Dear Colonel Bufton, I am a gay man living in a civil partnership. My partner and I are thinking of relocating to the Isle of Thanet, but we have heard that the area is a UKIP stronghold. Do you think we should reconsider? T.
Colonel Bufton writes: Oh do shut your bone box and give your bellows a rest, there's a good fellow. It's fart catchers like you who give the place a bad name, causing the Wantsum to fill up again an' all, what! Get a bit of dash-fire in your loins and find yourself a memsahib! What!
Dear Colonel Bufton, I am Bulgar woman please excuse bad English. I want field picking job in England and think to relocate with the Isle of Thanet. But I am hearing from friends that bad men who hate Europe come and spoil things with it. Do you think I reconsider? Ж.
Colonel Bufton writes: You are undoubtedly off your chump. We don't want sauceboxes like you here, what! Tell your chums in Bongo Bongo Land, or wherever it is you come from, that they are not welcome in Blighty! Now cut your stick, you snotter! What!
Dear Colonel Bufton, I am a thoroughly British gent who likes a pint and a ciggie. As the next step in my political career, I am thinking of relocating to the Isle of Thanet, but I have heard the area is a stronghold for the smelly socks brigade. Do you think I should reconsider? N.
Colonel Bufton writes: My dear chap, we would be absolutely delighted to see you here in Thanet, what! You sound like just the sort of decent cove we're looking for. I would be chuffed to buggery to welcome you into my home, as would Mrs Bufton, who has asked me to add that she would be privileged to let you take her up the smeller. Chin chin! What!
That's enough Colonel Bufton - Ed.
30 comments:
up the smelter..... lololol
Dear Col B I am a Thanet District Councillor who got caught on camera at an anti-UKIP demo. What should I do?
Dear Colonel Bufton you may have seen me on Tuesday night in the BBC documentary "The Naked Rambler". Do you think I would be given a warm welcome if I can to live in Thanet? I could become a "Naked in Thanet" tourist attraction and could also exhibit in the Turner gallery.
My Dear Bufton
It's "Flash" here. We used to often mess together as part of an expeditionary party in Bongo Bongo land.
Thanet you say ? As you know in spite of the VC I scammed, in the end my departure from the military was not all together amicable.
In fact, very useful fellow forging documents and avoiding payment of business rates, Thanet as a matter of fact !
"Cyril" printed me up the most glowing Army Service Record. Next thing I was Chair of the local branch of the regimental assn what. Naturally next step tory councillor on the planning committee.
Politics ? Many years I was an absolute stalwart of the tory association. Even passed through the chair what.
Then UKIP came along. I didn't want to join. Though transferring allegiance has never been a problem to me as you know.
Turns out, green banana job methinks, the tories wanted me in UKIP so they could criticise UKIP for little England, right wing, homophobic, xenophobic membership.
Anyway must orf I have my leather shorts on and will be attending a Hitler Youth rally with the League of the Crawss of St George. Onward and upward little Christian soldiers"
A good try everyone but satire works better when it's actually funny.
I recomend a study on Youtube of eg 'Bremner,Bird And Fortune'. Or read Swift. As for local blogs, I suggest Simom Moores.
Spite is not satire, it is just spite.
You have got to come up with a dialogue between the Colonel and Sister Assumpta ECR.
As it happens er indoors mentioned Sister Assumpta just the other day.
In what has turned out to have been tragic circumstances, whilst hope was alive, the people of Edinburgh turned out to search for a missing little lad.
Inspiring turn out. Er Indoors, watching the news, happened to say "Good for a country that is apparently institutionally racist. Those Scottish people would impress even Sister Assumpta by the way where has she been of late ?"
So I said that I think ECR may have unbanned me by now so I'll give it a mention.
"Wouldn't that be thread stealing again", she asked.
"Probably .........."
But in times of austerity, brutal benefits cuts, placard weaponry at demos and so on maybe it is a time to reflect that there is a vein of good will left in the country yet.
Anyway please give us some input from Sister Assumpta.
Here's some satire for you Mr H - sod off back to the hole you came from! See - hilarious!
ECR 2:51,
Nah, still not funny. Too much spite showing through. But I expect your ego is assuaged.
Yep, that's exactly what this blog is about, assuaging my ego through spite, dimwit. So be a good chap and take your half-arsed, lame, Holyer-than-thou comments back to the north side of the island where they belong.
Well if Ramsgate gets flooded at least I know who's fault it is.
ECR 4:55pm,
I do not understand your remark about North Thanet and conclude that it is a further example of your innate spite.
Our exchange demonstrates that you are not the satirist or wit that you imagine yourself to be, and that you are at heart little more than a yob.
In order to assuage your ego I shall leave you to have the last word.
That's not Colonel Bufton. It looks like Jack Cohen to me.
I think, Holyer, that ECR means your drooling, right-wing bias, personal rudeness , intellectual snobbery and obvious bigotry are so much in line with the odious MP for Thanet North that you belong in his constituency.
I couldn't possibly comment.
Don't waste your time on Holyer ECR. He is a well known local inadequate who, like Checksfield, trolls the blogs trying to get a reaction off people to bolster his own pathetic insecurities. Best to ignore him and consign any further comments from him to the trash.
Is Checksfield even on the blogs anymore? I haven't seen him.
Somewhere you lost me, 5:05. If you couldn't possibly comment, why ever did you?
I think Mr Holyer's remarks on this thread have been nothing to do with politics, but more a critique of what sometimes passes for humour here.
As I said, yobs.
Holyer is that idiot who likes Manston because his Dad worked there once and refuses to acknowledge or explain the pollution or £1 sale.
Stuck in the past and like many a dull Thanet pensioner he spends his days blogging to justify his sad life and the decline of the area.
At least unlike Latchford and Moores though he doesn't stand for election or take public funds to deny the pollution and corruption they created with Macgonagal.
Why have they not resigned - again in Latchford's case?
Is this Holyer and Epps?
Holyer has derided the humour offered here by ECR, and now refers to his critics as "yobs".
This aggressive, rent-a-mouth contributor appears to prefer humour that is rooted in the use of physical or mental disability, reliance on medication, or unemployment - which often form his terms of insult against people too.
He recommends Thanet Life as preferred reading - a site which is built almost entirely on smears, veiled accusations and threats against those outside the close knit group that is the political right-wing locally.
And he expects anyone to take him seriously?
No, 2:51, they are both Garbutt from different angles before he put on weight!
OK Tim, that's enough for now, you're getting overexcited.
I think you should try https://twitter.com/petercmargate
if you are missing Checkfield's wisdom. He still seems to be alive and running around the town
Dear Colonel
I have a problem with an invisible friend. I call him "Rick". Over the last year or so I have felt compelled to answer his messages on my blog but I don't publish the message I answer.
It is like Harvey the invisible rabbit friend. My readership have asked, of late, if I really had messages from "Rick" at all.
I am in a quandary. What it is I don't understand the comment. It was about two men snogging outside the Walpole prior to a politician being smote with a placard.
And someone, a seaside postcard caption writer, shouts "Don't lose your grasp on the Old Queens Peace".
I didn't understand but that has never stopped me answering before.
Kindest Regards S
Dear Colonel
I am retiring in June. But I still had to stand for a judicial wrist slap, this week, for falling seriously short of standards expected of a Judicial Officer of the Queens Peace.
Well let's not have an inquest about it I say.
Colonel will you publish so John Holyer can announce that it's not funny ? And be right for once.
Beckie
Dear Colonel
Me timber leg is aching with the colic outrages shiver me timbers n all. I spied a mention of Harvey the invisible friend.
I was on the dog watch back a while and I spied me a ferry boat I thought might make a nice prize for the parish coffers of thanet bulging as they are with emptitude.
So I does no more shipmate than puts on me arbour master hat and phones the skipper. "Cap'n Harvey on the old hurry up if you would oblige. I wants orders to impound a vessel currently ove to in me arbour"
Invisible ! No one else can see Harvey. It warnt long in the scheme of things before no one could see the ruddy vessel either.
Orf to Tilbury it was. Worry ? Of course I worried. So I phoned the skipper. "Capn Harvey has been missing from the bridge for some half hour" I sez "Do you reckon he's been press ganged to the service of a vessel currently under full sail to Tilbury cos me and the tough lads of the lifeboat are thinking of a boarding party. They got the rum in already"
Apparently his invisibility cloak only works for a vital half hour at a time and there he was at the penniless helm bold as brass again. Stand down the boarding party.
There's a fellow who worked for the Foreign Office. Sophisticated sense of humour don't get me started shipmate. Laugh a minute that lad. So I sez to him "You ought to write jokes cos comedians buy new material".
Parable of the Talents innit. Would be wrong to let a talent like his go unused. "Spread some laughter" I sez to him.
He is such a jolly soul too. He laughed and he sez to me "What a wizard idea. I will start with a fine joke about my days supervising the erection of scaffolding in Downing Street. When I was in the FO."
I interceded at this point "Was Biggles there advising the PM on cyber security and deployment of the commando reserve ? He could have brought his katana along to join our boarding party if Harvey hadn't re-appeared by the way"
"Where was I" he asked
"Erecting scaffolding" I prompted.
"What's funny about that " he asked
"I dunno you ain't told me yet Johnny"
Can you save him space on your problem page so he can finish the joke. I'm sure it's hilarious he is such a joker that one.
Heave ho Yours ever the Arbour Master
Dear Colonel
It has come to my attention that you may be expecting me to finish the recounting of my Downing Street scaffolding joke.
The joke is based on a true story but, on reflection, I deem it not circumspect to detail the incident into humour.
The incident having suffered something of an unfortunate conclusion. As I have recounted on blogs before I was stung with a bill for several grand by the scaffolders who placed, upon their Downing Street erection, a union flag. A delightful, quirky, quintessentially Chatham House English touch of humour. To amuse his visiting dignatory the President of Bongo Bongo Land.
All would have been well, apart from the scaffolders billing the FO, but for one of the burly erectors playing a scaffolder prank. He clamped up Downing Street vehicle gates. He assured me he would have the gates unclamped by the time the Bongo Bongo Land delegation arrived.
But at just that moment a government minister emerged from 10 Downing street and mounted his bike. Naturally I abandoned my usual diplomatic veneer and I shouted at the burly scaffolder "Open that gate you pleb"
This remark chanced to be heard by an invisible off duty copper who attributed it to the minister in an email he now admits was a lie.
So I retired to Thanet to embellish and enrichen the local blog scene. But I learned never to use the P word again so I use "Yobs" now when wishing to signal my disdain for lesser persons.
Fraternal felicitations my dear Colonel Johnny
Anon 7:28, 7:58, etc,etc,
Snidy, yes - but funny no. Those comments have your grubby paw print all over them, Tim.
Or maybe even Ruben Latchford
Just Anonymouse Holyer having a whinge at 12:40. Miserable at manston crashing and burning no doubt and blaming Tim rather than TDC and Infratil.
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