find a proper celebrity 'oop north', hence the call to duty.
In the meantime I invite you to cast your eyes, glass or otherwise, over my archives.
And if you're that bloke who burgled our top cop 'Super!' Peter West, don't go getting any ideas about breaking into my clifftop mansion while I'm away. Or at least, if you do, please ensure you take the chipped Minton vase that's on the mantelpiece. It's been annoying me for months, the blighters at the insurance company won't cough up unless it's totalled.
Right, I'm off to Ramsgate Kent Manston International London Airport. I'll be back soon, because, as I'm sure you all know by now, you can't get rid of me that easily!
In the meantime I invite you to cast your eyes, glass or otherwise, over my archives.
And if you're that bloke who burgled our top cop 'Super!' Peter West, don't go getting any ideas about breaking into my clifftop mansion while I'm away. Or at least, if you do, please ensure you take the chipped Minton vase that's on the mantelpiece. It's been annoying me for months, the blighters at the insurance company won't cough up unless it's totalled.
Right, I'm off to Ramsgate Kent Manston International London Airport. I'll be back soon, because, as I'm sure you all know by now, you can't get rid of me that easily!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Fishing For Compliments
I must say, the more I stare at my portrait (which I have done for hours now), the more I can see a resemblance to my old showbiz pal, the late great lovely lamented Terry-Thomas.
I notice no-one's said anything nice about it yet. Rotten shower!
I notice no-one's said anything nice about it yet. Rotten shower!
Portrait Of Ramsgate Millionaire Unveiled
A portrait of Ramsgate's new millionaire celebrity Richard Eastcliff was unveiled today. The painting, by local artist Snailspace (aka That Bloke With Dilithium Crystals In His Jocks) will now hang in the National Portrait Gallery.
Mr Eastcliff said he was delighted with the likeness, and added: "I think he's captured my chiselled features perfectly. I thought about hanging it in place of my bathroom mirror, it's that good!"
A spokesman for the National Portrait Gallery confirmed that Mr Eastcliff almost certainly would be hanged if he came anywhere near them, as he had been a pain in the arts for quite some time now.
Monday, May 08, 2006
The Internet - A Beginner's Guide
With all the new 'blogs' popping up across the Ile de Thanet, some of you may be confused by all the technical jargon involved.
I've been blogging for quite a few months now, and I like to think I'm abreast of all the new developments. So here is my ECR Guide To The Internet.
DIAL-UP - a service provided by Pizza Hut
NARROWBAND - similar to the above, but your order is not guaranteed to arrive within 30 minutes
BROADBAND - a type of legume
JAVA - West of Krakatoa
WEBLOG - first person plural of the verb 'to blog'
WEBCAST - first person plural of the verb 'to bcast'
MP3 - what John Prescott was hoping for when he asked Patricia Hewitt and Margaret Beckett to join him in his office
iPOD - what Gordon Brown keeps his glass eye in at night
PODCAST - a way of hearing voices directly from the internet
CODCAST - as above but strictly for fisherfolk
GODCAST - time to review your medication
I've been blogging for quite a few months now, and I like to think I'm abreast of all the new developments. So here is my ECR Guide To The Internet.
DIAL-UP - a service provided by Pizza Hut
NARROWBAND - similar to the above, but your order is not guaranteed to arrive within 30 minutes
BROADBAND - a type of legume
JAVA - West of Krakatoa
WEBLOG - first person plural of the verb 'to blog'
WEBCAST - first person plural of the verb 'to bcast'
MP3 - what John Prescott was hoping for when he asked Patricia Hewitt and Margaret Beckett to join him in his office
iPOD - what Gordon Brown keeps his glass eye in at night
PODCAST - a way of hearing voices directly from the internet
CODCAST - as above but strictly for fisherfolk
GODCAST - time to review your medication
Missed Tit
What a balls up. I'd just nipped out to the kitchen to open the second bottle of Krug, and when I came back the whole entertainment performance award bit was over.
I spoke to Elton on the phone afterwards, and he says the fun size pogonophile 'looked stunned'. I don't suppose anyone taped the show?
I spoke to Elton on the phone afterwards, and he says the fun size pogonophile 'looked stunned'. I don't suppose anyone taped the show?
Premature Jocularity
I ejoculated prematurely there, the Baftas aren't on until 9pm. Maybe I'm getting a trifle overexcited. I've just gone through two packets of cheesy nibbles just watching my old pal Trevor McDonut's Tonight Programme.
It made me reflect that things really aren't what they used to be in TV Newsland, what with poor old Hugh Edwards now having to do standy-uppy news on BBC1, and every political editor on all channels dropping their Ts and Ds. It's glotta stop (geddit?!?!).
ITV's nice young political editor Tom Bradby used to speak like the Duke Of Edinburgh when I first knew him, when he was fresh from university. Now he sounds more like Arthur from On The Buses.
It made me reflect that things really aren't what they used to be in TV Newsland, what with poor old Hugh Edwards now having to do standy-uppy news on BBC1, and every political editor on all channels dropping their Ts and Ds. It's glotta stop (geddit?!?!).
ITV's nice young political editor Tom Bradby used to speak like the Duke Of Edinburgh when I first knew him, when he was fresh from university. Now he sounds more like Arthur from On The Buses.
No Life On Uranus
So I was settling down to watch TBA Noel get his comeuppance, when my mind strayed to that other bunch of useless nanas at our local council. Remember their response to my online complaint about our crumbling East Cliff?
Dear Mr Eastcliff,
Thank you for your email. I have forwarded your enquiry onto our
Leisure Department, you can expect to receive a reply within the next
ten working days
Regards
Well, ten days is up. Nada.
Oh well, at least the Baftas shouldn't disappoint. Here they come now!
Dear Mr Eastcliff,
Thank you for your email. I have forwarded your enquiry onto our
Leisure Department, you can expect to receive a reply within the next
ten working days
Regards
Well, ten days is up. Nada.
Oh well, at least the Baftas shouldn't disappoint. Here they come now!
Barnes-By-The-Sea
Just been down to Waitrose to stock up on cheesy nibbles for tonight's Baftas on ITV1. My, how I'm looking forward to seeing the grin wiped off that beardy little gnome's face!
On the way, I noticed that the former Mariners caff overlooking the harbour, which I had earmarked earlier in the year for Barker's Nest, is now going to be a delicatessen. It gets more and more like Barnes-By-The-Sea every day round here!
On the way, I noticed that the former Mariners caff overlooking the harbour, which I had earmarked earlier in the year for Barker's Nest, is now going to be a delicatessen. It gets more and more like Barnes-By-The-Sea every day round here!
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Caption Winner
Sorry, I forgot to announce the winner of my caption competition in all that excitement over the Baftas.
They were all pretty good, but I'm going to have to award the honours to the car crusher himself, Councillor Dave Green, whose admission that he doesn't in fact possess a particularly large hammer shows just what a terrific sport he is.
Thanks, too, to Snailspace for the lend of the 'toon'.
And apologies for the ever descending spiral of innuendo on this site today, I'm afraid I must have taken one too many Carry On pills. Normal service will be resumed in the morning.
Good night, and, as the late lamented lovely Dave Allen used to say, may your god go with you.
Wossy 1, TBA Noel 0!
Hahahahahahahahaha!
I couldn't help myself, I took a squizz at the BBC News website.
I shall now attempt to superglue my knob back on in anticipation of being able to gloat at the ITV1 coverage tomorrow night. I can't wait to see TBA Noel's face.
I couldn't help myself, I took a squizz at the BBC News website.
I shall now attempt to superglue my knob back on in anticipation of being able to gloat at the ITV1 coverage tomorrow night. I can't wait to see TBA Noel's face.
Who Is The Man That Would Risk His Neck For His Brother Man?
Vince Runacre.
Well, the answer used to be 'Shaft!', but it's not unconnected, as our Vince runs an embryonic blog called Thanet Underground, all about the smugglers' caves that are dotted around the Ile. It seems as if intrepid Vince likes nothing more than to spend his weekends investigating dirty great shafts and gaping holes.
There's one story on his site about a rumoured tunnel that stretches all the way from Pegwell Bay to Margate. Apparently a cave cove called Illingworth tried to navigate this tunnel back in 1938, but discovered it took hours just to struggle from Pegwell to the Lord of the Manor. Plus ça change!
Well, the answer used to be 'Shaft!', but it's not unconnected, as our Vince runs an embryonic blog called Thanet Underground, all about the smugglers' caves that are dotted around the Ile. It seems as if intrepid Vince likes nothing more than to spend his weekends investigating dirty great shafts and gaping holes.
There's one story on his site about a rumoured tunnel that stretches all the way from Pegwell Bay to Margate. Apparently a cave cove called Illingworth tried to navigate this tunnel back in 1938, but discovered it took hours just to struggle from Pegwell to the Lord of the Manor. Plus ça change!
Noel Noel Noel Noel Noel!
Bloody 'eck! You only have to take your fingers out of your ears and stop going 'weeble, weeble, weeble' for 2 MINUTES to hear someone talking about how That Bloody Awful Noel is going to get a Bafta this evening. Anyone would think it's the second coming. Actually, the last time I counted, it was his fifth.
If he wins, don't tell me. And I've pulled my ITV1 knob off, just to be sure I don't accidentally tune in to the recording tomorrow night.
If he wins, don't tell me. And I've pulled my ITV1 knob off, just to be sure I don't accidentally tune in to the recording tomorrow night.
Marching Into Pooland
On a recent trip to stock up on Dom, I observed that someone has removed the first 'O' from both the signs directing local coprophiliacs to Pooland in Effingham Street, round the back of the Waitrose car park.
Recalling that our local council leader Sandy Beach has forewarned of 'an invasion at Westwood Cross', I can only assume that those clever psyops people have come up with a cunning plan to lure the marauding hoards onto terrain where our lads can better pursue a 'dirty war'.
Recalling that our local council leader Sandy Beach has forewarned of 'an invasion at Westwood Cross', I can only assume that those clever psyops people have come up with a cunning plan to lure the marauding hoards onto terrain where our lads can better pursue a 'dirty war'.
A Property Developer Writes
More and more people are asking me these days: "How can I make a bundle of cash, and drive around in a Bentley like you?"
Well, the answer is simple. All you have to do is find a run down location, preferably by the sea. If you can locate a derelict hospital near the seafront, or a moribund amusement park, so much the better.
Wait a few years until the place is festering with vermin and a total eyesore. The locals will then be so desperate for something, anything to be built on your site, you could probably even get planning permission for a Chernobyl style nuclear power station! (If it is a nuclear power station you're after, do ensure you use the 'It'll bring jobs for the locals' line.)
At this stage one or two of the natives might get a bit uppity, and you may even have to face an 'inquiry', but don't worry as your local council will be on your side, as long as you've promised to incorporate a bus shelter/public convenience/multi storey car park in the plans.
Tip: If things do get tricky, try putting a completely pointless 'visitor attraction' on your site. The bigger and more garish the 'attraction' the better. Don't bother spending money on planning permission or a health and safety certificate, as you won't actually be opening it to the public. The fact that it is irritatingly useless will ensure the locals become ever more desperate to see something 'useful' (your development) on the rat infested wasteland you've created.
And don't forget, in extremis you can always have a word with that pit bull tugging bloke in a tracksuit who's been hanging around your site brandishing a can of unleaded and a box of Swan Vestas in his giant, tattoed mits.
Then all you have to do is sit back, relax, and browse the latest luxury motor mags!
Well, the answer is simple. All you have to do is find a run down location, preferably by the sea. If you can locate a derelict hospital near the seafront, or a moribund amusement park, so much the better.
Wait a few years until the place is festering with vermin and a total eyesore. The locals will then be so desperate for something, anything to be built on your site, you could probably even get planning permission for a Chernobyl style nuclear power station! (If it is a nuclear power station you're after, do ensure you use the 'It'll bring jobs for the locals' line.)
At this stage one or two of the natives might get a bit uppity, and you may even have to face an 'inquiry', but don't worry as your local council will be on your side, as long as you've promised to incorporate a bus shelter/public convenience/multi storey car park in the plans.
Tip: If things do get tricky, try putting a completely pointless 'visitor attraction' on your site. The bigger and more garish the 'attraction' the better. Don't bother spending money on planning permission or a health and safety certificate, as you won't actually be opening it to the public. The fact that it is irritatingly useless will ensure the locals become ever more desperate to see something 'useful' (your development) on the rat infested wasteland you've created.
And don't forget, in extremis you can always have a word with that pit bull tugging bloke in a tracksuit who's been hanging around your site brandishing a can of unleaded and a box of Swan Vestas in his giant, tattoed mits.
Then all you have to do is sit back, relax, and browse the latest luxury motor mags!
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Ramsgate To Parade 40 Ton Seagull
Ramsgate is to be the setting for an exciting new street theatre presentation, following the success in London this week of a parade starring a 40 ton mechanical elephant.
The organisers have set their sights on Ramsgate, Kent's budding new millionaires' playground, and are hoping to get local star Brenda Blethyn involved.
"I can't think of a more fitting tribute to Ramsgate's new status than the vision of a humongous great seagull stalking the streets," said the show's director, Richard Eastcliff. "The fact that we have the technology and financial backing to do this now is a tribute to everyone involved, as well as to the emerging vibrance and dynamism of Ramsgate."
The theatrical presentation will tell the story of the seagull's journey from a chick to adulthood, and its life changing discovery of a bin bag full of steroids round the back of Iceland.
The organisers have set their sights on Ramsgate, Kent's budding new millionaires' playground, and are hoping to get local star Brenda Blethyn involved.
"I can't think of a more fitting tribute to Ramsgate's new status than the vision of a humongous great seagull stalking the streets," said the show's director, Richard Eastcliff. "The fact that we have the technology and financial backing to do this now is a tribute to everyone involved, as well as to the emerging vibrance and dynamism of Ramsgate."
The theatrical presentation will tell the story of the seagull's journey from a chick to adulthood, and its life changing discovery of a bin bag full of steroids round the back of Iceland.
Caption Competition
Snailspace, aka that nice chap with dilithium crystals in his jocks, has sent me one of his splendid 'toons'. I think it's meant to be the East Cliff's viridescent, car crushing councillor Dave Green, off on one of his rampaging crusades against untaxed vehicles, but I'm not sure, as the last time I saw DG he didn't have quite as much hair.
I've decided to run it as a caption competition, so do have a go. There'll be a crisp 10 Botswanan Pula note in it for whoever Elton and I judge to be the winner.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Millionth Visit
I see from my site counteriser that I only require five more visits to clock up the lucky million. As it's Friday and I'm feeling drunk, er, generous, I'm going to hand a stonking 1,000,000 Indonesian Rupiahs to the millionth visitor.
Only problem is, I have no way of knowing who you are... So if you'd all care to leave your names and bank details over the next hour or so, I'm sure something can be arranged.
Only problem is, I have no way of knowing who you are... So if you'd all care to leave your names and bank details over the next hour or so, I'm sure something can be arranged.
Fuzz Words
'THE ISLE OF CRIME' screams the headline on the front of today's Gazunder. Apparently burglary's up, drug crime's up, car crime's up, everything's up.
Of course, here on the sunny south side, the only thing that's up is property prices, so us Ramsgate millionaires have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, in the spirit of public-mindedness that is my trademark, I thought I'd look into it further.
Our local top cop Peter West (who's apparently 'Super!'), promises to come down "extremely hard" on the crims, and tells the Gazunder: "There are a number of tactics open to us and we are using them all the time."
After a chat with my contacts in the force, I can now exclusively reveal what those tactics are:
1. Canteen tea changed from Typhoo to PC Tips
2. Ball juggling replaced with truncheon juggling
3. Thanet police dog 'Woofie' renamed 'Tyson'
4. 'Noddy' DVDs in rest room substituted with 'CSI Crime Scene'
5. Sun newspaper in WCs replaced by 'The Job'.
I feel confident that, with these new police tactics in place, it will only be a matter of time before everything does, indeed, come down all around us.
Of course, here on the sunny south side, the only thing that's up is property prices, so us Ramsgate millionaires have very little to worry about. Nevertheless, in the spirit of public-mindedness that is my trademark, I thought I'd look into it further.
Our local top cop Peter West (who's apparently 'Super!'), promises to come down "extremely hard" on the crims, and tells the Gazunder: "There are a number of tactics open to us and we are using them all the time."
After a chat with my contacts in the force, I can now exclusively reveal what those tactics are:
1. Canteen tea changed from Typhoo to PC Tips
2. Ball juggling replaced with truncheon juggling
3. Thanet police dog 'Woofie' renamed 'Tyson'
4. 'Noddy' DVDs in rest room substituted with 'CSI Crime Scene'
5. Sun newspaper in WCs replaced by 'The Job'.
I feel confident that, with these new police tactics in place, it will only be a matter of time before everything does, indeed, come down all around us.
Blog Eat Blog
One of my regular contributors has noticed that I've been removing one or two comments. This is because the spammers have found their way to this blog, leaving messages about how you can earn an extra $500 a day for doing nothing.
As most of you are already millionaires, I've decided to remove them. The alternative would be to use comment verification, but that just seems like a pain in the derriere to me.
As you know, I'm happy for anyone to say anything about whoever and whatever they like, as long as it's done with humour, and the more extreme swear words are disguised with asterisks. I think, compared to some of the other blogs on the Ile, I'm pretty liberal. Just like that nice Mark Oaten!
As most of you are already millionaires, I've decided to remove them. The alternative would be to use comment verification, but that just seems like a pain in the derriere to me.
As you know, I'm happy for anyone to say anything about whoever and whatever they like, as long as it's done with humour, and the more extreme swear words are disguised with asterisks. I think, compared to some of the other blogs on the Ile, I'm pretty liberal. Just like that nice Mark Oaten!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Scorcher
With temperatures on the Ile de Thanet soaring into the 100s, no doubt the north is already suffering from a plague of locusts/boils/semi-clad builders.
Here on the Cote D'Azur side, we're basking in sunshine, a gentle breeze wafting our G&Ts.
I had hoped to pull on my Calvin Klein togs and go for a splash in the pool, but Norman the pool guy hasn't given it the spring clean yet after Barrymore was round last year, so I'm slightly reluctant. I could go for a dip in the briny, but with the East Cliff about to crumble I wouldn't feel secure without a hard hat, and that would spoil the fun rather.
I know, I'll take a trip to that beach the other side of the harbour, below the West Cliff. It may be slumming it a bit, but at least I won't have to take my floaters. I'm reliably informed there are plenty there already.
Here on the Cote D'Azur side, we're basking in sunshine, a gentle breeze wafting our G&Ts.
I had hoped to pull on my Calvin Klein togs and go for a splash in the pool, but Norman the pool guy hasn't given it the spring clean yet after Barrymore was round last year, so I'm slightly reluctant. I could go for a dip in the briny, but with the East Cliff about to crumble I wouldn't feel secure without a hard hat, and that would spoil the fun rather.
I know, I'll take a trip to that beach the other side of the harbour, below the West Cliff. It may be slumming it a bit, but at least I won't have to take my floaters. I'm reliably informed there are plenty there already.
Thanet Rocks
This is turning into Apology Week. I now owe those nice people at Thanet Rocks my sincerest and most humble.
I've been labouring under the misapprehension that they were the local geological society, but it turns out they are a rather cool and hip bunch of dudes, with a mission to bring us all the latest on the Ile's pulsating music vibe. Daddy-O.
I'm happy to put the record straight, especially as they've very kindly put a newsfeed link to my own humble jottings here on Ramsgate's East Cliff. Where they get the 'Oonagi' from, though, I've no idea.
I've been labouring under the misapprehension that they were the local geological society, but it turns out they are a rather cool and hip bunch of dudes, with a mission to bring us all the latest on the Ile's pulsating music vibe. Daddy-O.
I'm happy to put the record straight, especially as they've very kindly put a newsfeed link to my own humble jottings here on Ramsgate's East Cliff. Where they get the 'Oonagi' from, though, I've no idea.
Vom Cruise
One of those cheap travel companies has sent me an email advertising a 'fun Caribbean cruise', with the emphasis on 'young people'.
Call me old fashioned, but I don't think 'Spot The Minger' and wet T-shirt competitions, combined with an endless supply of tequila slammers, is going to float my boat. Not only that, but with all the booze and hormones swilling around, the decks would be constantly awash with blood, puke and ten other types of bodily fluid.
If I was interested in that sort of 'fun', I'd be spending my Saturday nights in Broadstairs.
Call me old fashioned, but I don't think 'Spot The Minger' and wet T-shirt competitions, combined with an endless supply of tequila slammers, is going to float my boat. Not only that, but with all the booze and hormones swilling around, the decks would be constantly awash with blood, puke and ten other types of bodily fluid.
If I was interested in that sort of 'fun', I'd be spending my Saturday nights in Broadstairs.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Apology
Flying Spur. I meant to say Flying Spur. I hope I got all those references out before the Bentley boys saw them.
Product Placement
I've left a voicemail with those nice Bentley people telling them that I'm going to be presenting The Rich List, and there would be nothing more appropriate for the title sequence than shots of myself piloting one of their Bentley Continental Flying Spurs at high speed around a car park. In return for an indefinite loan, of course.
I don't think it's much of a fib. I'm sure I'll get the job, after all, 'The Noel List' doesn't quite have the same ring, does it?
By the way, I also told them I'd mention the Bentley Continental Flying Spur whenever I could here on my site. So don't forget, that's the Bentley Continental Flying Spur. A bloody fine motor!
I don't think it's much of a fib. I'm sure I'll get the job, after all, 'The Noel List' doesn't quite have the same ring, does it?
By the way, I also told them I'd mention the Bentley Continental Flying Spur whenever I could here on my site. So don't forget, that's the Bentley Continental Flying Spur. A bloody fine motor!
Happiness Is A Warm Bentley
I've just watched some old bilge on BBC2 entitled The Happiness Formula. Apparently it's going to take six episodes of this claptrap to tell us what happiness is.
The BBC bosses could have spared our licence fee, as they need only have looked further down their schedule tonight to find the answer. Yes, I'm talking about Sir Alan Sugar. Now that's what happiness is. Driving around in a Bentley, explaining to people how you're going to tear them a new arsehole, and shouting 'You're fired!' at every opportunity.
Quite by chance, those nice people at Bentley have sent me a DVD about their new Bentley Continental Flying Toss. The TT's getting a bit long in the tooth, so I'm tempted by the 600bhp and 200mph+ performance on offer.
That should come in really handy on the weekend trips to Westwood.
The BBC bosses could have spared our licence fee, as they need only have looked further down their schedule tonight to find the answer. Yes, I'm talking about Sir Alan Sugar. Now that's what happiness is. Driving around in a Bentley, explaining to people how you're going to tear them a new arsehole, and shouting 'You're fired!' at every opportunity.
Quite by chance, those nice people at Bentley have sent me a DVD about their new Bentley Continental Flying Toss. The TT's getting a bit long in the tooth, so I'm tempted by the 600bhp and 200mph+ performance on offer.
That should come in really handy on the weekend trips to Westwood.
Invasion!
I've just listened to our glorious local council leader Sandy Beach talking to James Bond on Thanet Life.
Sounding more like Harold Steptoe than Bela Lugosi, our Sandy predicts an invasion at Westwood Cross.
So I'm off over there now with my tin helmet and binoculars. Hopefully I can be of some help to our plucky lads, who I hear have established a forward position behind the Debenhams undies counter.
Sounding more like Harold Steptoe than Bela Lugosi, our Sandy predicts an invasion at Westwood Cross.
So I'm off over there now with my tin helmet and binoculars. Hopefully I can be of some help to our plucky lads, who I hear have established a forward position behind the Debenhams undies counter.
Mystery Man
Now that I'm going to be doing my bit for the Millionaires' Playground, I'm beginning to feel slightly guilty that I'm not pulling my weight when it comes to bolstering the summer season over in the Arsonists'.
Drawing on my not insubstantial showbiz experience, I've decided to resurrect an idea from the 70s, when all the red tops would run a 'Mystery Man' competition during the summer months. The idea was to publish a photograph of their 'Mystery Man', and any holidaymaker that spotted the fellow, and approached him using the designated phrase, would be handed a crisp fiver.
So, come the August bank holiday, I'll be walking up and down Margate front, a bundle of notes in my pocket, waiting to be approached with the phrase: "You are Eastcliff Richard and I claim my five pounds".
Mind you, I'll have to work on my disguise, as I think a stab vest and industrial respirator would be giving the game away rather too easily.
Drawing on my not insubstantial showbiz experience, I've decided to resurrect an idea from the 70s, when all the red tops would run a 'Mystery Man' competition during the summer months. The idea was to publish a photograph of their 'Mystery Man', and any holidaymaker that spotted the fellow, and approached him using the designated phrase, would be handed a crisp fiver.
So, come the August bank holiday, I'll be walking up and down Margate front, a bundle of notes in my pocket, waiting to be approached with the phrase: "You are Eastcliff Richard and I claim my five pounds".
Mind you, I'll have to work on my disguise, as I think a stab vest and industrial respirator would be giving the game away rather too easily.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Front Man
Relaxing with the Thanet Times over a cuppa when I got back this evening, I came upon a picture of local council chairman Jeff Kirkpatrick enjoying a game of volleyball on Broadstairs beach.
Councillor Kirkpatrick, who's engaged to Dolly Parton impersonator and gay icon Mandy Winters, is presumably building up his stamina for the honeymoon.
PS: I've been asked by my highly paid media lawyers to clarify that Ms Winters is an icon for gay people, and not, so far as anyone knows, an icon who is gay. So that's that cleared up then.
Councillor Kirkpatrick, who's engaged to Dolly Parton impersonator and gay icon Mandy Winters, is presumably building up his stamina for the honeymoon.
PS: I've been asked by my highly paid media lawyers to clarify that Ms Winters is an icon for gay people, and not, so far as anyone knows, an icon who is gay. So that's that cleared up then.
Back Home
Oh well, yet another defeat plucked from the jaws of victory. Even the security chap in the car park at Teddington reckoned they'd probably only called me back to make Noel look good.
Still, as you know, I am not one to dwell on such matters, and driving back to Thanet in the TT, it occurred to me that perhaps I should concentrate more of my talents on brightening up the local entertainment scene.
Then it struck me: An Evening With Eastcliff Richard!
I don't suppose I'd go down too well at the Winter Gardens, given that I've made one or two off-colour remarks about Margate recently, but what about Ramsgate? Surely the audiences can't still be as hostile as when The Rolling Stones played here back in the 60s, when Mick Jagger said Ramsgate was the roughest place they'd played (and that included Glasgow)? Besides, I've been encouraged by the words of one of my correspondents, who said that if I was thinking of doing a live gig, he might come along, if he had nothing else to do that night.
So it's decided. First thing in the morning l'll call that nice Brian Stout who runs the Granville.
Still, as you know, I am not one to dwell on such matters, and driving back to Thanet in the TT, it occurred to me that perhaps I should concentrate more of my talents on brightening up the local entertainment scene.
Then it struck me: An Evening With Eastcliff Richard!
I don't suppose I'd go down too well at the Winter Gardens, given that I've made one or two off-colour remarks about Margate recently, but what about Ramsgate? Surely the audiences can't still be as hostile as when The Rolling Stones played here back in the 60s, when Mick Jagger said Ramsgate was the roughest place they'd played (and that included Glasgow)? Besides, I've been encouraged by the words of one of my correspondents, who said that if I was thinking of doing a live gig, he might come along, if he had nothing else to do that night.
So it's decided. First thing in the morning l'll call that nice Brian Stout who runs the Granville.
i hive up
i hate had to report to using my mobilf but i hate meter worked nut gow to use the predictive text function
reshaps i had butter wait until i get back home
fatcliff richarse
reshaps i had butter wait until i get back home
fatcliff richarse
Beyond A Joke
This is getting beyond a joke. Still, at least I know the director's on my side, he's let me borrow his desk.
--
THAT BLOODY EASTCLIFF, IF HE SCREAMS "YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY!" ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO KILL HIM. WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS, BRUCE BLOODY FORSYTHE?
--
THAT BLOODY EASTCLIFF, IF HE SCREAMS "YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY!" ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO KILL HIM. WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS, BRUCE BLOODY FORSYTHE?
Noel All
That's the last time I borrow TBA Noel's Raspberry after it added that insulting message to my previous post. I've borrowed the producer's laptop now, so there shouldn't be a repeat performance.
I see Noel's all over the trades today, talking about how he's worried he might become 'over exposed', now that C4 are running Deal Or No Deal back-to-back, 24/7. Let's hope the producer of this show I'm auditioning for today thinks the same. Personally I think I'm in with a pretty good chance!
--
MUST GET MAKE-UP TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT EASTCLIFF'S MOUTH, IT LOOKS LIKE A CAT'S ARSE.
I see Noel's all over the trades today, talking about how he's worried he might become 'over exposed', now that C4 are running Deal Or No Deal back-to-back, 24/7. Let's hope the producer of this show I'm auditioning for today thinks the same. Personally I think I'm in with a pretty good chance!
--
MUST GET MAKE-UP TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT EASTCLIFF'S MOUTH, IT LOOKS LIKE A CAT'S ARSE.
Recalls
In a real rush, so only time for a short piece. I was called back to London this morning for more auditions on The Rich List!
It looks like it's now just a straight race between me and TBA Noel, although my attitude towards him is softening, he leant me his 'Raspberry' device, and I'm sending this to you direct from the green room at Teddington Studios!
Wish me luck!
--
EASTCLIFF IS A TWAT
It looks like it's now just a straight race between me and TBA Noel, although my attitude towards him is softening, he leant me his 'Raspberry' device, and I'm sending this to you direct from the green room at Teddington Studios!
Wish me luck!
--
EASTCLIFF IS A TWAT
Monday, May 01, 2006
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Those pesky seagulls have been at the bin bags round the side of the house again, polishing off what was left of last night's Chateaubriand.
I am resolved to stop the blighters. I've printed out a life sized photograph of our local council leader Sandy Beach, and attached it to the fence opposite.
If that doesn't scare them off, I'll eat Elton's wig.
I am resolved to stop the blighters. I've printed out a life sized photograph of our local council leader Sandy Beach, and attached it to the fence opposite.
If that doesn't scare them off, I'll eat Elton's wig.
Hairobatics
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that the great British weather has again pulled out all the stops for the bank holiday. As the sea breeze gently rips the tiles from the roof, Elton, who's visiting for the weekend, has decided to go for a walk along the front.
He must be mad, but he says he's bought some extra strong glue for his wig, so hopefully there'll be no reports of a hairy UFO being sighted over Ramsgate Harbour.
He must be mad, but he says he's bought some extra strong glue for his wig, so hopefully there'll be no reports of a hairy UFO being sighted over Ramsgate Harbour.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
The Smell Of Margate
Self-immolation appears to have become all the rage amongst the hurdy-gurdyists, so I thought I'd give Broadstairs a miss today and pilot the TT over to Margate instead. Here's my report.
1. Parked up in 'Rendezvous' car park. Car park full of architects' Bentleys. Occupants gazing wistfully at where the old Anthea Turner Centre might have been, wondering how they will spend the twelve million smackers on offer to build the new Anthea Turner Centre. (Answer: by converting the lifeboat station into a multi-storey car park and pocketing the other eleven million).
2. Walked up high street to find a hole in the wall. Plenty of holes in most of the walls.
3. Passed by a public house called The Waverley. Two tattoed men outside screaming at each other: "DO YOU WANT SOME?" Assume this is how the channel dividing the Ile from the rest of Kent derived its name.
When I dined with Ronnie Biggs in Rio in the 90s, he told me that what he missed most about Blighty was the smell of Margate, and that it was his dying wish to be given the opportunity to savour it again.
Well, even though he's now banged up in Belmarsh, 70 miles up the road, I think I can say with utter certainty that Ronnie will have at last attained his heart's desire.
1. Parked up in 'Rendezvous' car park. Car park full of architects' Bentleys. Occupants gazing wistfully at where the old Anthea Turner Centre might have been, wondering how they will spend the twelve million smackers on offer to build the new Anthea Turner Centre. (Answer: by converting the lifeboat station into a multi-storey car park and pocketing the other eleven million).
2. Walked up high street to find a hole in the wall. Plenty of holes in most of the walls.
3. Passed by a public house called The Waverley. Two tattoed men outside screaming at each other: "DO YOU WANT SOME?" Assume this is how the channel dividing the Ile from the rest of Kent derived its name.
When I dined with Ronnie Biggs in Rio in the 90s, he told me that what he missed most about Blighty was the smell of Margate, and that it was his dying wish to be given the opportunity to savour it again.
Well, even though he's now banged up in Belmarsh, 70 miles up the road, I think I can say with utter certainty that Ronnie will have at last attained his heart's desire.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Sir Roger Withdraws His Column
I happened to glance at The Gazunder as I was changing Bertie's litter tray today, and saw that Sir Roger Wind, the Conservative MP for Thanet (Arsonists), will no longer be writing his regular slot for the paper.
I don't normally follow political ins and outs, let alone notice what the local MPs get up to, apart from when my own representative, the Right Honourable Steve Ladyboy, Labour MP for Thanet (Millionaires), zips past in his Ferrari.
Anyway, the truth is, I then plonked myself down in one of my La-z-boys and read The Gazunder from cover to cover. It seems that, although Sir Roger is departing, Arts and Elbows, the weekly column about cultural life on the Ile, has returned. It's based around the blog of the same name written by Sultan of Bling Philip Page, and very good it is too, for someone from Margate.
Culture. Now that's much more my cup of Earl Grey.
I don't normally follow political ins and outs, let alone notice what the local MPs get up to, apart from when my own representative, the Right Honourable Steve Ladyboy, Labour MP for Thanet (Millionaires), zips past in his Ferrari.
Anyway, the truth is, I then plonked myself down in one of my La-z-boys and read The Gazunder from cover to cover. It seems that, although Sir Roger is departing, Arts and Elbows, the weekly column about cultural life on the Ile, has returned. It's based around the blog of the same name written by Sultan of Bling Philip Page, and very good it is too, for someone from Margate.
Culture. Now that's much more my cup of Earl Grey.
Earsay
Roger just rang to tell me that, in the elevated government circles that he moves in these days, the rumour is that when the Home Secretary was told about all these foreign johnnies being let out of prison, he was heard to say that he couldn't believe his ears.
Apparently efforts to reassure him that nobody else could believe his ears either did not have the desired effect.
I'm not sure if Roger hadn't better leave that sort of story to Nookie.
Apparently efforts to reassure him that nobody else could believe his ears either did not have the desired effect.
I'm not sure if Roger hadn't better leave that sort of story to Nookie.
Lonesome Clown On A Crumbling Cliff
On reflection I'm rather surprised that the state of our crumbling East Cliff here in the Millionaires' Playground hasn't, as far as I'm aware, made the front pages of the national papers.
The local papers, of course, have much bigger fish to fry (and wrap themselves around), and prefer to focus their attention on how many keyrings a man in Cliftonville has collected, local councillors marrying Dolly Parton impersonators, and pit bulls getting their heads stuck in railings.
And there's been no reply yet from the local council's Leisure Department, who, I've been told, are responsible for dealing with this serious issue, presumably by organising a 'bring your own concrete' party in the seafront car park.
Meanwhile it's come to my attention that the last remaining vestige of the Pleasurama amusement park, which used to occupy what is now wasteland at the bottom of the cliff, is still doggedly clinging to the very concrete facade that is in danger of cascading into the English Channel. This, once illuminated, clown still looks out to sea with his cheeky grin, a semi-circle of lights between his upturned hands which, in days long past, used to illuminate in sequence to give the effect that he was juggling.
Over in Margate, they only this week removed the illuminated Dreamland sign which had graced their formerly famous amusement park for decades, and carted it off to a bonfire in Herne Bay.
So today I'm starting a campaign to save Ramsgate's Pleasurama heritage. We could even rope in Scottie and his dilithium crystals, perhaps he could get the thing working again.
Actually it's nothing to do with nostalgia. I just think that there couldn't be a more appropriate tribute to our borough engineer than a solitary, ball-juggling clown on a crumbling cliff.
The local papers, of course, have much bigger fish to fry (and wrap themselves around), and prefer to focus their attention on how many keyrings a man in Cliftonville has collected, local councillors marrying Dolly Parton impersonators, and pit bulls getting their heads stuck in railings.
And there's been no reply yet from the local council's Leisure Department, who, I've been told, are responsible for dealing with this serious issue, presumably by organising a 'bring your own concrete' party in the seafront car park.
Meanwhile it's come to my attention that the last remaining vestige of the Pleasurama amusement park, which used to occupy what is now wasteland at the bottom of the cliff, is still doggedly clinging to the very concrete facade that is in danger of cascading into the English Channel. This, once illuminated, clown still looks out to sea with his cheeky grin, a semi-circle of lights between his upturned hands which, in days long past, used to illuminate in sequence to give the effect that he was juggling.
Over in Margate, they only this week removed the illuminated Dreamland sign which had graced their formerly famous amusement park for decades, and carted it off to a bonfire in Herne Bay.
So today I'm starting a campaign to save Ramsgate's Pleasurama heritage. We could even rope in Scottie and his dilithium crystals, perhaps he could get the thing working again.
Actually it's nothing to do with nostalgia. I just think that there couldn't be a more appropriate tribute to our borough engineer than a solitary, ball-juggling clown on a crumbling cliff.
Friday, April 28, 2006
The Eastcliffy Code
SoMe of you mAy have been Reading about how the judGe in the Da Vinci Code cAse included a secret code of his own in his 71 page wriTten judgemEnt.
The crazy adjudicator now sayS his effort was aimed at pUblicising some old admiral who onCe built a couple of boats.
Personally I think the whole thing is a bit childish. It's certainly not the Kind of thing you'd catch me indulging mySelf in.
The crazy adjudicator now sayS his effort was aimed at pUblicising some old admiral who onCe built a couple of boats.
Personally I think the whole thing is a bit childish. It's certainly not the Kind of thing you'd catch me indulging mySelf in.
Dumpton Crap
Q: How many street cleaners does it take to clean a street?
A: One, but he actually has to clean the street.
So there'll be no chance of the assorted detritus along the grassy prom down by Dumpton Gap being removed this side of Christmas.
Despite his brand new uniform, shiny new litter picker and sparkly new cart, the cleaner was meandering along, staring out to sea, texting on his mobile, gaily sauntering past the coathangers, old hats and paper cups spiked on railings, not to mention the umpteen abandoned Netto gnomes.
Still, it's a lovely day for it, and I'm sure any visiting millionaires over the bank holiday weekend won't mind too much when they discover a foot's been speared by one of the little people's tiny fishing rods.
A: One, but he actually has to clean the street.
So there'll be no chance of the assorted detritus along the grassy prom down by Dumpton Gap being removed this side of Christmas.
Despite his brand new uniform, shiny new litter picker and sparkly new cart, the cleaner was meandering along, staring out to sea, texting on his mobile, gaily sauntering past the coathangers, old hats and paper cups spiked on railings, not to mention the umpteen abandoned Netto gnomes.
Still, it's a lovely day for it, and I'm sure any visiting millionaires over the bank holiday weekend won't mind too much when they discover a foot's been speared by one of the little people's tiny fishing rods.
Toon Town
With all the Monets to stare at on the walls of my cliff top mansion, I usually have to don my darkest D&G shades to gawp at anything less. But one of my regular correspondents, who happens to be a cartoonist in his spare time, has just started his own blog, featuring his 'toons'.
It's early days, but I think the lad shows artistic promise.
So take a look at snailspace. I can assure you the fellow behind it is a thoroughly good egg, even though he's not, as far as I know, a millionaire.
It's early days, but I think the lad shows artistic promise.
So take a look at snailspace. I can assure you the fellow behind it is a thoroughly good egg, even though he's not, as far as I know, a millionaire.
Sleepless Night 2
If it's not the worry of crumbling cliffs keeping me awake, it's the flipping pterodactyls flying around, squawking and fighting with each other all night.
Why don't they warn you, when you move to a millionaire's playground by the briny, that seagulls like nothing more than a good fight after a hard day's pecking at the bin bags? Maybe they've found a few drops left at the bottom of all those cast out White Lightning cans in Augusta Road.
Why don't they warn you, when you move to a millionaire's playground by the briny, that seagulls like nothing more than a good fight after a hard day's pecking at the bin bags? Maybe they've found a few drops left at the bottom of all those cast out White Lightning cans in Augusta Road.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Gazunder Gazover
James Bond is now reporting that the editor of the Ile's august organ, The Gazunder, has pulled out of a much anticipated, head to head, face to face, toe to toe interview with local MP Sir Roger Wind on BBC Radio Kent tomorrow morning.
My guess is that The Gazunderer, which publishes tomorrow, has yet another front page scoop about Sir Roger's secretary purchasing a rather iffy brand of printer cartridge, or some such.
One thing's certain, I'll be straight down the newsagents to bag my copy first thing tomorrow morning, as the Adscenes I'm currently using have given the poor old Burmese a rather nasty botty rash.
My guess is that The Gazunderer, which publishes tomorrow, has yet another front page scoop about Sir Roger's secretary purchasing a rather iffy brand of printer cartridge, or some such.
One thing's certain, I'll be straight down the newsagents to bag my copy first thing tomorrow morning, as the Adscenes I'm currently using have given the poor old Burmese a rather nasty botty rash.
Eddie, Steady, Go!
I'm catching up with all the gossip here on the Ile de Thanet after returning from my brief sojourn at Nookie's Nest in Folkestone.
There currently appears to be a squalid tussle taking place on the shabby north side of the Ile, where the local MP Sir Roger Wind has been in the papers over something his secretary has done.
Personally I don't understand the ins and outs, and would rather steer clear of such tittle-tattle, but James Bond is promising to publish the true story tomorrow, and the editor of the Gazunder will apparently be going head to head with Sir Rodge on BBC Radio Kent.
Everyone in The Arsonists' Playground is waiting with bated, and no doubt rather rancid, breath.
Here in the calmer climes of the mediterranean style south side, we tend not to go in for such grubby stuff. The biggest news round here is that our local brewmeister Eddie Gadd is setting up in larger premises on the outskirts of town.
The affable Eddie, known to his friends as The Gaddfather Of Ale, currently brews his beer at the Belgian Bar on the harbour. I have to admit to slumming it there occasionally, and even enjoying the odd drop of Gadd's No. 5, although Krug is really more my tipple.
Anyway, good luck to Eddie, who's well on his way to becoming a brewing magnate, and thereby adding another millionaire to Ramsgate's ever-growing list!
There currently appears to be a squalid tussle taking place on the shabby north side of the Ile, where the local MP Sir Roger Wind has been in the papers over something his secretary has done.
Personally I don't understand the ins and outs, and would rather steer clear of such tittle-tattle, but James Bond is promising to publish the true story tomorrow, and the editor of the Gazunder will apparently be going head to head with Sir Rodge on BBC Radio Kent.
Everyone in The Arsonists' Playground is waiting with bated, and no doubt rather rancid, breath.
Here in the calmer climes of the mediterranean style south side, we tend not to go in for such grubby stuff. The biggest news round here is that our local brewmeister Eddie Gadd is setting up in larger premises on the outskirts of town.
The affable Eddie, known to his friends as The Gaddfather Of Ale, currently brews his beer at the Belgian Bar on the harbour. I have to admit to slumming it there occasionally, and even enjoying the odd drop of Gadd's No. 5, although Krug is really more my tipple.
Anyway, good luck to Eddie, who's well on his way to becoming a brewing magnate, and thereby adding another millionaire to Ramsgate's ever-growing list!
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Aerial View
The move went fairly well, although a couple of Ming vases were smashed. The removals man reassured me that it was nothing compared to what he did in Cambridge earlier this year. Anyhow, I'm now reinstalled in my soon-to-be-beachfront mansion on Ramsgate's crumbling East Cliff.
It's amazing what changes a couple of days away have brought. Most significant is the installation of gargantuan TV aerial masts on a number of properties in the vicinity.
But then it's only to be expected as nothing smaller than the Eiffel Tower would support the weight of your average seagull around here these days.
It's amazing what changes a couple of days away have brought. Most significant is the installation of gargantuan TV aerial masts on a number of properties in the vicinity.
But then it's only to be expected as nothing smaller than the Eiffel Tower would support the weight of your average seagull around here these days.
Blind Date
As you know, I'm not much of a one for national and international politics, but I nearly choked on my Oeufs Florentine this morning when I read that John Prescott, our Deputy Prime Minister, has been having an affair.
I mean, he looks like the back end of a Russian tractor. If he'd been having an affair with David Blunkett, I might have believed it. Anyway 'Two Shags', as he's now known in government circles, has said it's all in the past and he wants to move on.
Speaking of moving on, the Pickfords men have just arrived. I'll be back in Ramsgate later to check on property prices and the state of my cliff top mansion.
You can't get rid of me that easily!
I mean, he looks like the back end of a Russian tractor. If he'd been having an affair with David Blunkett, I might have believed it. Anyway 'Two Shags', as he's now known in government circles, has said it's all in the past and he wants to move on.
Speaking of moving on, the Pickfords men have just arrived. I'll be back in Ramsgate later to check on property prices and the state of my cliff top mansion.
You can't get rid of me that easily!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Count Dracula
Holy Moses!
I've just discovered that my MP here in Folkestone is none other than Nosferatu, that rather menacing fellow who used to lead the Conservative Party. If anything's going to give me a sleepless night, it's knowing that he's creeping around the town in his black cape and false teeth. Give me Sandy Beach any day.
I'm coming back to Ramsgate as soon as Pickfords can arrange to send round their lorries. It's either that or get EDF to send over a ton of their best garlic.
See you in Ramsgate!
I've just discovered that my MP here in Folkestone is none other than Nosferatu, that rather menacing fellow who used to lead the Conservative Party. If anything's going to give me a sleepless night, it's knowing that he's creeping around the town in his black cape and false teeth. Give me Sandy Beach any day.
I'm coming back to Ramsgate as soon as Pickfords can arrange to send round their lorries. It's either that or get EDF to send over a ton of their best garlic.
See you in Ramsgate!
Sleepless Night
Not many millionaires slept easily in their beds here on the East Cliff last night, I can tell you. This one certainly didn't.
Two points arise from yesterday's shock news that the entire cliff is about crumble into the sea:
1. Let's not hoist anything bigger than the tiny Union Jack that is currently flying from the new, multi-storey flag pole opposite Wellington Crescent. It might only exacerbate the situation.
2. Now's the time for the local council's Leisure Department, who are apparently in charge of resolving this dire emergency, to really go to town, and put on an entertaining variety spectacular to take everyone's mind off the impending disaster. What we need is something that brings out the spirit of the Blitz, Dame Vera, that type of thing. For a small fee I might even be persuaded to compere it, although I would be requiring the travel expenses from my new home in Folkestone, which is where I'm moving to this morning.
Two points arise from yesterday's shock news that the entire cliff is about crumble into the sea:
1. Let's not hoist anything bigger than the tiny Union Jack that is currently flying from the new, multi-storey flag pole opposite Wellington Crescent. It might only exacerbate the situation.
2. Now's the time for the local council's Leisure Department, who are apparently in charge of resolving this dire emergency, to really go to town, and put on an entertaining variety spectacular to take everyone's mind off the impending disaster. What we need is something that brings out the spirit of the Blitz, Dame Vera, that type of thing. For a small fee I might even be persuaded to compere it, although I would be requiring the travel expenses from my new home in Folkestone, which is where I'm moving to this morning.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Earthquake!
Flaming Nora, this railings thing is much more serious than I thought. Our superhero local councillor Dave Green has discovered that most of the East Cliff is about to crumble into the sea.
This is going to require more than a hard hat, and I doubt even Councillor Green has the superhuman powers to hold up an entire cliff on his own. I'm right now stuffing all my valuables into several articulated lorries and running for my life.
This is going to require more than a hard hat, and I doubt even Councillor Green has the superhuman powers to hold up an entire cliff on his own. I'm right now stuffing all my valuables into several articulated lorries and running for my life.
A Missive From Uranus
Feeling a bit better now. It's so handy having a kiosk that sells rubber rings at the end of one's road.
That aside, I've received a response from Uranus regarding my online complaint about the hideous temporary fencing all along the cliff top promenade opposite Wellington Crescent. The Uranians say:
Dear Mr Eastcliff,
Thank you for your email. I have forwarded your enquiry onto our
Leisure Department, you can expect to receive a reply within the next
ten working days
Regards
I'm not entirely certain that my definition of 'leisure' would encompass railings. I did witness a couple of pit bulls enjoying a special cuddle up against a fence in Winterstoke Crescent the other day, but I think it's stretching a point.
That aside, I've received a response from Uranus regarding my online complaint about the hideous temporary fencing all along the cliff top promenade opposite Wellington Crescent. The Uranians say:
Dear Mr Eastcliff,
Thank you for your email. I have forwarded your enquiry onto our
Leisure Department, you can expect to receive a reply within the next
ten working days
Regards
I'm not entirely certain that my definition of 'leisure' would encompass railings. I did witness a couple of pit bulls enjoying a special cuddle up against a fence in Winterstoke Crescent the other day, but I think it's stretching a point.
All Blogged Up
Sorry millionaire fans. I think that 6ft sub I ate the other week has finally come home to roost. I'll be back with you as soon as the bleeding's stopped.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Nest Building
I never thought I'd say this, but I'm seriously thinking of calling Gullbusters.
As I may have mentioned before, the seagulls here on Ramsgate's newly fashionable East Cliff have bloated up to the size of standard poodles, now that they've discovered the feast of leftover smoked salmon and caviar to be had by clawing their way into the bin bags deposited on the pavements every Thursday morning.
And now it's the mating season, their taste in nesting material appears to have gone upmarket too.
Puzzled this afternoon by a loud squawk from the back garden, I rushed out just in time to see half a brick descend from the heavens with a thud onto the perfectly manicured lawn. This gargantuan piece of masonry had evidently been dropped by a passing gull, on its way to its nesting site.
Well, actually, on closer inspection it turned out to be half a Dundee cake, but, I mean, it could still have done someone a really nasty injury.
I would therefore advise any millionaire thinking of venturing outside in the coming few weeks not to do so without first donning a hard hat.
As I may have mentioned before, the seagulls here on Ramsgate's newly fashionable East Cliff have bloated up to the size of standard poodles, now that they've discovered the feast of leftover smoked salmon and caviar to be had by clawing their way into the bin bags deposited on the pavements every Thursday morning.
And now it's the mating season, their taste in nesting material appears to have gone upmarket too.
Puzzled this afternoon by a loud squawk from the back garden, I rushed out just in time to see half a brick descend from the heavens with a thud onto the perfectly manicured lawn. This gargantuan piece of masonry had evidently been dropped by a passing gull, on its way to its nesting site.
Well, actually, on closer inspection it turned out to be half a Dundee cake, but, I mean, it could still have done someone a really nasty injury.
I would therefore advise any millionaire thinking of venturing outside in the coming few weeks not to do so without first donning a hard hat.
Snot Funny
Roger came over for tea last night, and with all the talk of local delicacies, we decided to slum it a bit and try our local chippy.
The fish and chips looked first class, but we were slightly put out by the sight of the man queuing in front of us, who at first glance appeared to have one of those 70s, punk style paperclips through his septum.
We needn't have worried unduly, though. When the fellow turned round it became apparent that what we had imagined was a bent paperclip through the fellow's nose was nothing more worrying than two rivulets of rather viscous snot which, having dribbled from each nostril, had subsequently joined forces to form a kind of phlegmy wishbone.
Now that's something you don't see in Folkestone.
The fish and chips looked first class, but we were slightly put out by the sight of the man queuing in front of us, who at first glance appeared to have one of those 70s, punk style paperclips through his septum.
We needn't have worried unduly, though. When the fellow turned round it became apparent that what we had imagined was a bent paperclip through the fellow's nose was nothing more worrying than two rivulets of rather viscous snot which, having dribbled from each nostril, had subsequently joined forces to form a kind of phlegmy wishbone.
Now that's something you don't see in Folkestone.
Best Of Times, Wurst Of Times
My new friend Tony Flaig over in the Arsonists' Playground informs me that he is not actually eating a pie in the photo of him on his Bignews Margate blog. It is, in fact, a delicious sausage, which he is devouring in Wenceslas Square in Prague.
It's a pity, as I was hoping he was tucking into some as yet unrecorded local delicacy, but I'm glad to put the record straight, and have changed my link to him accordingly. I'll just have to continue making do with those pasties they sell out the back of Sweeney Todd's on King Street.
It's a pity, as I was hoping he was tucking into some as yet unrecorded local delicacy, but I'm glad to put the record straight, and have changed my link to him accordingly. I'll just have to continue making do with those pasties they sell out the back of Sweeney Todd's on King Street.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
One In The Eye For Pugin
I see one of our poodle sized seagulls has made a rather substantial deposit on the recently restored statue of Pugin opposite the Granville.
The culprit appeared to be subsequently enjoying 40 winks atop the newly-painted fountain adjacent.
Good to see the local birds appreciating all the improvements inward investment is bringing to the area.
The culprit appeared to be subsequently enjoying 40 winks atop the newly-painted fountain adjacent.
Good to see the local birds appreciating all the improvements inward investment is bringing to the area.
Jim Beams
I've just had a very nice email from that lovely Jim Scott, the lightning Lighting Engineer from Kent County Council. If you remember, 'Scottie' and his band of Frenchie engineers from EDF installed the new/old lights on Victoria Parade, and removed the old old ones at warp speed over the Easter break.
"Ye cann'a change the laws of physics," Scottie quips, after a colleague put him in the picture about my humble jottings here on the East Cliff. But I beg to differ. Jim and his team sorted out the situation at, well, light speed!
So as a special 'thankyou', I've invited him and his bag of glowing dilithium crystals over to my cliff top mansion for a few glasses of Romulan Ale. And I suppose I'd better also put on a couple of garlic baguettes and a bottle of Pernod for the Frenchies.
"Ye cann'a change the laws of physics," Scottie quips, after a colleague put him in the picture about my humble jottings here on the East Cliff. But I beg to differ. Jim and his team sorted out the situation at, well, light speed!
So as a special 'thankyou', I've invited him and his bag of glowing dilithium crystals over to my cliff top mansion for a few glasses of Romulan Ale. And I suppose I'd better also put on a couple of garlic baguettes and a bottle of Pernod for the Frenchies.
Honour Off
I must have been mad, standing outside the Granville all day yesterday, waving my tiny flag. What was I thinking? The Queen coming to Ramsgate? To bestow an honour upon its most eminent citizen (me)? On her birthday?
It's obvious now. She must be coming on her official birthday in June. It's better, really, because at least it gives me a chance to get fitted for a proper garter.
It's obvious now. She must be coming on her official birthday in June. It's better, really, because at least it gives me a chance to get fitted for a proper garter.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Flying The Flag
Well I've been out there all day with my little Union Jack on a stick. Nothing.
Still, I'll give it a few more hours. Maybe she's been held up in all the traffic out by Westwood Cross.
Still, I'll give it a few more hours. Maybe she's been held up in all the traffic out by Westwood Cross.
Birthday Honours
The more I think about it, the more certain I am that Her Madge must be coming to Ramsgate to mark her 80th birthday today. She may even be about to bestow a special honour upon a certain special someone, if you catch my drift!
Odd though. I've studied her official published schedule for the day, which includes immensely dull activities such as 'raising an extra large flag at Windsor Castle', and 'tribute to the Queen by Prince Charles to be broadcast on Radio 4', but no mention of the special trip down to the Millionaires' Playground.
They must be keeping it as a lovely surprise for her. I expect they're rolling out the red carpet at Kent International Airport as we speak. I'd better go and stand down by the Granville. Don't want to miss out.
Odd though. I've studied her official published schedule for the day, which includes immensely dull activities such as 'raising an extra large flag at Windsor Castle', and 'tribute to the Queen by Prince Charles to be broadcast on Radio 4', but no mention of the special trip down to the Millionaires' Playground.
They must be keeping it as a lovely surprise for her. I expect they're rolling out the red carpet at Kent International Airport as we speak. I'd better go and stand down by the Granville. Don't want to miss out.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Glaze Your Arses To The Queer Old Dean
Out on my evening stroll along the East Cliff tonight, I noticed that the peculiar fountain opposite the Granville is being restored. It started me pondering on the recent string of amazing improvements around here, viz:
- Fido hoovers barker's nests from Augusta Stairs
- New lamp posts installed
- Old lamp posts removed
- New multi-storey flag pole on Wellington Crescent
- All beds planted with flowers
- Abandoned cars crushed by local councillor
- Millionaires (Richard Branston, Roman Abramovich, TBA Noel, me) move in by the boat load
It all adds up. It can only mean one thing. Tomorrow, it's HER birthday. She must be going to make a surprise visit to the Millionaires' Playground.
Blimey, I'd better go and iron the nets.
- Fido hoovers barker's nests from Augusta Stairs
- New lamp posts installed
- Old lamp posts removed
- New multi-storey flag pole on Wellington Crescent
- All beds planted with flowers
- Abandoned cars crushed by local councillor
- Millionaires (Richard Branston, Roman Abramovich, TBA Noel, me) move in by the boat load
It all adds up. It can only mean one thing. Tomorrow, it's HER birthday. She must be going to make a surprise visit to the Millionaires' Playground.
Blimey, I'd better go and iron the nets.
Chimnobyl Site 'Capable Of Sustaining Life' Say Scientists
A report by scientists today claimed that the Chimnobyl caravan site in North Kent was more than capable of sustaining life, twenty years after the disaster which caused it to be created in the first place. The report concludes that expansion of the site should go ahead to accommodate the huge number of plumbers, used car salesmen and estate agents that have returned to the area and made it their permanent temporary home.
"We've even heard there might be the odd bank manager in there," said Boris Traylertrasch, head of the team that spent two months exploring the area armed only with Geiger counters, full NBC suits and tickets to see Westlife. "We found they were living as long as ordinary people."
He added that the team found plenty of evidence of DNA mutations, but nothing that impaired physiology or reproductive ability, barring the occasional discarded KFC Deluxe Boneless Box. "Nothing with two heads," he said. "Although there are rumours within the site that a builder with three legs called Jake lives in the ninth van down on the right."
"We've even heard there might be the odd bank manager in there," said Boris Traylertrasch, head of the team that spent two months exploring the area armed only with Geiger counters, full NBC suits and tickets to see Westlife. "We found they were living as long as ordinary people."
He added that the team found plenty of evidence of DNA mutations, but nothing that impaired physiology or reproductive ability, barring the occasional discarded KFC Deluxe Boneless Box. "Nothing with two heads," he said. "Although there are rumours within the site that a builder with three legs called Jake lives in the ninth van down on the right."
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Railing Against The Establishment
Grrrr. Almost three weeks now since I submitted my online complaint to the local council about the hideous temporary fencing all along the cliff top promenade opposite Wellington Crescent.
Since when, nothing. Zip. Nada. Not a sausage.
So today I've sent it again.
"Thank you for submitting your complaint or comment. You will receive a response within five working days from the Public Affairs unit," it chirpily responds after I press 'submit'.
Five working days, eh? Of course, silly me, it was in all the papers. I clean forgot that Thanet Council's Public Affairs Unit relocated to Uranus several months ago, and that each day there lasts the equivalent of 72 Earth days.
It's a simple mistake, really. Could have happened to anyone. I don't know what I was thinking of. Really I don't. Only another 359 working Earth days to go, then. Hey ho. Mustn't grumble.
Since when, nothing. Zip. Nada. Not a sausage.
So today I've sent it again.
"Thank you for submitting your complaint or comment. You will receive a response within five working days from the Public Affairs unit," it chirpily responds after I press 'submit'.
Five working days, eh? Of course, silly me, it was in all the papers. I clean forgot that Thanet Council's Public Affairs Unit relocated to Uranus several months ago, and that each day there lasts the equivalent of 72 Earth days.
It's a simple mistake, really. Could have happened to anyone. I don't know what I was thinking of. Really I don't. Only another 359 working Earth days to go, then. Hey ho. Mustn't grumble.
Flame Game
Anyone would think I was obsessed with that bloody awful Noel. It's probably best to move on, now that I've got that out of my system.
I'm just back from auditioning for the role of 'Voice of Pink Flame' in that jolly series of animated British Gas commercials. I'm not sure how well it went, though, as the casting director pulled a mouth like a cat's bottom when I ad libbed and went into my "You can't get rid of me that easily!" routine.
I think they're still smarting from all the lawsuits brought by parents of kids in the 80s who, in imitation of Bob Hoskins and J R Ewing, set their thumbs on fire and burnt the house down (particularly popular trick in Cliftonville, I heard). So the idea of a flame dancing around and shouting "You can't get rid of me that easily!" might not have conveyed the kind of message they're after.
But on the plus side, the people behind 'The Rich List' are apparently having a rethink, so I might be back in with a chance there.
I'm just back from auditioning for the role of 'Voice of Pink Flame' in that jolly series of animated British Gas commercials. I'm not sure how well it went, though, as the casting director pulled a mouth like a cat's bottom when I ad libbed and went into my "You can't get rid of me that easily!" routine.
I think they're still smarting from all the lawsuits brought by parents of kids in the 80s who, in imitation of Bob Hoskins and J R Ewing, set their thumbs on fire and burnt the house down (particularly popular trick in Cliftonville, I heard). So the idea of a flame dancing around and shouting "You can't get rid of me that easily!" might not have conveyed the kind of message they're after.
But on the plus side, the people behind 'The Rich List' are apparently having a rethink, so I might be back in with a chance there.
Deal Or Noel Deal 3
As one of my correspondents has rightly pointed out, I have actually dropped below that bloody awful Noel in the Google charts.
Drat! This calls for desperate measures.
Drat! This calls for desperate measures.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Deal Or Noel Deal 2
This isn't a post at all, in the normal sense.
It's just that it gives me great pleasure to see my site ranked above that bloody awful Noel's when people enter 'Noel' and 'deal' as search terms in Google. Yes, yes, I know they're looking for that nauseous quiz show he does on Channel 4, but by regularly putting it in my blog as a title, I ensure that I get top Google billing!
It may be petty gratification, but you don't have to be a millionaire to enjoy it!
It's just that it gives me great pleasure to see my site ranked above that bloody awful Noel's when people enter 'Noel' and 'deal' as search terms in Google. Yes, yes, I know they're looking for that nauseous quiz show he does on Channel 4, but by regularly putting it in my blog as a title, I ensure that I get top Google billing!
It may be petty gratification, but you don't have to be a millionaire to enjoy it!
The Last Post
How satisfying to see that Kent County Council's 'Scotty' and his team of French engineers have today finished removing all the 'doubled up' lamp posts from Victoria Esplanade.
A fine example of Anglo-French co-operation, and a timely reminder that it doesn't always have to end up like Dunkerque, Concorde or the Peugeot Ryton plant.
Vive la difference!
A fine example of Anglo-French co-operation, and a timely reminder that it doesn't always have to end up like Dunkerque, Concorde or the Peugeot Ryton plant.
Vive la difference!
Barker's Nest Down The Drain
Bad news. Barker's Nest will not be going ahead.
I know you're all going to be disappointed, and so am I, but Heston could not guarantee daily deliveries of his new compote of freeze dried snail's liver, and without that, I'm afraid, we're sunk.
Perhaps it was a tad ambitious for Ramsgate Harbour anyway. After all, when you can get saithe and chips for £1.25 at Peter's Fish Factory, the demand for char-grilled giraffe bogies is, in all likelihood, going to be limited to only the Bentley and Sunseeker set, and they can be awfully fickle.
Perhaps I should put in a bid for Ronnie Corbett's kiosk instead, he seemed to be doing a roaring trade over the Easter break.
I know you're all going to be disappointed, and so am I, but Heston could not guarantee daily deliveries of his new compote of freeze dried snail's liver, and without that, I'm afraid, we're sunk.
Perhaps it was a tad ambitious for Ramsgate Harbour anyway. After all, when you can get saithe and chips for £1.25 at Peter's Fish Factory, the demand for char-grilled giraffe bogies is, in all likelihood, going to be limited to only the Bentley and Sunseeker set, and they can be awfully fickle.
Perhaps I should put in a bid for Ronnie Corbett's kiosk instead, he seemed to be doing a roaring trade over the Easter break.
Margate Chosen As Site Of 'Giant Arse'
The Arts Council announced today that a huge, new 'iconic' sculpture has been commissioned, and will be in place in the traditional seaside town of Margate by the end of the decade.
The giant sculpture, designed to help regenerate the south coast town which has seen better days, will be more than 200 feet high, the tallest in the UK, and will dominate the seafront. It follows the success of the Angel of the North on Tyneside, and Manchester's B of the Bang!.
The news, though, has received a mixed reception among local residents, one of whom described the sculpture as 'looking like a giant arse'.
Contractors are now being approached with a view to construction work beginning on the giant arse by 2008.
The giant sculpture, designed to help regenerate the south coast town which has seen better days, will be more than 200 feet high, the tallest in the UK, and will dominate the seafront. It follows the success of the Angel of the North on Tyneside, and Manchester's B of the Bang!.
The news, though, has received a mixed reception among local residents, one of whom described the sculpture as 'looking like a giant arse'.
Contractors are now being approached with a view to construction work beginning on the giant arse by 2008.
More Flash Mobs Planned
Yesterday's flashmob event when several million people turned up to wave at Margate's Big Wheel was so successful that the organisers tell me more are planned. Ideas include:
- Huge human 'X' on spot where Turner Centre would have been (water wings provided)
- Huge crowd of people dressed in red to form giant lips and 'take off' from Kent International Airport runway
- Walking telephone (as requested by Mr P. Patel, East Cliff post office).
If I get any further updates, I'll let you know.
- Huge human 'X' on spot where Turner Centre would have been (water wings provided)
- Huge crowd of people dressed in red to form giant lips and 'take off' from Kent International Airport runway
- Walking telephone (as requested by Mr P. Patel, East Cliff post office).
If I get any further updates, I'll let you know.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Flash Mob News Flash
Today's flash mob over on the north coast was apparently a great success, with well over a million Michael Caine impersonators saluting One-Eyed Pete's Big Wheelie on the seafront at one stage. Just the breath of fresh air Margate needs.
And what more appropriate way to celebrate that success than by watching Westworld starring the dear departed lovely Yul Brynner on BBC1 later? Life really doesn't get much better than this.
And what more appropriate way to celebrate that success than by watching Westworld starring the dear departed lovely Yul Brynner on BBC1 later? Life really doesn't get much better than this.
Not A Lot Of People Know This
Today's the day when a bunch of 'flash gits' impersonating Michael Caine and 'giving it all a bit of that' are due to descend on Margate.
The 'flash mob', as they quaintly call themselves, will be gathering in Cecil Square at 3pm, and spending the next couple of hours circulating through the town, calling each other 'muppets', and shouting to each other that they were 'only supposed to blow the bloody doors off'. This will be followed by a concert at the Winter Gardens, where they will be performing 'This Is The Self-Preservation Society' and other popular Michael Caine songs.
They are then scheduled to head back to 'the smoke' in their cute little red, white and blue minis, but in a spectacular stunt they will, in fact, push the cars off Nayland Rock, decamp into an original 1969 Bedford VAL six-wheel coach, and subsequently attempt to drive that off a cliff near Reculver.
Very impressive, 'lads', and the best of luck with the day.
The 'flash mob', as they quaintly call themselves, will be gathering in Cecil Square at 3pm, and spending the next couple of hours circulating through the town, calling each other 'muppets', and shouting to each other that they were 'only supposed to blow the bloody doors off'. This will be followed by a concert at the Winter Gardens, where they will be performing 'This Is The Self-Preservation Society' and other popular Michael Caine songs.
They are then scheduled to head back to 'the smoke' in their cute little red, white and blue minis, but in a spectacular stunt they will, in fact, push the cars off Nayland Rock, decamp into an original 1969 Bedford VAL six-wheel coach, and subsequently attempt to drive that off a cliff near Reculver.
Very impressive, 'lads', and the best of luck with the day.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Monotony Bay
The sight of a grown man in a Victorian bathing suit knocking out folk tunes on an ancient Scandinavian woodwind instrument does not compare with the best of this country's cultural heritage, I can assure you.
Let's hope tomorrow brings something a bit more exciting, otherwise, just like one of our esteemed local councillors, I'm going to have to marry a Dolly Parton impersonator.
Let's hope tomorrow brings something a bit more exciting, otherwise, just like one of our esteemed local councillors, I'm going to have to marry a Dolly Parton impersonator.
Te Deum Tedium
If, like me, you're not much of a one for God-bothering, Easter Sunday can be the dullest day of the year. The shops are shut, so you can't relieve the boredom by pottering around Harrods. You can't even tool over to B&Q and browse through their latest range of gold plated taps. I could cut the grass, I suppose, but the Lawnflite's in need of a service, so best not to risk that either.
Things have got to the point where I'm seriously contemplating a trip to Broadstairs to watch men in Victorian bathing costumes play 'Hey Nonny No!' on Norwegian Tusselfloytes.
Things have got to the point where I'm seriously contemplating a trip to Broadstairs to watch men in Victorian bathing costumes play 'Hey Nonny No!' on Norwegian Tusselfloytes.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Giant Midget Sub
Phew! That took some doing, but I've just polished off the delicious 6ft giant sub I won in the Subway competition in this week's Thanet Extra.
Some old sea dogs might argue that a 6ft sub, far from being classified as 'giant', might in their day have been more accurately described as 'midget', but I can tell you, having just eaten one, that 'giant' does not even come close to doing it justice. I regard myself as fortunate, however, that I no longer have to imagine the taste sensation which could be contained in such a concoction, or, indeed, picture the surprise on the faces of my family, friends and work colleagues when the delicious whopper is delivered to my home or office.
I just hope there are no complications when it comes to dropping the kids off at the pool tomorrow morning.
Some old sea dogs might argue that a 6ft sub, far from being classified as 'giant', might in their day have been more accurately described as 'midget', but I can tell you, having just eaten one, that 'giant' does not even come close to doing it justice. I regard myself as fortunate, however, that I no longer have to imagine the taste sensation which could be contained in such a concoction, or, indeed, picture the surprise on the faces of my family, friends and work colleagues when the delicious whopper is delivered to my home or office.
I just hope there are no complications when it comes to dropping the kids off at the pool tomorrow morning.
Beer Today, Gone Tomorrow
I thought I'd have another toddle over to the Ale Festival, over on Ramsgate's not-so-trendy West Cliff, just to see if the crowds had died down. But when I got there everyone had packed up and gone home. The entire stock had been glugged, and all that remained were some Morris Men lying flat on their backs, waving their jangly legs in the air.
So I've had to make do with slumping in my cliff top mansion, flicking between two episodes of the Rockford Files being presented to us simultaneously by BBC2 and ITV1 this afternoon. Maybe I should get Sky after all.
So I've had to make do with slumping in my cliff top mansion, flicking between two episodes of the Rockford Files being presented to us simultaneously by BBC2 and ITV1 this afternoon. Maybe I should get Sky after all.
Splendid New Blog
Feeling a bit more lively now, and, after having a quick snoop around the interweb, I've found a splendid new blog which really does reflect Ramsgate's up-and-coming status as the millionaires', and artists', playground. Well, artists need millionaires to patronise them, don't they? And I've met many artists who have said they've found me incredibly patronising.
Anyway, take a look at Arts and Elbows.
Anyway, take a look at Arts and Elbows.
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