Like Man Eating Sausage, I seem to have come out in a nasty rash of spambot comments recently.
To save the bother of deleting them every time, I've turned on word verification. It's a bit more hassle, but it does at least offer the frisson of the random letter generator coming up with a rude word every now and then. Enjoy!
Monday, July 24, 2006
Wrist Watch
No time to blog over the weekend, I've been busy rehearsing for the UK's first ever Masturbate-a-thon.
When Bev, my agent, originally asked me if I'd be interested in guesting at this rather unusual charity fund raiser, I thought she was pulling my plonker. Now it turns out I'll be pulling it myself.
Still, it's all for a good cause, and in the best possible taste, and, needless to say, Channel 4 will be making a documentary about it, so there'll be a bit of exposure there, too.
So do come and join in the fun on the 5th of August. Unless you're not feeling yourself, that is.
When Bev, my agent, originally asked me if I'd be interested in guesting at this rather unusual charity fund raiser, I thought she was pulling my plonker. Now it turns out I'll be pulling it myself.
Still, it's all for a good cause, and in the best possible taste, and, needless to say, Channel 4 will be making a documentary about it, so there'll be a bit of exposure there, too.
So do come and join in the fun on the 5th of August. Unless you're not feeling yourself, that is.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Thanet's Logo Is Beautiful...
...Let's Keep It That Way!
No! Let's Keep It This Way!
Er, How About If We Kept It That Way For A Bit?
Thursday, July 20, 2006
CCC The Difference
Phew! Finally managed to work out how to use this new Del Boy laptop I picked up in Canterbury yesterday. I opted for the Del Boy because, well, there are times when even millionaires ask themselves 'Why pay more?'.
Afterwards I stopped for a spot of lunch. What a charming city! Heaps of people everywhere, a street market, buskers, but not a discarded White Lightning tin or casually deposited barker's nest to be seen. And no sign of any nonsense 'Canterbury Is Beautiful' PR campaign, either.
It seems their amenities are run by a company called Serco, and a jolly splendid job they appear to be making of it, too. Perhaps, partly as a consequence, the high street was thriving, with a huge diversity of smart shops and cafes, all doing a roaring trade. I mean, it can't all be because the Archbish lives there, can it?
Sadly here on the Ile de Thanet, despite poaching a number of Richards from Canterbury, all our council can currently muster is a few banners imploring us to keep the place clean, and Sandy Beach's irregular rubbish rounds.
Afterwards I stopped for a spot of lunch. What a charming city! Heaps of people everywhere, a street market, buskers, but not a discarded White Lightning tin or casually deposited barker's nest to be seen. And no sign of any nonsense 'Canterbury Is Beautiful' PR campaign, either.
It seems their amenities are run by a company called Serco, and a jolly splendid job they appear to be making of it, too. Perhaps, partly as a consequence, the high street was thriving, with a huge diversity of smart shops and cafes, all doing a roaring trade. I mean, it can't all be because the Archbish lives there, can it?
Sadly here on the Ile de Thanet, despite poaching a number of Richards from Canterbury, all our council can currently muster is a few banners imploring us to keep the place clean, and Sandy Beach's irregular rubbish rounds.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
A Load Of Richards
I'm finding it difficult to blog without an 'O', but I'll try anyway.
Out and about last night, I got talking to our local hop wizard Mr Gadd, who's now practising his hoppy magic out on Pyson's Road, and doing famously by all accounts. During our chat, it was also plain that said Gadd is a bit of a fan of my blog, and was not backward in hinting that our town's anonymous blogman was known to him.
Sadly I had to put him straight, and inform him I was not the jolly chap in a 2CV who plays a guitar.
Soo! Who noods an 'O'? Blast.
Out and about last night, I got talking to our local hop wizard Mr Gadd, who's now practising his hoppy magic out on Pyson's Road, and doing famously by all accounts. During our chat, it was also plain that said Gadd is a bit of a fan of my blog, and was not backward in hinting that our town's anonymous blogman was known to him.
Sadly I had to put him straight, and inform him I was not the jolly chap in a 2CV who plays a guitar.
Soo! Who noods an 'O'? Blast.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Koyboard Playor
What a disastor! I loft my laptop out in tho consorvatory this morning, and tho sun was so hot it's moltod won of tho koys. Roading this, pooplo must think I'vo got a spooch impodimont or somothing.
As you can probably toll, it's tho 'O' koy that's tho problom.
As you can probably toll, it's tho 'O' koy that's tho problom.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Birds On The Bleach
Walking along the back streets earlier, I came across a notice in one of the shop windows imploring us Ramsgate millionaires to do whatever we can to eradicate the horrendous seagull problem round here (see ECR passim).
"Three cheers!" I thought. What should I do?
'Always keep your rubbish bags in a plastic, bird proof bin.' Sensible.
'Only bring out your rubbish bags on the morning of collection.' Hurrah.
'Once you've brought your rubbish bags out onto the pavement, spray them with cheap bleach. This will deter the seagulls from pecking them open.'
Good advice. Most of the seagulls in the Millionaires' Playground have developed such expensive tastes that spraying our rubbish bags with a premium bleach like Domestos would only introduce them to a whole new flavour experience.
"Three cheers!" I thought. What should I do?
'Always keep your rubbish bags in a plastic, bird proof bin.' Sensible.
'Only bring out your rubbish bags on the morning of collection.' Hurrah.
'Once you've brought your rubbish bags out onto the pavement, spray them with cheap bleach. This will deter the seagulls from pecking them open.'
Good advice. Most of the seagulls in the Millionaires' Playground have developed such expensive tastes that spraying our rubbish bags with a premium bleach like Domestos would only introduce them to a whole new flavour experience.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Burglars
Tottering back from yet another evening of overindulgence on Harbour Parade last night, I stumbled across a group of people milling around outside a guest house on one of the East Cliff back streets.
Apparently the B&B had just been burgled, with a number of effects stolen from the room of a German guest. The rozzers had been called a while back, but were still C by their A.
Several phone calls and twenty minutes later, a cop car was seen pulling up miles away at the other end of the street, leaving the distraught proprietor to run after them, and the poor German lady muttering something about the staggering inefficiency of our Boys In Blue. Finally, half an hour after Raffles had presumably had it away on his toes, two of Her Majesty's finest testicle jugglers rocked up to the guest house, with one of them bellowing triumphantly into his radio: "We've found it."
Anyone taking odds on the prospect of the same silly constable ever reporting in: "We've found him"?
Apparently the B&B had just been burgled, with a number of effects stolen from the room of a German guest. The rozzers had been called a while back, but were still C by their A.
Several phone calls and twenty minutes later, a cop car was seen pulling up miles away at the other end of the street, leaving the distraught proprietor to run after them, and the poor German lady muttering something about the staggering inefficiency of our Boys In Blue. Finally, half an hour after Raffles had presumably had it away on his toes, two of Her Majesty's finest testicle jugglers rocked up to the guest house, with one of them bellowing triumphantly into his radio: "We've found it."
Anyone taking odds on the prospect of the same silly constable ever reporting in: "We've found him"?
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Folking Hell
As the seedy north of the Ile gears up for this weekend's Black Smoke Jazz Festival (sponsors Bryant and May), excitement is also mounting in Broadstairs, where Victorian bathing costumes are about to make way for the thrills and spills of hemp smocks and bladders on sticks.
Yes, the Dickensians are eagerly aniticipating their annual Folk Week, which takes place next month. Around 150,000 men and women with beards are expected to descend on the quaint seaside town, turning the camp site at Upton School into a mini version of Glastonbury, with the waft of illicit drugs such as Old Nutty Shag and Nadger's Dorchester Wobbly permeating the air.
The organisers, Norman and Norma Normal, have given me a sneak preview of some of the highlights:
ACCORDIONLY YOURS
Ralph Barking has been squeezing his box all over the world since 1923. He has some real treats in store for Broadstairs, including his famous rendition of All Around My Hat, performed atop a hairy midget riding a unicycle (midget tbc).
THE MANIC MORRIS MEN OF MELTON MOWBRAY
Gaily adorned in their bowler hats, black breeches and dancing clogs, The Manic Morris Men Of Melton Mowbray will be staging impromptu performances throughout the week, including their world renowned set 'You Ate My Pork Pie You F*cking Bastard' (not suitable for children).
NOSEFLUTES OF NORWAY (SPONSORED BY VICKS SINEX)
You have to admire their phlegm! The Trondheim Noseflute Choir will be flying in especially for Folk Week. Watch out for their piece de resistance, a 14 hour medley of old favourites, including Blow The Man Down, Colonel Bogey, and Greensleeves.
Yes, the Dickensians are eagerly aniticipating their annual Folk Week, which takes place next month. Around 150,000 men and women with beards are expected to descend on the quaint seaside town, turning the camp site at Upton School into a mini version of Glastonbury, with the waft of illicit drugs such as Old Nutty Shag and Nadger's Dorchester Wobbly permeating the air.
The organisers, Norman and Norma Normal, have given me a sneak preview of some of the highlights:
ACCORDIONLY YOURS
Ralph Barking has been squeezing his box all over the world since 1923. He has some real treats in store for Broadstairs, including his famous rendition of All Around My Hat, performed atop a hairy midget riding a unicycle (midget tbc).
THE MANIC MORRIS MEN OF MELTON MOWBRAY
Gaily adorned in their bowler hats, black breeches and dancing clogs, The Manic Morris Men Of Melton Mowbray will be staging impromptu performances throughout the week, including their world renowned set 'You Ate My Pork Pie You F*cking Bastard' (not suitable for children).
NOSEFLUTES OF NORWAY (SPONSORED BY VICKS SINEX)
You have to admire their phlegm! The Trondheim Noseflute Choir will be flying in especially for Folk Week. Watch out for their piece de resistance, a 14 hour medley of old favourites, including Blow The Man Down, Colonel Bogey, and Greensleeves.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Atomic Power? Yes Please!
Plans to convert Richborough Power Station into a nuclear power plant received an unexpected boost last night.
Quite by chance, BBC2's excellent Horizon science programme presented new evidence that radiation is actually beneficial, and that, far from running away like screaming ninnies any time a nuclear plant like Chernobyl blows up, we should all bathe in the health-giving rays given off by the melting uranium.
The timing couldn't be better, and I've told my City chum, who's putting together the Richborough bid, to count me in for another half a mill!
Quite by chance, BBC2's excellent Horizon science programme presented new evidence that radiation is actually beneficial, and that, far from running away like screaming ninnies any time a nuclear plant like Chernobyl blows up, we should all bathe in the health-giving rays given off by the melting uranium.
The timing couldn't be better, and I've told my City chum, who's putting together the Richborough bid, to count me in for another half a mill!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Sex And Drugs And Toilet Roll
A happy half hour spent with Postman Patel this afternoon, listening to his plans to turn his teeny-tiny post office into a supermegamart.
Already stocked with ciggies and booze, he's going to be carrying a variety of household lines, including 'bathroom tissue', and was keen to learn which brand I use.
"You an effing bloody Andrex bloody man or something a bit bloody effing cheaper?" he chirped. "'Cos I'm only effing bloody going to stock a couple of effing brands." I assured him I was strictly Andrex, and that the prospect of applying Izal to the Eastcliff derrière made me wince.
Shooting off on a completely different tack, he then proceeded to explain how many prostitutes there are in the area. "They don't effing stay in one effing bloody place, they bloody move around."
Well, a Millionaire's Playground is bound to attract an underclass, I suppose, and at least it seems they're giving value for money.
Already stocked with ciggies and booze, he's going to be carrying a variety of household lines, including 'bathroom tissue', and was keen to learn which brand I use.
"You an effing bloody Andrex bloody man or something a bit bloody effing cheaper?" he chirped. "'Cos I'm only effing bloody going to stock a couple of effing brands." I assured him I was strictly Andrex, and that the prospect of applying Izal to the Eastcliff derrière made me wince.
Shooting off on a completely different tack, he then proceeded to explain how many prostitutes there are in the area. "They don't effing stay in one effing bloody place, they bloody move around."
Well, a Millionaire's Playground is bound to attract an underclass, I suppose, and at least it seems they're giving value for money.
The Rough With The Smoothie
Went for a toddle around the harbour yesterday, and ended up at the Smoothie Shack, by the East Cliff lift.
Feeling a trifle thirsty, the prospect of a fruit smoothie was very tempting, and at £2.50 for just over an eggcupful, it looked like an absolute bargain. But one sip of the banana and coconut concoction, and I almost choked up my spare change. The thing was full of husk.
Perhaps someone should let them know that it's the white part of the coconut that goes in the blender.
Feeling a trifle thirsty, the prospect of a fruit smoothie was very tempting, and at £2.50 for just over an eggcupful, it looked like an absolute bargain. But one sip of the banana and coconut concoction, and I almost choked up my spare change. The thing was full of husk.
Perhaps someone should let them know that it's the white part of the coconut that goes in the blender.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Eastcliff Richborough
I notice that übercodger Angina, and my old mucker Ram Skate, have been banging on about the Pleasurama development today.
Quite by chance, it ties in with a little offer that's come my way via one of my City chums.
With 4,513 luxury apartments being built on the charred remains of the former funfair, there's going to be quite a draw on the National Grid. Now that Tone has waved the, er, green flag at all those nuclear Johnnies, I've been offered the chance to jump on the investment bandwagon. The plan is to re-open Richborough as a nuclear power station, and cash in!
It should be a little uranium mine, unless those garlic munchers at EDF get the contract to run it and coq it all up. Still, if they do, look on the bright side. The benefits of glowing in the dark will more than compensate for their inability to install a decent public lighting system round here!
Quite by chance, it ties in with a little offer that's come my way via one of my City chums.
With 4,513 luxury apartments being built on the charred remains of the former funfair, there's going to be quite a draw on the National Grid. Now that Tone has waved the, er, green flag at all those nuclear Johnnies, I've been offered the chance to jump on the investment bandwagon. The plan is to re-open Richborough as a nuclear power station, and cash in!
It should be a little uranium mine, unless those garlic munchers at EDF get the contract to run it and coq it all up. Still, if they do, look on the bright side. The benefits of glowing in the dark will more than compensate for their inability to install a decent public lighting system round here!
What A Difference A 'K' Makes
Re-installed at the CTM, there's no sign of the twins or Mr Kharkov.
More worryingly, my Rolex Oyster (Whitstable Edition) has vanished, as has a large sum from my Coutts account.
Naturally I've called the rozzers, who say there's been a spate of this in the local area over the past few years. Apparently another bunch of Uranians recently hopped it with £8m, having convinced everyone on the Ile that they were going to use it to build a Turnip Centre.
More worryingly, my Rolex Oyster (Whitstable Edition) has vanished, as has a large sum from my Coutts account.
Naturally I've called the rozzers, who say there's been a spate of this in the local area over the past few years. Apparently another bunch of Uranians recently hopped it with £8m, having convinced everyone on the Ile that they were going to use it to build a Turnip Centre.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Catch It Day
What a gruelling shoot.
But the location was superb - huge mansion, overlooking the heath, with an Olympic size indoor swimming pool! They must be going for a very upmarket clientele! No wonder they wanted me to star!
Only problem was, it was blazing hot, and what with all the lights, the purrer's nests, which the props boys had carefully crafted out of Blu Tac, began to melt. And I think they'd rather overdone the scale of them, they looked more like U blockers to me.
Come to think of it, the director was a bit crabby as well, and insisted on referring to me as 'the meat puppet'. As I was leaving, he muttered something which sounded awfully like: "No matter how much I polish this turd, the stench will haunt me for the rest of my career." No, I probably misheard.
Never mind. Luxury lodgings tonight, then a pootle down the M2 in the morning. I'm off to the bar for a couple of glasses of Krug!
But the location was superb - huge mansion, overlooking the heath, with an Olympic size indoor swimming pool! They must be going for a very upmarket clientele! No wonder they wanted me to star!
Only problem was, it was blazing hot, and what with all the lights, the purrer's nests, which the props boys had carefully crafted out of Blu Tac, began to melt. And I think they'd rather overdone the scale of them, they looked more like U blockers to me.
Come to think of it, the director was a bit crabby as well, and insisted on referring to me as 'the meat puppet'. As I was leaving, he muttered something which sounded awfully like: "No matter how much I polish this turd, the stench will haunt me for the rest of my career." No, I probably misheard.
Never mind. Luxury lodgings tonight, then a pootle down the M2 in the morning. I'm off to the bar for a couple of glasses of Krug!
Clot To Trot
Sitting here in my five star hotel in Swiss Cottage last night, I happened to catch a glimpse of 'Only Fools On Horses'. Which spotty herbert at the BBC dreamt that one up? Poor old Angus Deayton looks like he's having about as much fun as if he were watching Messrs Hislop and Merton deliver his funeral oration.
The way these people dream up these programmes these days. "Oh, that would be a clever title for a show. Now, let's see, what would it be about?"
It's so simple, even I can do it:
Only Tools And Courses - ten Z-list celebrities compete to win the title of Plumber Of The Year
Only Jewels And Houses - ten Z-list celebrities compete to win the title of Burglar Of The Year
Lonely Mules And Horses - ten Z-list celebrities compete to win the title of Donkey Breeder Of The Year
Cannon And Ball - after a period of intense training, Bobby Ball is actually fired out of Tommy Cannon's backside. Kills two Z-list celebrities with one stone.
I mean, what a load of old pony. Anyway, moustache now, as I'm due on location in Hampstead.
The way these people dream up these programmes these days. "Oh, that would be a clever title for a show. Now, let's see, what would it be about?"
It's so simple, even I can do it:
Only Tools And Courses - ten Z-list celebrities compete to win the title of Plumber Of The Year
Only Jewels And Houses - ten Z-list celebrities compete to win the title of Burglar Of The Year
Lonely Mules And Horses - ten Z-list celebrities compete to win the title of Donkey Breeder Of The Year
Cannon And Ball - after a period of intense training, Bobby Ball is actually fired out of Tommy Cannon's backside. Kills two Z-list celebrities with one stone.
I mean, what a load of old pony. Anyway, moustache now, as I'm due on location in Hampstead.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Shooting Off
Mr Kharkov appeared to be delighted when I showed him how my Coutts account works. He's now shot off to London with the twins, something about doing some shopping in Bond Street.
Suits me, as I've got to dash up to 'The Village' myself tomorrow, for the Catch It In A Bag shoot. I've been rehearsing the script. My pay-off is: "You can't get rid of me that easily, but now you can get rid of this that easily." Neat, eh?
I wonder what the props boys are going to use for purrer's nests?
Suits me, as I've got to dash up to 'The Village' myself tomorrow, for the Catch It In A Bag shoot. I've been rehearsing the script. My pay-off is: "You can't get rid of me that easily, but now you can get rid of this that easily." Neat, eh?
I wonder what the props boys are going to use for purrer's nests?
Old Brown Eye Is Back
Just before I nip out to the bank with Mr Kharkov, I ought to mention that Ram Skate Raider is back on the scene, this time with his own blog, Thanet Eye.
I expect he'll be poking Thanet in the eye frequently, and with a very sharp stick. I therefore advise sensitive, wilting types in teeny-tiny planes to plot a course around it.
Anyone, though, who likes a bit of a laugh, and isn't offended by words like 'bottom' and 'biggies', should head straight there for Ram Skate's potent cocktail of grin and tonic (with the occasional 'twat' thrown in for good measure).
I expect he'll be poking Thanet in the eye frequently, and with a very sharp stick. I therefore advise sensitive, wilting types in teeny-tiny planes to plot a course around it.
Anyone, though, who likes a bit of a laugh, and isn't offended by words like 'bottom' and 'biggies', should head straight there for Ram Skate's potent cocktail of grin and tonic (with the occasional 'twat' thrown in for good measure).
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Two's Company
Decided to hire an MPV for the airport run in the end. Glad I did, the twins and Mr Kharkov seem to have brought an awful lot of luggage for a weekend break.
Still, they were very impressed by the CTM, and have decided that we're all going to eat out tonight. Mr Kharkov doesn't say much, but he did perk up a bit after he'd taken the TT out for a spin, and he wants to talk about some financial business tomorrow. Apparently he needs my advice.
I expect I'll be tied up for the next day or two, so dosvidania!
Still, they were very impressed by the CTM, and have decided that we're all going to eat out tonight. Mr Kharkov doesn't say much, but he did perk up a bit after he'd taken the TT out for a spin, and he wants to talk about some financial business tomorrow. Apparently he needs my advice.
I expect I'll be tied up for the next day or two, so dosvidania!
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Twinternational Relations
I've spent all afternoon exchanging emails with the twins, and have even spoken to them on the phone. They seem awfully keen to meet me, and have offered to drop everything and come right away if I pay the fare.
So I'm going to meet them at Heathrow tomorrow. Might lead to a bit of a squeeze in the TT, though, especially as they insisted that their chaperone, Mr Kharkov, comes with them.
So I'm going to meet them at Heathrow tomorrow. Might lead to a bit of a squeeze in the TT, though, especially as they insisted that their chaperone, Mr Kharkov, comes with them.
They Leave The West Behind!
This is a snap of Galinka doing a bit of shopping in one of the Ukraine's many high class fashion stores. Hasn't she got great taste? Love the cool shades!
And here's Galechka, photographed at the Ukraine's top night spot 'Murkins' (posed with mannequin).
The Ukraine Girls Really Knock Me Out
Well I've had a look at Galinka and Galechka's website now, and it turns out they're based in the Ukraine!
Here's a picture of them, along with another lady who's name begins with 'G', enjoying the baking hot sunshine and glorious beaches of their mother country.
Not quite sure what gangly England striker Peter Crouch is doing there with them, though.
Home Alone
There's a faint whiff of Nobby No Mates around the old Cliff Top Mansion this morning. Elton's on tour, and Angela's preoccupied with the bottom half of a Georgian she picked up in Hastings.
I even rang my 'wife' and 'kids' to invite them round for tea and Millionaire Shortbread. They said they'd be delighted, as long as I paid them the day rate.
But all is not lost. As if in answer to my prayers, not one, but two emails have arrived from a couple of very respectable sounding ladies, Galinka and Galechka. They must be twins, because they've written the same thing in both their emails. Here's a sample:
"There's love to God, to Mother, to a child, to the country where you were born, and there's the love that joins a man and a woman for all their life. And I'm seeking for the man who is also eager to have this life long adventure full of surprises and new experience we can share together! Will you join me for this trip?"
They want to get to know me better, and have supplied a web address where I can read some more information about them and see some pictures. I think I'll take a look, and then perhaps invite them round for a couple of glasses of Dom!
I even rang my 'wife' and 'kids' to invite them round for tea and Millionaire Shortbread. They said they'd be delighted, as long as I paid them the day rate.
But all is not lost. As if in answer to my prayers, not one, but two emails have arrived from a couple of very respectable sounding ladies, Galinka and Galechka. They must be twins, because they've written the same thing in both their emails. Here's a sample:
"There's love to God, to Mother, to a child, to the country where you were born, and there's the love that joins a man and a woman for all their life. And I'm seeking for the man who is also eager to have this life long adventure full of surprises and new experience we can share together! Will you join me for this trip?"
They want to get to know me better, and have supplied a web address where I can read some more information about them and see some pictures. I think I'll take a look, and then perhaps invite them round for a couple of glasses of Dom!
Friday, July 07, 2006
Lights Out For Summer
Apologies to Alice Cooper, but I'm sure that's what he would have sung if he lived in Ramsgate and saw that there's only one of the attractive blue lights working in the arches on Royal Parade.
If you need confirmation, Little Weed has quite fortuitously provided the evidence in a picture of her big night out during the Powerboat Weekend.
I've been on to Scottie, that chap with dilithium crystals in his jocks, and he's passed on a request for one of his engineer colleagues to look into it.
Let's hope it's not the one who beams down with Kirk, Spock and the rest of the gang, only to be eaten by an alien resembling a rubber fried egg within the first two minutes.
If you need confirmation, Little Weed has quite fortuitously provided the evidence in a picture of her big night out during the Powerboat Weekend.
I've been on to Scottie, that chap with dilithium crystals in his jocks, and he's passed on a request for one of his engineer colleagues to look into it.
Let's hope it's not the one who beams down with Kirk, Spock and the rest of the gang, only to be eaten by an alien resembling a rubber fried egg within the first two minutes.
It's A Boy!
Interesting story in this week's Adscene about nursery boss William Friend, who's discovered a rare orchid in his garden in Margate.
Good to see that the picture desk over in Gazunder Towers have their mind on the job!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Blogarrhoea
Smoking underpants! This is the seventh time I've been to the blog today! Sod's Law, isn't it? Nothing happens for weeks, and then everything pours out all at once.
I'll probably be bunged up tomorrow. Blogger's Block.
Night all.
I'll probably be bunged up tomorrow. Blogger's Block.
Night all.
Browned Off
I'm not usually one for the soaps, but I happened to get a glimpse of EastEnders last night, as my 'wife', Stacey, was due to walk past Martin's stall again.
I have to say, I nearly fell off my seat. What on earth have the make-up department done to poor old Wendy Richards? She looks as if she's been creosoted.
I can only assume that the person who used to Tango Huw Edwards every night has transferred to the ongoing drama department.
I have to say, I nearly fell off my seat. What on earth have the make-up department done to poor old Wendy Richards? She looks as if she's been creosoted.
I can only assume that the person who used to Tango Huw Edwards every night has transferred to the ongoing drama department.
Green Light For Ramsgate MegaSuperhighway
BBC South East news is reporting that Steve Ladyboy, our local MP and Minister For Tranny Sport, has given the go-ahead for the proposed £3bn, 14 lane superhighway from Ramsgate to, um, Sandwich.
This will bring the centres of Europe and beyond within less than an hour's drive from my front door, via the Channel Tunnel.
With more than a hundred daily international flights from Kent London Manston International Airport, bullet trains whisking us to the metropolis in less time than it takes to boil an egg, and hourly ferries to the Mediterranean, it's no wonder that Ramsgate will soon be taking its rightful place, along with London, Paris and New York, as a world city, and home to top cosmetics firms like L'Oreal.
This will bring the centres of Europe and beyond within less than an hour's drive from my front door, via the Channel Tunnel.
With more than a hundred daily international flights from Kent London Manston International Airport, bullet trains whisking us to the metropolis in less time than it takes to boil an egg, and hourly ferries to the Mediterranean, it's no wonder that Ramsgate will soon be taking its rightful place, along with London, Paris and New York, as a world city, and home to top cosmetics firms like L'Oreal.
Past Their Sell By Dates 2
Yet another Margate pizza company has dropped a menu through the letterbox with the front page exhortation: 'Come On England! Bring It Home!' Must have been a job lot.
Come on chaps, surely it's time to make a bonfire of them? You must have had plenty of practice over there in The Smoke/Dawn's Crack!
Come on chaps, surely it's time to make a bonfire of them? You must have had plenty of practice over there in The Smoke/Dawn's Crack!
Disgusta Road
I haven't finished with the gull talk yet.
I've just toddled over to Postman Patel's teeny-tiny post office, and the state of Augusta Road is quite appalling! Every Thursday it looks like a landfill site. The bin bags come out, the Tomato Gulls peck their fill, and then The Uranians come round later to cart away what's left. Leaving, of course, the fourteen tons of rotting crap that's been spewed across the pavements until the geezer with the picky-up stick slouches round tomorrow.
I thought The Uranians were going to introduce wheelie bins shortly? I presume 'shortly' equals around twelve earth years on Uranus.
I've just toddled over to Postman Patel's teeny-tiny post office, and the state of Augusta Road is quite appalling! Every Thursday it looks like a landfill site. The bin bags come out, the Tomato Gulls peck their fill, and then The Uranians come round later to cart away what's left. Leaving, of course, the fourteen tons of rotting crap that's been spewed across the pavements until the geezer with the picky-up stick slouches round tomorrow.
I thought The Uranians were going to introduce wheelie bins shortly? I presume 'shortly' equals around twelve earth years on Uranus.
Gull Tea Party
Herring Gulls? Is that what they call them? I've yet to witness any of the pesky blighters scoffing a herring.
Tomato Gulls, yes. Tea Bag Gulls, yes. Kentucky Fried Chicken Gulls, yes. But Herring Gulls? Do me a favour!
Tomato Gulls, yes. Tea Bag Gulls, yes. Kentucky Fried Chicken Gulls, yes. But Herring Gulls? Do me a favour!
Potts Stuff
I see that Doreen Potts (Mrs) has left a comment in her own inimitable style. What an honour to have yet another celebrity casting an eye over my fevered mumblings!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Elton's Gone
He zipped off in his Lambo a few minutes ago.
Now, let's get back to Normal/Norman/Norma. Fact is, there isn't a Normal/Norman/Norma. I made it all up. There's just me and Bertie.
Well, that's not strictly true either. The 'Catch It' people said they'd prefer me to appear in their ads with a family. So they've supplied one. Just for the shoot, you understand. Stacey - she's my 'wife' - was in EastEnders once, walking past Martin's fruit and veg stall. And the two kids come from Central Casting.
Nice bunch, but I wouldn't want to take them home with me, if you know what I mean.
Now, let's get back to Normal/Norman/Norma. Fact is, there isn't a Normal/Norman/Norma. I made it all up. There's just me and Bertie.
Well, that's not strictly true either. The 'Catch It' people said they'd prefer me to appear in their ads with a family. So they've supplied one. Just for the shoot, you understand. Stacey - she's my 'wife' - was in EastEnders once, walking past Martin's fruit and veg stall. And the two kids come from Central Casting.
Nice bunch, but I wouldn't want to take them home with me, if you know what I mean.
Elton's John
Thank heavens for a spot of light relief. Elton's nipped over in the Lambo, as he's having his septic tank drained, and always likes to be well away from his country manor when that's happening.
I'm always impressed when I visit his place. He's got a very good eye for the subtle touches. For example, the way the ensuite music system plays 'Candle In The Wind' when you're visiting one of his many 'throne rooms'. Posh!
I'm always impressed when I visit his place. He's got a very good eye for the subtle touches. For example, the way the ensuite music system plays 'Candle In The Wind' when you're visiting one of his many 'throne rooms'. Posh!
Norman Is An Island
It seems Norman's got the hump, and won't be blogging today as planned. Or speaking to me at all. Something to do with me calling him Norma. Or was it something to do with me calling her Norman. I'm confused.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Potty Suggestion
I've become aware of the fact that in certain circles the suggestion has been made that I've been masquerading as a certain Doreen Potts (Mrs).
Whilst I can understand the confusion, given Mrs Potts's beautifully crafted acerbic comments, I can categorically say that I am not, was never, and never will be the aforementioned Gay Times icon. Neither am I Julian Clary, who's just moved to a mansion in Kent, or Paul O'Grady, blogging from his sick bed in Ashford General.
To scotch the rumours that my camp brand of lovable seaside humour is anything other than superficial, I will shortly be introducing a new member of the Eastcliff Richard team, my wife Norman.
Whilst I can understand the confusion, given Mrs Potts's beautifully crafted acerbic comments, I can categorically say that I am not, was never, and never will be the aforementioned Gay Times icon. Neither am I Julian Clary, who's just moved to a mansion in Kent, or Paul O'Grady, blogging from his sick bed in Ashford General.
To scotch the rumours that my camp brand of lovable seaside humour is anything other than superficial, I will shortly be introducing a new member of the Eastcliff Richard team, my wife Norman.
Past Their Sell By Dates
Most of the England flags have disappeared from most of the M reg Mondeos around here, but connoisseurs of collectables can still pick up a 'Believe' Mars Bar if they're quick. Rumour has it that the Slough-based confectioner has already dispatched several million 'Make' stickers to bring them up to date.
However, The Wayne Rooney Prize For Perfect Timing has to go to Samo's Pizza in Arsongate, who crammed their World Cup Special menu through the CTM letterbox on Sunday, the day after England's defeat by Portugal. 'Good Luck England! Bring It Home!' scream Samo's, in a 94th minute attempt to cash in on World Cup fever.
Or perhaps they're suggesting that there'll always be a place for the England team at Samo's, bringing plenty of pizzas to many a Thanet home?
However, The Wayne Rooney Prize For Perfect Timing has to go to Samo's Pizza in Arsongate, who crammed their World Cup Special menu through the CTM letterbox on Sunday, the day after England's defeat by Portugal. 'Good Luck England! Bring It Home!' scream Samo's, in a 94th minute attempt to cash in on World Cup fever.
Or perhaps they're suggesting that there'll always be a place for the England team at Samo's, bringing plenty of pizzas to many a Thanet home?
Monday, July 03, 2006
Pick Of The Week
Here's the first in a new weekly series for all my Thanet readers, in which I pick the best products and services advertised in all the local papers and free sheets. I've called it 'Pick Of The Week'!
WE HAVE LIFT OFF!
Ever had one of those nightmares that you're falling from a great height? The Ramsgate Sleep Centre has the perfect answer - Memory Foam Beds And Matresses! Memory Foam was originally developed as part of the NASA Space Programme 'to reduce the effects of G-forces on the astronauts in space flight'. Should also come in handy when it's time for blast off, if you get my drift!
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CONCRETE
Need a new drive? Tired of builders taking the piss? Then call Wee-mix! They bring it with them.
TROUSER DISPLAY
If you're at a loose end next Saturday or Sunday, why not go to the Quex Park Horse Show And Country Fayre? The bucolic fun will include sheep dog and falconry displays, and the ever-popular 'Ferret Roulette', in which two sturdy yokels take it in turns to don trousers from a number of pairs, only one of which conceals the aforementioned ferocious member of the polecat family.
WE HAVE LIFT OFF!
Ever had one of those nightmares that you're falling from a great height? The Ramsgate Sleep Centre has the perfect answer - Memory Foam Beds And Matresses! Memory Foam was originally developed as part of the NASA Space Programme 'to reduce the effects of G-forces on the astronauts in space flight'. Should also come in handy when it's time for blast off, if you get my drift!
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CONCRETE
Need a new drive? Tired of builders taking the piss? Then call Wee-mix! They bring it with them.
TROUSER DISPLAY
If you're at a loose end next Saturday or Sunday, why not go to the Quex Park Horse Show And Country Fayre? The bucolic fun will include sheep dog and falconry displays, and the ever-popular 'Ferret Roulette', in which two sturdy yokels take it in turns to don trousers from a number of pairs, only one of which conceals the aforementioned ferocious member of the polecat family.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Cannes Do
Oh alright then, I am going soft. With Harbour Parade pedestrianised, the cafes spilling out onto the streets, and the glorious sunshine, one might have imagined oneself transported to the south of France in Ramsgate today.
Though come to think of it I don't recall seeing as many floppy man-breasts or arse-crack tattoos on display along the Croisette.
Though come to think of it I don't recall seeing as many floppy man-breasts or arse-crack tattoos on display along the Croisette.
Tow Jam
A beautiful day for the fiesta down at the harbour. I'm surprised, though, that gay icon/Dolly Parton impersonator Mandy Winters isn't doing a turn, given that her fiancé, Thanet Council Chairman Jeff Kirkpatrick, does the honours by introducing the printed programme.
But not to worry, plenty of old favourites are there, including The Chocolate Volcano, and the flying doctor, towing a banner which appeared to read: 'DON'T DRINK AND ODEON'.
Must be something to do with local by-laws appertaining to the consumption of alcoholic beverages in cinemas.
But not to worry, plenty of old favourites are there, including The Chocolate Volcano, and the flying doctor, towing a banner which appeared to read: 'DON'T DRINK AND ODEON'.
Must be something to do with local by-laws appertaining to the consumption of alcoholic beverages in cinemas.
Surrounded By Engines
The gentile peace of the old Cliff Top Mansion was shattered this morning by a frightful din. Those powerboat Johnnies make quite a racket, don't they?
Still, I was relieved to discover that the painful throbbing had not been brought on by the two bottles of Krug, chased down by several pints of the Gaddfather's finest, which I imbibed last night. Judging by the previous post, the combination would appear to be the perfect recipe for turning one into a sentimental old twat.
Still, I was relieved to discover that the painful throbbing had not been brought on by the two bottles of Krug, chased down by several pints of the Gaddfather's finest, which I imbibed last night. Judging by the previous post, the combination would appear to be the perfect recipe for turning one into a sentimental old twat.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
England 0 Ramsgate 1
Well the footie went horribly wrong again, didn't it?
But on the brighter side, the partée on the harbour tonight was a triumph. Where else could you witness two semi-naked Rooney lookalikes jumping on top of each other to the sounds of 'I Will Survive'?
Maybe, as some commentators have suggested, I've gone soft since I returned from the Caymans, but, really, I'm not too proud to admit it, I'm welling up!
But on the brighter side, the partée on the harbour tonight was a triumph. Where else could you witness two semi-naked Rooney lookalikes jumping on top of each other to the sounds of 'I Will Survive'?
Maybe, as some commentators have suggested, I've gone soft since I returned from the Caymans, but, really, I'm not too proud to admit it, I'm welling up!
Dead Good!
Had a great time yesterday at London Calling 2006, the music biz convention.
Great new singers.
Great new DJs.
And The Grateful Dead playing in the hall next door!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
London Calling
Got to nip up to town again (cue thunderous applause from the north of the Ile). They've asked me to host a couple of corporate whatsits at London Calling 2006, some sort of 'new music' convention. Although why they want an old hoofer like me hanging around, heaven knows.
Anyway, I'm sure you're all grown up enough to continue commenting in a neat and orderly fashion while I'm away. Hmmm, on second thoughts perhaps I'd better turn the comments off!
Anyway, I'm sure you're all grown up enough to continue commenting in a neat and orderly fashion while I'm away. Hmmm, on second thoughts perhaps I'd better turn the comments off!
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Ramsgit
What a fascinating read Jonathan Aitken's newly published diaries make. I just can't seem to put the book down!
The erstwhile perjurer, perverter of the course of justice, (almost) son-in-law of Her Maggieship, biographer of my alter ego (Nixon - A Life), and receiver-in-the-gob of half a glass of decent claret from my old chum Anna Ford, tells a typically hilarious anecdote about his time as one of our local MPs, in his book 'Heroes And Contemporaries'. Out on the stump with his zoo-keeper mate John Aspinall, Aspinall apparently addressed the assembled Ramsgate masses thus:
"Napoleon once said that England is a nation of shop-keepers. As I look around Ramsgate High Street this morning I see that Ramsgate has become a nation of shop lifters."
Now it strikes me that some of my older readers may have been in attendance at this rally, and what I'd like to know is what happened next? Was Aitken:
1. Run out of town by a marauding pack of pit bulls?
2. Told by some wag at the back there were no more shops left to lift?
3. Re-elected on the basis of his charming chutzpah?
Answers on the usual post card, please.
The erstwhile perjurer, perverter of the course of justice, (almost) son-in-law of Her Maggieship, biographer of my alter ego (Nixon - A Life), and receiver-in-the-gob of half a glass of decent claret from my old chum Anna Ford, tells a typically hilarious anecdote about his time as one of our local MPs, in his book 'Heroes And Contemporaries'. Out on the stump with his zoo-keeper mate John Aspinall, Aspinall apparently addressed the assembled Ramsgate masses thus:
"Napoleon once said that England is a nation of shop-keepers. As I look around Ramsgate High Street this morning I see that Ramsgate has become a nation of shop lifters."
Now it strikes me that some of my older readers may have been in attendance at this rally, and what I'd like to know is what happened next? Was Aitken:
1. Run out of town by a marauding pack of pit bulls?
2. Told by some wag at the back there were no more shops left to lift?
3. Re-elected on the basis of his charming chutzpah?
Answers on the usual post card, please.
Sun City
Blasting the TT back home down the M2 at some god-awful hour this morning, after yet another showbiz charity yawn in the West End, I became aware of an orange glow on the horizon, in the direction of Margate.
'Nothing new there', I thought, and began mentally crafting a post about the Arsonists' Playground being the Ile's very own version of 'The Smoke'.
It was only when I got past Herne Bay that I realised I had made a mistake, and was in fact gazing at Dawn's Crack. Seems just as appropriate in oh-so-many ways.
'Nothing new there', I thought, and began mentally crafting a post about the Arsonists' Playground being the Ile's very own version of 'The Smoke'.
It was only when I got past Herne Bay that I realised I had made a mistake, and was in fact gazing at Dawn's Crack. Seems just as appropriate in oh-so-many ways.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Everyone Bites The Dust
Bit of an update on that last post, as Tony Flaig (Man Eating Sausage In Wenceslas Square) has pointed out, everyone's now gone from yer man's list of blog links, apart from the excellent Thanet Blog List.
Probably just an admin thing then. Happy to correct that. No hard feelings. Water under the bridge. Time's a great healer. Plenty more fish in the sea. A stitch in time saves nine. Ect.
Probably just an admin thing then. Happy to correct that. No hard feelings. Water under the bridge. Time's a great healer. Plenty more fish in the sea. A stitch in time saves nine. Ect.
Another One Bites The Dust
Thanet's Blogmaster General has culled another blogger, I see. This time the victim is the East Cliff's very own, viridescent, car-crushing councillor Dave Green.
The Incredible Hulk (as DG's known in these parts) claims to be mystified as to the reason. Personally I imagine the Doc's had another one of his hissy fits, and blasted any link that was left with 'Eastcliff' in the title.
The Incredible Hulk (as DG's known in these parts) claims to be mystified as to the reason. Personally I imagine the Doc's had another one of his hissy fits, and blasted any link that was left with 'Eastcliff' in the title.
Cat Tales
Thanks for all the concerned emails asking whether I've been re-united with Bertie the Burmese. As you can see, he's alive and well, and back in Ramsgate. Angela had temporarily removed him to Barnes for safe-keeping.
She's questioned Bertie's pedigree many times, but the breeder definitely said he was a Burmese as I handed over the rather substantial cheque, so there's confirmation.
In other feline news, Bev, my agent, rang to tell me that I've been booked as the face of Catch It In A Bag, a new brand of deodorised litter tray liner. As part of the deal I can have as many samples as I like! Apparently they loved my suggestion for a tagline: Catch It In A Bag - The Purrfect Partner For Purrer's Nests!
Filthy Talk Talk's Filthy Talk
Mr. Filthy Talk Talk was in fine fettle when I popped round to his teeny-tiny post office this morning. Apparently he and the missus went to his sister's wedding in The Smoke over the weekend, and had to share a bedroom in the family home with another couple.
"They were effing bloody having it effing off all night," he explained in his own, inimitable fashion. "Me and the missus didn't get an effing wink."
He even drew me a diagram. Of the room, that is.
"They were effing bloody having it effing off all night," he explained in his own, inimitable fashion. "Me and the missus didn't get an effing wink."
He even drew me a diagram. Of the room, that is.
Monday, June 26, 2006
You Say Angina...
I forgot to mention another, er, new kid on the block The Angina Monologues in my recent Blogger's Digest. For an old duffer, he's not got a bad sense of humour.
Although he appears to have nicked off with my cat.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Give A Blog A Name
Yikes, that's torn it. I see the flying doctor's reared his floating head again, in the comments under my 'Blogger's Digest' post. I knew I should have kept my big trap shut. He says he can't find any talent, achievement or redeeming features in my humble jottings.
Oh well, Doc, to paraphrase Roy Hattersley, you shouldn't be in politics if you can't understand a joke!
Oh well, Doc, to paraphrase Roy Hattersley, you shouldn't be in politics if you can't understand a joke!
Out Of Their Tidy Minds
I see Thanet District Council has retained its warped sense of humour while I've been away.
They've fixed this huge banner, informing us 'Ramsgate is beautiful, let's keep it that way', to their rusty old temporary fencing that prevents people from straying too close to the edge of our crumbling East Cliff.
Despite an engineer's report that the cliff is in imminent danger of collapse, the go-getters at our new look, newly responsive TDC have done nothing about it for more than a year.
Still, I'm sure they'll offer to tidy up the mess when the whole thing tumbles onto the site earmarked for luxury apartments below.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Blogger's Digest
I've been catching up on what's been happening on the Thanet blogging scene since I've been away.
Good to see Little Weed blossoming. And it seems Lucy Mail has decided to give herself a bit of exposure by starting her own blog.
Meanwhile the flying doctor continues to entrance us with his scintillatingly irresistble mix of lost dental plates, Sir Roger Wind's after dinner speeches, notes that he's found scribbled on the back of carpet tiles, and gags 'borrowed' from yours truly, amongst others. If you ask me, the poor old chap's running out of ideas. In fact I see he's now begging people for suggestions.
Oh dear, did I just think that or write it? Me and my big mouth!
Good to see Little Weed blossoming. And it seems Lucy Mail has decided to give herself a bit of exposure by starting her own blog.
Meanwhile the flying doctor continues to entrance us with his scintillatingly irresistble mix of lost dental plates, Sir Roger Wind's after dinner speeches, notes that he's found scribbled on the back of carpet tiles, and gags 'borrowed' from yours truly, amongst others. If you ask me, the poor old chap's running out of ideas. In fact I see he's now begging people for suggestions.
Oh dear, did I just think that or write it? Me and my big mouth!
Friday, June 23, 2006
This Is Saturday, What A Show!
So many things to do today! Here's my itinerary:
1. Toddle over to Broadstairs to watch Victorian weirdos cramming little boys up chimneys.
2. Back to Ramsgate to tour Goth mansion on West Cliff built by Airwick millionaire Augustus Plug-in.
3. Dance the night away to groovy sounds at the East Cliff bandstand.
Life doesn't get much better than this!
1. Toddle over to Broadstairs to watch Victorian weirdos cramming little boys up chimneys.
2. Back to Ramsgate to tour Goth mansion on West Cliff built by Airwick millionaire Augustus Plug-in.
3. Dance the night away to groovy sounds at the East Cliff bandstand.
Life doesn't get much better than this!
Piers Pressure
Taking a quick squiz through the trade papers this evening, I notice that bloody dreadful Piers pulled 12 million viewers with his new US show 'America's Got Talent' this week.
The programme's produced by that other mild-mannered celebrity, Simon Cowell. Let's hope the winsome twosome don't come to blows over who wears the trousers.
The programme's produced by that other mild-mannered celebrity, Simon Cowell. Let's hope the winsome twosome don't come to blows over who wears the trousers.
Wheelie Bad News
I'm still on Cayman time, so when dawn cracked at 3.30am, I couldn't get back to sleep. Nothing for it but to take the TT for a spin around the Ile, and check out all the changes that have taken place since I've been away.
Over in Arsongate, one thing in particular was noticeable by its absence. Where's One-Eyed Pete's Big Wheelie Bin? It's vanished. Did anyone ever ride on it?
I suspect that it was, after all, self-propelled, and like some manic, Dad's Army style secret weapon, has shaken itself from its moorings and taken off out to sea for a new life in Southend.
Over in Arsongate, one thing in particular was noticeable by its absence. Where's One-Eyed Pete's Big Wheelie Bin? It's vanished. Did anyone ever ride on it?
I suspect that it was, after all, self-propelled, and like some manic, Dad's Army style secret weapon, has shaken itself from its moorings and taken off out to sea for a new life in Southend.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Mile High Pile
Where was the bunting, eh? Where were the crowds of well-wishers?
Nothing, nada, not une saucisse. Just a pile of Sadscenes big enough to build a tower block with, 497 pizza menus, a two inch layer of pussy fluff everywhere, and a couple of desiccated purrer's nests under the lounge room rug. What a welcome.
I thought Angela was popping in every day to look after Bertie. Come to think of it, where is Bertie?
Nothing, nada, not une saucisse. Just a pile of Sadscenes big enough to build a tower block with, 497 pizza menus, a two inch layer of pussy fluff everywhere, and a couple of desiccated purrer's nests under the lounge room rug. What a welcome.
I thought Angela was popping in every day to look after Bertie. Come to think of it, where is Bertie?
Mile High Club
It's amazing what you can do these days from the comfort of your first class bed, 30,000 feet above the Atlantic! I've just booked a taxi to pick me up at Heathrow, and now I'm writing this cods on my laptop.
I expect there'll be a delegation to welcome me back when I get to Heathrow. In case nothing's been arranged, I'll be there around 11 o'clock, BA252, Terminal 4.
That should give everyone just enough time to put up the bunting.
I expect there'll be a delegation to welcome me back when I get to Heathrow. In case nothing's been arranged, I'll be there around 11 o'clock, BA252, Terminal 4.
That should give everyone just enough time to put up the bunting.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The Last Post
Well, the last from the Cayman Islands at least.
Apologies for the hiatus, but I've been taking full advantage of the all-inclusive rates at my Georgian Caribbean style resort over the past few days. Might as well get my money's worth.
I'm looking forward to seeing the Ile de Thanet again. I'm sure everything's changed since I've been away, viz:
1. Anthea Turner Centre finished
2. Ramsgate's crumbling East Cliff rebuilt
3. Harvey Nic's opened in King Street
Can't wait!
Apologies for the hiatus, but I've been taking full advantage of the all-inclusive rates at my Georgian Caribbean style resort over the past few days. Might as well get my money's worth.
I'm looking forward to seeing the Ile de Thanet again. I'm sure everything's changed since I've been away, viz:
1. Anthea Turner Centre finished
2. Ramsgate's crumbling East Cliff rebuilt
3. Harvey Nic's opened in King Street
Can't wait!
Friday, June 16, 2006
Flight Full Predicament
Flaming bananas! (I've taken my cue from last night's dessert).
Nigel tells me my Lear jet has been impounded at RAF London Manston Kent International Thingummy Whatsit for non-payment of airport dues.
And there's nothing available on a scheduled flight until next Wednesday. Oh well, nothing for it but to order another Tan Squirrel.
Nigel tells me my Lear jet has been impounded at RAF London Manston Kent International Thingummy Whatsit for non-payment of airport dues.
And there's nothing available on a scheduled flight until next Wednesday. Oh well, nothing for it but to order another Tan Squirrel.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Turtle Head
What a night. Tossing and turning. Turning and tossing. And now, at breakfast, they tell me they eat their own turtles over here. I mean, you'd need a fork and chainsaw to tuck into one of those things, surely?
That's it, I'm on the first flight home.
That's it, I'm on the first flight home.
The Brown, Brown Grass Of Home
It's the wee small hours here in the Caribbean, and, as is traditional, I've had to get out of bed to do a small wee.
I made the mistake of turning on the radio, and listening to my replacement, and now I'm so cross I can't get back to sleep. With all this talk of the rainy season approaching, accompanied by a plague of mosquitoes, then the hurricane season, even Margate's taking on an air of Shangri-La.
And there's nothing like a tiny island to bring out the know-all tendencies in some people. At least in Thanet I could drown my sorrows with a decent cup of tea.
I made the mistake of turning on the radio, and listening to my replacement, and now I'm so cross I can't get back to sleep. With all this talk of the rainy season approaching, accompanied by a plague of mosquitoes, then the hurricane season, even Margate's taking on an air of Shangri-La.
And there's nothing like a tiny island to bring out the know-all tendencies in some people. At least in Thanet I could drown my sorrows with a decent cup of tea.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Quay Mistake
That's the last time I hang around the docks asking sailors if they know of any good positions for a multi-talented thespian. Some of the things they said I didn't even understand.
Off Air
Cripes! It seems as if the German influence stretches across all walks of life on this tiny island. When I got into work last night, there was another presenter sitting at my desk, and a note from the station manager saying I would have to make an on-air retraction of my use of the 'K' word.
To which my response was a cheery and heartfelt "Bollocks!"
Oh well, I'm sure the cruise ships will leap at the chance of hiring me.
To which my response was a cheery and heartfelt "Bollocks!"
Oh well, I'm sure the cruise ships will leap at the chance of hiring me.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Sour Kraut
Sitting here in my Georgian Caribbean style all-inclusive resort on Seven Mile Beach, I'm struck by the number of Germans there are in the British West Indies.
Americans I can understand. I mean, it's only a hop from the States. But Germans?
The top act out here is some wizened old, peroxided Kraut who arrived with a guitar (and no talent) in the 70s. This tuneless Teuton goes by the sobriquet of 'Barefoot Man'. He plays quite irritating, twiddly-diddly Calypso. If you can imagine Rolf Harris in lederhosen singing the banana boat song, you wouldn't even begin to be getting close to the horror.
All I can say is: "Why?" Already I'm missing Elton.
Americans I can understand. I mean, it's only a hop from the States. But Germans?
The top act out here is some wizened old, peroxided Kraut who arrived with a guitar (and no talent) in the 70s. This tuneless Teuton goes by the sobriquet of 'Barefoot Man'. He plays quite irritating, twiddly-diddly Calypso. If you can imagine Rolf Harris in lederhosen singing the banana boat song, you wouldn't even begin to be getting close to the horror.
All I can say is: "Why?" Already I'm missing Elton.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Unpopular
My idea about the .ky domain suffix doesn't appear to have met with universal approval. One caller told me to stick my idea where the sun doesn't shine, and I can tell you, there's not many places he could have been talking about here in the Caribbean.
Mind you, I hear on the World Service that Blighty has been enduring a bit of a heatwave itself. I wonder if it's been hot in Ramsgate? I do hope Ronnie Corbett's teeny tiny kiosk hasn't melted.
Mind you, I hear on the World Service that Blighty has been enduring a bit of a heatwave itself. I wonder if it's been hot in Ramsgate? I do hope Ronnie Corbett's teeny tiny kiosk hasn't melted.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Lubricating The Economy
Just time for a massage with a Tan Squirrel from my new assistant Sheila, then it's off to the radio shack to prep my show.
You know, people seem to have very similar concerns on this small island to some of the people on that other small island I used to inhabit. Immigration, tourism, litter, regeneration. Same old, same old.
Still, at least they have a bankable asset here. Some years ago, the Polynesian island of Tuvalu got minted by selling its .tv internet domain suffix. The internet domain suffix here is .ky - imagine what Johnson and Johnson would pay for that!
Maybe I'll mention it tonight on 'What's Up, Dick?'.
You know, people seem to have very similar concerns on this small island to some of the people on that other small island I used to inhabit. Immigration, tourism, litter, regeneration. Same old, same old.
Still, at least they have a bankable asset here. Some years ago, the Polynesian island of Tuvalu got minted by selling its .tv internet domain suffix. The internet domain suffix here is .ky - imagine what Johnson and Johnson would pay for that!
Maybe I'll mention it tonight on 'What's Up, Dick?'.
Radio Therapy
What a joy and delight it is to be back where I belong, broadcasting to the nation! Admittedly, the Caymans are a rather small nation, but they do seem to appreciate quality when they hear it.
Only last night, on my phone-in ('What's Up, Dick?', Ocean 95 FM, 2am - 5am), one of my regulars referred to me as 'the biggest Dick on the island'. High praise indeed around here, I can tell you.
Only last night, on my phone-in ('What's Up, Dick?', Ocean 95 FM, 2am - 5am), one of my regulars referred to me as 'the biggest Dick on the island'. High praise indeed around here, I can tell you.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
From: Richard Eastcliff, Cayman Islands, B.W.I. To: Angela Heatherington Smith, Ramsgate, UK
Angela you nana. I'm having a terrific time here in the Cayman Islands and have forgotten all that nasty business with my blog.
There's even talk of me getting my own show on Ocean 95 FM, so I think I'll be here for a bit. Please don't invade my blog again.
Must go now as it's very late and I've had a few too many pina coladas. Give my regards to Ramsgate.
There's even talk of me getting my own show on Ocean 95 FM, so I think I'll be here for a bit. Please don't invade my blog again.
Must go now as it's very late and I've had a few too many pina coladas. Give my regards to Ramsgate.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
From: Angela Heatherington Smith, Ramsgate, UK To: Richard Eastcliff, Cayman Islands
Eastcliff you twit. What are you doing lurking in the Cayman Islands? And using TBANoel as a password for your blog? Anyone could guess that.
Your cliff top mansion's a mess. I'm fed up with having to go round there and feed Bertie every blasted day. People want you back. The local paper's leading the front page with council workers on chocolate fountain away days. It's practically a gift.
I'm going to squat this blog and write about interior design until you see sense.
Your cliff top mansion's a mess. I'm fed up with having to go round there and feed Bertie every blasted day. People want you back. The local paper's leading the front page with council workers on chocolate fountain away days. It's practically a gift.
I'm going to squat this blog and write about interior design until you see sense.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Epilogue
Thanks to everyone for their kind words and support. If you want to know why I've stopped writing, there's an explanation here.
It seems you could get rid of me that easily after all.
Donations only please to:
The Richard Eastcliff Home For Confused Millionaires
PO Box 21
Cayman Islands
This blog has now been left to medical science, but will probably end up in one of those delicious pasties they sell round the back of Sweeney Todd's in King Street.
It seems you could get rid of me that easily after all.
Donations only please to:
The Richard Eastcliff Home For Confused Millionaires
PO Box 21
Cayman Islands
This blog has now been left to medical science, but will probably end up in one of those delicious pasties they sell round the back of Sweeney Todd's in King Street.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
Fall Out
According to my site thingumejig, there's been a huge rise in visitors wishing to peep at my jottings today. Perhaps it's because it's all gone a bit Graham Norton around here of late, and people haven't been able to resist a gawp.
Still, there's no such thing as bad publicity, and with over a million visits in the bag in just under five months, and lots of stale old cages rattled, it's been quite a success. A lot of you have started blogs during that time, and some of them are pretty funny. I've especially enjoyed Scottie's toons, Nethercourt's taciturn musings, Artyblartfast's arty blasts, and Tony Flaig's cows and stuff, and that boy Dusty's showing promise too.
Keep up the good work! Be seeing you.
Still, there's no such thing as bad publicity, and with over a million visits in the bag in just under five months, and lots of stale old cages rattled, it's been quite a success. A lot of you have started blogs during that time, and some of them are pretty funny. I've especially enjoyed Scottie's toons, Nethercourt's taciturn musings, Artyblartfast's arty blasts, and Tony Flaig's cows and stuff, and that boy Dusty's showing promise too.
Keep up the good work! Be seeing you.
Eastcliff Google
Call me a vain ponce (again already), but I do think that nerdy bunch over at Google had me in mind when they designed the graphics for their celebration of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's birthday today.
It's captured the mystery of moi quite neatly, along with Scottie's new heritage lamp posts on Victoria Parade. They've even gone to the trouble of paying homage to my campaign to track down the dirty dogs whose Barkers' Nests I'm constantly treading in.
Take a look...
It's captured the mystery of moi quite neatly, along with Scottie's new heritage lamp posts on Victoria Parade. They've even gone to the trouble of paying homage to my campaign to track down the dirty dogs whose Barkers' Nests I'm constantly treading in.
Take a look...
Blog Jam
There's one born every minute in blogland, and with a reputation to maintain as the first to find the new blogs in town, say hello to Dane Valley Ted and another shining wit (who seems to have started a site in response to the spot of bother we had here recently. Tut tut, such pettiness).
It's early days for both, so I won't elevate them to millionaires' row until they're a bit further down the road to becoming bloggastars like me. And, of course, unlike some other selective Thanet blogs I could name, once you've made millionaires' row, you'll stay there. Well, in one form or another.
It's early days for both, so I won't elevate them to millionaires' row until they're a bit further down the road to becoming bloggastars like me. And, of course, unlike some other selective Thanet blogs I could name, once you've made millionaires' row, you'll stay there. Well, in one form or another.
Fresh Start
Well thank heavens it's a new week and we can put all that unsavoury twat talk behind us.
Although I'm not feeling too fresh, as it happens, having only just got back from the Beckhams' bash. David said the rumour that he was going to do the old WW II fly past thing was totally unfounded, and that he's 100% behind the FA's line that there should be no chants of 'Two World Wars And One World Cup' during the finals in Krautland.
So we had to make do with some chappie in a Cessna, tugging a banner which read 'Margate Gent's A Twit', whatever that means. What a mix-up.
Right, I'm off to do the crossword, that should get the old grey cells pinging!
Although I'm not feeling too fresh, as it happens, having only just got back from the Beckhams' bash. David said the rumour that he was going to do the old WW II fly past thing was totally unfounded, and that he's 100% behind the FA's line that there should be no chants of 'Two World Wars And One World Cup' during the finals in Krautland.
So we had to make do with some chappie in a Cessna, tugging a banner which read 'Margate Gent's A Twit', whatever that means. What a mix-up.
Right, I'm off to do the crossword, that should get the old grey cells pinging!
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The Wrath Of Bond
I see Dr Roger Moore over on Thanet Life has erased the link to my humble jottings from his blog. Of course, this might well apply to any of you bloglings who dare to step out of line, so be warned - don't mess with the Doc!
I, on the other hand, am much too magnanimous to do anything so petty.
I, on the other hand, am much too magnanimous to do anything so petty.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Lotto Trouble
Eamonn kept his wig on during the invasion of the live National Lottery draw this evening by protesters.
As did Sir Terry during the Eurovision Song Contest immediately afterwards.
As did Sir Terry during the Eurovision Song Contest immediately afterwards.
Caught Nappying
Scanning through the Netto supplement for some low rent gnomes this afternoon, I came across this. I must say I almost choked on my Monte Cristo. How on earth did this poor little feller get the modelling job? I know his mum must love him, and Netto have to appeal to all types around here, but honestly.
On second thoughts, I did hear a rumour that Sandy Beach's baby photos had gone missing...
Raider v Bond: Adjudication
OFBLOG CONTENTS SANCTION COMMITTEE
Consideration of: Ram Skate Raider/Dr James Bond
For: Alleged breaches in blogging code
On: 17 May 2006
SUMMARY
1. It is alleged that, on the above date, Mr Raider added a comment to a post entitled 'Blog Eat Blog', on the blog entitled 'Eastcliff Richard', in which he used the expressions 'steaming great twat' and 'utterly contemptuous prick'.
2. The content of the post referred to Dr Bond, and therefore, in the context, the comments would appear to have been aimed at Dr Bond.
3. Dr Bond subsequently emailed the blog's moderator, Mr Eastcliff, to the effect:
'Ramskate's comment... is a little personal and offensive don't you think?
Regards
SimonM'
4. Mr Eastcliff subsequently wrote a post entitled 'Nasty Complaint', in which he outlined the nature Dr Bond's objection, and asked Mr Raider to 'do the decent thing' and self moderate (i.e trash) the comment concerned. Mr Eastcliff made clear in his statement that it was not generally his policy to remove other people's comments on his blog unless they contained extreme bad taste, libel, or unnecesary vulgarity. Mr Eastcliff also made clear that he regarded public debate in the comments section of his blog as the best means of redressing any offence, unless such comments descended into 'petty bickering'.
5. Mr Raider subsequently posted a comment to the effect that he would make no further contributions to the blog.
6. No further communication has been received from Dr Bond.
DECISION
It is therefore the panel's decision that:
1. All toys must be put away BEFORE bedtime.
2. The choo-choo train goes directly in the tunnel, without smearing itself over the entrance walls first.
3. Rattles should under no circumstances be thrown from the pram while it is moving.
4. The wheels on the bus go round and round.
5. Oops a daisy.
Ofblog Contents Sanction Committee
20 May 2006
Consideration of: Ram Skate Raider/Dr James Bond
For: Alleged breaches in blogging code
On: 17 May 2006
SUMMARY
1. It is alleged that, on the above date, Mr Raider added a comment to a post entitled 'Blog Eat Blog', on the blog entitled 'Eastcliff Richard', in which he used the expressions 'steaming great twat' and 'utterly contemptuous prick'.
2. The content of the post referred to Dr Bond, and therefore, in the context, the comments would appear to have been aimed at Dr Bond.
3. Dr Bond subsequently emailed the blog's moderator, Mr Eastcliff, to the effect:
'Ramskate's comment... is a little personal and offensive don't you think?
Regards
SimonM'
4. Mr Eastcliff subsequently wrote a post entitled 'Nasty Complaint', in which he outlined the nature Dr Bond's objection, and asked Mr Raider to 'do the decent thing' and self moderate (i.e trash) the comment concerned. Mr Eastcliff made clear in his statement that it was not generally his policy to remove other people's comments on his blog unless they contained extreme bad taste, libel, or unnecesary vulgarity. Mr Eastcliff also made clear that he regarded public debate in the comments section of his blog as the best means of redressing any offence, unless such comments descended into 'petty bickering'.
5. Mr Raider subsequently posted a comment to the effect that he would make no further contributions to the blog.
6. No further communication has been received from Dr Bond.
DECISION
It is therefore the panel's decision that:
1. All toys must be put away BEFORE bedtime.
2. The choo-choo train goes directly in the tunnel, without smearing itself over the entrance walls first.
3. Rattles should under no circumstances be thrown from the pram while it is moving.
4. The wheels on the bus go round and round.
5. Oops a daisy.
Ofblog Contents Sanction Committee
20 May 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Eyebrow Stuff
Watching Fiona Bruce introducing a news item about the wacky Finnsh Eurovision entry this evening, I was reminded that, many years ago, I was privileged to witness her fronting her own popular beat combo.
Imaginatively called Don't Chew Blu Tac, the group featured our Fi screaming tunelessly into a microphone, whilst writhing around in a scanty dress that barely covered her modesty. It was really quite shocking.
Nonetheless, it's good to see that, though she's now the serious face of the BBC's Have I Got The Ten O'Clock News For You, she's still raising eyebrows.
And talking of bands, how awfully rotten to see Heather Mills McCartney trying to take Sir Paul to the cleaners. My sources reliably inform me, however, that she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Imaginatively called Don't Chew Blu Tac, the group featured our Fi screaming tunelessly into a microphone, whilst writhing around in a scanty dress that barely covered her modesty. It was really quite shocking.
Nonetheless, it's good to see that, though she's now the serious face of the BBC's Have I Got The Ten O'Clock News For You, she's still raising eyebrows.
And talking of bands, how awfully rotten to see Heather Mills McCartney trying to take Sir Paul to the cleaners. My sources reliably inform me, however, that she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Snake In The Grass
According to The Isle Of Thanet Gazunder today, a row has broken out over the ownership of the snake found in a pot plant at Homebase last week.
Two people have apparently come forward to claim the snake. Negating the obvious answer of chopping the reptilian in two and giving both 'owners' half each, the RSPCA say it will now be found a new home.
Apparently they've got their eye on an eminently suitable industrial unit in Whitehall Road which has been carefully planted to reproduce the snake's natural habitat.
Two people have apparently come forward to claim the snake. Negating the obvious answer of chopping the reptilian in two and giving both 'owners' half each, the RSPCA say it will now be found a new home.
Apparently they've got their eye on an eminently suitable industrial unit in Whitehall Road which has been carefully planted to reproduce the snake's natural habitat.
State Of The Union
My fellow Thanetonians.
As I gaze down upon your small island from my orbiting cryo-cyberspace station 200 miles above, I see a nation divided. To the south I see wealth, happiness and naked virgins gaily cavorting in the Caribbean sunshine. To the north I see squalor, deprivation and tattooed pit bulls fanning the flames of hate and greed. (Applause.)
This state of affairs, which the journalists Mooreward and Flaigstein have called 'The Margate Scandal', must come to an end. I have instructed the Director Of The FBI, Davros Undercarriage III, to investigate, and he has already impeached a couple of ice cream vendors and dog called Butch. The investigation is progressing surely and swiftly to its inevitable conclusion, and it is only a matter of time before the winds of change reap their revenge on the seeds that have been sown by a rolling stone which gathers no moss. (Applause.)
I feel certain you will agree that, if this situation is not nipped in the bud, people will begin to vote with their feet. Frankly, I would vote with my feet too, if they weren't like blocks of ice. Would somebody turn the frigging heating up in here, please. (Applause.)
May God continue to bless the United States of America. (Applause.)
Richard M Nixon, President
As I gaze down upon your small island from my orbiting cryo-cyberspace station 200 miles above, I see a nation divided. To the south I see wealth, happiness and naked virgins gaily cavorting in the Caribbean sunshine. To the north I see squalor, deprivation and tattooed pit bulls fanning the flames of hate and greed. (Applause.)
This state of affairs, which the journalists Mooreward and Flaigstein have called 'The Margate Scandal', must come to an end. I have instructed the Director Of The FBI, Davros Undercarriage III, to investigate, and he has already impeached a couple of ice cream vendors and dog called Butch. The investigation is progressing surely and swiftly to its inevitable conclusion, and it is only a matter of time before the winds of change reap their revenge on the seeds that have been sown by a rolling stone which gathers no moss. (Applause.)
I feel certain you will agree that, if this situation is not nipped in the bud, people will begin to vote with their feet. Frankly, I would vote with my feet too, if they weren't like blocks of ice. Would somebody turn the frigging heating up in here, please. (Applause.)
May God continue to bless the United States of America. (Applause.)
Richard M Nixon, President
That Referendum Result In Full
So, now you've all safely nodded off in front of the computer, it's time to announce the result of my 'Vote For Me!' referendum.
Richard Millhouse Nixon - 1 vote
That Bald Bloke With The Permanent Suntan Who Hangs Around Outside Schools - 1 vote
Dr Roger Moore - 1 vote against (by Dr Roger Moore)
Dr Roger Moore's evil alter-ego - 1 vote against (by Dr Roger Moore) (assumed)
Nick Dorman - 1 expression of disgust (Ram Skate Raider).
There was a late entry by Kevin The Geologist, who suggested I might be Cliff Richard, but that's just ridiculous.
We therefore have a tie. However, under the recently introduced George W. Bush Rules Of Voterisation, dodgy politicians take preference over sick perverts (just), and I therefore declare Richard Millhouse Nixon the winner by a margin of minus ten votes.
By the time you wake up with your chins covered in drool, Tricky Dicky will be in charge. God Bless America.
Richard Millhouse Nixon - 1 vote
That Bald Bloke With The Permanent Suntan Who Hangs Around Outside Schools - 1 vote
Dr Roger Moore - 1 vote against (by Dr Roger Moore)
Dr Roger Moore's evil alter-ego - 1 vote against (by Dr Roger Moore) (assumed)
Nick Dorman - 1 expression of disgust (Ram Skate Raider).
There was a late entry by Kevin The Geologist, who suggested I might be Cliff Richard, but that's just ridiculous.
We therefore have a tie. However, under the recently introduced George W. Bush Rules Of Voterisation, dodgy politicians take preference over sick perverts (just), and I therefore declare Richard Millhouse Nixon the winner by a margin of minus ten votes.
By the time you wake up with your chins covered in drool, Tricky Dicky will be in charge. God Bless America.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Cool Dudes
I just pinned back me lugholes and had a listen to Kevin The Geologist's latest 'bcast' on the Oonagi Thanet Rocks site. In it Kevin (aka Dusty) discusses the local music scene with another 'cool dude'.
Mind you, he needs to pay a bit more attention to his audio levels. When the Candy Sniper track came on, it blew all the circuits in my deaf aid.
I do hope Kevin keeps up his passionate campaign to transform the Ile into 'Groove Island'. It would make a nice change. After all, currently you only ever hear the word 'hip' around here when it immediately precedes the word 'replacement'.
Mind you, he needs to pay a bit more attention to his audio levels. When the Candy Sniper track came on, it blew all the circuits in my deaf aid.
I do hope Kevin keeps up his passionate campaign to transform the Ile into 'Groove Island'. It would make a nice change. After all, currently you only ever hear the word 'hip' around here when it immediately precedes the word 'replacement'.
Hog Out!
Lumme! Two of those old crones propelled by Davros style undercarriages just burned past the CTM in convoy. They must have started some kind of Heaven's Devils club. There goes the neighbourhood.
Keep Those Votes Pouring In
A big thankyou to all my readers for the terrific response to my 'Vote For Me!' referendum. Early indications are:
Richard Millhouse Nixon - 1 vote
Dr Roger Moore - 1 vote against (by Dr Roger Moore)
Dr Roger Moore's evil alter-ego - 1 vote against (by Dr Roger Moore) (assumed)
Nick Dorman - 1 expression of disgust (Ram Skate Raider).
It's all to play for, so keep the votes coming. The final result, as is traditional, will be announced by David Dimbleby just after you've nodded off.
Richard Millhouse Nixon - 1 vote
Dr Roger Moore - 1 vote against (by Dr Roger Moore)
Dr Roger Moore's evil alter-ego - 1 vote against (by Dr Roger Moore) (assumed)
Nick Dorman - 1 expression of disgust (Ram Skate Raider).
It's all to play for, so keep the votes coming. The final result, as is traditional, will be announced by David Dimbleby just after you've nodded off.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Football Fever
Come on you Irons! No, er, that was last week. Anyway, Angela rang to remind me that the Frenchies from Highbury are playing Barcelona in the European whatsit tonight, as if we won't have been subjected to enough soccer by the end of this summer.
I said I was rather surprised to discover she was a fan, but she assured me that her husband Gerald often takes her up the Arsenal.
Flaming Nora these botty gags have got to stop.
I said I was rather surprised to discover she was a fan, but she assured me that her husband Gerald often takes her up the Arsenal.
Flaming Nora these botty gags have got to stop.
Uranus Clears Back Passage
Shock horror! I was walking back to the CTM from Postman Patel's teeny tiny post office just now, when I spied a TDC truck clearing away what resembled an old delivery of Wilkinsons crap from one of the small alleyways leading off Augusta Road. Shelves, TVs, boxes, and half a ton of barkers'.
Hurrah! Things really can only get better! No, hang on, that was Labour wasn't it?
Hurrah! Things really can only get better! No, hang on, that was Labour wasn't it?
Vote For Me!
I'm bored with all this who-ha over my true identity. I think it's about time I put it to a referendum.
So here's your chance to decide. Just leave a comment, anonymous or otherwise, with the number of your choice. I promise that, if the majority of you get it right, I'll do the decent thing and have you all over for a slap up BBQ at my cliff top mansion. (Or rented hovel. Whatever.)
1. Ramsgate's new celebrity millionaire who's a bit of a vain ponce
2. Huggy Bear
3. Richard Millhouse Nixon
4. That shifty bloke with a pony tail lurking in your local pub
5. Dr Roger Moore
6. Dr Roger Moore's evil alter-ego
7. That nice Nick Dorman from the Thanet Gazunder
8. Viridescent, car crushing councillor Dave Green
9. The Gaddfather Of Ale
10. The secret lovechild of Ian Hislop and Paul Merton
On second thoughts, strike that last one. Nobody could be that ugly.
So here's your chance to decide. Just leave a comment, anonymous or otherwise, with the number of your choice. I promise that, if the majority of you get it right, I'll do the decent thing and have you all over for a slap up BBQ at my cliff top mansion. (Or rented hovel. Whatever.)
1. Ramsgate's new celebrity millionaire who's a bit of a vain ponce
2. Huggy Bear
3. Richard Millhouse Nixon
4. That shifty bloke with a pony tail lurking in your local pub
5. Dr Roger Moore
6. Dr Roger Moore's evil alter-ego
7. That nice Nick Dorman from the Thanet Gazunder
8. Viridescent, car crushing councillor Dave Green
9. The Gaddfather Of Ale
10. The secret lovechild of Ian Hislop and Paul Merton
On second thoughts, strike that last one. Nobody could be that ugly.
Blog Eat Blog
I see Dr Roger Moore over on That's Life! has re-positioned his musings as an überblog. Not only is he now billing himself as 'Thanet's Alternative Newspaper', he's appealing to all bloglings to notify him of their intentions.
Call me a vain ponce, but do you think that might be because I always beat him at finding the new blogs in town? Over to you, Roger...
Thanks Esther. Now, here's a funny thing, a potato that's shaped like a willy!
Call me a vain ponce, but do you think that might be because I always beat him at finding the new blogs in town? Over to you, Roger...
Thanks Esther. Now, here's a funny thing, a potato that's shaped like a willy!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Hunted Down Like A Dog
Holy Macaroni! That nice geologist Kevin says in his new blog Skin Of Stars that he had a drink with The Gaddfather Of Ale today, and that all the talk is of the mystery man de nos jours, moi!
Oh cripes, I suddenly came over all French there. It's the shock.
Anyway, apparently the Thanet Times has a 50p reward on offer for the first person to dob me in. If anyone feels so inclined, I think I can safely say that, if they come to me first, I'll see the paper's 50p and double it.
Oh cripes, I suddenly came over all French there. It's the shock.
Anyway, apparently the Thanet Times has a 50p reward on offer for the first person to dob me in. If anyone feels so inclined, I think I can safely say that, if they come to me first, I'll see the paper's 50p and double it.
Turner Prize Shortlist Announced
The shortlist for the much coveted Turner Prize was announced today. The four remaining contenders who are hoping to bag a £12m fortune for their efforts are:
1. Pilemhigh and Crammemin (Architects) (Neasden) Ltd
2. Bodgett and Scarper Building Services (2006) Ltd
3. Car Parks 'R' Us Ltd
4. Ron Councillor (Cayman Islands Trust Fund Account)
The lucky winner will be announced in 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and every year for the forseeable future. The organisers of the competition added that they had not yet ruled out awarding a £12m prize to each of the four shortlisters.
1. Pilemhigh and Crammemin (Architects) (Neasden) Ltd
2. Bodgett and Scarper Building Services (2006) Ltd
3. Car Parks 'R' Us Ltd
4. Ron Councillor (Cayman Islands Trust Fund Account)
The lucky winner will be announced in 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and every year for the forseeable future. The organisers of the competition added that they had not yet ruled out awarding a £12m prize to each of the four shortlisters.
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