Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Spam Makes Me Sick

Holy chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added, salt, water, modified potato starch and sodium nitrite! This flipping comment spam is giving me the irits!

Seriously, it's taken the fun out of blogging since my last comeback tour in 2012. So until Blogger, Google and all those nerds in Mountain View, California do something to stop the rot, I've decided to throw the 100% Egyptian cotton towel in. Again.

Be seeing you!


Thursday, March 07, 2013

East Kent Bids For City Of Culture 2017

by Isle of Thanet Gazunder Arts Correspondent Jenny Tals

Culture vultures across the isle are celebrating the news that East Kent has thrown its hat into the ring to become UK City of Culture 2017!

The bid will see East Kent competing against the likes of Aberdeen, Chester, Hastings and Bexhill, Hull, Leicester, Plymouth, Portsmouth and Southampton, Swansea Bay, Sarfend, London, Paris and New York! (Er, those last two aren't in the UK - Ed.)

East Kent Head of Arts and Culture Mary Hinge, who's heading up the pitch for the area, told the Gazunder it was a great opportunity to showcase Thanet's burgeoning arts scene. 'What with the Turner Contemporary, links with Tracey Emin, and the Turner Contemporary, Margate is fast becoming the centre of the arts universe,' said Hinge. 'There's so much going on, it's like an explosion in a custard factory!!!'

She added that 'Explosion in a Custard Factory', by 23 year old Lithuanian artist Biggas Lottadudu-Ueverseenas, which is currently showing at the Turner, would be one of the keystones of the bid. Rejecting claims that East Kent is not technically a city, Hinge added: 'If there's taxpayers' money up for grabs, it could be a banana for all I care.'

Highlights of Thanet's culture bid will include:
  •  Exhibition of 3D pavement art by the Thanet Pit Bull Owners Club
  •  'Stella Mountain', a new site-specific installation designed by the Premier Convenience Store Customers' Collective
  •  'Concrete Sticks in a Row', a permanent installation on Ramsgate seafront by reclusive Swiss artists' commune SFP
  •  Thanet Tories have pledged to hand out free planning permission, should they get back into power by 2017, to any artist with an idea for an installation who turns up with a back pocket full of 50s and plane tickets to 'somewhere nice'.
 That's enough culture - Ed.

One of the high points of Margate's cultural year - the annual
Sticking Your Head in a Box and Bad Anagrams Show

UPDATE 19 June 2013: It didn't even make it into the final four. Click here for more.

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Porridge

How I miss my old showbiz chum - the late, great, lovely, dear Ronnie Barker! So in the light of recent events I thought it only fitting to cobble together carefully craft this tribute to what must be regarded as his seminal oeuvre. Baftas and RTS Awards all round!

video

Monday, March 04, 2013

Ask Sister Assumpta - Banged Up Special

Yes, she's back by popular demand! Our holy mother of all agony aunts, Sister Assumpta, tackles your incarceration problems!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Phillip the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doin' bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 18 munfs in chokey. Is it true that I shood of told the carncil I loaned me mate the money fer the 'arse? S.

Sister Assumpta writes: Yer feckin' eejit, yer a cute hoor and no mistake! Yer made a terrible hames of running the feckin' council yer feckin' gobshite, so don't be giving me any of yer guff. Yer've made a holy show of yerself, so hump off before I give yer a puck in the gob!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I woz talkin' to me BFF Sandy the uvver day an' 'e sed there's no way we're gonna be doing bird for this 'ere property mullarkey but now the beak's sent us darn an' I'm staring at 12 munfs in chokey. Is it true that me mate shood of told the carncil that 'e loaned me the money fer the 'arse? P.

Sister Assumpta writes: Jaysus! Feck yer, yer feckin' bollocks. If yer gonna do everything arseways, yer bound to make a bags of it, yer mentaller. Now shut yer cuntin' cakehole yer dry shite or I'll chuck a gollier at yer knackers!

Dear Sister Assumpta, I am the leader of the Conservative faction of a certain local authority in the South East of England. In the past few years my members have suffered a series of misfortunes, including convictions for misconduct in public office and drink-driving, police investigations over collusion with property developers, castigations over foul-mouthed and unseemly behaviour in public, allegations of falsifying records, absenteeism (Panama), homophobia and cat killing to name but a few. For the life of me, I can't understand why we are no longer in power. Is there anything we can do to make ourselves more popular? B.

Sister Assumpta writes: Feck me backwards through a threshin' machine, yer great arsin' tool! Yer goin' around like a constipated greyhound! Yer think yer the cat's pyjamas, but yer got a face like the the Earl of Hell's arse! Go lick it off a scabby leg!

That's enough Sister Assumpta - Ed.

Friday, March 01, 2013

Breaking News - Sandy Bagged!

My spies (er, everyone on Twatter that is), are reporting that the jury at Maidstone Crown Court has found Our Sandy (former Tory TDC leader Sandy Ezekiel) guilty on all four charges of misconduct whilst holding a public office, with his co-accused Phillip Emanuel found guilty of aiding and abetting. The charges related to iffy property dealings in Margate Old Town, and failure to disclose his property interests to the council.

Not that anyone who overheard Sandy's frequent boasts about how he was 'going to make a fucking mint' by buying up property in the Old Town once the Turnip Centre had been given the green light can be in the least bit surprised.

Full details are now running on the Isle of Thanet Gazunder website. Including a quote from Will Scobie, the Mayor of Margate, saying he is 'shocked' and can't remember a councillor being found guilty of misconduct in public office 'in his lifetime'. Bless. He's only 14.

By the way, full marks and a bottle of bubbly to the dauntless Louise Oldfield for sitting through the entire trial and keeping us all up to date via Twitter. Margate doesn't deserve you Louise! Hurry up and defect to the sunny side of the island!

Right, I'm currently redeveloping the old cliff top mansion into 497 luxury apartments, so I'm off to buy some carpets I can afford from Cyril Fraud (one for the oldies there!). Pip pip!

Update: Shagpile's been sentenced to 18 months of Her Majesty's Porridge for each offence, to run concurrently. So that'll be his second all expenses paid trip to somewhere with a big wall in just a few short years! No word yet on whether he's appealing (insert your own joke here).

Headless Chickens Coming Home To Roost?

Holy brown envelopes! Today's Isle of Thanet Gazunder reports that PC Plod is carrying out a wider investigation into corruption at Thanet Duffer Council in the wake of former Tory leader Sandy 'Shagpile' Beach's public misconduct trial!

The woodentops are said to be particularly interested in the 'property deals and personal interests of politicians and public servants, past and present.' Crikey! That should get them quaking in their Gucci boots and revving up the old Land Rover V8s ready for that long overdue trip to Malaga! Talk about brarn envelopes! More like brarn trousers!!???!!!!!??! (Geddit?!!!?!???!!!)

And given yours truly's extensive and, er, insightful coverage of Fannit events during the years under investigation, it's only natural that Inspector Knacker should come knocking on my door for the inside goss. Of course, I have been more than happy to accommodate him. If you have any juicy tips, just email me at the address on the right and I'll pass them on.

Meanwhile I see the great and good have been lining up to vouch for Our Sandy at Maidstone Crown Court, where the jury is still deliberating after two days. (I hear the jury room at Maidstone is well heated, and the tea and biscuits exceptional.) Norf Fannit MP Sir Roger Wind, local booze emporium magnate Sir Frank Thorley, and high-flying, chopper-loving, China Gateway-developing Sir Ken Wills have all stepped up to the plate to testify what a stout-hearted and honest fellow the former Tory leader, famed for his petition tossing at the Margate branch of Edinburgh Woollen Mill and portrayal of the Mayor of Margate as a 'fucking tosser' at a black tie do, is.

Carpet shop proprietor and ex-boxer Sandy denies the charges of misconduct relating to property deals in Margate's Old Town. M'lud.

Which reminds me, where did I put that Tesco bag?!?!???

Update (12:52 Friday 1 March): Sandy and his co-accused Phillip Emanuel have both been found bang to rights! Hurrah!