Thursday, August 22, 2013

Ramsgate Now Grimmer Than Margate - Official

Yikes! According to a report from the Office for National Statistics on seaside towns, Ramsgate has overtaken Margate as one of the top deprived areas of the country. Thus proving that, in Thanet at least, it's grimmer down south.

The, er, Millionaires' Playground is now ranked as having the fifth highest level of poverty and social breakdown in the country, after Skegness, Blackpool, Clacton and Hastings. Margate came 7th.

Click here to read more in the Daily Mirror.

So, undeniable evidence there, if it was needed, that TDC's policy of pouring all the sponds into Margate and Cliftonville, and neglecting the sunny south side, has done its job as far as they're concerned.

Now would be a good time, then, to let the moths out of your wallets and spare a fiver or two for the deprived yoof of Ramsgate, who are organising a fantastic day of parkour, urban art and poetry at our lovely Eastcliff bandstand this coming Sunday. They're trying to raise £1500 for the event, and there's only a few days left to do it.

Click here to go to the website where you can donate.

So, whaddya waiting for? While you're counting out the cash, here's a short video showing you what they're going to be up to:

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Kick ASS 4!

Not the soggy-bottomed exploits at tomorrow's Water Gala, over in the Dickensians' Playground. Nor the feeble sequel that's just arrived at your local Ritzy.

No, I'm talking about something much bigger and better! For, fellow millionaires, it's that time of year again! Time to go and gawp at sculptures made out of a mango and 400,000 used coat hangers. Time to watch a fat lady in a smock warble La Traviata on the beach. Time to see grown men and women dressed as ferrets perform the hula dance whilst chanting verses from T S Eliot's The Waste Land.

Yes, over the three days of this coming bank holiday weekend, the Millionaire's Playground will be playing host to the fourth annual Ramsgate arts festival, more commonly known as A Summer Squall (or ASS for short)!!!!

It promises to be a packed programme, and I suppose now that Thanet Duffer Central has completely abandoned everywhere other than the Arsonists' Playground as a place to hold events, we should support it with all our Ramsgatonian might. Being, as I am, one of the island's leading intellectuals, my particular perennial faves are the Treasure Hunt on Sunday, which takes you on a ramble around Ramsgate's hidden gems, and Ramsgate's Got Writing Talent at the Shirley Temple Yacht Club on Monday, which gives wannabe writers the chance of an introduction to a top literary agent.

But there's loads more, with open studios all over the magnificent Ile de Thanet, a boat parade, traditional family games, a tiny art gallery in a caravan, retro re-creations of old seaside photos, street theatre, a market, comedy musical mayhem, and bands down on our lovely front, headlined by rockin' Si Cranstoun! (Who he? - Ed.) Plus, of course, the aforementioned operatic warbling on the beach.

You can download the full festival programme by clicking here.

Right, it only remains to wish you lots of ASS fun over the old BH weekend! Pip pip!

Friday, August 16, 2013

Breast Implants Caused Manston Radar Boob

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Beauty Correspondent Piers D'Nipple

A Manston firefighter has claimed her boob job joy turned to misery when it caused radar at Kent International Airport to malfunction.

The firefighter, who asked not to be named, says the problem only came to light when air traffic controllers spotted a pair of giant bosoms on their screens, heading for Ramsgate. She told The Gazunder: 'I was off duty at the time and enjoying my new bust. But then I got a call from the airport on my mobile to say there was an emergency, and to prepare for a pollution incident as they thought the two enormous, flying breasts might be leaking contaminated milk.'

She added that it was only when she was preparing to dash to the airport that she realised her new 36Ds could be causing the problem. 'I called the control tower back and they asked me to jiggle them around a bit. Sure enough, they were jiggling around on their radar screens too!'

The emergency services were stood down once the source of the blips was identified.

A spokesman for the airport said: 'I know we have our knockers, but this is ridiculous.'

Saturday, August 10, 2013

What A Yacht I've Got!

Excitement is mounting in Boredstares, I'm told, where Victorian bathing costumes are about to make way for the thrills and spills of hemp smocks and bladders on sticks.

Yes, the Dickensians are eagerly anticipating their annual Folk Week (or Drunk Week as it's become known locally), which kicks off today. Around 150,000 men and women with beards are expected to descend on the UK's second best seaside town, turning the camp site at Upton School into a mini version of Glastonbury, with the waft of illicit drugs such as Old Nutty Shag and Nadger's Dorchester Wobbly permeating the air.

Meanwhile, here in the Millionaires' Playground, we're anticipating something much more salubrious. Ramsgate Week, organised by our very own Shirley Temple Yacht Club, will see the cream of the yachting fraternity hoity-toiting on land and sea for six days as of tomorrow. Billed as 'the friendly alternative to Cowes', the regatta is expected to attract matelots from Belgium, Holland and France, as well as the UK.

With one or two financial transactions still being in the, er, pipeline I shan't be participating in the sailing. But I'll definitely be rooting out my CockSox swimmers for the Hunks in Trunks competition!

Eastcliff Richard makes no apology for running this exact same article every year since 2006. After all, nothing's changed, has it?

Avast behind! Participants prepare to get their bottoms scraped
at Ramsgate Week!

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Enormous Groyne Spotted On Ramsgate Beach

Well, I was wearing some pretty revealing shorts down there earlier!

No, seriously, I've never noticed this structure stretching out from the centre of our lovely Ramsgate Sands before. Anyone know what it is? (Apols for the grimy pic - click it to big it). I suppose it could just be seaweed from Margate harbour, dumped by The Duffers, who seem hellbent on superduperising the grimy north of the island at the expense of the splendid south.

By the way, it's nice to see the new lights illuminating the excellent Royal Harbour Brasserie at the end of the pier. Oh, and I didn't get the Louis Walsh job, if anyone was interested.

Airport Ditches Night Flights Ban

Lorks! Having now waded through the 32 pages of illiterate claptrap which masquerades as RAF London Kent Manston etc etc's submission to HMG's review of airport capacity, I can bring you this little gem:

Manston is already a licensed airfield with currently has [sic] no night-time restrictions

The submission was produced by Cheerful Charlie Buchanan, the airport's head honcho. Obvious typo aside (one of many), Chuckles seems to have forgotten the agreement that does currently exist, banning flights between 11pm and 7am. Oh, but of course, that's not enforceable. And despite assurances from the current Labour lot at Thanet Duffer Central that they would uphold the 'ban', they've already caved in to KLM, who fly out at 6.20 every morning.

The rest of the gobbledegook mainly bangs on about Manston becoming a 'reliever airport'. Presumably that entails flying planeloads of hookers over from Amsterdam to, er, relieve those ageing, predominantly UKIP-supporting, Thanetians whose arthritic joints have long robbed them of the capacity to do it themselves. Well, no, actually, in effect it means more knackered old jumbos from countries whose idea of maintenance begins and ends with superglue, knackering knackered old jumbos, and more dodgy military stuff headed for what the aforementioned UKIP supporters would describe as 'Bongo Bongo Land'.

If you can bear to wade through the entire submission, there's a link to it here.

Right, I'd better get off or I'll be late for my audition as the replacement for Louis Walsh on the X Factor. Be seeing you!

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

What The Fokker Was That?

Thanks to reader Steve for this pic of the KLM 737 which was circling the island for what seemed like hours late yesterday afternoon. As we know, KLM only operate Fokker 70s out of RAF London Kent Manston Margate Tracey Emin Maggie Thatcher Schipol International Airport on a scheduled basis every day, so the sight of a 737 doing circuits was unusual to say the least.

Then this morning the Gazunder website reported that five fire engines from around Thanet were called to 'a blaze at Manston airport' at 7.33pm last night, with reports that a KLM aircraft 'had caught fire'. However, when they got there 'crews discovered there was no incident to be dealt with'.

So what's the story? Was this flight circling to ditch fuel ahead of an emergency landing? Or did some joker ring the boys in brown after getting fed up with yet another training flight? I think we (and the CAA) should be told!!

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Five Years To Spend A Penny

Nope, nothing to do with the closure of public conveniences. But, I suppose, you could characterise it as an extreme case of civic constipation.

This sorry saga relates to the inability of Kent County Council to make a minor alteration to a confusing road sign that has been responsible for causing thousands of pounds worth of damage over the last few years. I'll let reader Samantha take up the tale...

I see Kent Highways have finally altered a sign on Victoria Promenade in Ramsgate that I have been complaining about for five years now, with responses ranging from indolence and indifference, to the downright insulting. At one point I was told changing the sign was unfeasible as they would have to commission an entirely new sign at a cost of thousands of pounds! 

But miraculously, here's how the sign looked when I popped out to the shops today:
And here's how it looked during the previous five years I was complaining about it:
To the untutored eye, there's not a lot of change. But the addition of approximately a penny's worth of gaffer tape to the bottom of the arrow directing traffic to London, Canterbury, Dover etc means that lorries and coaches from out of town will no longer be turning up D'Este Road, the narrow back street which the sign is on the corner of, and that my car and those of my neighbours will no longer be subjected to regular damage when they get stuck at the T junction with Truro Road, like this:
I would say 'thank you' to KCC, but after five years of faffing around to find six inches of tape, I'm inclined not to.

Neither would I be, Samantha! Kuh!

Monday, August 05, 2013

Doctor F*cking Who?

Yipes! I see the Beeb have promoted my old acting chum Peter Capaldi to the primetime post of Time Lord! Peter is better known as the potty-mouthed political adviser Malcolm Tucker in The Thick Of It, a sort of sweary version of Yes Minister.

Thanks to my inside contacts, I've managed to snaffle the first page of the first episode that will feature the new Doctor, here it is...


What the fuck is wrong with this fucking piece of crap?

Well, Doctor, it is very old.

Daleks enter from screen left.

Exterminate! Exterminate!

Oh do shut your fucking holes or I'll shove this sonic fucking screwdriver so far up your fucking plungers that you won't be able to extermin-fucking-ate for a week.

Cybermen enter from screen right.

Destroy the Time Lord! Destroy the Time Lord!

Fuck me! Not those fucking wankers as well!

Er, you get the picture. Meanwhile, here's an early outing for Peter Capaldi as a time traveller, in Alexei Sayle's Drunk In Time, from the mid-1990s...

And if you still haven't had enough of the Gallifreyan stuff, I can thoroughly recommend The Gay Daleks!

Council Hunks In Trunks

Yes, they're back by popular demand (one email)!!!!

Following Saturday's pic of our lovely Labour Leader curvaceous Clive Hart showing off his package, here's the full set of those Thanet Council hunks sporting their fit bods for all to see, and supporting our sizzling summer of sun here on the beautiful Ile de Thanet!!

They're so hot, they're on fire!!!!!!!! Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Super Shirley Tomlinson, 20, likes a drink or twelve and wants to bring back national service!!!!!!! Well done for doing the Thanet nation a 'service', Ma'am!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)
Strap-on (Shouldn't that be 'Strapping'? - Ed.) Ken Gregory, 35, loves making prank phone calls, is a keen amateur chef and says his favourite meal is a Sunday roast!!!!!!! We certainly wouldn't mind nibbling on your pork crackling, Ken!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)
Dishy Doc Biggles, 28, is a former commando and high-flying jet pilot!!!!!! The brainy Doc is also into computers and has even been to Number 10 Downing Street, the home of the UK's Prime Minister!!!!!!! We'd certainly welcome your member in our cabinet, Doc!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)
Red-hot Roger Latchford, 43, is a former war hero and can even boast an OBE!!!!!! UKIP-supporting Roger likes nothing more than shaking his buff booty to some bangin' tunes!!!!!!! It's an 'honour' to meet you Roger!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)
Tasty Tory Sandy Ezekiel, 26, loves the island's bars and cafe culture. But it's not all fun in the sun!!!! In fact poor Sandy was done for misconduct in a public office recently, so he's sent us this photo from the showers at Wormwood Scrubs. Hope you've got someone to 'scrub' your back, Sandy!!!!!!!! (Geddit?!?!?!????!!!!!?!?!??!!!!!!)

That's enough council hunks in trunks - Ed.

Saturday, August 03, 2013


With the Boris Bikeathon set to clog up That London, what better time to stay on our septic isle and enjoy all the stuff that's going on here?

Margate's Soul Weekend culminates in tomorrow's carnival, with much of the creative stuff being produced by Ramsgatonians (natch). But I'll be here in the Millionaires' Playground, sporting my captain's hat, brass-buttoned blazer, Whitstable Oyster Rolex and deck shoes with the salty seamen on the front, enjoying some windy fun with the Old Guffers at their 50th anniversary celebrations.

There are probably a squillion other events happening that nobody even knows about!!! So whaddya waiting for? Get out and enjoy yourselves!!!!

Um, I haven't got a visual that depicts 'fun', so here's a photo of Thanet Labour Leader Clive Hart naked instead...